I've been to church now a total of 4 times in the last 2 years...maybe 3 years. I can't remember honestly. But I've been going because of my sweet friend Michelle and the ordeal that took place in the last days of her life. I have been struck by the beautiful image of all of these people coming together to support one another in such a dark time of angst and turmoil. I have been humbled to be a small part of this. Truly, it is an honor.

In my own heart and mind though, I have the most difficult time sorting out all this mess. Not just because Michelle died, but because I can't sort out the theology that all these other people turn to for comfort. For me, the theology is maybe the most discomforting part of it all.

I cannot grasp how people cling so dearly to words that may be little more than stories or myths. I unable to fathom how people turn to a God who is supposed to be loving and just and react to him in praise when we have lost a close friend. My heart is troubled by all of my uncertainties, and to be fair, a certain amount of those uncertainties are surely derived out of my own pride. Perhaps I simply do not want to believe because I think it's naive and maybe even foolish. I just can't put too much faith in a book compiled by a bunch of men hundreds of years ago. I can't justify why the canon is accepted and the apocrypha is not. I cannot see how this religion that is, honestly full of ludicrous tales, makes any more sense than say Mormonism with John Smith and his silly rocks. How can you praise a God who never teaches you how to deal with pain? I don't know either. And it seems no one has answers to my seemingly endless questions. Some people seem to tremble because of my doubt as though it's blasphemous, but I think they're just afraid to admit they've had the same thoughts before.

Thomas doubted, and he received proof to answer his questions. But was that just another fable? Something to use as a teaching method really? How can you tell the difference? Very little in the Bible can be corroborated by other historical accounts. So when do you know if these stories are just stories? Or are these outlandish tales things that actually occurred? I suppose the Tootsie Roll owl is right...the world may never know.