Disconcerted

I'm laying here in my bed just sort of sifting through my thoughts, unable to concretely identify many of them. So much seems so ambiguous. Often I'm not entirely sure of what it is exactly that I'm thinking or feeling. And so yes, I am disconcerted...upended...unsure...unsteady.

Here's the first thing that has me in such a state:

I wonder, am I destined to simply only ever be "just another girl"? I hate being that girl. It's horrible, painful, and depressing, yet EVERY time, that's all that I am. No matter how many guys tell me they want to be different, they're all just the same. They all come along and act like they're something special and they want to treat me right, but it's never true. Every time I end up hurt, sad, and alone. The guy walks off scott-free. I'm the fool who believed him though. Every. Last. Time.

So will I ever be more than that? Will someone amazing ever choose to love me for me through thick and thin? Right now I have my doubts and am starting to reconcile myself to that idea...that I am me, and I will be alone forever. This is seemingly a dismal forecast I suppose, but indeed, that is the way I see it. I'm not sure how to change that perspective.

The other thing I'm pondering is my decision to move back to NC...or maybe to SC. At any rate, I would be leaving the safety and security of my life here. I know a LOT of people. I have 2 jobs where people love me, and I'm really good at what I do. I can't help but think though that I need to get out of my comfort zone and start over new somewhere else. I cannot simply maintain this life forever. It is empty and unfulfilling. It is the same every day, and I want more. I fear leaving this safety zone though. I know it well, and it is comfortable. I believe to grow though that I need to be pushed.

Then I remember that I am forever alone...and that fear turns to steely determination hidden with a heart that is hardening. This is where I am...