I've written before about how I am so tired of running this race. Some days, it seems to be more than I can handle. Today, was one of those days.
Let me first explain that I have had 2 jobs since I was 20 years old. I'm going to be 30 in November. My point being that I have worked hard for a long time. In fact, now I even have 3 jobs. I do this in order to finance my life, which right now means paying very expensive legal bills and taxes on top of my usual bills like rent and insurance.
By no means do I live an extravagant life. However, the legal bills and taxes add a very heavy burden to the weight I already bear.
Today I opened a bill to find that I owe my lawyer's $1500. Where that money will come from, I have no idea. I certainly don't have it, especially given that I still owe the government a few thousand dollars as well.
When I opened that bill, it was just too much to handle. I felt like the floodwaters were about to rush forth. I am exhausted, and I am so angry that I am having to incur these exorbitant expenses on account of someone else.
God, I can't even believe I was married to him. I want to get away so badly. I want to escape, but even still while he's on his honeymoon with his new wife, I sit here with his claws still in my back. All of the emotions involved in this are so scattered and so many I can't even begin to describe them all. And the only thing I want is my freedom. I want the chance to start over. I would give anything for a new life. What is the cost of that? What must I do? What more must I withstand to gain my freedom, or am I destined to be an indentured servant for the remainder of my days. Atlas carried the world on his great and mighty shoulders, but I'm not Atlas. I'm nowhere close. My endurance and stamina are waning at this point, and I just need to breathe.
2 comments:
God is calling you. He keeps us close to Him with these sorts of struggles. If you won the lottery you might forget that He is there, and He won't have that. Reach back and thank Him for the difficult times where you have learned hard life lessons. Thank Him for holding you close and not letting you sail away with your free spirit attitude. And then pray that slowly but surely you will conquer this debt and be able to do more of the things you desire, as long as those things are His desire for you. You have been blessed in so many ways. When you open a bill, remember that you have your health, that you live in a country where you are free to pursue your dreams and goals, and that you don't have any deformities that make people stare when you go out in public.
I thought of the below quote from the Atlas Shrugged when I read this blog post. Its from a conversation between two of the main characters:
"If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater the effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders—what would you tell him to do?"
"I…don’t know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?"
"To shrug."
I'm going to respectfully differ from the above commenter and encourage you to sail away with what you were given as a person and, most of all, to shrug. Not advice at all, friend. Just a thought... You know what you're doing better than the rest of us as its your life. You got this!
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