Perfect timing? Not so sure....

It's funny isn't it how supposedly God gives you who and what you need when you need them or it as the case may be? But I wonder if the timing is as accurate as some people believe.
I say this because in the last...eh...two years or so, I've made some amazing friends. I wonder how my life may have turned out differently had they been around for all the muck and mire of my past. My best friend alone is the only one to truly endure the mess with me and hold my hand as I toiled through through the sludge that was my life. Aside from her there were others, but she is the closest to me both geographically and emotionally and therefore endured the brunt of the storm. I can't help but think that perhaps I wouldn't be so cynical and jaded at times had I also had the blessing of these other friends to come alongside me when in the past when I needed them most. If that's the case...how can one rest in the knowledge that God's timing is perfect when it doesn't seem so perfect at all?

Not the One

It is a strange feeling to realize that you in fact are not the person you thought you might be. What I mean is that it's terribly strange to think that you're the girl who finally got the guy when in fact you haven't got him at all. This is my own personal conundrum at present. I suppose I'm too be grateful for coming to this resolution prior to making any further commitments, but nevertheless, I am awfully disappointed. I know I sound like a silly little girl, but really, I did in fact love him...and to not be loved in return is at a minimum hurtful.
This leaves me wondering though, will I ever be the one? Or am I destined to always be, well, not the one?

Home

I have this fascination with the concept of being home. It seems like such a foreign concept to me as I don't feel like I've had a home per se in many years. Yes I have had a dwelling, but that isn't the same. In my topsy-turvy life there have been several events that have resulted in me ultimately feeling homeless though and quite alone despite the fact that I have been blessed with a plethora of friends. Yes I have a loving family, but geography aside, sometimes we are all just distant from one another. I don't always have the easiest time connecting to my mom, and I miss my brother terribly, but he's not generally easily accessible. I know the old adage about home is where the heart is, and perhaps that is the case. If so, where is my heart? And how do you know when you finally truly find a safe place worth keeping your heart in anyway? I've tried quite a few times to set my heart in the hands of one whom I thought might actually care for it well, only to be sorely disappointed each time. To my own dismay, this only results in me becoming more and more independent, jaded, guarded, and cynical. I keep people at arms length and I am very detached. These are not good attributes, of that I'm fully aware. Changing them though...ah, how do you break the effects of conditioning and need for survival? How do I do that so that I can eventually one day find a place to call my home?

Is not knowing knowing?

I have this opinion that in relationships no one wants to be the one to hurt the other person, so when it comes time to have a serious discussion about the relationship's state of affairs, the easy answer is "I don't know". It's been my experience that this answer is in fact the culmination of all the questions, fears, and doubts that a relationship produces, and it in fact is in and of itself the answer. If you don't know how you feel about a person, then I'm of the opinion that you are in fact certain that said person just isn't the one for you. If there were no doubt about your personal feelings toward someone, wouldn't you readily say "I love you" or "You're the one I want"? I can't imagine being hopelessly in love with someone and only saying "i don't really know how I feel." Of course I know! I love you! It's a no brainer. There shouldn't even be room for debate.

At my age...almost 31 now...I simply cannot sit around waiting for months or years on end for someone to figure out whether or not I just might be the one he wants. You either want me or you don't. And my feelings won't be hurt either way, but please, have the courtesy to respect my time. Don't waste it on your not knowing.

Free to breathe

I was sitting home alone last night flipping through an old, barely used journal. I had written in only maybe 3 pages so I decided to read those pages and see what had been going on at the time. The funny part is that the notes were from almost exactly a year ago. They were from the beginning of August 2010. At that time, I had just obliterated my ex-husband in court for being in contempt following him intentionally putting our house in foreclosure to ruin my credit. Let me tell you, it felt amazing when that judge told him to grow up and be a man and accept responsibility for his actions. The less awesome part is that to enforce the judge's ruling it would cost me thousands of more dollars that I don't have, nor do I care to spend dealing with someone as pathetic and worthless as my ex. Those words sound harsh? Good. They should. It's fitting.

In the midst of all my courtroom drama, financial stress, and constantly working at 2 jobs, one which I loved and one that I abhorred, I was left feeling as though I might suffocate at any given moment. There wasn't a second of peace to be found anywhere. No respite for the weary and brokenhearted. The win in court was worthless. I still got hit with the foreclosure, ruined credit, and thousands of dollars of debt to pay off all thanks to my delightful ex-husband. Then my car died. Then a car I borrowed from my mom got totaled. It literally was just one thing after another. Never enough money. Never enough time. And barely enough air to breathe.

But it's over now. Really it is. I'm on the cusp of something great. Something that just might resemble a real life. A new house, new car, and new job...all within a few months. And here I sit a year later ready to take on the world. Finally it's my turn to get what I have been working so hard to earn for so many years. I can really and truthfully walk away from all the bullshit of the last few years and let out a sigh of relief. Like in the book, finally I am able to just shrug. :)

Compassion or Selfishness...

It is a strange and touchy subject to address, but I think voluntary euthanasia has some merit. I know, I know. All of you extreme right wing conservatives are about to lost your cool. That's fine. You're entitled to your opinion. I ask you though, what would you do if you were faced with a situation in which a loved one were incapacitated, had no quality of life, no hope for a cure, and he or she willingly and coherently were actively choosing to die? Could you, in good conscience, refuse the person's autonomous decision purely for the sake of your own personal beliefs? Is that not terribly selfish?

See, sometimes, in certain very particular situations, I think that perhaps this may in fact be the kindest most compassionate act possible. I say this not with an uninformed or inexperienced perspective. I say this because had I been old enough to fully understand the extreme suffering my own father must have endured up to his very last breath, I would have chosen to allow him to die peacefully instead. Never would I wish anyone to writhe in pain as he or she fought for a tiny gasp of air, only to end up suffocating to death on a hospital bed. It is a cold and cruel day when that happens. I believe it to be far kinder to allow the person in pain to quietly slip away in his or her sleep instead.

It's a slippery slope I know when you appear to condone such an act. I wouldn't dare say that I am for euthanasia across the board. Not at all actually. I think though that in a few rare cases that may in fact be the most selfless act of all. Because it hurts to let someone go. It is painful beyond belief. But so much better in the end than holding on to the shell of whom the person once was.

The New Status Quo?

It's not earth shattering news (anymore) that Casey Anthony was acquitted yesterday essentially of all charges associated with the death of her little girl Caylee. Yes, yes, the masses still think she's guilty despite the fact that the case against her was based on little more than circumstantial evidence. I know people all over the country are in an uproar. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that this girl may soon wish she had been found guilty just so she doesn't have to deal with a public that doesn't care at all about what our judicial system handed down as a verdict.

The age old line is "innocent until proven guilty". Well, Miss Anthony was not at all proven guilty. Say what you will but let's face it, the prosecutor had very little to work with here to prove his case and the jury could hardly sentence a woman to death based on pretty much nothing more than speculation.

Here is where my confusion comes into play though. I keep reading comments from people and hearing things like "she'll get hers in eternity". Well, what if there is nothing for her to get? Really, no one will ever know what happened to that little girl. So who are we to assume, AFTER this girl has been found innocent in a court of law, that she is still guilty and will pay for her transgressions amidst hellfire and brimstone?? Besides, isn't that also to ASSUME that she is not a Christian? (If you do believe the Christian doctrine that only accepting Christ as your savior grants you passage into heaven.) Is it now the accepted policy to make assumptions about people and damn them to hell when they've not been found guilty of a crime? Also, if this girl did kill her daughter, and let's say she is a Christian and follows Jesus Christ, does that mean her salvation is nullified? I can't see how that's possible. The way I understood salvation growing up in the church is that it isn't conditional, but now maybe it is?

Either way, I think I like my idea of Jesus better anyway. The one I believe in forgives and loves and washes away our sins no matter how terrible they may be. As for Miss Anthony...let the woman alone. I imagine living the rest of her life without that little girl is far worse punishment than anything anyone could do to her anyway.