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It's over now. Finally. Nearly two years later I have the papers and I am officially divorced. To a degree saying that sounds almost as if it's a dirty word...something that would draw harsh glares and lots of "shushing" from the prim and proper society crowd. No amount of shushing or sweeping it under the rug will make it go away though. It's there and it's real. It is a scar I shall bear forever. As I sit here sifting through the intense emotions I'm feeling, I know that I finally have freedom that I never before possessed. Yet there is still a sadness, guilt, complex fears, hurt, joy, jubilation, doubt, and certainly exhaustion that all overwhelms me. I am not certain of how to compartmentalize these feelings. I think it would be foolish to simply dismiss them and brush them aside. Dealing with them head on is the way to go. That much I have learned.

I know that to some I shall always bear a scarlet "A", but I cannot control what people think of me. Moving past that desire to want approval from people is challenging though for someone like me who earnestly wants to please everyone. That brings me to another lesson I have learned...that the only one I need to worry about pleasing is my God. That is something to which I must hold onto tenaciously.

There are also several looming fears...that I will forever be alone for one, and the other being that I have made a terrible mistake. I realize that what's done is done. Nothing can or will change the past. My only option is to move forward and not dwell on what might have been or what was. If I can manage to do that, I think I will also be able to move past the guilt I feel over this whole debacle. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I have discussed it at length with many people whom I consider to be wise counsel. I've also spent much time praying about this issue as well. I always come to the same conclusion...that leaving was the right thing, but regardless, I'm still left feeling responsible for hurting someone terribly. Then I worry that I am destined to always be failure in relationships...that I'll always hurt someone and I will just be left sad and lonely.

Then there's the absolute ecstasy of finally being able to close this chapter of my life. It has been SUCH a long process. I want to leave it all behind. I don't know what that means exactly or what it looks like...but I know I need to be able to get a fresh start. I am making steps toward what I think that might be. I need to breathe for a while and relish in this freedom.