Great Expectations

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations


Now I sit here contemplating the idea of what my life may look like were it slightly different...if in fact "one selected day [were] struck out of it." My how it could potentially be so different. But in its differences, would it better, more ideal, or in fact might it be less fulfilling than what it is today? If I pause and think of how my life may be different if, perhaps my father had never passed away, the end result is a striking contrast to reality. I am certain I would have been spoiled terribly and not at all been forced to learn to be responsible and self sufficient. My mother would not have been a widow for fourteen years, nor would she have her new family with her new husband and his children. Perhaps my brother would not be quite so sad if he had had his father around to look out for him and guide him. It is possible that I would be far less cynical than I sometimes prove to be, and even a plausible notion that I perhaps never would have married the man I did and then divorced. That would be changing a day in my life...

I think though that I would not change a thing about my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences whether they are good or seemingly bad. I have learned from them all, and I believe myself to be a better person for all of it. I like my life. I like the person I have been allowed to become through circumstance and choice.

I am completely unsure of what my future may hold. Perhaps a husband and a family, perhaps some incredible career, fame, fortune, or maybe more death, perhaps poor financial means, but maybe true love. Whatever may come, I have hope for the future. And regardless of circumstance, I pray that I choose to view every situation in a positive light, with great expectations of what is yet to come. For no matter how dismal a day may be, there is something to be learned; there is way to grow and become a better version of me.

A Lesson Learned

It's interesting the things you learn as you grow older. For example, when I was a child, I was always taught that attitude is everything. As I got older and started school, I was told that no matter what, I had to be smart because being pretty was not only an subjective thing but also a fleeting one. I was taught many ideas and concepts such as these, but the one about always being smart played a significant role in my self perception the older I got. I began to define myself by my accomplishments in school, and after school, I defined myself by my job. This is dangerous territory upon which to tread for in doing so, I set myself up for failure. There will always be someone more interesting than me, funnier than me, thinner than me, prettier than me, and God forbid someone smarter than me. Essentially, I gave myself unattainable goals which did nothing but tear away at my self worth.
Then I married someone who simply compounded the idea that I was of very little value and that I had little to no intellectual insight, which was a major blow to my ego. In a search for significance, I became terribly depressed because I could never reach the lofty goals set before me.
Years passed, and I remained in this tempestuous state of self doubt, bitterness, depression, and self loathing. I was unable to find solid ground anywhere regardless of how intensely I sought exactly that. There was no stability. There was no significance. I was no one.
After a fair amount of counseling though, I learned a valuable lesson: I am defined by God and the person He made me to be. In the end, nothing else really matters. Upon learning this, I realized that I had missed the point of what God had been trying to teach me. In my despair and constant internal battle and really my own selfishness, I had missed out on the people and their significance. I thought I had to be the smartest person at my job. I thought I couldn't make any mistakes. I thought because I didn't have some big, powerful, important job, that I wasn't important. What I know now though is that I am important, and I do have a powerful job. I am required to love people as they are regardless of circumstance. That is an incredibly important task, and I pray that I am able to rise to the occasion.

Friday Night

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone. As I sit here, I'm thinking about the word "divorcee". Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that calling myself that would be a joyous experience, but truly, I cannot wait until the day I can officially title myself as such.
I'm shuffling through papers, figuring out numbers, and overall just sorting through my thoughts. I am more than ready for this mess to be finished once and for all. It is exhausting to say the least, and at this point, really just ridiculous. More than anything, I want the freedom to move on with my life.
Ahh...the sweet thought of freedom. The idea alone is like a warm rush all over my body. It's an exhilarating notion, and I cannot wait for the day that it is within my reach. I can nearly see it, but it is in the distance still. A bit longer, and I shall taste the sweetness of it. Come quickly as my patience is waning.

Inside My Head

This battle continues to wage inside my head; day in, day out. It seems that weekly something occurs to perpetuate this war. There is no cease fire. There is no retreat. It is constant, and some days, I am so weary and war torn that I think I cannot take another breath. Yet somehow, I survive. I perhaps am disheveled and hanging by a thread at times, but I manage to keep trudging through the mire. Yet all I seek is peace—a place of respite. I am tired. I am ragged. I am in need of quiet restoration.

What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.

The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.

I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.

Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.