The Past and the Present

Recently due to unfortunate circumstances surrounding my best friend and her family, I have been reminded of my own past. You see my friend's father had to undergo major surgery and the outlook initially was bleak. As I stand by my friend through this stressful affair, my mind wanders back over memories so vivid they seem as though they happened only yesterday...

I remember the cold, sterile hallways, the beeping machines, the click of the life support machine as my dad's chest would rise and fall. I can still smell the scent of the cleaning supplies and feel the scratchy sheets between my fingertips. I can hear my dad trying to tell me he loved me through strained gasps of air. I can feel the tightness of his skin, stretched out over his body bloated with fluids and ridden with cancer. I can see his deep brown eyes rolling back in his head as he took his last breath. This place is where my mind goes during times such as these.

I was young when he passed away, only fourteen. Most girls at that age are just getting interested in boys, makeup, and "Seventeen" magazine. Not me. I was more interested in getting straight A's in school and building up walls around my heart so no one could see the fear and hurt I felt. I was determined to be strong and to never let anyone see me crumble. Not once in the nine months that my dad was in and out of hospitals from Baptist to Duke did I let my friends see me cry. Just like Smokey Robinson said, "My smile [was] my makeup".

That was then...

Now however, I'm working on breaking down those walls. I see how jaded and cynical I have become at a young age due to various events in my life. I'm twenty-eight now, twice the age I was when my dad died. Certainly I am old enough to let go of the past and move into the here and now. I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. I most definitely do not regret watching my dad die. I am grateful to have seen his face as he was leaving this world. I do not even regret that I have had a failed marriage. I believe that these circumstances serve to build character and are but small things when I look at the possibilities the future may hold. To allow my past to dictate my present, and God forbid my future, would be a travesty. And so for these things I am grateful, and I shall take them, learn from them, and move forward in freedom.