Life, take 2

My life is starting over again in the morning. I would say it's starting today, but it's late, and I'm tired and I'd rather start over when I wake up tomorrow. So, Thursday, August 19 will be the day that I really start getting my life back. That is a pretty bold statement I realize, so let me explain more of what I mean exactly.

When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.

Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.

I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.