Clarity...

2012-02-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

I sit here with a heavy weighted heart...my friend has died, and as someone who is terribly unemotional, I have very little inclination of how to deal with it all...not to mention the everyday stress of life and work and other relationships. I can't quite fathom how to actually address this situation as in the past, I have simply set aside my emotions in some far away dark recess of my mind where I could bury them and hide them away from the light of day. As I've grown older though, I've come to realize the importance of allowing those emotions to have their own time and space. I'm simply not quite sure how to do that.
In turn, I ask you friends, how does one allow for emotions to take their toll when one isn't so acclimated to emotions at all? I am sad beneath the smiling face and cheerful personality. I am heartbroken for my friend and her family. I am angry with little consolation to be found in the novel idea that perhaps my friend is resting in a heaven that I'm not sure I believe in. Tell me please, how might this transpire? For someone who scores on an emotional IQ test the equivalent of one who has Aspergers, how do you sort this out? What does this look like in everyday life, for people who know how to feel and to empathize?
On top of it, to bear the weight of having to keep steady the hand of one who is essentially my boss but is perhaps not in the right position, maintain an incredibly busy work flow, and still be a good friend to those who need me...I'm simply not sure how this all will work out. I am quite alone, and truly I wish there were someone to guide me and lead my hand in the right direction...to simply take charge for a while. Since that is certainly not the case though, what is a girl to do? Where is she to turn? And whom might she seek for help? A god whom she isn't certain is actually there? Or a friend who may or may not return a message? To that end, might she truly be alone?

Michelle...

2012-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Like many others I'm sure, I am laying awake, tossing and turning, swaddled in the pillowy softness and warmth of my bed. My mind is racing with constant thoughts of our dear friend Michelle though...hoping she is tucked safely in her sub-zero sleeping bag within the confines of her "exceptional" tent, or perhaps nestled down deep within the protective walls of a snow cave. The uncertainty of this situation is brutal. I can only imagine how her parents must feel, and truly, to them I extend my deepest sympathies and my hope for peace and rest.

In the midst of this snowy madness though, there is an intense and profound beauty, one that so wholly displays a true and pure love for another person. I'm somewhat in awe of the phenomenal amount of earnest passion, sincere love, and unwavering faith and hope displayed by this mass of people joining together to root for our beloved friend, sister, and daughter.

I am confident she is out there, waiting with a patience and determination that can only be heaven sent. I am certain that Michelle is there in the snowy wonder of this mountain with unbreakable strength bestowing her selfless love on those around her, for as we all know, that is what she does, and it simply is who she is.

As the break of day is fast approaching, so comes with it a new chance for glory to rain down, and for hope and faith to be renewed.

Michelle,
We all love you so very dearly, and cannot wait to hear your tales of adventure and wonder and incredible tenacity. I look forward to seeing you soon my friend.

Elegy

2011-12-26T16:28:00.001-08:00

I've borrowed the title from one of my most favorite movies, in fact, it is quite possibly my favorite movie ever. I think it chronicles the most lovely and poignant story I've seen or heard in some time.
There is a bit in the film in which the main character's best friend tells about his theory on beautiful women. He says that "Beautiful women are invisible[...] that we [people] are so dazzled by their beautiful exterior that we don't even see what's within." As melancholy and dramatic as this may seem, I believe it to be quite true. There are people in the world, not only women but men too, who are in fact exquisite, artwork in and of themselves, as though their only reason for being created was for the rest of us to stop and stare. I don't mean you're typical sort of model or actress. No, I mean those people who simply take your breath away and command a second, third, or even fourth glance because they're so lovely you think it can't possibly be real.
I wonder though, what is it like hiding beneath that shell. It must be quite lonely as people seemingly so unattainable are rarely ever pursued for anything more than some gratuitous escapade. I'm certain though that there must be much more depth beneath that most lovely facade. So I wonder, what sort of person is tenacious enough to pursue that hidden mystery? What must it take to gently chip away at the shell of a Faberge egg in order to discover the secret within? And how great must that love be?

To be Loved

2011-12-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

Recently a friend of mine gave me a quote, which I'm sure to misquote actually, but the gist of it is something along the lines of being sure to surround oneself with people who truly celebrate and love him or her as opposed to merely tolerating the person. This thought is something I've carried closely in my thoughts lately as I have evaluated various relationships in my life. The idea of someone actually celebrating all of my quirks and idiosyncrasies is one I can barely grasp as I generally feel as though I'm little more than a novelty...a play thing that loses its luster quite rapidly, only to be tossed aside for the next best thing.

I was explaining that to a very dear friend of mine earlier this lovely evening and his response was one of shock. He looked at me in disbelief as I detailed why I have come to this conclusion. Yes, I know this seems like a "woe is me" sort of tale, but it's about to take a turn. At that point in the conversation my friend tells me he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me. He tells me again when we leave that he loves me very much. And that friends, is the loveliest thing. Why? Because I know he means it...every ounce of it. That was a most sincere comment, and one that will always be held dear. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of this Christmas season, I am fully convinced being the recipient of one true love is the greatest gift of all.

on a night like this...

2011-12-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

my heart truly is broken. i sit here in the comfort of my pillowy, plush bed with a heavy heart as the father of one of my dearest friends has passed away. i know that she now sits alone in a hotel room with a heart full of hurt, pain, questioning, shock, relief, anger, and frustration. selfishly i want to get in my car and drive to her immediately if for no other reason than to sit in that hotel room with her. but that is for my sake, so i can feel as though i am doing something to comfort her in a tangible way since i am four hours away geographically. realistically, i know it makes no difference whether i am there in person or not though. at the end of the day, the pain is hers. nothing i can say or do will take it away or even lessen it at all. and selfishly, that is the hardest part for me.

she asked me if it ever gets easier...not having a dad. the truth is, for me at least, it hurts less over time. well most days that's true anyway. overall though, it's never easier. it has been over 16 years since my dad died, and i will always miss him. i think of him every day. and not one day goes by when i don't wish he were still here with me. but yes, generally, it hurts less. like my friend said of her father, at least mine is no longer in pain.

but oh god why did this happen while she is away with no one geographically close enough to her to go and be with her? no one should have to handle this in such solitude. lord i hope she knows she is not alone. i know that it hurts most at night in still, quiet darkness. i know too though that i found the most comfort in that place. i was able to be truly alone to deal with the hurt and angst in my own time and in my own way. i cried myself to sleep for months...maybe years. i don't remember exactly. but that solitude was the only place i could truly break down and feel the emotions that transpired out of that ordeal. i hope the same for my beloved friend. i hope and pray that she finds peace in the quiet solitude. my god i hope she is able to rest there and lay down her burden. please god if you are there, hear her cries and give her comfort and rest from this, the most painful thing she has yet to endure in her life

2011-11-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

It's the pushing and pulling and never let me go-ing...it's this restlessness that never dies. Stay, leave, rest, run. Which is it I wonder or which should it be or which will it ever be? If I run will I find what I think I'm missing? If I stay will I always miss it? Or is it that no matter what, I will always be missing something...or perhaps someone?

As it is, I feel like I'm floating in a holding pattern with only the clouds to keep me company. But even there in the beautiful, soft greyness, is still this overwhelming stuckness. Maybe the stuckness is stuck inside my head though. Perhaps it isn't real. Perhaps it's just the drowsy effect of the thick, cozy cloud cover hanging drearily from the heavy sky.

2011-10-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

I by no means grew up in any sort of slum or third world country, nor did I grow up filthy rich with every advantage afforded to me. I had a normal family with a median income, 2 dogs, and a cat. I suppose it was the traditional American dream,
When my dad died, at least for me anyway, that dream shattered. Really I know I reference this often, but it was an earth-shattering experience in my life. It was a bit more over the top than your everyday ebb and flow. And ever since, things simply have not come easy. I don't say that to sound tragic or dramatic, it simply is a fact. Up until very recently I have worked at least two jobs and no less than 70 hours a week...for over the past decade. Given that I'm only 30...that seems like a terribly long time. However, that is the least of my concerns. I don't mind hard work. In fact, I rather like it as I think it builds character and integrity.
My issue rather is with relationships. Even in the middle of very messy and long, drawn out divorce, I still found myself trying to remain calm and non-reactionary, and to maintain some semblance of grace and dignity. Even in a trying time like that when truly it felt as though the weight of the world had alighted quite abruptly on my shoulders, I found myself mustering up every bit of strength I had to be strong, not just for myself, but for others. I've since learned that sometimes being strong also means have the capability to completely fall apart...as much as I hate to admit that. But in relationships, yes with guys, I have tried to be honest, open, kind, fair, compassionate, and patient. Yet no matter what I do it seems I cannot manage to come out on top.
Let me run down a list. We'll start with the narcissistic ex-husband. Not my finest moment. He was followed up by a guy we'll call the finger-tip pimp. I stole that name from my buddy Chris Price. Anyway, said pimp was a real charmer in on-line chats and emails...oddly even sent me pictures of engagement rings and the like...only to find out he was dating about 5 girls at the same time. Cool huh? Next up was...oh yeah, the needy one who was incredibly kind and fun but tried too hard to be something he wasn't and tried even harder to make our relationship work when clearly it just wasn't going to pan out. Lesson from that one...if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not entirely certain of your feelings toward that someone you probably needs to bail out of that relationship on the fly. Quite simply, if you don't know, you know. Anyway, that guy was followed up by this fellow who charmed me with his wit and sarcasm only to turn out to be a legit drug dealer. Considering I don't want to end up like Penelope Cruz in Blow I obviously had to put the kibosh on that one real quick. Bummer though, he was super fun. Post drug dealer along came this very handsome fellow I met at a wedding. He was unassuming certainly, but incredibly fun. He had me at the suspenders he sported to the wedding too I might add. I suppose it may have seemed an unusual match...me with a more simplistic guy, but that's part of what I liked about him. He was the opposite of me. REALLY the opposite...like ended up hardly talking to me and certainly wasn't honest with me...and I'm guilty of being brutally honest. That has ended actually with the two of us as roommates in a place he hates in a part of the city that I love. He's miserable, and now I'm kind of mad at him whereas at one point I felt sorry for him. Now though, I think I've just been used for the last year. Not awesome. I've hung out with a few people since-one is kind of psycho and definitely controlling, the other is just plain fun. At this point, I don't even care what the fun guy's intentions are. Why? Because he's fun. And until Adrian Brody comes to sweep me off my feet, I think I'm settling for fun in any way, shape, or form.
Enough with the relationships where I have to be the strong one, the honest one, the level headed one. Enough. I want fun and whimsy and carefree. I want that seemingly easy life for a little while. I don't want to work quite so hard, just for a bit. I think it might be nice if for once someone took care of me.

Perfect timing? Not so sure....

2011-10-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's funny isn't it how supposedly God gives you who and what you need when you need them or it as the case may be? But I wonder if the timing is as accurate as some people believe.
I say this because in the last...eh...two years or so, I've made some amazing friends. I wonder how my life may have turned out differently had they been around for all the muck and mire of my past. My best friend alone is the only one to truly endure the mess with me and hold my hand as I toiled through through the sludge that was my life. Aside from her there were others, but she is the closest to me both geographically and emotionally and therefore endured the brunt of the storm. I can't help but think that perhaps I wouldn't be so cynical and jaded at times had I also had the blessing of these other friends to come alongside me when in the past when I needed them most. If that's the case...how can one rest in the knowledge that God's timing is perfect when it doesn't seem so perfect at all?

Not the One

2011-10-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

It is a strange feeling to realize that you in fact are not the person you thought you might be. What I mean is that it's terribly strange to think that you're the girl who finally got the guy when in fact you haven't got him at all. This is my own personal conundrum at present. I suppose I'm too be grateful for coming to this resolution prior to making any further commitments, but nevertheless, I am awfully disappointed. I know I sound like a silly little girl, but really, I did in fact love him...and to not be loved in return is at a minimum hurtful.
This leaves me wondering though, will I ever be the one? Or am I destined to always be, well, not the one?

Home

2011-10-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have this fascination with the concept of being home. It seems like such a foreign concept to me as I don't feel like I've had a home per se in many years. Yes I have had a dwelling, but that isn't the same. In my topsy-turvy life there have been several events that have resulted in me ultimately feeling homeless though and quite alone despite the fact that I have been blessed with a plethora of friends. Yes I have a loving family, but geography aside, sometimes we are all just distant from one another. I don't always have the easiest time connecting to my mom, and I miss my brother terribly, but he's not generally easily accessible. I know the old adage about home is where the heart is, and perhaps that is the case. If so, where is my heart? And how do you know when you finally truly find a safe place worth keeping your heart in anyway? I've tried quite a few times to set my heart in the hands of one whom I thought might actually care for it well, only to be sorely disappointed each time. To my own dismay, this only results in me becoming more and more independent, jaded, guarded, and cynical. I keep people at arms length and I am very detached. These are not good attributes, of that I'm fully aware. Changing them though...ah, how do you break the effects of conditioning and need for survival? How do I do that so that I can eventually one day find a place to call my home?

Is not knowing knowing?

2011-09-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have this opinion that in relationships no one wants to be the one to hurt the other person, so when it comes time to have a serious discussion about the relationship's state of affairs, the easy answer is "I don't know". It's been my experience that this answer is in fact the culmination of all the questions, fears, and doubts that a relationship produces, and it in fact is in and of itself the answer. If you don't know how you feel about a person, then I'm of the opinion that you are in fact certain that said person just isn't the one for you. If there were no doubt about your personal feelings toward someone, wouldn't you readily say "I love you" or "You're the one I want"? I can't imagine being hopelessly in love with someone and only saying "i don't really know how I feel." Of course I know! I love you! It's a no brainer. There shouldn't even be room for debate.

At my age...almost 31 now...I simply cannot sit around waiting for months or years on end for someone to figure out whether or not I just might be the one he wants. You either want me or you don't. And my feelings won't be hurt either way, but please, have the courtesy to respect my time. Don't waste it on your not knowing.

Free to breathe

2011-08-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

I was sitting home alone last night flipping through an old, barely used journal. I had written in only maybe 3 pages so I decided to read those pages and see what had been going on at the time. The funny part is that the notes were from almost exactly a year ago. They were from the beginning of August 2010. At that time, I had just obliterated my ex-husband in court for being in contempt following him intentionally putting our house in foreclosure to ruin my credit. Let me tell you, it felt amazing when that judge told him to grow up and be a man and accept responsibility for his actions. The less awesome part is that to enforce the judge's ruling it would cost me thousands of more dollars that I don't have, nor do I care to spend dealing with someone as pathetic and worthless as my ex. Those words sound harsh? Good. They should. It's fitting.

In the midst of all my courtroom drama, financial stress, and constantly working at 2 jobs, one which I loved and one that I abhorred, I was left feeling as though I might suffocate at any given moment. There wasn't a second of peace to be found anywhere. No respite for the weary and brokenhearted. The win in court was worthless. I still got hit with the foreclosure, ruined credit, and thousands of dollars of debt to pay off all thanks to my delightful ex-husband. Then my car died. Then a car I borrowed from my mom got totaled. It literally was just one thing after another. Never enough money. Never enough time. And barely enough air to breathe.

But it's over now. Really it is. I'm on the cusp of something great. Something that just might resemble a real life. A new house, new car, and new job...all within a few months. And here I sit a year later ready to take on the world. Finally it's my turn to get what I have been working so hard to earn for so many years. I can really and truthfully walk away from all the bullshit of the last few years and let out a sigh of relief. Like in the book, finally I am able to just shrug. :)

Compassion or Selfishness...

2011-07-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

It is a strange and touchy subject to address, but I think voluntary euthanasia has some merit. I know, I know. All of you extreme right wing conservatives are about to lost your cool. That's fine. You're entitled to your opinion. I ask you though, what would you do if you were faced with a situation in which a loved one were incapacitated, had no quality of life, no hope for a cure, and he or she willingly and coherently were actively choosing to die? Could you, in good conscience, refuse the person's autonomous decision purely for the sake of your own personal beliefs? Is that not terribly selfish?

See, sometimes, in certain very particular situations, I think that perhaps this may in fact be the kindest most compassionate act possible. I say this not with an uninformed or inexperienced perspective. I say this because had I been old enough to fully understand the extreme suffering my own father must have endured up to his very last breath, I would have chosen to allow him to die peacefully instead. Never would I wish anyone to writhe in pain as he or she fought for a tiny gasp of air, only to end up suffocating to death on a hospital bed. It is a cold and cruel day when that happens. I believe it to be far kinder to allow the person in pain to quietly slip away in his or her sleep instead.

It's a slippery slope I know when you appear to condone such an act. I wouldn't dare say that I am for euthanasia across the board. Not at all actually. I think though that in a few rare cases that may in fact be the most selfless act of all. Because it hurts to let someone go. It is painful beyond belief. But so much better in the end than holding on to the shell of whom the person once was.

The New Status Quo?

2011-07-06T07:39:00.001-07:00

It's not earth shattering news (anymore) that Casey Anthony was acquitted yesterday essentially of all charges associated with the death of her little girl Caylee. Yes, yes, the masses still think she's guilty despite the fact that the case against her was based on little more than circumstantial evidence. I know people all over the country are in an uproar. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that this girl may soon wish she had been found guilty just so she doesn't have to deal with a public that doesn't care at all about what our judicial system handed down as a verdict.

The age old line is "innocent until proven guilty". Well, Miss Anthony was not at all proven guilty. Say what you will but let's face it, the prosecutor had very little to work with here to prove his case and the jury could hardly sentence a woman to death based on pretty much nothing more than speculation.

Here is where my confusion comes into play though. I keep reading comments from people and hearing things like "she'll get hers in eternity". Well, what if there is nothing for her to get? Really, no one will ever know what happened to that little girl. So who are we to assume, AFTER this girl has been found innocent in a court of law, that she is still guilty and will pay for her transgressions amidst hellfire and brimstone?? Besides, isn't that also to ASSUME that she is not a Christian? (If you do believe the Christian doctrine that only accepting Christ as your savior grants you passage into heaven.) Is it now the accepted policy to make assumptions about people and damn them to hell when they've not been found guilty of a crime? Also, if this girl did kill her daughter, and let's say she is a Christian and follows Jesus Christ, does that mean her salvation is nullified? I can't see how that's possible. The way I understood salvation growing up in the church is that it isn't conditional, but now maybe it is?

Either way, I think I like my idea of Jesus better anyway. The one I believe in forgives and loves and washes away our sins no matter how terrible they may be. As for Miss Anthony...let the woman alone. I imagine living the rest of her life without that little girl is far worse punishment than anything anyone could do to her anyway.

2011-07-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking very hard about geography. I don't mean so much in the sense of what is the capital of Germany and exactly how many countries are there since the end of what we knew as the USSR when I was in school. I'm referring more to geography and how it relates to personal happiness. By the way though, does anyone even vaguely know how many countries there are now in what was the USSR???

Back to my original thought though...

In my own life I strongly associate my geographical location to my happiness quotient, in fact I allow it to directly affect it, rightly or wrongly so. Now like anyone else, I have many, many memories linked to my geography, but I feel as though my memories here in Georgia are overshadowed by what I will refer to as the Black Plague. Most of my time in this fair city has been spent fighting, crying, and simply trying to survive, so the fun memories, despite whatever score they may have received on the funness scale, kind of get lost in the shuffle. That being said, I think I have explained well enough my desire to leave this land of muck and mire.

I wonder though what would happen if I did. You see, I often believe people wish to move places, well move BACK to places, simply because of the memories they associate with those places. I don't think actually moving back to an old familiar place is all it's cracked up to be. Actually, I think it would incredibly disappointing because nothing is ever the same once you leave. I think those old familiar places are good to visit, but that ultimately they should be kept safe in the caverns of our minds where we can retreat to them when we feel sad or lonely or just need a good daydream.

That being said, is it better to keep the idea of a new place locked safely away in my mind so that I have that hope and that daydream? Or am I erring in not chasing after my dream? Would I just be brokenhearted to pursue my dream and find reality doesn't live up to the ideas in my head? I just don't know sometimes. And this is the hardest dream for me to give up I must admit. The idea of kissing NYC goodbye draws a tear every time I think of it, but is it for the best? The good and right things are not always easy. Is it better, despite the difficulty, to stay here and continually fight against that Plague?

Tree of Life

2011-07-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

I saw the movie Tree of Life this weekend, and as someone who is generally pretty open minded and quite welcoming to the art world and that of profound thought and philosophical fodder, my overall opinion of the movie is that it is terrible. Harsh? Yeah, I know, but typical of myself. I'd be more forgiving had they at least disclosed in the previews that National Geographic apparently contributed over 45 minutes of footage to the film...even some footage that strangely included dinosaurs. Yes those dinosaurs...the extinct ones...like a velociraptor that was just so much cooler in Jurassic Park.
That aside, there was in fact one very poignant point made in the movie. Brad Pitt plays one of the lead roles as a father of a family of 3 boys set in the 1950's. His character is constantly striving for perfection and success which he views merely as possessing great wealth and maintaining a certain image. This causes him to be incredibly demanding of his children and even his wife. Granted, the kids in the movie really could have settled down and dealt with the fact that sometimes they are told "no", but I can see the other side too...how Brad was a little too demanding on occasion.
Either way, he makes a comment toward the end of the film and the gist of it is something along the lines of how he didn't dignify anything he had because it was never enough for him and in turn he missed the glory of it all. I wish I could remember the quote verbatim, but that's not happening apparently. If anyone happens to see the movie and can clarify for me exactly what it is he says, I'd be much obliged.
At any rate, the point is made and what a point it is. All this rushing around trying to find the perfect job, perfect house, perfect mate, etc...and we miss the glory of what we already have. Thinking in this way, I'm saddened by all that I've missed, and I hope to not let anything else slide through my fingertips.

Are We Dragon Slayers?

2011-06-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

I often am at my own mercy I think. I wallow in my desire for something more and allow myself to become very depressed over my belief that surely I am destined for far more greatness than this life has offered so far. But is that arrogant of me? Am I way off base here? Clearly my life has been no fairy tale. There is no knight in shining armor racing to rescue the princess from an impossibly tall tower in a far away land. In fact there isn't even a princess or a tower for that matter. But is there a dragon to slay? Is there something great to accomplish with this life of mine? Or perhaps is that great destiny conceivable only in my own mind?

What if my dragon is nothing more than having the patience, endurance, and discipline to withstand what I deem to be a very banal existence? Am I indeed up for that task? Honestly, I think it would be easier to pull the sword from the stone than it is to live this boring life much longer. However, maybe that is exactly why I live this life. Because it isn't what I want. What to do with it then?

Or maybe there is no dragon at all. Maybe life is supposed to be like that God foresaken movie Groundhog Day. It's a horrible movie. Maybe that's all there is though.

We shall see I suppose, if we are destined to slay dragons or essentially do nothing more than scrub the floors of the castle. I'm hoping for a dragon though.

Anyone else up for an 80's/90's reunion???

2011-05-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

I remember one of the first times a song really got to me. Sadly I have to admit it was thanks to Canada's very own Bryan Adams and that song he had on the Robin Hood score. Maybe it was in part the movie that got to me too...or the video on MTV back when MTV still played videos. Some of you youngsters may not even recall that era, but it existed I swear.
At any rate, I have to hand it to old Bryan...good stuff. I got hooked in, and I'm generally not a super girly girl in the emotional sense. Now if we're talking dresses and shoes...I'm all about it. :) Back to the point though, what happened to those awesome and simultaneously horrible ballads of the 80's and 90's???? I'm a little sheepish about admitting this, but I miss them! Mr. Big and the like, come back! Although, you guys could all probably stand a makeover or a haircut at the bare minimum. Maybe I should keep you in my memories actually. It might be best for everyone involved. :)

Redemption, Grace, and what the hell?

2011-05-12T05:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should have phrased that title "Redemption, Grace, and am I going to hell?" but it really loses some of the panache that way. At any rate, I'm brushing up on my theology today, Calvinism in particular. This modern spin on what was in fact a very valid and reasonable perspective really seems to have people upset. Well, understandably so. I'd be mad too if I actually believed I was going to die and burn in a fiery pit of molten lava and ash wallowing in agonizing pain for an eternity all because I'm not one of the few elect. See why people are upset?

Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.

Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.

Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.

To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you

Stuck-ness

2011-05-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

Ah, where to begin. Much has happened in nearly a year since I've last written. I'll get to it all...eventually.

Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.

The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.

I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.

So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.

Life, take 2

2010-08-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

My life is starting over again in the morning. I would say it's starting today, but it's late, and I'm tired and I'd rather start over when I wake up tomorrow. So, Thursday, August 19 will be the day that I really start getting my life back. That is a pretty bold statement I realize, so let me explain more of what I mean exactly.

When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.

Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.

I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.

Might I Dream

2010-07-21T19:59:00.001-07:00

And if I might dream tonight,
I wonder what I might find
lurking there amidst the midst and haze
hanging in my mind.

Would the stars glimmer and dot the darkness
of a thick and heavy sky?
Would the moon softly kiss the stones along the path
twisting through the caverns inside my head?

I'd hope for nothing more than a quiet peace,
a place to rest my weary soul.
Often though it is the opposite I happen on
in those dreams of mine.

Tonight I lay here wondering,
squeezing tight my eyes
hoping for a lovely dream,
and not one in which I die.

So I hope this time for a different ending
I pray for the dreams fairy tales are made of.
Or at the very least that in my slumber
I will rest and remember nothing in the morning.

Fairy Tales

2010-07-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

The dashing prince atop his white steed with the sword glinting in the sheath ready to slay the dragon for the lovely, kind princess. Or perhaps it is a fairy godmother flitting about waving a wand or wrinkling her nose to turn a pumpkin into a gleaming carriage. Or maybe it's nothing more than some handsome man making a girl's eyes dance and sparkle when she laughs as he swirls her around the dance floor accompanied by the lovely sounds of a stringed orchestra.

Most little girls grow up believing that this, or something similar could actually become their reality, at least to some degree. They dream of that beautiful wedding day in which their stomachs are filled with butterflies as they glide down the aisle in a gorgeous swathing cupcake gown toward the man of they've fantasized about their whole lives. Then they dream of the perfect honeymoon, the house with the white picket fence, the fluffy dog, and the giggling babies. Then there are girls like me...

I don't believe the fairy tale. I never did really. I was always the skeptic. And now, well now I don't know what to think. I want so very badly to believe that fairy tale. I want to think that somewhere there is a prince ready to come and rescue me from the tower. It just seems though that I'm destined to be Rapunzel forever, except I have short hair so the prince can't climb to the window to save me. I'm stuck there. Stuck.

I thought I had my moment a couple of weeks ago in court. I thought that finally I got to be the princess instead of Cinderella who gets screwed over by everyone around her. I thought perhaps I finally got to go to the ball and put on the glass slipper. I won in court, by a landslide. It was bad for him, to the point that I felt sorry for him. But it doesn't even matter. I still lose. How? Because he is getting to walk away essentially scott free because of a legal loophole in bankruptcy proceedings. Yes, yes, he has to file bankruptcy, which is bad, but it also absolves him from his punishment for screwing me over.

So as I sit here typing all I can think is that I am sitting in a tower waiting for someone and yet no one will come. We like to think that "we're all in this together" but at the end of the day, the weight of this all falls on my shoulders and mine alone. There is no help mate. There is no one who truly understands. The burden is mine to bear, and I hate him for it. I don't think the fairy tale is real. I told my friend today that I think there are no princes or princesses, only a bunch of smashed up Humpty Dumptys. The looking glass is shattered. There is no magic. Life is not pretty, and I doubt it ever will be. Shame on parents for letting little girls think otherwise. We are not princesses. Nothing of the sort. No matter how many tiaras I wore as a little girl, and not matter how many pretty dresses I twirl around in, I am no princess. The stories aren't true. In the end justice does not seem to prevail. We do the right thing because it's the right thing, but to expect a reward is foolish at best. It is true that no good deed goes unpunished.

And so I sit in my tower and wonder if there is an end to this mess. I try to make sense of it all, but it is a riddle I cannot solve. All the dresses in all the world can not a princess make. In reality, we are all more like Cinderella as she scrubs the floors, makes the food, and mends the clothes with coal smudged on her pretty face.

Rescue

2010-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

The first line of the Tonic song "Sugar" says "Come on baby put your shoes on. Looking like you need a rescue [...]" Ryan Adams sings about the "Rescue Blues". I never thought of myself as the girl who got to be the princess rescued from the tower. Growing up I always played cowboys and indians, and the other girls got to be the damsels in distress while I ran around with my brother and the other boys. In high school I was quiet and mostly kept to myself. In college, I was even more reserved except with a very select group of friends. Now I'm more open, but I am incredibly independent...to the point that it's actually not a good thing. Hmm...which that may actually be why I've found myself in this position come to think of it.
What I'm referring to is my strong desire to be rescued...to not be alone...essentially just to be loved. I hear all of these songs these guys have written for these girls. I wonder if the girls have any idea what they have and if they do I wonder if they appreciate it. Do they know what it's like on the other side-to be alone and always do everything themselves? To not have that shoulder to cry on or that embrace to hide in when the storms come? To come home only to a pile of books and to know characters in movies better than they know most people? To find solace only in a song that isn't even for you? To wear a mask in the world of a pretty happy girl but at home to sink into a somber, melancholy version of the girl they might be?
I have a vague notion that perhaps a love like no other is waiting for me...waiting to be unlocked from it's warm, soft sepulcher. For some reason it is not yet time for me to escape this dark and heavy past of mine. Perhaps it is to teach me to lay down my pride and beg for help...to learn that while hell may be other people, I do in fact need those people in my life. Maybe I am too impatient and when I learn my lesson, perhaps there will be a reward. Or maybe there is no reward at all, but I am to live this life simply because it is the cards I've been dealt. I'm really not sure at all. The only thing I am sure of is that I feel like the girl in the song, and I need a rescue.

Faith...

2010-07-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

Now this is a topic that is controversial to say the least. Faith is not identifiable in any tangible sort of fashion. You cannot point at it, touch it, feel it, hear it, taste, or even smell it. Certainly you cannot see it either. We all know it exists though. So how do we define it?

I do not believe faith is simply going to church every Sunday, and it is by no means something as trivial as being in compliance with a bunch of silly, meaningless traditions established by church leaders hundreds of years ago. I can't imagine that faith can be defined by lighting hundreds of candles and counting beads as you pray. I imagine it must be more than sipping grape juice from a plastic cup and nibbling a stale cracker. Undoubtedly faith exceeds the emotional catharsis most of us experience at what has become a typical church service...a service that resembles a rock concert more than a quiet, reverent place to learn about and honor God.

Faith is defined in several different ways on www.dictionary.com. The essence of the definition it seems though is "a belief in something". I'm okay with the belief part I think, but I wonder about the something, and how that belief is developed. Now this brings me to the part where I have to sit and reflect on my own beliefs a bit. Doing so can be quite uncomfortable as I don't even know all the answers pertaining to myself. However, I'd prefer to be honest and admit I don't know than to lead on my lovely readers and pretend I'm far more sure of myself than is true.

So to begin, I believe in God, yes that one...the one with the capital "G". I believe that God is THE higher being in control of this universe, down to the tiniest atom in my human makeup. I'm certain that God has plans for all of us even though we aren't quite sure what those plans may be. I get a bit confused though when it comes to questions of predestination and heaven and hell. If this God in whom I have faith is so gracious, loving, and merciful, why then does he banish souls to hell? And what is to say that I will not be one of those poor souls languishing in misery forever even though I am trying to live a good life because doing the right thing is simply the right thing to do?

Muslims pray multiple times a day and make pilgrimages to Mecca. Hindus won't eat beef. Many other religions practice all sorts of different rules and regulations as part of their faith. They truly believe if they do these things they will go to Heaven. The Muslim men sincerely believe that if they live a good life they will be awarded numerous virgins in heaven. As Christians, and I don't mean that in terms of organized religion but as followers of Jesus Christ, what do we do? I am inclined to think that, as I often say, we have missed the point of the pageantry. We go to our churches. We wear the trendy jeans and carry our Starbucks cup like it's a badge of honor. We know where to go to see and be seen by the right people. We help the homeless not because we want to show love, grace, and compassion, but because it has become the cool thing to do. I believe our faith should be based on our love for man. Loving as Christ loved is far more challenging than one might imagine. We say we are "seeker friendly" and "relevant", but how are $300 jeans relevant to single mom who can't afford to feed her children, or to the prostitute who's been beaten by her pimp, or to the young girl battling anorexia so she can feel like she fits in, or to the man who lost all his money gambling and has a sex addiction? How does an emotionally cathartic church service practically help these people and build their faith in anything more than the almighty dollar that affords the lights, multi-million dollar sound systems, and the "rockstars" playing on stage in their designer "stage wear"?

This being said, I choose to put my faith in the love that Christ showed to all people unconditionally. I still cannot define that faith in a tangible sense, but I can however define it by actions.

My Moment

2010-07-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

Anyone who even remotely knows me is more than likely aware that I've been fighting to free myself from my ex-husband for years now. The simple, uncontested divorce alone took two years, and then there was the contempt case on top of it. Today was the hearing for the latter. After years of being the proverbial "bad guy" all I wanted was a tiny piece of vindication. I was scared and nervous that I wouldn't get it and that I would still, even despite the ex's clear willfulness to not uphold the divorce decree, be put in a corner so to speak. Things couldn't have happened more differently though...

We went to court and I actually had reservations about whether or not he would even show up. But there he was with his dad and new wife...we'll call her Little Miss Sunshine...seems appropriate given her age and bleached blonde hair. The ex was looking heroin chic, but not in that cool Olsen twin kind of way, but more like I felt as though I needed to buy him a burger and a haircut. Despite their very non-intimidating appearance, I was still a bit shaken by seeing him. After all, until today, I had not laid eyes on him physically since 2007. As soon as I saw my lawyer though all of the nervousness subsided. I was very comforted by talking to him and looking over the game plan. I had done my homework, and we had quite a bit of documentation to back up my case.

After a bit of chatting in the hallway, my lawyer, my mom and her husband, and I entered the courtroom. It was absolutely freezing inside. So even though I was inexplicably calm and collected, I couldn't stop shaking. The judge was an hour late to court, and we had to wait for several other cases to be heard before it was our turn. Finally they called my name though. By the way, I hope I never hear "Alexis Rice" called in a courtroom again. It's unnerving even when you're the good guy.

So we all take our places at our respective tables. My lawyer articulately makes his opening statement. Then the ex takes the stand. It was a little funny to see him nervous and without the ability to fight back employing his usual tactics of yelling at people to try to scare them into getting his way. My lawyer put it to him though and didn't let him pull any punches, even going so far as to ask the ex if he knew how to read since he claimed he was unaware of something clearly stated in black and white. I had a terribly difficult time hiding my amusement at that blow to his ego; however, I quietly sat and watched. He kept glaring at me from the stand. I assume he was trying to intimidate me. Didn't work though. Funny thing, he had filed a contempt case against me and on the stand contradicted his own case! It was brilliant.

After he stepped down, it was my turn. I tried to cooly walk across the court room to the witness stand. I took my oath and sat down. My lawyer questioned me first. My voice wavered a bit, in part because I was a smidge nervous and in part because I was so cold I was shivering. At any rate, my lawyer went through his line of questioning, and I was able to expound on my answers with him. Then it was opposing counsel's turn to grill me. The ex's lawyer was quite amicable actually and not at all threatening. He asked his questions and I gave simple answers making sure not to ask any questions myself.

My turn was up finally, and I must say I finished with a bang. I was quite proud of myself honestly. After I stepped down, the ex took the stand again. My lawyer is the man and didn't let him get away with anything. I told my best friend I even have a mini crush on my lawyer now because he saved me. :) Anyway, he served my ex up nicely on a silver platter. The judge made his ruling completely in my favor. The ex's face was priceless when the judge made his ruling, even making him responsible for $8,000 worth of repairs that I never mentioned or knew about until today. Not to mention he's responsible for my legal fees! Ah, and I can't forget to mention that the judge told him he's a big boy and needs to be responsible. Shazam! Oh sweet victory.

I don't think it's appropriate to disclose further details in such an open forum, but suffice it to say, that freedom is upon me today. I can breathe again, and perhaps I can start to truly live my life now. I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all. I was exhausted after court and took a five hour nap, and I'm still tired. :) It's mostly over now though. I can have a life. I'm not quite sure where to begin exactly, but I know I'm going to celebrate tomorrow, and I can't wait!

Walk On...

2010-06-29T14:43:00.001-07:00

I have recently emerged in the dating scene. I don't care for it at all to be honest. I much prefer being with just one person and knowing said person well...having a best friend really. So, in order to not waste any more of my time or anyone else's money...

If you want to talk to me only because you think I'm pretty; if your view of religion is only that you think Jesus is cool and you know nothing about faith or God; if you have a confused look on your face because you don't understand my everyday vernacular; if you feel compelled to tell me how artsy/eccentric/cool you are, chances are you probably aren't; if you think you're a musician just because you can play a C chord; if you think you look hotter than me in eyeliner; if the thought of wearing my jeans crosses your mind; if you're under the impression that the world revolves around you or that perhaps you're owed something; if you play on other people's sympathies to get your way; if you feel the need to put down other people to feel better about yourself; if you look at women as a numbers game; if you like what i consider to be bad music; if your intellectual depth goes no further than beer, bikinis, and ball; if you think buying me a drink makes you entitled to hook up with me; if you don't appreciate pretty dresses, tall shoes, puppies, and cupcakes; if you like the idea of my eccentricities but think you're going to change them; if you're not okay with me being independent; and lastly, if you wear anything bedazzled or Ed Hardy...then please, please, do us both a favor and walk on.

When the Darkness Closes In...

2010-06-23T20:03:00.001-07:00

It's like the swell of a wave.
The darkness, heavy and deep, washes over me
weighted with lies and secrets.

I can barely withstand the weight of it.
I can hardly hold on.
Surely one day I'll have someone to hold on to.

But if that day should not come
I'll be tossed to and fro with the tide.
The moonlight and the stars my only guides.

I'll hold steady to the shore
and fight the pull of the waves with all I have
until that day I can fall down and find peace

You Wouldn't Believe Me if I Told You...

2010-06-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

I hardly believe it myself actually. It just seems so surreal, and not in a good way. Not like a sweet, soft dream. More like a horrifying nightmare that you can never escape. No matter what you do, the terrible thoughts of the past are always taunting you in the back of your mind. It's a constant battle to fight the lies of the past. It's exhausting to say the least.

It started when I was 18 though, and he was 23. I had never dated anyone before, and I was incredibly shy and reserved. I had a very hard time trusting people because my dad had passed away 4 years before I met him. Despite that, or maybe because of that actually, I wanted so badly for someone to love me, to not feel alone anymore. And there he was...

He had all the right words to say at first. He seemed so kind and gentle. He was decent looking enough, but more than that he was a smooth talker. Everyone seemed to think he was such a great guy...so nice, the sort to do anything for anyone. He had an awful lot of people fooled. He even came across as a very "Godly" guy who was really trying to live a good life and treat people well.

After much coercion I finally gave in and went on a double date with him and two of my friends. After that, I was sucked in. I'll give him that he was smooth enough to take me on a moonlight horseback ride and even serenade me by a fire in the middle of the night. I had no idea it was all part of master plan though.

We had a tumultuous dating relationship-constantly breaking up, crying, fighting, getting back together. He had succeeded in all but completely separating me from my friends. He had nearly convinced me that they were all bad people who didn't actually care about me, but wanted to use me. After five years of turmoil, we got engaged to the surprise, and later I found out dismay, of many people. We were engaged only for a couple of months before getting married. It was all so fast...a complete blur.

The day I got married, I was torn and crushed. I didn't want to do it, even as I walked down the aisle on my brother's arm. I was completely convinced though that no one else would ever love me. I was just so difficult to deal with on top of not being very smart, thin, pretty, or wise. I just didn't seem to have a whole lot going for me, and so I had resolved myself to this end...marry the only one who would have me. As soon as the ceremony was over, I cried. Then I cried some more. The tears didn't stop. I couldn't help thinking "what have I done?! My God what have I done?!" I wouldn't even sleep with him that day. I just laid in the bed crying. I was horrified at what had happened, and I thought there was no turning back. I honestly believed I had ruined my own life. Had I only gone with my instincts...

As soon as we came home from the honeymoon, I was in tears and begging for counseling. I was miserable and wanted help. My head was so twisted and convoluted even then, I couldn't see which way was up or down. I remember laying on the floor sobbing begging for help and being denied. I was told I just needed to work it out on my own. We couldn't afford help so I needed to just deal with it, besides, they were MY issues anyway. This went on and on for months, and then years. At first I thought maybe it was just a crazy side effect from birth control. The drugs made me terribly sick anyway, so perhaps they also made me crazy? I had no idea. I was exhausted all the time. I was careful to eat only small portions, and to NEVER eat any sweets. Everything was 100% organic, and often I didn't eat at all. I ran constantly and was at the gym all the time. I had to get thinner. Maybe then I'd be prettier, and then maybe, just maybe, I'd almost be good enough for him. It was a long shot, but I figured I should at least try. I knew I'd never be as smart or as wise as him. He told me that himself.

Soon I found myself going on shopping binges. If I could get the newest Marc Jacobs dress and the amazing Chloe stilettos, then I'd look pretty enough that he would turn his head when I walked in the room. Instead, he just continued to expect me to show up with Starbucks every Sunday and sit there quietly while he told stories and laughed with his friends. I wasn't to interrupt. If I did, I risked the humiliation of being shushed in front of all those people in the green room at church. So I sat and said nothing. I just tried my best to look pretty and maintain a certain image. I had all the right jeans, dresses, shoes, and makeup. I went to all the right places and always had the right drink in my Starbucks cup. Never was a hair out of place nor a speck of mascara on my cheek. I managed to maintain a very lean figure, weighing in at a mere 110 pounds, which, at 5'9" isn't a whole lot.

On top of everything else, I worked constantly. He wanted to be a rockstar, and I, as the wife, was responsible for funding his dreams. Since he was the husband, all of my dreams and desires had to be put on hold for a while. Besides, they were "Alexis Desires" not "God Desires". Clearly, his were God ordained, and mine were little more than pipe dreams. What a silly girl I was to think any differently. So, often I would work 17 hours a day 5 days a week to pay the bills. Someone had to pay for the expensive jeans and haircuts, etc. I quickly learned though that he was far more entitled to nice things like that than I was because he got paid to look good because he was on stage. Plus, his $300 jeans and $700 hoodie were tax right-offs anyway since he was a rockstar. I know, silly me. What was I thinking when I said that seemed ridiculous???

Slowly over time, I begin to sink down into a very deep, dark depression. I was bitter and angry all the time. Eventually, he even had me convinced that I needed to be institutionalized. I was literally curled up in a ball on the floor crying because he convinced me that I was hearing voices in my head. Of course he never said I was lazy. "Satan let me hear that." Gosh what a stupid girl for not knowing it was that tricky Satan who allowed me to see and hear my own husband call me lazy after I had worked a whole day, cleaned the house, and prepared dinner for him and his friends. Of course it was Satan. That's the only rational answer.

As I slipped further into this depression, I became addicted to working in a restaurant. I was good at it, and the work was mindless as it came naturally to me. It was almost like a soft rocking wave. It was easy and familiar, and the only place I felt validated.

The day he bought the $700 hoodie was a big turning point for me. After he made that brilliant purchase, I began looking at shoes. At this point, he propositioned me. If I wanted a pair of shoes, I would have to openly have sex with him in his truck right there in the parking lot at a very high end mall in the middle of the day on a busy Saturday. I had explained to him many times how much I hated to feel like a piece of meat, but he insisted I do that or I was a bad wife. He drilled it into my head that I wasn't a Proverbs 31 woman. Over and over again he told me how selfish I was and that I was a horrible prude. These are the same comments I received that day when I denied him. He said I should be a whore for my husband though. It was torturous, and I was reduced to nothing more than a ghost inside of the girl I used to be.

I couldn't escape either. I was too proud to tell anyone what was really happening at home. I was so good at putting up a facade that no one was the wiser either. The years of solitude while he was away traveling had provided me the opportunity to only strengthen the already existing walls guarding my heart. Not to mention my fear of being a failure. I didn't want to disappoint my mom. I was so scared of hurting her. And I was covered in shame. I couldn't bear telling people the things that had happened. I didn't think they would believe me.

It all began to unravel when I found the hidden stash of weed though. I was vacuuming and found the inside of a paper towel roll stuffed with dryer sheets. Confused I asked him what it was. He explained casually that he smoked joints through it so I wouldn't smell the weed. That erupted into a huge fight. I started sleeping by myself in a room downstairs. I constantly came home to him hanging out with his friends. I was a stranger in my own house. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum: do what I say because I'm the husband and that's why or get out. So I left.

I moved out into my own place. I worked a minimum of 80 hours a week to pay his bills and mine. I hardly ate a thing. I mostly would come home and drink until I fell asleep only to do it all again the next day. I was bitterly depressed and more alone than I had ever been. My mind was a disaster. I didn't know what I had done or what I was going to do. Truly I never would've left had my best friend not talked me through it all for a year a half prior to me walking out. But then, once I was out, I could barely afford to turn on the heat in my apartment. I slept wrapped in blankets on the floor by the fire so I didn't have to spend extra money. I never went out, and I was allowed only $5 cash at the bookstore. I worked to the bone...dropped down to probably 100 pounds. Size 0 jeans were falling off of me. I was a wreck. On top of everything he continued playing sick mind games with me-trying to coerce me to come back home and in the next breath damning me. Literally the mental and emotional wear and tear was nearly more than I could handle. I'm not ashamed to admit that thoughts of suicide entered my mind numerous times in those years of marriage and in the months after I left. I thought if I could just leave this world everyone else would be so much happier, and finally, I wouldn't be sad anymore, besides, I was worth nothing anyway right?

Finally I went to counseling again. We had trying going as a married couple, but to no avail. He would present one side of himself to the counselor...the sweet, loving side...but then in private, he would berate me for making him look like a monster. This time though, I went alone. I had to go for months. Sometimes I had to go twice a week. Eventually I was able to spread out my visits more as my counselor thought I improved. Slowly a glimmer of the old Alexis began to appear. It was faint at first, but I could see it. I hardly recognized myself. I began to reconnect with old friends. Strangely, one of my most important friends I talk to only via the internet or text messaging. Yet this friend knows me better than anyone else possibly does at this point in my life. He protects my secrets and has been an immense help to me through all of my mess.

As time passes by, even though I'm still not 100% free from the hold he has on me, the old Ali is coming back stronger. She's more familiar now. She's not afraid anymore either. I still hate when people tell me I'm pretty because I'd rather be sweet and smart. I don't want my value to ever be based on my appearance again. I want to think that someday someone somewhere will love me as I am. I don't want to be a project for some guy with a white knight complex. I want to be the part that completes the whole. I'm afraid to burden someone else with my tale. My secrets are heavy I know. I hope that one day though someone will be brave enough and strong enough to love me anyway. Perhaps someone can look beyond what was and see who I am instead.

Liar

2010-06-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm describing myself. Why? Because it's apt. I live my life behind a facade. I maintain this image of the pretty happy girl, but when I am real and honest, I am confused, disheartened, angry, and sad. I go home and weep with sorrow. Why? A multitude of reasons. What to do? I have no idea.

I don't want to be a liar. Yet I don't want to burden anyone else with my pain. It's silly probably anyway. But it's still there. I don't want to always be the strong one. I want to be able to fall apart and have someone catch me on the way down. Yet still I sit alone as I write this. My longing unfulfilled, and my heart weighted with despair and anxiety.

Sleep is the only real escape and the only place I am able to find some sort of solitude. So I choose it as often as I can, if only for a moment, to find a bit of peace in the chaos of this world.

Someday...someday perhaps I will be allowed the gift of true happiness.

The Weight of the World

2010-05-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've written before about how I am so tired of running this race. Some days, it seems to be more than I can handle. Today, was one of those days.
Let me first explain that I have had 2 jobs since I was 20 years old. I'm going to be 30 in November. My point being that I have worked hard for a long time. In fact, now I even have 3 jobs. I do this in order to finance my life, which right now means paying very expensive legal bills and taxes on top of my usual bills like rent and insurance.
By no means do I live an extravagant life. However, the legal bills and taxes add a very heavy burden to the weight I already bear.
Today I opened a bill to find that I owe my lawyer's $1500. Where that money will come from, I have no idea. I certainly don't have it, especially given that I still owe the government a few thousand dollars as well.
When I opened that bill, it was just too much to handle. I felt like the floodwaters were about to rush forth. I am exhausted, and I am so angry that I am having to incur these exorbitant expenses on account of someone else.

God, I can't even believe I was married to him. I want to get away so badly. I want to escape, but even still while he's on his honeymoon with his new wife, I sit here with his claws still in my back. All of the emotions involved in this are so scattered and so many I can't even begin to describe them all. And the only thing I want is my freedom. I want the chance to start over. I would give anything for a new life. What is the cost of that? What must I do? What more must I withstand to gain my freedom, or am I destined to be an indentured servant for the remainder of my days. Atlas carried the world on his great and mighty shoulders, but I'm not Atlas. I'm nowhere close. My endurance and stamina are waning at this point, and I just need to breathe.

Little Ghost

2010-05-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

I dreamt a dream last night,
and in it I could feel your warm touch.
I could hear you breathing,
and my heart skipped as you whispered to me.

As the stars faded and my room filled with light
you too little ghost slipped from sight.
The sun came and took you away,
and left me empty yet again today.

"The Human String in the Cat's Cradle of Her Heart"

2010-05-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

It is this deep sentiment of longing for love that plucks away at that string
Amidst the twisted, knotted entanglement of forgotten emotions.

To be the epicenter of another's very being;
To be the light that fills his eyes;
To be the music that resounds in his soul.

To have my laugh sound like angels;
To be the most enchanting creature;
To be the only one in the room full of people.

Not life nor death can touch me so deeply as this desire to be loved.
For this I will bare my soul.

Pretty Girls

2010-05-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

Women love to hate them.
Men only want to sleep with them.
They essentially are nothing more
than pretty little play things.

Adorned with nothing more than a smile
they illicit feelings of angst and animosity,
and lewd lust and desire.

They do nothing more than walk in a room,
but they're targeted as an entity,
not a person.

Soon they are reduced to nothing more than a face,
not even a name.
They have no thoughts or opinions.
They are nothing. Beauty is fleeting and subjective.

The pretty girls,
they blow away.
They are dust in the wind.

Playing in the Rain

2010-05-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

I want to dance and sing she said,
But it's pouring out he told her.
I don't care she retorted.
Your hair will be a mess, and your dress will get wet.

I won't melt though, and I like how it smells.
You're sweet enough to melt though he said and smiled.
But I won't she said defiantly.

I'm going and you can't stop me.
I guess I might as well come along then he replied.
So they went out into the storm and turned their faces to the sky.
The weight of the world washed away under the heavy downpour.

She didn't melt, and her hair was a mess and her dress soaked.
It was worth it he told her, just to see you smile.

To Give

2010-05-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

To have the capacity and ability to give to other people is an incredible thing. Ideally it would be nice to be able to change someone's life in a completely dramatic way; however, I wonder how much a day might be changed by a simple smile, a kind word, or a gentle touch. Could we each possess the power to change the world by such simple actions?

If there is any plausibility to the butterfly effect at all, I think that this is in fact quite possible. Granted, some hurdles may be more difficult to cross than others, but imagine a day in which you pass by people on the street and actually acknowledge each individual. It astounds me that we live in those huge cosmopolitan cities surrounded by millions of people and yet have no contact with another person at all in a given day. I know at times I have been very depressed and felt terribly alone. I would've given anything to have someone act like I was alive. Instead, I made my way through the day quietly and unnoticed. I wonder how my day may have been altered had someone taken an interest in the forlorn girl in the corner with her face buried in a book pretending to have a bustling life with a phone that wouldn't stop buzzing for a minute because she was so terribly popular.

I have tried for years to fill a void in my life with all sorts of superficial, meaningless things, from dresses to shoes to fruitless relationships. I've found that giving back to others has allowed me to settle into being myself. The joy of giving is one of the greatest feelings I can imagine. To see another person smile because of some small sacrifice I make...well, I'd give anything I have for that. All of the money in the world can't buy that joy.

A-OK

2010-05-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Everything is going to all right. No, really. I know that. There is a peace and a sense of understanding I have been blessed with as of late that tells me this is a definitive truth. The road is winding, and the storms will rage, but I know that at the end there is a safe place waiting. I know that all the toils and snares along the way only serve to make me stronger and wiser. I know this now. I wish I had known years ago, but then I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now I can sit here and write these posts with little concern in regard to pleasing my audience. I can write for me and simple be honest with my thoughts. I am okay with who I am now. I don't feel the need to validate myself with new shoes and dresses. I have no interest in fame or fortune. My interest is people. They will fail me, and in turn, I will do the same to others. We are human, and we have a pretty significant learning curve. However, school is continually in session and so we can only get better at life...at living...and effectually at loving.

That's how I know everything will be okay...because none of "stuff" matters. It's the people who are at the core of everything worth anything. Lesson learned.

The Kindest Words...

2010-05-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, I have been the recipient of some very kind compliments in the past week or two. It's funny, that me with a head full of words has nothing to say after having these lovely words bestowed upon me. I am simply overwhelmed. The people who have said these things say they are simply speaking truth. That truth is beyond anything I can comprehend though. To have people see me in such an incredible way is more than I could ever hope for.

Not only have these kind words filled my heart with joy and gratitude, but they have brought an understanding to me as to why it's so important to speak to others in the same manner. I see now how a heart is touched by the simplest word, or how it can be torn in the same way. I hope to be able to keep this in mind in dealing with people so that I too can overwhelm others with kind truths and avoid tearing their very tender hearts.

Echo

2010-05-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

It seems in the last few weeks that the rhythm of my heart has begun to echo the rhythm of life, or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, I am finding a peace I have not known for some time. I feel...settled, and okay with where my life is right now. I do not feel rushed to make any major decisions. I feel like I have the freedom I have wanted for so long. And in all of that, my heart is finally in sync with my mind, and in turn, I believe my spirit is more in line with where it needs to be as well.

It's as though...I can rest. Finally. I have been waiting for this for years, literally. And now, I have this overwhelming feeling that everything really will turn out all right. I am learning to forgive, and in doing so, learning how to really live. I am learning to trust and to love and to do so with wisdom but without such great trepidation. I am learning to let go of my bitter and jaded cynicism. I'm trading it in for grace, mercy, and kindness. I am trying so hard to have a gentle spirit and a tender heart. And I am learning to allow myself to be surprised by potentially great things.

I have recently been touched by the kindest words from several different people. These dear compliments were so unexpected, and unbeknown to me, so very needed. I didn't know that real, genuine people could see me in such a lovely light. They have seen me for who I am though, and that is the greatest compliment I could possibly receive.

So here I sit, waiting for the next surprise. Yet, not expecting anything. I am content where I am...settled and quite happy. I hope that this echo doesn't stop. To maintain it I think I must constantly maintain my perspective. I must always remember that my problems are really insignificant compared to most. And above all, I cannot forget how important it is to love people. That is where the greatest joy lies, in building relationships...showing people they have value and worth beyond something superficial. I hope to leave as my legacy one day that I have loved well...and echo the spirit of a heart far greater than my own.

The Onion

2010-04-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

No, no, no. Not the "news source." Don't be silly. I mean more like the Shrek version actually...I'm referring to the layers. I'm sure other things are layered, but an onion is the first item that came to mind.
I was thinking today about how as I start to shed my skin a little, and quit hiding behind all that jaded cynicism, there is a lovely girl down in there. I remember her quite well now. She is much sweeter and kinder, more lively, more gentle, more caring, and really just all around better than the girl she became. She's edging her way back in, but it is taking time.

I became someone I'm not terribly proud of. Now granted, I wouldn't have survived a very difficult situation had I not been able to barricade myself behind strength and a cold, hard disposition. I would've gone mad quite literally. It was necessary to become that person. Like the Aqualung says, "to bear the weight, it's easier to lie." But now, I can't hide behind that facade any longer. The weight has been lifted and life is rather lovely actually.

I'm enjoying my foray back into my old skin. It's like finding an old pair of jeans that fit perfectly and feel like a dream. I've had the privilege to reconnect with old friends who allow me to be...well me, and it feels so good. It's comfortable, and it feels like coming home again.

I'm okay with who I am now. In fact, I like it. I have learned so much along the way, and so all the hardships were worth it. I am grateful to know that I have the personal strength to withstand an enormous amount of pressure. Now though, I'm ready to lay that all aside and go back to just being Ali...in wonderland, where things really are delightfully curiouser and curiouser.

Sleep to Dream You

2010-04-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's like a sweet ocean breeze comes flooding in
As I slip away into my solitude.
That gentle breeze; the intoxicating smell.
Gently, gently I fall away
Only to find you there waiting in the night.

I do not know your face or name
But you are there, quiet and waiting.
You have been there a long time
So still, so peaceful, so kind.
I can find you when I close my eyes
And the stars dance through the dark sky.

So each day I wait
For that serene moment
When at last I am at rest
And I can sleep to dream you.

The Race

2010-04-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am by no means a runner...not by any stretch of the imagination; however, I feel like I have been running the world's longest marathon. The last few years have been arduous to say the least. After two years of dealing with a less than amicable divorce, I thought I was finally at the finish line. I truly believed I was at a place where I could finally rest. The idea of slowing down and actually having something that might closely resemble a "real life" is such a far off concept to me that I dare not hope for or dream of it. Instead, I must keep my hand steady and nose to the grindstone.

The race is still going. There is a new route now, and another court date...more lawyers bills, more legal jargon being thrown around, more accusations, more threats. It's all completely exhausting. I have no idea how I have weathered the storm thus far to be honest. Some days I feel like simply laying on the floor and kicking and screaming like a toddler. Other days I yearn to simply fall apart in the arms of someone who loves me. I do those things only in my mind though, and instead keep cool, calm, and collected on the outside. I try my best to maintain that tough girl front, but it's just to avoid completely losing all my sanity and sense of rationale.

God I hope this ends sooner rather than later. I'd like so much to sit on a beach with the cool blue water dancing upon the tips of my toes while the breeze gently swirled around my hair...

The Power of Forgiveness

2010-04-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

It is strange to me the potential power that can be released by the simple act of forgiveness. I had no idea how dynamic it could be, but I am learning.

Patty Griffin is a wise woman. Listen to the lyrics of her songs and you will understand. Her song "Forgiveness" has been on my mind lately for obvious reasons. In the first verse she sings about snakes at the bottom of the well. She describes how people are swimming in silent darkness where they simply fell, and how if they stay there, they will never be free. The trick is to obtain that freedom, the people must experience forgiveness in one form or another, whether by granting it or receiving it.

This is where I am...trying to climb out of the well. I don't want to forever swim about in the dank, murky waters. I am seeking freedom and peace, and to do that, I must experience forgiveness.

In my case, I have to forgive myself, which for some reason is considerably more difficult than forgiving someone else. As I daily strive to do so though, I can feel the walls around my heart slowly chip away. It's frightening most certainly, but I believe this to be a good and necessary experience if I want my life to progress instead of remaining stagnant.

The interesting part is that as I allow myself more freedom, I also am forcing myself to try to understand many emotions which I have always tossed aside as meaningless or senseless. I now find myself wanting to feel things the way other people do. I want to see the other side of the spectrum. I want to know it, and I do not want to be afraid.

This is a difficult task, and for someone who is a calculated risk taker, it has me on edge a bit. I think I will be able to find my footing eventually, but it will take time. Until then, I'll just find a comfy spot and settle in for the ride.

Oh What an Epiphany It Was...

2010-03-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

A friend was telling me last night that often he's just not quite sure how to take me, meaning he can't always read me. He said I come off as so very put together and self sufficient. Well of course I do...that's the role I play. I told him it was all a facade, and it is. Beneath all of that collected exterior is a girl who cannot allow herself to have a real relationship and she inevitably always ends up alone...exactly where she doesn't want to be.
Everyone wants to be loved by someone...to be looked after and cared for. I run from it though. I am too afraid to let down my guard and risk getting hurt. Well, that's one part of it anyway, but that's the obvious reason. The more discreet, stealthy issue is that I don't trust people because I have yet to forgive myself. Sound strange? Probably. When you think about it though, it makes perfect sense.
I am terrified of making a mess of things again. I worry that I will let down people who love me. I am afraid that I won't be able to recover if I do it again. I'm so very afraid of not being perfect. I cannot forgive myself for what I have done in the past. In my mind, I ruined everything. I am the worst thing I could possibly be...a disappointment.
Yet, I do this to myself. No one else thinks this of me. It is my own hubris that gets the best of me. I know this now. This is the great epiphany. I have to forgive myself in order to truly love someone else and be loved in return. What does that look like in application? An acceptance of past mistakes and a willingness to take a risk and quite possibly falter again.
It seems that if I can perhaps accomplish though I will finally have the freedom I so desire. From what I can tell, as it stands, I am bound by my own chains, and we can't have that now can we?

The Anti-Love Love

2010-03-21T18:57:00.001-07:00

I think I tend to believe that I don't want someone to love me because in mind that is essentially nothing more than subjecting myself to under the control of someone else. That only makes me think that I will lose my freedom and independence and that my spirit will be crushed. What I'm beginning to learn is that maybe there is a love out there that isn't quite like that and that perhaps what I know of love isn't really love at all. So maybe it is okay to let someone love me...maybe.

I like having someone around, someone whom I can depend on to laugh with me, cry with me, stay up late and get up early with me. But I seem to like that only on my terms. I am somewhat affronted when I feel like another person is infringing upon my time or makes assumptions about me. But maybe if I can just learn to let people be people I will be in a better mindset. I do want that safe and secure feeling. I do want to be protected. I just fear so much that I will lose bits of who I am in exchange for that safety.

Is there a love that will still allow me to fly freely? Is there a love that is real and isn't like all the silly movies? Is there someone who has his own thoughts and opinions and doesn't take mine as his own? If there is a love like this...an anti-love love, then I'll take it.

A Caged Bird

2010-03-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't always feel this way...at least I don't think I did...

It seems though that my mindset has shifted in the last several years. I have become quite cynical and jaded. I trust virtually no one...not really anyway. And I keep people at arm's length. Selfish? Yes. Willing to change? Not at the moment.

The thought I most want to explore though is my view of love. This is quite possibly my greatest fault. I see love and relationships as a lock and key. I think to be loved by someone must be similar to being a caged bird. Love, in my mind, only symbolizes loss of freedom and independence, loss of self, and something that most closely resembles being an indentured servant. Because of this, I view relationships as nothing more than control. I've been told I'm wrong, and while that may well be true, I am not yet ready to allow my perspective to change. It is too risky. I cannot conceivably allow myself to do something that could cost me my freedom.

Today someone told me that my analogy is backwards and that love is really the bird flying free. I just can't see it though. I have no frame of reference to understand what that might look like in a practical application. The only things I know of love I have mentioned. Well, I know those things, and I have seen fairy tale love in movies. That is just some silly idealistic fable though. Real love isn't so pretty. Relationships don't come so neatly packaged. They are difficult and messy and weighty. They come with chains and locks.

Freedom and independence are the only way to be able to fly though.

The Fine Line Between Genius and Insanity

2010-03-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend of mine mentioned that he thought Walt Whitman was brilliant, a genius even, but that he may have been a tad crazy too. I considered this notion for a moment and begin to think of other great artists, poets, writers, etc. What about Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allan Poe, Albert Einstein, Leonardo DaVinci, Dali? The list could go on for quite some time. The point is, all of these people are brilliant. I mean truly brilliant, not in the sense of simply being intelligent, but their intellect and capacity to obtain knowledge and understand concepts and theories is so far beyond what the average person is able to comprehend.
So often, people with this sort of mind, although occasionally praised and revered, are often rather shunned from society. "Normal" people cannot understand the brilliant ones. They do not typically "fit in" at usual social functions, and their conversations are beyond average to say the least. To most people though, that is simply frustrating, weird, and crazy.
I have a theory on this though. First of all, I believe average people say a genius is crazy because it's a simple explanation, one that requires no real backup, and it is easily dismissed in conversation and people simply carry on as they were. I think though that the real reason these people are labeled as "crazy" is because they have the courage to bring to life thoughts and ideas and beliefs that other people only dare to think of in the darkest caverns of their minds. If everyone were honest about what they really thought, wouldn't we all be a little bit crazy too?

The Long Road

2010-01-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

the frailty of life is something intangible. it cannot be held in the palm of the hand. it cannot be seen or heard. it is however quite real to all of us, yet we disregard its importance until we are faced with the cold, harsh reality of it.
someone died today. someone dies every day, but this someone was the husband of a friend. as i drove home and watched watched the road unwind in front of me the same way it does every day, i remembered how it feels to lose someone you love. i remembered how it seemed as though i were outside myself watching everything go on around me. i could see myself standing there while the rest of the world continued on with everyday functions. it was as though i were screaming and no one could hear me. there, that cold, dark solitude is what i remembered so well today. that, i'm sure, must be how my friend felt today as she moved through the motions in complete shock while other people tended to their everyday lives. tomorrow she will wake up and her world will have been forever changed. she no longer has a safe place to call home. her home has been dismantled and there is nothing she can do about it.
that is the core of what i'm thinking now. i know so well what it is to lose your "home". not necessarily that i no longer have shelter or a dwelling place, but my actual home with my family, that safe comfortable place, is no longer there for me when i am hurt, frightened, exhausted, lonely, or in need of solace. my home is no longer something that exists. it is nowhere.
is my road one that leads me home? is the idea of home something that can never be attained? is it something that is only fleeting...something that should it be obtained is only destined to be lost again?
i was told tonight there is a difference in living and surviving. i'm not certain that i can differentiate between the two though. nor am i sure what the goal of doing either might be. live for what? survive for what? is there a point to traveling this long, arduous road? what does the end hold? maybe nothing after all...

The Intellect in Theology

2009-12-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

For the past year and a half or so I have had lengthy theological debates with an incredibly intelligent friend of mine via Gmail chat. These debates have at times grown quite passionate, and often the only answer I can muster is a simple "I don't know." Initially I was strongly opposed to many of his ideas simply because of my own fundamentalist foundation.

The problem with being a fundamentalist Christian though is that it removes the ability for people to think and reason on their own. As children we are told many different facts about Jesus, the Bible, church, etc; facts that may indeed be fallacies. I think that these ideas such as the inerrancy of the Bible are taught because they are easy. They require no thought. They simply are accepted as truth.

Now if we are encouraged to sort out and reason our own way through issues such as philosophy and politics and also pressed to excel in areas such as calculus and chemistry, how can we rationally discourage people from exploring religion and building a foundation for their beliefs instead of simply accepting someone else's ideology as our own truth? Therein lies the intellect in theology. We should encourage others to seek their own answers, and to ask questions, and to have doubts. How can one man's faith be built on the foundation of another man's? My house cannot be built on my neighbor's foundation. The same applies to my relationship with God and my faith in Him. It must be something that I come to on my own with my own understanding of who God is in my own life. I am unable to do this if my ability to question and think is taken away from me. God has given this intellect. It would be an injustice not to use it.

Free Life

2009-11-29T19:58:00.000-08:00

I realize I "borrowed" the title of this song from Dan Wilson, but I think he's on to something. In fact, I know he is.

I have this life, this free life, and in it, I may choose to do what I please. There is no one telling me I HAVE to do any one specific thing or not do something else. Given that freedom of choice, how should I choose to spend it?

Ultimately, I hope that in my life I am wise and make decisions based on what I believe is the only lasting thing in this world--relationships. I hope that in my time on this lovely earth I am able to be someone who treats others with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Granted, this will not always be the case, but nevertheless, it is what I hope for.

Now with this idea in mind, how am I to navigate the waters when I encounter someone who essentially is a constant source of turmoil and frustration? Personally, I do not want to become consumed by bitterness and anger. Yes the aforementioned person has wronged me more times than I could ever possibly even remember, but regardless, for my own sake, I do not want to be bitter and angry all the time. How is that I may be patient and understanding? I feel as though I have tolerated the person's ignorance, selfishness, and foolishness for long enough. Is there an end in sight? Certainly there must be, but what to do until that point?

2009-10-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have recently been thinking about fear. It seems to be a common theme throughout my thoughts and my writing. I'm wondering though if it is in fact the human condition to possess fear. What I mean is this: Are we all innately inclined to be afraid and therefore often allow our fears to control our lives; is fear an effect and our society the cause; or are some people simply impervious to fear, and if so, how can that possibly be?

I'm inclined to believe that we are all subject to fear at some point, and the reason for that is because we live in a fallen world. I suppose that sounds cliche to some, but i earnestly believe that is the truth. In view of that, how do we combat our fears? To some, fear is a cruel tyrant, callously ruining lives. To others, it is nothing more than a vague memory. How is it the strong survive though? How are they able to defeat their fear and win back the freedom to live their own lives?

2009-10-06T17:59:00.000-07:00

It's over now. Finally. Nearly two years later I have the papers and I am officially divorced. To a degree saying that sounds almost as if it's a dirty word...something that would draw harsh glares and lots of "shushing" from the prim and proper society crowd. No amount of shushing or sweeping it under the rug will make it go away though. It's there and it's real. It is a scar I shall bear forever. As I sit here sifting through the intense emotions I'm feeling, I know that I finally have freedom that I never before possessed. Yet there is still a sadness, guilt, complex fears, hurt, joy, jubilation, doubt, and certainly exhaustion that all overwhelms me. I am not certain of how to compartmentalize these feelings. I think it would be foolish to simply dismiss them and brush them aside. Dealing with them head on is the way to go. That much I have learned.

I know that to some I shall always bear a scarlet "A", but I cannot control what people think of me. Moving past that desire to want approval from people is challenging though for someone like me who earnestly wants to please everyone. That brings me to another lesson I have learned...that the only one I need to worry about pleasing is my God. That is something to which I must hold onto tenaciously.

There are also several looming fears...that I will forever be alone for one, and the other being that I have made a terrible mistake. I realize that what's done is done. Nothing can or will change the past. My only option is to move forward and not dwell on what might have been or what was. If I can manage to do that, I think I will also be able to move past the guilt I feel over this whole debacle. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I have discussed it at length with many people whom I consider to be wise counsel. I've also spent much time praying about this issue as well. I always come to the same conclusion...that leaving was the right thing, but regardless, I'm still left feeling responsible for hurting someone terribly. Then I worry that I am destined to always be failure in relationships...that I'll always hurt someone and I will just be left sad and lonely.

Then there's the absolute ecstasy of finally being able to close this chapter of my life. It has been SUCH a long process. I want to leave it all behind. I don't know what that means exactly or what it looks like...but I know I need to be able to get a fresh start. I am making steps toward what I think that might be. I need to breathe for a while and relish in this freedom.

Something...

2009-09-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's me, or rather something about me. Maybe the something is nothing. I'm not sure anymore to be honest. I know that I often feel that something is missing though, as if I am incomplete. I don't know exactly how to identify that void. All I can think is that I do not belong. I have yet to find that place that is made for me. I no longer have a home to which I can return when my world collapses all around me. I have only a room in a place that I rent. My family, small though it may be, is not only a bit scattered, but has also become somewhat of an enigma this past year. My world has changed drastically, and I cannot seem to find a place to rest. It is as though I am constantly treading water. Occasionally someone will come along, and I think perhaps this person is different. Maybe he's safe. Maybe I can cling to him. This has yet to be true. They're all the same, and I remain just another girl to each of them. I realize that this bears no reflection on my worth as an individual. It's just that I want to be chosen by someone. I want a place to finally just be. I want that security. I don't want to go it alone anymore. I want something more. As patience is not a virtue that I really seem to possess, perhaps God is trying His hardest to teach it to me. Most days I am completely fine. Others, ahh...what I wouldn't get to have a place to call home.

The Trust Debacle

2009-07-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

It is a giant risk to trust someone. You lay your heart on the line. You can and more than likely will get hurt, or at the very least be sorely disappointed. Trusting someone can evolve into a whirlwind of emotions and pain. Ultimately, trusting someone can be the most terrifying and excruciatingly painful anyone chooses to do.

With that in mind, what to do when someone repeatedly tells you to not trust him or her? On the one hand, that sounds like a terribly honest admission, which leads one to believe the person who said it in the first place. Then, on the other hand, perhaps it is fair warning. I wonder though, if the person who might say that in all actuality simply doesn't trust him or herself. How would that person be different if someone did trust him or her, or believed in that person? It seems that person is simply afraid of him or herself. If the person is aware of his or her weaknesses though, saying "don't trust me" just seems like the easy way out. Then he or she doesn't have to face his or her own demons. If one cannot be trusted, that is a problem he or she must address. It should be of no concern to anyone else. So what are those demons dancing inside the head of someone who may say such a thing? What is the underlying issue there? It seems that if you know you are not to be trusted, you simply allow yourself to succumb to your weaknesses instead of conquering them.

Despite all the heartache trust may well bring with it, on the flip side is a world full of great joy, love, friendship, compassion, caring, and understanding. In my mind these things far outweigh any of the negative aspects. I would prefer to take the risk and lay my heart on the line. I may get hurt, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

A Brave Heart

2009-07-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

I was asked some poignant questions the other night regarding what, in a tangible way, it looks like to truly seek Christ and truly want nothing more than Him. My friend who asked me about this matter wondered aloud what the secret was of people like Moses and other great men of the Bible. My immediate response is that these men, men like David who was described as a man after God's own heart, were not ruled by fear. I am of the belief that truly great people do not allow their lives to be dictated to them by their fears of what others may think of them or fears of disappointing someone or really any other sort of fear for that matter. I think that these men knew that doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing was far more pleasing to God than it was important to please man. They were not concerned with things of this world. They had character, integrity, and brave hearts. These men and women, Rahab for example, chose Christ over man, despite the fact that their choice was not always popular. They served a king. They knew 2 Corinithians 4:16-18 to be true and lived their lives accordingly.

I know it is a lofty goal, yet I find myself hoping that perhaps I too can be like these people. I do not dare put myself in the same category as King David, yet I still pray that I can live my life to please my God and not to please any man. Surely, I can lay aside my own pride and follow a King who gave his own life to save mine. As my courageous friend Scott Bradley Stream said with regard to sacrificing his life for freedom and our great nation, "it is but a small thing". Certainly to die to myself for my Savior is a small thing as well.

Wondering what the Future Holds...

2009-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

You know those people who are the most incredible people you know, but they have no idea? The ones who are kind and compassionate, not just intelligent but also thoughtful, discerning and wise, unabashedly honest, humble, steadfast, joyful, quiet in spirit, and who bring a peace to your soul by just being around. And it is those people who are rare finds and who have yet to realize their own greatness.
For these people I wonder what the future holds. What lies before them on the unknown road? My hope is that one day these people will finally take hold of who they truly are in Christ and fulfill their potential to the fullest. Great things must await these people for they are earnest and true. They emulate the heart of Christ without even trying to do so.
I pray for these people that they will be blessed beyond imagination. I pray that they will find someone who loves them completely and who will be their advocate and lift them up when they fall. I pray that they will see how incredibly beautiful they are, not necessarily physically, but beautiful in spirit, character, and integrity. Oh I pray great and mighty things are to come for these people. I pray blessings on their families and all whom they touch as well. I pray that the angels surround them and protect them so that not even their feet might touch a stone. God bless these people. May they come to learn of their own greatness.

A New Perspective

2009-07-05T19:07:00.000-07:00

I sat outside church writing today for about 30 minutes. I was sorting through these thoughts of feeling like my worth was only in what I look like. I was torn about this and really in great turmoil as I want so badly for someone to see what lies beneath. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see my heart and the intricacies therein. Perhaps someone will see me for my character, integrity, and compassion. On the flip side though, perhaps not. I do not know what the future holds for me. I do know that I realized today that regardless of my doubts and fears, my God is much bigger than all of that, and His power far outweighs any of my hopelessness.

After I sat writing this afternoon, I walked into church fully ready to listen and learn and allow God to speak to my heart. And He did. I saw that in my brokenness, I had lost sight of what is important. I was so focused on "poor pitiful" me, that I had given little thought to the lives of others and the hurt and uncertainty they may be experiencing and how I could help. How foolish of me to get so caught up in something so trivial as whether or not people see me the way I want them to see me.

I sat in church in this broken state, singing the songs, listening to the sermon, and then, the pastor quoted Nelson Mandela...
"We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."
Upon hearing that the realization of my foolishness really began to set in. So many thoughts flooded my mind then...and there was a peace about who I am and the way I am perceived. And then people began to give their prayer requests. I was so humbled when I heard the afflictions in the lives of others. My heart was broken, and I sat there nearly in tears, especially after a friend mentioned something he was dealing with that is very close to my own heart. All of these different prayer requests, all equally legitimate, none more important than another, gave me a fresh perspective. I have placed too much importance on myself. I have not allowed God to complete His work in me just yet. There is still much to do. To allow this to happen, I think I have to approach Him with a more broken spirit and a more willing heart. I must truly deny myself

Another Kind of Beautiful

2009-07-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

I never hoped to be beautiful, not in the pretty girl who always gets her way because she's pretty sense anyway. Beauty I of that nature, purely physical beauty, is fleeting I always thought. It has no real substance. I had always hope for far more for myself. I wanted people to see the complex inner working of my heart and mind and appreciate me for that, not for what I may look like. I do not want to be simply the girl who skates through life on her appearance. I don't want to be the pretty girl. I want to be the girl who is unique in her own right. I want desperately to be loved for who I am, and I want someone who is willing to take the time to find out who that person is. I don't want to just be the girl who can joke around. I want to be the real girl who possesses great depth, compassion, wisdom, intellect, humor, understanding, and love. And in those things, I hope to be beautiful. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see all the intricate details within my heart and find them fascinating and intriguing. I'm not certain that is something my future holds, but I continue to hope that it is.

Bethany Dillon "Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Great Expectations

2009-06-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Now I sit here contemplating the idea of what my life may look like were it slightly different...if in fact "one selected day [were] struck out of it." My how it could potentially be so different. But in its differences, would it better, more ideal, or in fact might it be less fulfilling than what it is today? If I pause and think of how my life may be different if, perhaps my father had never passed away, the end result is a striking contrast to reality. I am certain I would have been spoiled terribly and not at all been forced to learn to be responsible and self sufficient. My mother would not have been a widow for fourteen years, nor would she have her new family with her new husband and his children. Perhaps my brother would not be quite so sad if he had had his father around to look out for him and guide him. It is possible that I would be far less cynical than I sometimes prove to be, and even a plausible notion that I perhaps never would have married the man I did and then divorced. That would be changing a day in my life...

I think though that I would not change a thing about my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences whether they are good or seemingly bad. I have learned from them all, and I believe myself to be a better person for all of it. I like my life. I like the person I have been allowed to become through circumstance and choice.

I am completely unsure of what my future may hold. Perhaps a husband and a family, perhaps some incredible career, fame, fortune, or maybe more death, perhaps poor financial means, but maybe true love. Whatever may come, I have hope for the future. And regardless of circumstance, I pray that I choose to view every situation in a positive light, with great expectations of what is yet to come. For no matter how dismal a day may be, there is something to be learned; there is way to grow and become a better version of me.

A Lesson Learned

2009-06-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

It's interesting the things you learn as you grow older. For example, when I was a child, I was always taught that attitude is everything. As I got older and started school, I was told that no matter what, I had to be smart because being pretty was not only an subjective thing but also a fleeting one. I was taught many ideas and concepts such as these, but the one about always being smart played a significant role in my self perception the older I got. I began to define myself by my accomplishments in school, and after school, I defined myself by my job. This is dangerous territory upon which to tread for in doing so, I set myself up for failure. There will always be someone more interesting than me, funnier than me, thinner than me, prettier than me, and God forbid someone smarter than me. Essentially, I gave myself unattainable goals which did nothing but tear away at my self worth.
Then I married someone who simply compounded the idea that I was of very little value and that I had little to no intellectual insight, which was a major blow to my ego. In a search for significance, I became terribly depressed because I could never reach the lofty goals set before me.
Years passed, and I remained in this tempestuous state of self doubt, bitterness, depression, and self loathing. I was unable to find solid ground anywhere regardless of how intensely I sought exactly that. There was no stability. There was no significance. I was no one.
After a fair amount of counseling though, I learned a valuable lesson: I am defined by God and the person He made me to be. In the end, nothing else really matters. Upon learning this, I realized that I had missed the point of what God had been trying to teach me. In my despair and constant internal battle and really my own selfishness, I had missed out on the people and their significance. I thought I had to be the smartest person at my job. I thought I couldn't make any mistakes. I thought because I didn't have some big, powerful, important job, that I wasn't important. What I know now though is that I am important, and I do have a powerful job. I am required to love people as they are regardless of circumstance. That is an incredibly important task, and I pray that I am able to rise to the occasion.

Friday Night

2009-06-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone. As I sit here, I'm thinking about the word "divorcee". Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that calling myself that would be a joyous experience, but truly, I cannot wait until the day I can officially title myself as such.
I'm shuffling through papers, figuring out numbers, and overall just sorting through my thoughts. I am more than ready for this mess to be finished once and for all. It is exhausting to say the least, and at this point, really just ridiculous. More than anything, I want the freedom to move on with my life.
Ahh...the sweet thought of freedom. The idea alone is like a warm rush all over my body. It's an exhilarating notion, and I cannot wait for the day that it is within my reach. I can nearly see it, but it is in the distance still. A bit longer, and I shall taste the sweetness of it. Come quickly as my patience is waning.

Inside My Head

2009-06-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

This battle continues to wage inside my head; day in, day out. It seems that weekly something occurs to perpetuate this war. There is no cease fire. There is no retreat. It is constant, and some days, I am so weary and war torn that I think I cannot take another breath. Yet somehow, I survive. I perhaps am disheveled and hanging by a thread at times, but I manage to keep trudging through the mire. Yet all I seek is peace—a place of respite. I am tired. I am ragged. I am in need of quiet restoration.

What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.

The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.

I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.

Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.

Things I hate...well, maybe not "hate", but I at least strongly dislike...

2009-05-12T19:40:00.001-07:00

1. Red and yellow bell peppers...but I am quite fond of the green ones
2. Cankles...I hope to never have them
3. Foods that jiggle...although I am strangely fascinated by them too
3. Mushrooms...they just feel funny
4. Spam...'nuf said
5. Boys in skinny jeans...it's just not okay, and I'm certain it could impair procreation
6. Rude people...does this really require an explanation?
7. Yellow soft drinks...I don't have an explanation. I just think they're vile.
8. Doughnuts...ew, ew, ew. fat, gross and = jiggly butt. no thank you
9. People who spell doughnuts as "donuts"...I have issues with poor spelling skills
10. Boys who tell me that I'm interesting...that's really another whole blog posting...maybe later
11. People who feel the need to tell me how artsy/cool/free spirited/hard core/etc they are...let your game speak for itself sucka
12. Cheap paper products...once you go Viva anything else is uncivilized

That's all I can think of currently, but I'm sure to add more.

Maybe margaritas and lonely hearts aren't the best combination...

2009-05-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

As I was driving home tonight, I begin to realize that there is a deep yearning within my heart to have a husband...or at least a significant other. Why? Well because I want to matter to someone. I want to be more than a pretty face or a silly giggle. I want someone to know me fully and love me in spite of some parts of me and for others. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
Now I know that I must first be okay with who I am and be content with God alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean that I do not still have this insatiable desire to be loved. Like anyone, I must patiently bide my time. Some days my heart is simply heavier than others. Today is one of those days.
I drove home sort of in a trance...granted that is partially due to a margarita and a half coupled with my poor drinking skills, but that aside, I just kept thinking and wondering if I will ever be more than just another girl to anyone. I have no answer to that question. I can hope and dream, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, and my heart is tended to by my God only. That is enough, but there is still an emptiness...a yearning to be significant to someone.
Today is not my day for that. Perhaps someday will come...

Raw

2009-04-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

It isn't so often that I am real and transparent. This truth is rather ironic given that I push everyone else to be completely real with me, yet in reality, I create versions of myself to suit any given situation. I become who I think I should be in order to please whomever I may be around or to get attention or to gain acceptance. No wonder guys think I'm a silly little girl whom they can toss to the side when they're done without a care in the world. Upon first impression, to someone with little insight and understanding, I portray myself that way-a silly, pretty little play thing who's bubbly and light hearted. I get paid to be that girl too. I sell that character when I bartend. People love to talk to that girl who's feisty and sassy, a bit flirty, and seemingly quite flighty. She's not real though. I made her up. Essentially she's an alter-ego.

The real me is jaded and cynical, rather harsh, very no nonsense, kind of a bitch really, hardened to the world around me, deep, pensive, complicated, and a terrible mess. I drink. I smoke cloves and cigars on occasion. I have horrible language. I have most certainly messed around with guys. I do not come in a dainty, pretty package with some pristine tale to tell. My life is not perfect by any means. I have made many mistakes and will continue to make more. I do not regret any of these aberrations. I accept them for what they are. I know that they do not define WHO I am, but they simply are things I've done.

I look at my love of fashion, and when I seek a deeper meaning behind that affinity, I wonder if perhaps it is because I can use it to mask who I am, or I can dress up who I am and play a part. Perhaps it isn't simply a love and appreciation for the art of design. Perhaps it is just another veil to hide behind.

I used to not be this person. I knew who I was, what I believed, and what I stood for. I had no misgivings about my thoughts and ideas. I accepted myself, a beautiful mess, wholly instead of piece meal as I do now. As it stands, I'd like to compartmentalize some of me so no one knows the "bad" things, but that's truly a travesty to with hold from humanity a raw truth that could potentially relate to someone else and bring light and hope to a darkened world.

My life, though not perfect, has not been terribly arduous. The things I have gone through pale in comparison to many people in this world. However, they have affected me, and surely there are others like myself who have the same questions and sentiments and have had similar life experiences. I was told I need to tell my story. In order to do so, I will have to get dirty and simply hope for a forgiving audience.

Cataracts

2009-04-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

Cataracts fill the eyes and distort vision, eventually making it impossible to see. As I sit here thinking, it is as though my eyes are beginning to get cataracts. Not in the literal sense of course, but in a manner such as this:

I have lost my inspiration. My creativity is waning. My life has lost its direction.

I have become rather complacent with where I am. My life is relatively easy. There are few challenges, and my daily routine is mundane. Life. Is. Stagnant.

For a short bit, I was all right with this because it was safe, and for so long, I felt like my life was a roller coaster. I needed some stability. Now though, I need the tides to turn. I need an escape from the ordinary.

Fortunately, it is early on in the disease. I can stop it. The damage is not yet irreparable. How to fix it? I need to find inspiration and allow myself time to have an outlet for the creativity that fills my mind. I am certain that a fair amount of this inspiration will come from living my life in the world instead of behind a bar. I need and want to experience people and places of all sorts. I then want to write about these experiences, paint them, and draw them. I need to breathe life into myself and clear away that which is blocking my vision. I need to see clearly.

All hail, the Once and Future King

2009-04-05T10:18:00.001-07:00

Today is Palm Sunday. I went to Trinity today for the first time in quite a while. I am so grateful that I went back though. I realized some things today...

Lately I have been a bit out of sorts and have, unknowingly to myself, been trying to do everything on my own...again. It seems that I have a habit of doing this. I'm very independent and am generally quite content to do things myself, but then, like anyone, I get very lonely and realize that I have essentially cut myself off from the world. In the process of doing this, I have ultimately cut Christ out of my life.

This morning the sermon was about Mark 11:1-11...when Jesus basically commandeers a donkey (or a colt depending on the translation) and rides into Bethany. The pastor this morning took this passage in a new direction from that which I've heard in the past. Today he spoke about how this passage speaks of Christ as a king. Historically, monarchs retained the right to commandeer anything from anyone within their realm of ruling. As a king, Jesus had every right to that donkey. He need not ask permission to take the animal or to make prior arrangements to borrow it; he simply had to say he was taking it, and it was done. Also, the Jews removed their outer garments and laid them in the street, much like rolling out the red carpet for celebrities today. In this time period though, this ritual was equivalent to laying down one's own life for the king or queen whom tread upon the clothing. The Jews were not intimate enough with Jesus to know him as a great teacher or as the Messiah upon whom they waited. They did this though because they hailed him as a king.

The point of this sermon is that so often in our lives, we accept Jesus as our Savior, but we do not allow him to be King of our lives. We attempt to withhold parts of our lives from him, when in fact, as king, he has every right to commandeer any part he chooses at his leisure.

I sat thinking to myself today about how I have withheld so much of my life. I am always holding back my heart, not allowing him to rule over me as I should. I sit and wonder why I am alone. Well I am alone because I try to do things my way. I am somewhat content, but truly I am in need. My life is empty and seems mundane because I have not given God what is rightly His in the first place.

Hence forth, all hail the Once and Future King. The King that was, and is, and is to come.

One Love

2009-04-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am somewhat perplexed by life, and more specifically by love. If one has much love to give, why is that no one seems to want it? Or perhaps a few people think they want it, but in reality, those people are not in fact the true love of the other person. Why is it that so many seem so fascinated by me right off, only to turn and walk away as soon as the shiny newness wears off? How is it that I am so easily dropped? The people who think they want me...well, they don't really want me. I seem to always be the cool, kind of unique girl who peaks interest for a brief moment, but just doesn't quite fit the mold. Why is the "mold" the status quo? What's wrong with slightly different?
Ugh, this is not some profound entry at all. Much more so it is simply me whining. Why? Because I'm tired of these lame guys playing me for a fool. It is better to be alone than to simply be toyed with time and again.
This much I know...
I have an immense capacity to love someone, the right someone, and I am waiting to give that person all I have. I do so very much wish all of these wrong someones would go and waste someone else's time though. Life is short, and I certainly don't have time to waste with these ridiculous people. I have time for the one love...wherever he may be.

The Past and the Present

2009-04-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Recently due to unfortunate circumstances surrounding my best friend and her family, I have been reminded of my own past. You see my friend's father had to undergo major surgery and the outlook initially was bleak. As I stand by my friend through this stressful affair, my mind wanders back over memories so vivid they seem as though they happened only yesterday...

I remember the cold, sterile hallways, the beeping machines, the click of the life support machine as my dad's chest would rise and fall. I can still smell the scent of the cleaning supplies and feel the scratchy sheets between my fingertips. I can hear my dad trying to tell me he loved me through strained gasps of air. I can feel the tightness of his skin, stretched out over his body bloated with fluids and ridden with cancer. I can see his deep brown eyes rolling back in his head as he took his last breath. This place is where my mind goes during times such as these.

I was young when he passed away, only fourteen. Most girls at that age are just getting interested in boys, makeup, and "Seventeen" magazine. Not me. I was more interested in getting straight A's in school and building up walls around my heart so no one could see the fear and hurt I felt. I was determined to be strong and to never let anyone see me crumble. Not once in the nine months that my dad was in and out of hospitals from Baptist to Duke did I let my friends see me cry. Just like Smokey Robinson said, "My smile [was] my makeup".

That was then...

Now however, I'm working on breaking down those walls. I see how jaded and cynical I have become at a young age due to various events in my life. I'm twenty-eight now, twice the age I was when my dad died. Certainly I am old enough to let go of the past and move into the here and now. I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. I most definitely do not regret watching my dad die. I am grateful to have seen his face as he was leaving this world. I do not even regret that I have had a failed marriage. I believe that these circumstances serve to build character and are but small things when I look at the possibilities the future may hold. To allow my past to dictate my present, and God forbid my future, would be a travesty. And so for these things I am grateful, and I shall take them, learn from them, and move forward in freedom.

Beliefs, Ideals, and such...

2009-03-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

are entities that are entirely personal I have learned. Perhaps some people may somewhat share a similar belief system or perspective or world view, but essentially, those core thoughts and values belong solely to the individual.
I realize as I'm writing this that my thoughts here may seem rather disconnected. I am however only setting the stage for the real issue at hand. That issue is this: the need felt by people to impose their beliefs/ideals/expectations on another. I have noticed that lately, I feel strongly compelled to have other people do what I believe is the right thing in any given number of situations. The problem with that though is that really, it's more of a control issue, and in no way is it fair for me to try to force my beliefs on anyone else regardless of the circumstances. God was gracious enough to give us all free will. Who am I to try to take that away from someone else by trying to impose my beliefs on him or her? What right do I have to do that?

There it is...plain and simple. I suppose I need to back off a bit and let people be who they may be.

No denying it...a mess

2009-02-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

I so often am very level headed, clear, and logical. And then out of nowhere, I find my heart is broken and I fall apart into tears...even if only for a moment. I am not a crier by any means. I think it is synonymous with weakness, which is something that I've always feared showing. I have always felt as though no matter what, I have to be the strong one, the one who keeps her cool and never falls apart. When I break down, it is only under the most immense pressure, generally that which has been building up for quite some time.
But I'm finding myself feeling so very alone as of late. I thought I was free, but I seem to allow myself to be bound by this wretched feeling. I suppose I could have friends, but I think that they would be only superficial and not so much real and quality friends as I would desire. My best friends live far away or are very busy with their own hectic lives. I do not fault anyone for this. It simply is life. All of that to say, I so very much want someone in my life who is truly always there for me. Who will laugh with me, cry with me, be quiet with me, etc. To be honest though, I am not certain at all that this person exists. Every time I think perhaps I've finally found that person, it ends the same, and I am nothing more than just some girl...some meaningless fancy they may have had for a short time. I'd rather have no one around though than to deal with that again. I'm tired of being tossed aside every time as though I have no real importance and as though I am easily replaced. I am also growing increasingly tired of being told by these people that they want to treat me differently than everyone else ever has. Every time I hear that, I think I should just run in the future because every time that is said, it turns out that they all treat me the same. No one is ever different. Not one.

That being said, to reference an older post, I still want someone to open the pickle jar for me, but I just don't think he's out there. He may be, but I have serious reservations about that thought. And I will be more than hesitant about laying my heart on the line again. That much I know to be true.

Oh boy...

2009-01-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I just read my own blog entries...

I answered my own thoughts. Really, I am a fool. No need to resolve myself to forever being alone. I know that one day God will bless me, take care of me, and send someone to guard over me. I also know that He made strong enough to endure these battles and fight the good fight. I have come through many wild storms not unscathed but better and stronger. This I can also manage. However, I am now recognizing where I lose the battle...by succumbing to the pressure and allowing my heart to turn to stone. That is where the battle must next be waged. I have to find the strength to rise up above those evil thoughts and win. I don't like losing, so win I shall. This too has already been conquered for me. I MUST let it go and move forward in the comfort of God's sovereignty.

As for moving...

I already wrote that I am seeking the road not taken...and two roads converged in a wood...

Greenville maybe, or NC. I have choices to make.

Disconcerted

2009-01-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

I'm laying here in my bed just sort of sifting through my thoughts, unable to concretely identify many of them. So much seems so ambiguous. Often I'm not entirely sure of what it is exactly that I'm thinking or feeling. And so yes, I am disconcerted...upended...unsure...unsteady.

Here's the first thing that has me in such a state:

I wonder, am I destined to simply only ever be "just another girl"? I hate being that girl. It's horrible, painful, and depressing, yet EVERY time, that's all that I am. No matter how many guys tell me they want to be different, they're all just the same. They all come along and act like they're something special and they want to treat me right, but it's never true. Every time I end up hurt, sad, and alone. The guy walks off scott-free. I'm the fool who believed him though. Every. Last. Time.

So will I ever be more than that? Will someone amazing ever choose to love me for me through thick and thin? Right now I have my doubts and am starting to reconcile myself to that idea...that I am me, and I will be alone forever. This is seemingly a dismal forecast I suppose, but indeed, that is the way I see it. I'm not sure how to change that perspective.

The other thing I'm pondering is my decision to move back to NC...or maybe to SC. At any rate, I would be leaving the safety and security of my life here. I know a LOT of people. I have 2 jobs where people love me, and I'm really good at what I do. I can't help but think though that I need to get out of my comfort zone and start over new somewhere else. I cannot simply maintain this life forever. It is empty and unfulfilling. It is the same every day, and I want more. I fear leaving this safety zone though. I know it well, and it is comfortable. I believe to grow though that I need to be pushed.

Then I remember that I am forever alone...and that fear turns to steely determination hidden with a heart that is hardening. This is where I am...

Shockingly enough, I'm confused

2009-01-13T19:20:00.001-08:00

My head is full of many thoughts, feelings, and questions. Really, I am so unsure of what exactly I should do next. I have so many questions about jobs, friends, guys, my current geographical location. I really could use some direction right now. I'm simply not sure of what to do. I know what I want, but presently, the things I want seem unattainable. I certainly do not want to give up though. I don't want to say I'm a quitter, especially just because something may seem difficult. Where there's a will, there's a way correct? I have the will. I need to find God's way though. That is always my problem. Looking at everyone else's life, it's very easy to see a clear cut path, but when I reflect on my own, the compass is spinning out of control. There is no due north in my life at the moment, but I would love to find it. I have a guide, but I feel as though I cannot hear him speak or direct me. How do I know for sure what I should do?

Sorting, Sifting, Trying to figure it out...

2009-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

I cannot for the life of me figure out some of the thoughts that swirl in my head. I do not have a clear direction of which path to take on so many issues. I know that of course I take the right path...I mean, I do the right thing and follow God, but sometimes, I'm not entirely sure of what that is. Again I'm reminded of the Robert Frost poem "The Road Not Taken" and again I am wondering and seeking out that road...that unworn, untrod path through the wood that perhaps may take me through ravines and gulleys, over hills and mountains, and through seemingly endless plains. I am seeking that path which God would have me choose. But how, oh how, do I know which one it is? And yet another question, what to do when I cannot seem to even see any clear choices, everything is just a blur, whizzing about inside my mind?

Truly I want to please God, and I think that by doing so, I will find the peace that I so desperately yearn for. I just need that wisdom and discernment I have been asking for. I also need a gentle spirit and a teachable heart.

God,
Make me the person you want me to be. Wash away my past and make me clean, whole, and new again. I do not want to live under the umbrella of shame and guilt that my past carries with it. Set me free, and show me your way.

My Mountain

2009-01-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

There is a sermon that a pastor named Steven Furtick delivers in regards to finding one's "mountain" in life and chasing after it and even conquering it. This mountain to which he is referring is something similar to God's mission for one's life I think. At least that's the way I see it.
For a long time, I had no idea what exactly my mountain may be, but as time passes by, I'm thinking that I know now what it is. I am not certain, because perhaps it is simply something I desire, but there is a distinct possibility that in fact it is what God has laid in front of me, and I simply have to be patient and wait and prepare for tomorrow.
So the question is, how do I know specifically what my mountain is? How do I know for sure what God's plan is for me? How do I discern the difference between the desires of my flesh and the desires God has placed within my heart?
I see this mountain clearly, and I want to take it by storm...but is it the right mountain, or is there one yet further on in the distance?

Simple things...

2009-01-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about how I like things to be simple and generally I like them to be rather sensible. I like order and reason. I want things to have some sort of continuous flow that makes sense and is logical. I like the news and politics. I love art, but I also like business and understanding the mechanics of how things work and all those sorts of things. I want things to line up.

Then, WHAM! Matters of the heart come into play and shake everything up and nothing makes sense anymore. I do not know how to make sense of the heart and all that dwells within it. Such a lovely, tender vessel...small and unobtrusive, yet so full and terribly complicated. So many different thoughts and feelings are locked away withing that tiny sepulcher that just do not seem to fit into any sort of mold at all. The heart, relationships, and love are not simple things. They are quite the opposite. And despite my given nature to be rather astute and orderly and prone to follow logic and reason, I would love to leap off a cliff and really fall for someone and know he would catch me. I don't know if that person is out there, but I'm hoping. That risk, as terrifying as it sounds, also seems wonderful.

Until that point in time makes itself known quite clearly though, I will simply wait and be quiet and diligent, biding my time, seeking wisdom and peace, trying to honor the Lord in all I do. What more is there?

Finding Zero

2009-01-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

I tend to think I'm fairly level headed...pretty rational, though some may say I have a bit of a flair for the dramatics. So I like to...enhance my stories sometimes, whatever. Overall though, I feel like I'm relatively grounded. Sometimes though, I just can't find my way back to zero. I feel the pressure of many different weights in my life bearing down, and for the life of me, I cannot seem to sort it all out and reach a sort of calm in the midst of the storm.

Currently though, God has blessed me with a dear friend in my life who possesses a great talent of always being able to bring back down to the ground floor and making everything make sense. He's wonderful really and so fantastic when it comes to making me see things through a clear filter...showing me reality and not "Alexis Vision." I don't even think he knows he does it, and yet after I talk to him, suddenly it seems as though the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and even if just for a brief moment, I can walk and be free. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful friend.

The problem arises though when this friend becomes the source of confusion and suddenly, I cannot find zero again. What to do then? And as I'm writing this, I swear it's hitting me...am I really leaning on him to be my solid rock when in fact it should be God on whom I lean and in whom I trust? Is that the center of this confusion? Is that actually the problem here? Have I found myself too immersed in him and not enough in God? For God is where my true zero lies. That is where I can truly find peace that passes all understanding. In Him shall I trust.

What does it take?

2008-12-27T21:25:00.000-08:00

I was driving today and began thinking and started to wonder, "what does it take to be the sort of woman after whom a man of greatness desires to chase? How do you become that woman for whom that man will gladly lay down his life? What defines that woman whom that man will protect, cherish, honor, respect, hold dear, and love with wreckless abandon?"

So, what does it take? Well, I came to the conclusion that in order to receive the kind of love that I desire, I must be wiling to first give it. I cannot allow myself to be guarded and hide behind my fears. Granted, there is much to be said for wisdom and moving forth with prayerful consideration, but I think there is also much to be said for having some a bit of nerve and not being afraid to sort of jump off a cliff and let go of all ration and reason and just go for it. If I want someone who can tell me that he needs me in his life or that he wants me to come somewhere or to do something, then I need to grant him the same courtesy. No more of these silly guessing games I say. Let's just be honest yeah?

You know, this note doesn't have to be long. It's simple really. I initially wasn't even sure that I was a woman who could be worthy of having a man chase after me or truly love me, etc.,but I know someone will someday, and that someone will love me as I am for who I am, and all those things I so very much desire will be second nature to him. I am waiting for him to make his move. Until then, I am simply carrying on with my life.

Sorting it out...

2008-12-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

Psalm 121:1,2 has, for a long time, been one of my favorite passages in the Bible. There is also a song written from the song that is really beautiful. The lyrics to the song are this:

I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth
I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord
You are my only hope
You’re my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

Granted, the verse is the actual Scripture a bit reworded, but overall, how beautiful are these words? How peaceful? I know the chorus isn't actually Scripture, BUT, I so love it. These words I hold close to my heart right now. They are a life source when the flood waters are beginning to run deep. I must choose to hinge my hope in the power, grace, mercy, and strength of my God. I am seeking His wisdom in the midst of trouble. I will look to his words for comfort.

Ps 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry. He lifted my up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. He set my feet upon the rock and my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to the Lord. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

So, how am I sorting it out? Well, I'm not exactly. I have to remember that God is, and that I can't...as much as I want to, it's just not within my realm of power. The hurt, the pain, the fear, the same...it all belongs to Him, not to me.

Uncertainity

2008-12-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

I realize that everyone deals with the issue of uncertainty, whether it be in relationships, jobs, the future, or whatever else. I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn't give me much comfort to be honest. I don't know if it's a matter of fear of the unknown or a lack of control that bothers me so much. Either way, I could nearly drive myself crazy thinking about all the things in my life that are a bit, well, uncertain.

First of all, there is the question of what to do with my life. I have this second chance now, and I'm just not quite sure I should do with it. I don't know if I should stay in Atlanta, or perhaps I should take a dive and move somewhere else and start a brand new life with a fresh change of scenery. I'm leaning toward the latter option. The problem there is the fear of moving and not having a job yet, which I just don't think I can manage to do that. Also, I know a few people in Charlotte, the city of choice, but not a ton. Starting over with friends is hard. My family is there which is a definite perk, but there are problems there too. Those problems bring up issues and hurts from my past, and I fear that I may get sucked into that mess again, which cannot happen.

If I stay here though, what am I staying for? I have 2 jobs here, and I know a lot of people. I like my church. And, that's it. I'm not living a real life though. Not the life I want. Will moving change that? Maybe.

Then I overanalyze relationships too. I can't just sit back and let things naturally unfold. I want to know, and I want to know now. How obnoxious is that? I mean really, that's just annoying.

So, I need God very badly to give me clear direction. I need a mountain to conquer. I need some peace and some clarity. I am seeking it with all of my heart. I want to succeed. I do not want to be left simply wandering through life. I want and I need a purpose.

The New Deal...and no I'm not talking about FDR

2008-12-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

Now in the past, I have written quite a bit about my recent past and how it has affected me, etc. Someone gave me some excellent advice today though. A friend told me, "Forget every word he has ever said to you...forget it. It has NO affect on you. He has no power over you. You are FREE. There is a new beginning for you free from all the bull."

You know what? Said friend is right. So, here's the New Deal...I'm moving forward, and not looking back. That's right. My past has no hold on me. Not anymore. I'm over it and done. I'm going to prayerfully make decisions instead of allowing my past to dictate the way I live my future. God is first in command here, and I will follow him.

There are things that I hope for in life. Until God's plan for me unfolds though I will patiently wait and diligently work and do my share and OBEY my God. So, from here on out, this blog will be written in the here and now, not in bleak past, but in the bright present and future. God has cleared a path for me, and I am choosing to take it, wherever it may lead.

Chic Flicks and Reality

2008-11-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

I just watched The Holiday. Yeah, that movie with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. It is no doubt a chic flick. To my own surprise, I actually own this movie. I think it fits somewhere in between Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and American Psycho. Anyway, I had a distinct purpose in watching it. I am trying to convince myself that in fact, that kind of love...chic flick love, can indeed occur in real life.
I started with that movie. I didn't think I was quite ready for The Notebook just yet. See, I'm a cynic. Recently that cold, hard shell has been melting away, but some things happened over Thanksgiving that put those walls right back up. I'm trying to peel them back down again. I have a dear friend who is helping to do that. He's really quite convincing that in fact people, real people not movie characters, do actually love other people with wreckless abandon and passion, and that this love those people share is truly unconditional, that they respect each other, and honor, cherish, protect, uplift, and adore each other as well. I find it hard to believe. He's instilling some hope in me yet though and chipping away at the walls guarding my heart every time he tries to convince me that it's true. He's so sure of it, so positive that this is in fact reality. It's terribly difficult for me to understand. His zeal and certainty are such compelling arguments though. How can I not at least try to believe?

The Road Less Traveled

2008-11-23T18:11:00.000-08:00

I so very often speak of choosing the road less taken...a reference to the poem by Robert Frost. What I mean by it is that I want to take the high road. I want to choose to be great, because being great is in fact a choice. I hope to be someone that other people view as a woman of virtue, who chooses Christ every time. I pray that when I come under attack, I will react in love and compassion. I hope to see people the way Christ sees them and in doing so understand why they do the things they do. I want to be someone people trust and respect. I want to choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. I want to emulate Christ in all that I say and do. I want my attitude to reflect the joy that Christ has given me.

So, should I find myself standing in a yellow wood, I hope to take the path that is grassy and wanting wear.

Perspective

2008-11-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

I read an interesting article on Foxnews today. The article was a comparison of the value of the US dollar to other foreign currencies, in fact, not just any other foreign currencies, but the 10 worst currencies in the world. By worst, I mean that these other monetary units have the lowest value in the world. Now this comparison was intended to sort of assuage America's self pity during this difficult financial time, but with me, it had quite the opposite effect. You see, Zimbabwe is the poorest country in the world. One single American dollar is worth 642,371,437,695,221,000 Zimbabwean dollars.

Don't believe me? Read it for yourselves... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,453526,00.html

After reading that and having to sit there and use my finger to count the commas separating all those numbers so I could figure out how to verbally say that huge number aloud, I was stunned. I mean really, I could not, and really still cannot, wrap my mind around what it must be like in Zimbabwe. I mean, here I sit in my cozy queen size bed complete with feather bed, super soft blanket, down comforter, and let's not forget the 600 thread count sheets; yet, a plane ride away, people can't even afford an egg. Read the article! It's astounding.

This afternoon I received a text message from a friend asking if I had a good day. I gave an immediate response saying that my day wasn't bad at all. Then I started thinking about my day, really thinking about it. You want to know the worst part of my day? My i-pod broke. Right, my 80G i-pod that currently has 5000 songs a few seasons of some TV shows, and a few podcasts is now kaput. Wow. That's it. Well, that, and I burned my hand on a flat iron. I'm really crashing and burning huh? Please note the sarcasm there.

In reality, my day was awesome. I was clothed, and not only did I wear clothes, but they were clean, fit correctly, even wore designer jeans, and I had a multitude of options as to what I wanted to wear this morning when I went to my closet. Next up, I have a car to drive to work which also means I have a job which implies that I make money which allows me to buy 3 meals a day (more should I so desire to explore the great American trends of gluttony and greed). I could keep going, but I'm pretty sure that by this point, you all somewhat understand what it is that I'm driving at here.

Thank God that I have all of these wonderful things. I should find it terribly difficult to complain.

A Little About Me...

2008-11-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

So, last night I was talking to a friend of mine-someone whom I respect very much and care about quite a bit as well. An incident occurred at which point I felt the need to apologize...about seventy million times. Well, that's exaggerated a bit...it was more like 4 times in reality. My friend was a bit irritated with my incessant and unnecessary apologizing. I explained that I truly was sorry though, and it's part of being a people pleaser...never want to upset anyone. Then I said that this particular isn't always the easiest to talk to because it seems as though he or she might get annoyed easily and I don't ever want to be the cause of that annoyance. Now really, where was the voice of reason here to slap me around and tell me to shut up? Man, I wish you could buy something like that at Target...you know, aisle 5 for a swift kick in the pants. That would be handy.

Anyway, back to the real point here...

I started thinking this morning about that whole ordeal. You know, my friend was correct when he said "I'm pretty sure I never just get mad at you." Correct. In fact, this friend has never been anything but incredibly nice to me, patient, kind, caring, fun, and sweet even. Way to go me for blame shifting huh? Nice, really nice.

So, I started to really look within myself and see why I would react that way...the apologizing, the whole deal. Here's the thing, first of all, I need to shut up more often. Seriously. I just need to lock it up. I also need to realize that this people pleasing thing I've got going on isn't so awesome sometimes. It can actually be a downfall. I need to quit apologizing for things I didn't do or over which I have no control.

Now why did I just assert some of the responsibility on my friend? Well, because sometimes I'm an idiot. See, "the ex" had a way of imposing his expectations on other people. He also was rather terse and easily angered. I suppose I've been a bit conditioned to constantly apologize. Now I'm shifting blame again I realize. Give me a minute though. Another thing that occurred with great regularity was that I was constantly wrong, told I was a silly little girl, that I had pipe dreams, that I wasn't very wise, and basically made to feel like a worthless fool with little intellectual capacity. Now I'll take blame. I know that all of that is untrue. I didn't for a long time. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Now that I understand the reality of the situation though, it's time I own up to the repercussions of believing that crap too. Is this making any sense? Seriously, someone weigh in here.

I guess all that to say, I am sorry, but not sorry for the initial issue last night. Sorry for being an idiot and succumbing to lies from my past and reacting to my friend as though he were anything like "the ex" when in fact he's nothing like that. He's WAY better, in every way imaginable.

Drowning

2008-11-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine is drowning. Not in the literal sense, but she is drowning in her own fear, anguish, sorrow, damaged self esteem, and in a pool of alcohol used to try to cover it all up and make it go away.

I'm standing on the outskirts of all of this, watching and waiting, knowing that soon enough, I will need to be there to help pull her from the waves and drag her to shore. I was a lifeguard for years. I learned to rescue all different types of drowning victims. I am waiting on this friend to become a passive victim. I hope that she will stop fighting and give in and allow God to save her. I will fight with her for as long as it takes, but I too grow weary.

Lord, please, make her passive. Take her down, knock her out, whatever it takes to get her to the point at which she has no option but to choose you...to choose life, and to choose love. Give me the endurance to withstand this fight. I cannot, and I will not walk away. Not now, not ever. Her heart and her life is yours. She is worth the arduous battle. I know you have plans for her...great plans, for you have promised that. I know too, that if she were not achieving for you an eternal glory, Satan would not hold onto her with such ferocious tenacity. Make your greatness known Lord. Destroy this stronghold. Free her from her pain. Breathe into her new life. Give her love...the redeeming love that only YOU can offer. God, do this. I beg of you.

Times are changing...

2008-11-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

So, this Saturday my mom is getting married. Wow. If anyone reading this knows me, then you probably also know that my mom has, up until now, been a widow for over 14 years. This whole business of her getting married is HUGE.

Since I found out she got engaged, I have experienced a great range of emotions--from complete shock, to being overjoyed, to feeling very displaced and insignificant, to feeling fear, then back to being very happy for her, immediately loving her fiancee, and striving to fill the role of the cool big sister to my new little brother. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the last few months. I have been exhausted physically and emotionally. I have sought after my place and my purpose in this world. I have worked so hard to gain an understanding of who it is precisely that I am supposed to be, and I have battled with thoughts of not ever being good enough to obtain a love like that which my mom found after patiently waiting over 14 years after my dad was torn from her life for no apparent reason.

In short, you should all be up to speed at this point on what my life has looked like most recently. The last point, regarding my battle to realize that I do in fact deserve that holy type of love, is the most recent. In fact, just as recently as last night a war was waging in my head over this issue.

I see my life as a one with a few pretty rough spots. I realize that what I may think of as difficult is all relative in the grand scheme of things, but some of the things I experienced had quite an impact on my self image. This has impeded my relationship with Christ in the past, but I think that now it only serves to strengthen that relationship as I have learned that only He can wholly love me and see me as blameless and pure. He is the only one who can fill the loneliness and emptiness left by years of anguish and self doubt.

Now, as I lay here on my bed typing this, I am at a new place yet again. I believe that I am worth the cost. I have value past filling some physical desire for a man, past my deeds, past my appearance. I am at peace with who I am. At last. Take it or leave it. I am me.

VOTE!!!

2008-11-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

Do your civic duty. Be responsible. VOTE! And for heaven's sake, please vote for a candidate who actually has a shot at winning. :)

Elevate

2008-11-03T04:08:00.000-08:00

Our country is headed for a drastic change. We face a great amount of adversity, particularly as Christians. It appears that our faith is going to be greatly challenged and that we shall be persecuted for it. So, as men and women of the church, it is our duty and our privilege to stand up fight for what is right, to speak the truth, and to be mavericks in this society--choosing greatness, choosing to do what is right because it's right, and to be unapologetic about the word of our God. Our faith may at times be offensive, and we cannot sugar coat reality for fear of hurting someone's feelings. There is right, and there is wrong. As Christians, we need to take a stand and tenaciously hold fast to the truth of our God.

We need great men to become the warriors God has created them to be. We need them to stand firm and go into battle, for they are already more than conquerors. Lead the way and take a stand for all that is holy and righteous. Do not be afraid.

As women, it is our responsibility to elevate these men and instill in them a sense of confidence that they can in fact do all things through Christ who strengthens them. It is our job to respect them so as not to immasculate them. They need to be lifted up in prayer and strengthened by words of affirmation. This fight is arduous, and these great men will need refuge and comfort, and in our words and support they should readily find it. Never should they feel as though they are alone in this battle. They constantly need to be encouraged and lifted up on wings like eagles. The cause is serious, and the women of the church need to rise up and fight for this necessary change. Do not be afraid. Pray for endurance, wisdom, and discernment. Choose to be great. Choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. Pursue righteousness, and defend all that is good and holy. Join with me in elevating these men to send them out into the world in the armor of God.

Who am I?

2008-10-30T16:03:00.001-07:00

I realize that this is a very cliche subject, but it's something that has been at the forefront of my mind as of late. Earlier today I listened to sermon about identity, which, oddly enough was in fact titled "Identity". Clever I know. The gist of the sermon is that as Christians, we are not defined by our actions but by who we are in Christ. Now to be perfectly honest, this concept is rather difficult for me to grasp fully just yet. See, I am a firm believer that our actions do indeed define who we are. I feel that our actions are reflections of our character. Not to say that people do not make mistakes and occasionally if not often fall off the path God has set for them, but ultimately, I believe that our actions are choices and those choices are directly related to who we are and essentially define who we are. So, with that in mind, who is it that I choose to be?

That question truly carries a lot of weight. I want to be very careful in how I answer it. Verbally labeling who I am, putting it down in a tangible form, then brings my accountability to a much higher level. So, here I sit sifting through a thousand words trying to find the perfect ones...

The first thing I want to be is a woman of great integrity. As I have said numerous times, do the right thing because it is the right thing. So often choosing to do what's right is terribly unpopular, and being a people-pleaser by nature, feeling that I may have disappointed someone is a lethal blow to my spirit. This brings up a point that I should consider with much frequency though: Why am I so worried about disappointing people, yet so unconcerned about disappointing God?

I suppose I can move to the next point now after leaving the first one with a relatively deep question. So in addition to wanting to be a woman of integrity, I also hope to be someone who is honest, loyal, considerate, consistent, respectful, and quiet. I hope to be slow to anger and slow to speak so that I am careful to choose my words wisely and take care to protect the hearts of others.

I also hope to be a woman of great wisdom. I feel like I possess a significant amount of wisdom simply because of situations I have experienced in my short life. Granted, I am only 27 (almost 28), but age aside, I feel that God has blessed me with great understanding of the way people operate and why they do what they do. With this understanding has come great compassion and also the capability to very easily forgive and forget. It's a blessing no doubt God has given me, one that I very much appreciate.

Also, I hope to be someone who emulates Christ unconditional love. I feel like if Christ's love is the compass that guides my life, all else will fall into place as it should. It seems to me that love truly encompasses all the rest of these things I have listed. If I first love Christ and then love man and my actions reflect that, it will be terribly hard to go wrong.

Have we become too tolerant?

2008-10-29T10:52:00.001-07:00

As a nation, we are crippled by people's feelings. The demand for people to be politically correct seems to be at an all time high. We all have to be tolerant and considerate of everyone for every little thing so as not to risk offending someone. I suppose I can understand all of that to a degree, although I think most people need to stop being big babies and grow up, but my real issue lays within "The Church." That's right, Christians I think are at fault here

It's one thing to love the sinner and hate the sin, but what happened to rebuking your brother in Christ? And wasn't it Paul who pointed out that sometimes our faith may be found offensive? No one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong. That's a given. On the flip side, it's not so fun to be the proverbial bad guy and point out something that a fellow believer is doing that isn't right. So, who's responsibility is it?

CHURCH LEADERS!!!

I hope and pray that for the sake of our nation, we began to raise up great men who are not afraid to unapologetically proclaim God's truth. I pray for these men that they are blessed with courage to speak clearly and the wisdom to choose their words wisely.

And yes, I say specifically MEN, not women, but MEN. I feel that it is the men's responsibility to lead, not the women's. We are to support these men of greatness. So for the women, my hope is that they will be blessed with the courage to back up these men and the endurance to withstand the fight.

A war is waging. I hope that we are prepared.

so it is...

2008-10-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a rather unusual state currently. See, I had this problem a few months ago with someone whom I cared about very much, and still do really-simply in the sense that I care about the person's well being and love the person as a friend. At any rate, this particular issue arose and turned into a disaster. Words said and things done that may or may not have been right choices. I do know that at the time, I was VERY sure of myself and quite set in my thoughts concerning the wrongs I felt had been done to me. Stepping back a couple of months later, I find myself wondering if perhaps I was too harsh, or if maybe I had no right to say anything at all. I know that at the time, I was terribly hurt and was unable to wrap my mind around the "why" of the situation. I couldn't make it make sense and it drove me crazy. Finally I was able to let go and forgive and forget any and all wrongdoing.
Now though, this person, whom I wasn't sure would ever really even by friend again, chose to come to me to apologize, after already having apologized previously. Let me just say, it's a VERY humbling experience to be on the accepting end of an unprovoked, sincere, and unwarranted apology. It's hard to find the right words to express the shock I felt at first, and then the immense wave of humility that washed over me. What an expression of love for another person--to admit you were wrong by apologizing for your actions. That means accepting culpability which most people refuse to do and instead simply shift blame to someone else. What a man of God it takes to be able to do that. So, to this friend I say, "Thank you. I appreciate your heart. I wish I could understand what brought you to that point, but it's not for me to know. Truly, it doesn't matter anyway. You simply need to know that your words, though simple and few, were much appreciated, and I'm proud of who you're becoming."

His banner over me is love, love, love

2008-10-08T21:27:00.001-07:00

So a friend of mine told me to listen to a sermon earlier tonight from Elevation Church where Steven Furtick is the pastor. The sermon was the first in a series about love and sex, the way God intended it as written in the Song of Solomon. Yeah, so you've heard it all before? Okay, well listen to it anyway. Go to www.elevationchurch.org Then go to Media, then Sermons, then Visionary Love and select #1. Not too complicated. If I can do it, anyone can.

The thing about this particular sermon is that Pastor Furtick so clearly expresses the incredible and beautiful nature of "visionary love." He defines the way a man should love a woman...becoming her shelter, shade, and protector. When I was listening, I was just sitting there thinking, "Yeah, right on man." The way God intends for a love relationship to be is amazing. I've never had that before--that encompassing, unconditional love, the kind that breathes new life into your soul and brings out all that is good within you. That is an experience I'm looking forward to in my life.

Now some may say, "You were married though Lex. Surely you had that." Yes, I was married, but it was a failed marriage, and it failed for a reason. Now do not think that I find myself blameless. I am as much at fault as he is. There was no infidelity, despite what the rumor mill may say. The problem from my perspective is that we were never really involved in a covenant marriage. We were roommates mostly. That's about it. Sometimes we were buddies. Husband and wife though--no. In this sermon, Pastor Furtick comments that it is better to be single and lonely than it is to be married and lonely. I would have to say that I agree. For my time being married was the loneliest, saddest time of my life. I sank down into a deep depression and allowed myself to become bitter, jaded, cynical, intolerant, impatient, unkind, merciless, and just plain mean. Never did I feel protected, cared for, sheltered, appreciated, important, beautiful, smart, or loved. I felt as though I was a convenience and a means; a way to perhaps achieve a pipe dream. I was only as good as the means I could provide. My worth was in my works and deeds not in what lay within my soul.

Listening to this message though, I am again encouraged. I see a hope for a bright future. My soul is filled with joy at the thought of a man loving me in such a way. I look forward to the day I can encourage and care for a man such as this: one who is kind and gentle, brilliant and patient, understanding and merciful, forgiving and gracious, wise and slow to anger, and above all these, loving, for love encompasses them all. Show me this man who does not need possess great wealth or beauty but who loves God first and me second. This is the man after my heart. This is the man upon whom all my hopes and dreams shall hang. There in his eyes the sun shall rise and set. His heart I will guard with my life. His honor and his good name shall be a prize above all else. For him, I shall wait.

Sleep eludes me so...

2008-10-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

you guys get more of my incredibly profound thoughts. You can laugh. I was kidding about the profound part.

For real though, I was thinking just now about the concept of "knowing who you are." It's sort of an anomaly I think. I mean, you go through your whole life being you, yet you aren't entirely sure who you is. How does that even happen and what can we do about it?

I know for me, growing up my family instilled a pretty high moral standard for me. There were just always certain things I knew I should or should not do. I feel like that was the beginning of who I am today. As I got older though and experienced life, I went through some stuff. My dad dying when I was only 14 was a severe blow. I mean, that's not merely a flesh wound like the guy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was cut deep. I didn't even begin to think about healing from that for years either. Instead, I hid. I ran away from life by becoming someone who possessed an impenetrable heart. No one could hurt me. Nothing mattered. I just needed to be perfect, and everything else was just dandy.

The thing about that is though...you need people to make it through life. As I was, I only pushed everyone away or kept them all at arm's length. That's just not an effective method for living. So...I decided to try to trust people...sort of. (By the way, I am guilty of a gross overuse of an ellipsis.) Anyway, I only half way trusted certain people. Then, I finally jumped off the ledge and went full force into trusting one person. It ended in a mess, and throughout my time trusting that person, I found myself falling into a deep, dark hole. I mean, I was seriously in the mire. Yet, there was God (he was there the whole time, I just didn't pay attention, which is very in character for me). At any rate, the Big Guy (can we call God the Big Lebowski or is that totally uncool?) pulled me up out of the pit, set my feet upon the rock, and made my footsteps firm. Yeah, just like Psalm 121 says he'll do. I'm glad he excels at follow through when it comes to promises because I do not.

Wow, that was all over the place. Welcome to my brain. Back to it though, now here I am. I am learning all over again about what it is to trust people. I have learned that I possess great value and worth for the kingdom of God, which is FAR more important than any worth man may put upon me. I understand now my purpose in life, which was for so long a complete and utter mystery to me. I feel like I get it now.

How did I arrive at this point? By making an awful lot of mistakes for one. Another thing too, I had to be broken. I really hit an all time low back at the beginning of the year. I thought the world was going to crash down around me. I don't know precisely what happened...I did put myself on restriction for about 10 different things which may have helped. Anyway, I don't know how it got turned around. Must have been quite simply the grace of God. I was in trouble before, and I couldn't find my footing. Nor did I have the courage to tell anyone as much. It's coming to me now though. I'm finding my way.

hmm...

2008-10-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed with this post, but I suppose I'll just see where I end up. Sometimes it seems that there are a thousand thoughts swirling in my mind, but not one of them is clear or possesses the ability to stand out from the rest. So, here I am trying to figure out what exactly is at the forefront of my mind. Writing is a great tool to do just that in my opinion.

You know, I by no means claim to be an intellectual or an artist or an eccentric, but these are things that I truly admire in other people, and there is a piece of me that hopes I fit into one of those categories in at least some small way. I don't know precisely what it is about those sorts of people that attract me so much. I think it has something to do with the generally quiet nature they exhibit, but more so, I'd have to say it's the fact that they stand out from the pack. I feel like too often people are so afraid to be different, but man, it's SO attractive when someone is bold enough to be independent, think freely, wear whatever he chooses...gosh, I don't know. I just love the courage it takes to be different.

I don't want to be like everyone else. God, I hope no one ever lumps me in the same group as "all those other girls." Truly, I hope to be different. Never do I want to be the girl who needs to be the center of attention. I don't want to have to be the pretty girl. I don't want to be the loud, obnoxious girl. I don't want to be typical. I want to be anything but. I want to relish all of my little idiosyncrasies. I hope to open my mind and think. I want to be challenged in my thoughts actually. I'd LOVE to meet someone who will sit and talk for hours about the world, politics, religion, culture, etc. I want to be pushed. I want to be forced outside of my mental comfort zone. I want to understand other people's opinions and why they do what they do.

You know, as Christians we're called to be different. It seems to me though that all too often we get caught up in being...ugh, dare I say this loathed word..."relevant." yuck. I don't even like writing that word. It's really played out. At any rate, I think it could well be a downfall for the church. I understand the concept behind wanting to be...the loathed word, BUT despite the good intentions, I think a lot of the time people forget what it means to be a Christian. We're to love people. Love the sinner hate the sin. We aren't supposed to be like them though. All the cool designer jeans in the world won't make anyone any more holy, nor will it make that person's relationship with God seem any more desirable for someone on the outside looking in.

So, my next thought is, what do I do that makes me like "everyone else"? Are the things that define me as such harmful, beneficial, irrelevant? How can I change to be more effective for the kingdom of God? What about me is too much like the world that I don't stand out anymore?

What I want and who I want to be...

2008-10-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

I have been privileged to endure a rather tumultuous time over the last year. Privileged? Yes. Privileged, and even blessed. My year has been full of ups and downs and so much hurt and so many questions. Through that however, God has brought me to a place of such great understanding. I don't dare say that I have attained complete clarity, but certainly, I have been blessed with a far more clear understanding of what is expected of me, who I want to be, and the woman God created me to be. For this, I am truly grateful. As a dear friend of mine once told me, "Ali, when you can use your baggage as your ministry, you're in a good place." I feel like I'm coming to that point, and I LOVE being able to play a role in healing the wounds of those around me by being able to love them wholly and share my perspective. Being able to relate to people and connect on a very specific level is an honor. Already I have been able to share with several of my very close friends my experiences and my heart and in doing so, God has used to me to help them through their current issues in life. So yes, I am privileged to have weathered the storm.

So now I am at a point where I am defining who I want to be and carving out my future. I choose to be someone of great compassion and understanding, seeking the wisdom of God in every decision I make. Oh I hope to be wise beyond my years, and I pray that I will be of humble spirit and mild temper. I pray for strength for I know this is not the last storm that shall pass over me. I do not desire beauty or riches. I simply hope to be a woman who emulates Christ through constant and unconditional love for people. That is my heart's desire.

What I want is someone who can challenge me to be a better person, to love better, to be smarter, to seek more wisdom, to be at peace, to rest, and to be humble. I understand that none of the gifts I have are of me in any way. I do not ever want to act as though they are. I hope and pray that I never come across as one who thinks she's better than anyone else for any reason. I hope to put all others before myself in every situation. I hope to act with great mercy, grace, and humility. I want someone who can stand beside me and act in the same way. I do not seek someone showy and loud. I seek one with a quiet and gracious spirit who simply loves people and is willing to admit his mistakes and learn from them. I want someone who chooses greatness every time and doesn't take the easy way out. I want someone who isn't afraid.

If that person cannot be found, I choose no one. I would prefer to be alone and live my life for my God as opposed to being sucked in by another who will inevitably only hurt me and distract me from all that is good in my life. Above all else, I want people to see my life and my heart and know God through my love for others. Christ's love is the banner I choose to wave.

oh yeah...

2008-10-02T04:56:00.000-07:00

so I remembered the other thing I wanted to address in the last post. Here goes...

I was telling my counselor about how I've felt so restless lately-unable to sleep, feel like I can't breathe, sort of like the walls are closing in-hence chopping off my hair. It was either that or move to NYC. Seriously, I had to do something.

Being the wise man that he is, my counselor offered up this little nugget of goodness. He kindly explained to me that in his experience a state of restlessness as described above generally is Satan making an attempt to cloud his mind and create confusion so he doesn't hear God. I sat there and went over that in my mind for a moment, and then my counselor continued with his explanation. He told me that in those times of restlessness he's found that sitting quietly for 14 days and listening for God he has found peace. Now he's not saying to sit locked in a room without making a noise for 14 days. Obviously you have to carry on with typical daily activities like work. He referenced that verse that says "Be still and know that I am God." Good call there huh? My counselor also said that often decisions made in restlessness are not of God because our God is one of peace, not one of confusion. Now this isn't exactly a new revelation I suppose, but what a good reminder.

The problem for me though is this. I have no idea how to be still and just listen. Seriously, I don't know how to relax. I'm either going at 100mph, or I'm sleeping. There's no in-between. With that in mind, I have found myself striving to learn more. I need to understand why this restlessness has overcome me for the past month. I need to know how to be at peace and how to be still as well.

Any and all advice is welcome. :)

A few things...

2008-10-01T19:39:00.001-07:00

From the get go here, let me go ahead and say, this posting more than likely won't exactly maintain any one static theme. It's going to be a bit random, but random is sort of what I do. That said, let's do it.

First of all, I wanted to point out that I am of the opinion that writing is complicated. It seems that often people sit down with a plan to write something really profound, but it seems that that sort of writing always turns out to be the worst. It's like when a comedian is directed to be funny on the spot, and it just doesn't work out. They're funny people, but it has to come naturally. Same with writing. I think if people would simply write what's on their minds and hearts, they would produce a much better piece of work. Point is, quit trying so hard. I guess that applies to all sorts of things in life really...writing, being funny, sounding intellectual, being cool, etc. Give it a rest okay? Just be you.

Next up, I learned some things today when I went to see my counselor. By the way, going to counseling is so very insightful. I think everyone should go every so often just to get a check on what's up in life. Anyway, back to what I learned. In my counseling sessions, being that I'm a relational person, that is what we have been discussing on a lot of different levels. Today we talked about how I feel compelled to fix people because I intently see how they are hurt. This is all well and good, but something I had never considered was fixing my own hurt first. Hmm...that may not make sense. For example, let's say someone really hurts me emotionally. First I get angry, then I get really sad, and then I feel pity for the other person because I see his or her pain. Tracking with me so far? Okay, so what my counselor was explaining to me is that although it's great that I look at "exterior pain" (being that of the other person), I need to also look at the "interior" (me) and see what's going on there and see what can be done about it. Maybe that's common sense for everyone else, but for me, this is totally new concept. So, I'm going for it. I'm trying to look to myself to see what's going on there and see what's happening and why.

Hmm...there was something else I wanted to mention also. Hang on...

Man, I can't remember. I'm too tired to remember right now. It'll come to me later and I'll post a new entry. :)

I need someone to open the pickle jar...

2008-10-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Or juice, or salsa, or whatever the case may be.

Let me back up and tell this story from the beginning...
So, back a little over 5 years ago, I got married. Yes, that's right I entered into a committed adult relationship bound by God and the great state of North Carolina. Somewhere along the way though, this relationship took a dive. The problem is that the beginning of the end started well before we even got married. I was simply too young, naive, and uninformed to know any better or any different. Incidentally, I found myself locked into a marriage relationship that operated more as though it were a business contract. It seemed like we were always in negotiations or as though we were in some courtroom discussing corporate law. I really think the Enron case was more peaceful than my marriage. After years of battling with each other, it seemed that there was no other option aside from separation. At the mention of that idea, "he" said that separation meant immediate divorce. Well, okay then. So, I moved out. Got my own apartment and found myself in a dark, lonely place. Within that place though, I began to find healing and a sense of who I really am. I found this person inside of me whom I had not known for years. Slowly the dark and cold faded and melted away turning into a warm light. This sense of self began to define who I was for the first time in as long as I could remember, and it's quite refreshing.

Then after a bit, I moved in with an old friend. I met all these new people who opened my eyes even wider to who I am and who I want to be. Initially when I met them, I faced them with great trepidation and apprehension. I was so sure that they had heard stories and rumors about me. I was positive they would look at me and think smugly, "Who does this girl think she is? Shouldn't she be wearing a scarlet 'A' pinned to her sweater?" Nice huh? I prejudged a whole group of people because I thought they would do the same to me. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

The next problem arose though when I became the equivalent to a new toy at Christmas. I peaked all this interest because I was shiny and new, but then, that all slowed to a halt just as I had predicted it would. I sort of relished the attention a bit before. I had never really received anything like that in my past. It was a welcome change from being ignored constantly and never being made to feel important. All the attention, though foreign to me, was so warm and embracing. All these new people endeared themselves to me right away. As I said though, eventually reality set in and all that initial excitement plateaued.

Now I find myself often feeling lonely and as though I don't fit in anywhere. It's like I don't quite have a place to belong. I was so used to being incredibly independent, but then I found out how much I need people and want them around all the time. I want someone to always be there. I want a buddy, a friend, a confidant. I want to have someone in my life who will shoot straight with me, who will tell me I'm beautiful and smart, who will play games with me, who will make me his top priority, who will love me unconditionally, who will indulge my love of shoes and all things pretty, who is simply content to just be with me, and who will open the jar of Claussen pickles when I need one to put on my sandwich. It's hard to admit, but I can't do it all by myself. I used to think I could, but then I found out the truth, and the pickle jar despite its best effort will not open of its own volition.