The Weight of the World

I've written before about how I am so tired of running this race. Some days, it seems to be more than I can handle. Today, was one of those days.
Let me first explain that I have had 2 jobs since I was 20 years old. I'm going to be 30 in November. My point being that I have worked hard for a long time. In fact, now I even have 3 jobs. I do this in order to finance my life, which right now means paying very expensive legal bills and taxes on top of my usual bills like rent and insurance.
By no means do I live an extravagant life. However, the legal bills and taxes add a very heavy burden to the weight I already bear.
Today I opened a bill to find that I owe my lawyer's $1500. Where that money will come from, I have no idea. I certainly don't have it, especially given that I still owe the government a few thousand dollars as well.
When I opened that bill, it was just too much to handle. I felt like the floodwaters were about to rush forth. I am exhausted, and I am so angry that I am having to incur these exorbitant expenses on account of someone else.

God, I can't even believe I was married to him. I want to get away so badly. I want to escape, but even still while he's on his honeymoon with his new wife, I sit here with his claws still in my back. All of the emotions involved in this are so scattered and so many I can't even begin to describe them all. And the only thing I want is my freedom. I want the chance to start over. I would give anything for a new life. What is the cost of that? What must I do? What more must I withstand to gain my freedom, or am I destined to be an indentured servant for the remainder of my days. Atlas carried the world on his great and mighty shoulders, but I'm not Atlas. I'm nowhere close. My endurance and stamina are waning at this point, and I just need to breathe.

Little Ghost

I dreamt a dream last night,
and in it I could feel your warm touch.
I could hear you breathing,
and my heart skipped as you whispered to me.

As the stars faded and my room filled with light
you too little ghost slipped from sight.
The sun came and took you away,
and left me empty yet again today.

"The Human String in the Cat's Cradle of Her Heart"

It is this deep sentiment of longing for love that plucks away at that string
Amidst the twisted, knotted entanglement of forgotten emotions.

To be the epicenter of another's very being;
To be the light that fills his eyes;
To be the music that resounds in his soul.

To have my laugh sound like angels;
To be the most enchanting creature;
To be the only one in the room full of people.

Not life nor death can touch me so deeply as this desire to be loved.
For this I will bare my soul.

Pretty Girls

Women love to hate them.
Men only want to sleep with them.
They essentially are nothing more
than pretty little play things.

Adorned with nothing more than a smile
they illicit feelings of angst and animosity,
and lewd lust and desire.

They do nothing more than walk in a room,
but they're targeted as an entity,
not a person.

Soon they are reduced to nothing more than a face,
not even a name.
They have no thoughts or opinions.
They are nothing. Beauty is fleeting and subjective.

The pretty girls,
they blow away.
They are dust in the wind.

Playing in the Rain

I want to dance and sing she said,
But it's pouring out he told her.
I don't care she retorted.
Your hair will be a mess, and your dress will get wet.

I won't melt though, and I like how it smells.
You're sweet enough to melt though he said and smiled.
But I won't she said defiantly.

I'm going and you can't stop me.
I guess I might as well come along then he replied.
So they went out into the storm and turned their faces to the sky.
The weight of the world washed away under the heavy downpour.

She didn't melt, and her hair was a mess and her dress soaked.
It was worth it he told her, just to see you smile.

To Give

To have the capacity and ability to give to other people is an incredible thing. Ideally it would be nice to be able to change someone's life in a completely dramatic way; however, I wonder how much a day might be changed by a simple smile, a kind word, or a gentle touch. Could we each possess the power to change the world by such simple actions?

If there is any plausibility to the butterfly effect at all, I think that this is in fact quite possible. Granted, some hurdles may be more difficult to cross than others, but imagine a day in which you pass by people on the street and actually acknowledge each individual. It astounds me that we live in those huge cosmopolitan cities surrounded by millions of people and yet have no contact with another person at all in a given day. I know at times I have been very depressed and felt terribly alone. I would've given anything to have someone act like I was alive. Instead, I made my way through the day quietly and unnoticed. I wonder how my day may have been altered had someone taken an interest in the forlorn girl in the corner with her face buried in a book pretending to have a bustling life with a phone that wouldn't stop buzzing for a minute because she was so terribly popular.

I have tried for years to fill a void in my life with all sorts of superficial, meaningless things, from dresses to shoes to fruitless relationships. I've found that giving back to others has allowed me to settle into being myself. The joy of giving is one of the greatest feelings I can imagine. To see another person smile because of some small sacrifice I make...well, I'd give anything I have for that. All of the money in the world can't buy that joy.

A-OK

Everything is going to all right. No, really. I know that. There is a peace and a sense of understanding I have been blessed with as of late that tells me this is a definitive truth. The road is winding, and the storms will rage, but I know that at the end there is a safe place waiting. I know that all the toils and snares along the way only serve to make me stronger and wiser. I know this now. I wish I had known years ago, but then I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now I can sit here and write these posts with little concern in regard to pleasing my audience. I can write for me and simple be honest with my thoughts. I am okay with who I am now. I don't feel the need to validate myself with new shoes and dresses. I have no interest in fame or fortune. My interest is people. They will fail me, and in turn, I will do the same to others. We are human, and we have a pretty significant learning curve. However, school is continually in session and so we can only get better at life...at living...and effectually at loving.

That's how I know everything will be okay...because none of "stuff" matters. It's the people who are at the core of everything worth anything. Lesson learned.

The Kindest Words...

As previously mentioned, I have been the recipient of some very kind compliments in the past week or two. It's funny, that me with a head full of words has nothing to say after having these lovely words bestowed upon me. I am simply overwhelmed. The people who have said these things say they are simply speaking truth. That truth is beyond anything I can comprehend though. To have people see me in such an incredible way is more than I could ever hope for.

Not only have these kind words filled my heart with joy and gratitude, but they have brought an understanding to me as to why it's so important to speak to others in the same manner. I see now how a heart is touched by the simplest word, or how it can be torn in the same way. I hope to be able to keep this in mind in dealing with people so that I too can overwhelm others with kind truths and avoid tearing their very tender hearts.

Echo

It seems in the last few weeks that the rhythm of my heart has begun to echo the rhythm of life, or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, I am finding a peace I have not known for some time. I feel...settled, and okay with where my life is right now. I do not feel rushed to make any major decisions. I feel like I have the freedom I have wanted for so long. And in all of that, my heart is finally in sync with my mind, and in turn, I believe my spirit is more in line with where it needs to be as well.

It's as though...I can rest. Finally. I have been waiting for this for years, literally. And now, I have this overwhelming feeling that everything really will turn out all right. I am learning to forgive, and in doing so, learning how to really live. I am learning to trust and to love and to do so with wisdom but without such great trepidation. I am learning to let go of my bitter and jaded cynicism. I'm trading it in for grace, mercy, and kindness. I am trying so hard to have a gentle spirit and a tender heart. And I am learning to allow myself to be surprised by potentially great things.

I have recently been touched by the kindest words from several different people. These dear compliments were so unexpected, and unbeknown to me, so very needed. I didn't know that real, genuine people could see me in such a lovely light. They have seen me for who I am though, and that is the greatest compliment I could possibly receive.

So here I sit, waiting for the next surprise. Yet, not expecting anything. I am content where I am...settled and quite happy. I hope that this echo doesn't stop. To maintain it I think I must constantly maintain my perspective. I must always remember that my problems are really insignificant compared to most. And above all, I cannot forget how important it is to love people. That is where the greatest joy lies, in building relationships...showing people they have value and worth beyond something superficial. I hope to leave as my legacy one day that I have loved well...and echo the spirit of a heart far greater than my own.