The Onion

No, no, no. Not the "news source." Don't be silly. I mean more like the Shrek version actually...I'm referring to the layers. I'm sure other things are layered, but an onion is the first item that came to mind.
I was thinking today about how as I start to shed my skin a little, and quit hiding behind all that jaded cynicism, there is a lovely girl down in there. I remember her quite well now. She is much sweeter and kinder, more lively, more gentle, more caring, and really just all around better than the girl she became. She's edging her way back in, but it is taking time.

I became someone I'm not terribly proud of. Now granted, I wouldn't have survived a very difficult situation had I not been able to barricade myself behind strength and a cold, hard disposition. I would've gone mad quite literally. It was necessary to become that person. Like the Aqualung says, "to bear the weight, it's easier to lie." But now, I can't hide behind that facade any longer. The weight has been lifted and life is rather lovely actually.

I'm enjoying my foray back into my old skin. It's like finding an old pair of jeans that fit perfectly and feel like a dream. I've had the privilege to reconnect with old friends who allow me to be...well me, and it feels so good. It's comfortable, and it feels like coming home again.

I'm okay with who I am now. In fact, I like it. I have learned so much along the way, and so all the hardships were worth it. I am grateful to know that I have the personal strength to withstand an enormous amount of pressure. Now though, I'm ready to lay that all aside and go back to just being Ali...in wonderland, where things really are delightfully curiouser and curiouser.

Sleep to Dream You

It's like a sweet ocean breeze comes flooding in
As I slip away into my solitude.
That gentle breeze; the intoxicating smell.
Gently, gently I fall away
Only to find you there waiting in the night.

I do not know your face or name
But you are there, quiet and waiting.
You have been there a long time
So still, so peaceful, so kind.
I can find you when I close my eyes
And the stars dance through the dark sky.

So each day I wait
For that serene moment
When at last I am at rest
And I can sleep to dream you.

The Race

I am by no means a runner...not by any stretch of the imagination; however, I feel like I have been running the world's longest marathon. The last few years have been arduous to say the least. After two years of dealing with a less than amicable divorce, I thought I was finally at the finish line. I truly believed I was at a place where I could finally rest. The idea of slowing down and actually having something that might closely resemble a "real life" is such a far off concept to me that I dare not hope for or dream of it. Instead, I must keep my hand steady and nose to the grindstone.

The race is still going. There is a new route now, and another court date...more lawyers bills, more legal jargon being thrown around, more accusations, more threats. It's all completely exhausting. I have no idea how I have weathered the storm thus far to be honest. Some days I feel like simply laying on the floor and kicking and screaming like a toddler. Other days I yearn to simply fall apart in the arms of someone who loves me. I do those things only in my mind though, and instead keep cool, calm, and collected on the outside. I try my best to maintain that tough girl front, but it's just to avoid completely losing all my sanity and sense of rationale.

God I hope this ends sooner rather than later. I'd like so much to sit on a beach with the cool blue water dancing upon the tips of my toes while the breeze gently swirled around my hair...

The Power of Forgiveness

It is strange to me the potential power that can be released by the simple act of forgiveness. I had no idea how dynamic it could be, but I am learning.

Patty Griffin is a wise woman. Listen to the lyrics of her songs and you will understand. Her song "Forgiveness" has been on my mind lately for obvious reasons. In the first verse she sings about snakes at the bottom of the well. She describes how people are swimming in silent darkness where they simply fell, and how if they stay there, they will never be free. The trick is to obtain that freedom, the people must experience forgiveness in one form or another, whether by granting it or receiving it.

This is where I am...trying to climb out of the well. I don't want to forever swim about in the dank, murky waters. I am seeking freedom and peace, and to do that, I must experience forgiveness.

In my case, I have to forgive myself, which for some reason is considerably more difficult than forgiving someone else. As I daily strive to do so though, I can feel the walls around my heart slowly chip away. It's frightening most certainly, but I believe this to be a good and necessary experience if I want my life to progress instead of remaining stagnant.

The interesting part is that as I allow myself more freedom, I also am forcing myself to try to understand many emotions which I have always tossed aside as meaningless or senseless. I now find myself wanting to feel things the way other people do. I want to see the other side of the spectrum. I want to know it, and I do not want to be afraid.

This is a difficult task, and for someone who is a calculated risk taker, it has me on edge a bit. I think I will be able to find my footing eventually, but it will take time. Until then, I'll just find a comfy spot and settle in for the ride.