it's Easter today, and up until this point i was filled with a great joy far beyond anything that could be manufactured on this earth. there was a fullness there, a wholly enveloping gladness and peace, and thankfulness beyond compare. my heart was filled with all of this, right up until the point when i saw a dear and beloved friend choosing to willfully hurt himself. yes that's a redundant statement. that's the point.
i'm more than willing to grant mercy and grace and even extensive compassion and understanding when people are dealing with some difficult issue. i get it. really. i've had more than my fair share to deal with honestly. yet it never ceases to quite simply break my heart and truly sadden me and break my heart to see people i love inflict pain or maladies upon themselves.
i wonder if this is part of the suffering that we're called to endure as Christians. i doubt it though. but then i think perhaps it is part of learning discipline. perhaps that is more likely. i don't say any of this out of judgment. Lord knows i've dipped into plenty of untoward substances and activities. in fact that may be quite precisely why it saddens me so to see others make the same mistakes i did in the past.
i want to shake these people and walk them through my life so they see what i see. i want them to know the pain that i've known and to realize the impact of their actions. and this is the hardest part...to let them learn on their own and to walk away without a word or thought about it all. because i value relationships so very much, that i just cannot do. and therein lies my heartache...behind the thick walls and stone cold countenance...there the tears fall as i see my friends doing nothing more than causing their own pain.