No denying it...a mess

I so often am very level headed, clear, and logical. And then out of nowhere, I find my heart is broken and I fall apart into tears...even if only for a moment. I am not a crier by any means. I think it is synonymous with weakness, which is something that I've always feared showing. I have always felt as though no matter what, I have to be the strong one, the one who keeps her cool and never falls apart. When I break down, it is only under the most immense pressure, generally that which has been building up for quite some time.
But I'm finding myself feeling so very alone as of late. I thought I was free, but I seem to allow myself to be bound by this wretched feeling. I suppose I could have friends, but I think that they would be only superficial and not so much real and quality friends as I would desire. My best friends live far away or are very busy with their own hectic lives. I do not fault anyone for this. It simply is life. All of that to say, I so very much want someone in my life who is truly always there for me. Who will laugh with me, cry with me, be quiet with me, etc. To be honest though, I am not certain at all that this person exists. Every time I think perhaps I've finally found that person, it ends the same, and I am nothing more than just some girl...some meaningless fancy they may have had for a short time. I'd rather have no one around though than to deal with that again. I'm tired of being tossed aside every time as though I have no real importance and as though I am easily replaced. I am also growing increasingly tired of being told by these people that they want to treat me differently than everyone else ever has. Every time I hear that, I think I should just run in the future because every time that is said, it turns out that they all treat me the same. No one is ever different. Not one.

That being said, to reference an older post, I still want someone to open the pickle jar for me, but I just don't think he's out there. He may be, but I have serious reservations about that thought. And I will be more than hesitant about laying my heart on the line again. That much I know to be true.