The Onion

No, no, no. Not the "news source." Don't be silly. I mean more like the Shrek version actually...I'm referring to the layers. I'm sure other things are layered, but an onion is the first item that came to mind.
I was thinking today about how as I start to shed my skin a little, and quit hiding behind all that jaded cynicism, there is a lovely girl down in there. I remember her quite well now. She is much sweeter and kinder, more lively, more gentle, more caring, and really just all around better than the girl she became. She's edging her way back in, but it is taking time.

I became someone I'm not terribly proud of. Now granted, I wouldn't have survived a very difficult situation had I not been able to barricade myself behind strength and a cold, hard disposition. I would've gone mad quite literally. It was necessary to become that person. Like the Aqualung says, "to bear the weight, it's easier to lie." But now, I can't hide behind that facade any longer. The weight has been lifted and life is rather lovely actually.

I'm enjoying my foray back into my old skin. It's like finding an old pair of jeans that fit perfectly and feel like a dream. I've had the privilege to reconnect with old friends who allow me to be...well me, and it feels so good. It's comfortable, and it feels like coming home again.

I'm okay with who I am now. In fact, I like it. I have learned so much along the way, and so all the hardships were worth it. I am grateful to know that I have the personal strength to withstand an enormous amount of pressure. Now though, I'm ready to lay that all aside and go back to just being Ali...in wonderland, where things really are delightfully curiouser and curiouser.

Sleep to Dream You

It's like a sweet ocean breeze comes flooding in
As I slip away into my solitude.
That gentle breeze; the intoxicating smell.
Gently, gently I fall away
Only to find you there waiting in the night.

I do not know your face or name
But you are there, quiet and waiting.
You have been there a long time
So still, so peaceful, so kind.
I can find you when I close my eyes
And the stars dance through the dark sky.

So each day I wait
For that serene moment
When at last I am at rest
And I can sleep to dream you.

The Race

I am by no means a runner...not by any stretch of the imagination; however, I feel like I have been running the world's longest marathon. The last few years have been arduous to say the least. After two years of dealing with a less than amicable divorce, I thought I was finally at the finish line. I truly believed I was at a place where I could finally rest. The idea of slowing down and actually having something that might closely resemble a "real life" is such a far off concept to me that I dare not hope for or dream of it. Instead, I must keep my hand steady and nose to the grindstone.

The race is still going. There is a new route now, and another court date...more lawyers bills, more legal jargon being thrown around, more accusations, more threats. It's all completely exhausting. I have no idea how I have weathered the storm thus far to be honest. Some days I feel like simply laying on the floor and kicking and screaming like a toddler. Other days I yearn to simply fall apart in the arms of someone who loves me. I do those things only in my mind though, and instead keep cool, calm, and collected on the outside. I try my best to maintain that tough girl front, but it's just to avoid completely losing all my sanity and sense of rationale.

God I hope this ends sooner rather than later. I'd like so much to sit on a beach with the cool blue water dancing upon the tips of my toes while the breeze gently swirled around my hair...

The Power of Forgiveness

It is strange to me the potential power that can be released by the simple act of forgiveness. I had no idea how dynamic it could be, but I am learning.

Patty Griffin is a wise woman. Listen to the lyrics of her songs and you will understand. Her song "Forgiveness" has been on my mind lately for obvious reasons. In the first verse she sings about snakes at the bottom of the well. She describes how people are swimming in silent darkness where they simply fell, and how if they stay there, they will never be free. The trick is to obtain that freedom, the people must experience forgiveness in one form or another, whether by granting it or receiving it.

This is where I am...trying to climb out of the well. I don't want to forever swim about in the dank, murky waters. I am seeking freedom and peace, and to do that, I must experience forgiveness.

In my case, I have to forgive myself, which for some reason is considerably more difficult than forgiving someone else. As I daily strive to do so though, I can feel the walls around my heart slowly chip away. It's frightening most certainly, but I believe this to be a good and necessary experience if I want my life to progress instead of remaining stagnant.

The interesting part is that as I allow myself more freedom, I also am forcing myself to try to understand many emotions which I have always tossed aside as meaningless or senseless. I now find myself wanting to feel things the way other people do. I want to see the other side of the spectrum. I want to know it, and I do not want to be afraid.

This is a difficult task, and for someone who is a calculated risk taker, it has me on edge a bit. I think I will be able to find my footing eventually, but it will take time. Until then, I'll just find a comfy spot and settle in for the ride.

Oh What an Epiphany It Was...

A friend was telling me last night that often he's just not quite sure how to take me, meaning he can't always read me. He said I come off as so very put together and self sufficient. Well of course I do...that's the role I play. I told him it was all a facade, and it is. Beneath all of that collected exterior is a girl who cannot allow herself to have a real relationship and she inevitably always ends up alone...exactly where she doesn't want to be.
Everyone wants to be loved by someone...to be looked after and cared for. I run from it though. I am too afraid to let down my guard and risk getting hurt. Well, that's one part of it anyway, but that's the obvious reason. The more discreet, stealthy issue is that I don't trust people because I have yet to forgive myself. Sound strange? Probably. When you think about it though, it makes perfect sense.
I am terrified of making a mess of things again. I worry that I will let down people who love me. I am afraid that I won't be able to recover if I do it again. I'm so very afraid of not being perfect. I cannot forgive myself for what I have done in the past. In my mind, I ruined everything. I am the worst thing I could possibly be...a disappointment.
Yet, I do this to myself. No one else thinks this of me. It is my own hubris that gets the best of me. I know this now. This is the great epiphany. I have to forgive myself in order to truly love someone else and be loved in return. What does that look like in application? An acceptance of past mistakes and a willingness to take a risk and quite possibly falter again.
It seems that if I can perhaps accomplish though I will finally have the freedom I so desire. From what I can tell, as it stands, I am bound by my own chains, and we can't have that now can we?

The Anti-Love Love

I think I tend to believe that I don't want someone to love me because in mind that is essentially nothing more than subjecting myself to under the control of someone else. That only makes me think that I will lose my freedom and independence and that my spirit will be crushed. What I'm beginning to learn is that maybe there is a love out there that isn't quite like that and that perhaps what I know of love isn't really love at all. So maybe it is okay to let someone love me...maybe.

I like having someone around, someone whom I can depend on to laugh with me, cry with me, stay up late and get up early with me. But I seem to like that only on my terms. I am somewhat affronted when I feel like another person is infringing upon my time or makes assumptions about me. But maybe if I can just learn to let people be people I will be in a better mindset. I do want that safe and secure feeling. I do want to be protected. I just fear so much that I will lose bits of who I am in exchange for that safety.

Is there a love that will still allow me to fly freely? Is there a love that is real and isn't like all the silly movies? Is there someone who has his own thoughts and opinions and doesn't take mine as his own? If there is a love like this...an anti-love love, then I'll take it.

A Caged Bird

I didn't always feel this way...at least I don't think I did...

It seems though that my mindset has shifted in the last several years. I have become quite cynical and jaded. I trust virtually no one...not really anyway. And I keep people at arm's length. Selfish? Yes. Willing to change? Not at the moment.

The thought I most want to explore though is my view of love. This is quite possibly my greatest fault. I see love and relationships as a lock and key. I think to be loved by someone must be similar to being a caged bird. Love, in my mind, only symbolizes loss of freedom and independence, loss of self, and something that most closely resembles being an indentured servant. Because of this, I view relationships as nothing more than control. I've been told I'm wrong, and while that may well be true, I am not yet ready to allow my perspective to change. It is too risky. I cannot conceivably allow myself to do something that could cost me my freedom.

Today someone told me that my analogy is backwards and that love is really the bird flying free. I just can't see it though. I have no frame of reference to understand what that might look like in a practical application. The only things I know of love I have mentioned. Well, I know those things, and I have seen fairy tale love in movies. That is just some silly idealistic fable though. Real love isn't so pretty. Relationships don't come so neatly packaged. They are difficult and messy and weighty. They come with chains and locks.

Freedom and independence are the only way to be able to fly though.