Lately I've been thinking very hard about geography. I don't mean so much in the sense of what is the capital of Germany and exactly how many countries are there since the end of what we knew as the USSR when I was in school. I'm referring more to geography and how it relates to personal happiness. By the way though, does anyone even vaguely know how many countries there are now in what was the USSR???
Back to my original thought though...
In my own life I strongly associate my geographical location to my happiness quotient, in fact I allow it to directly affect it, rightly or wrongly so. Now like anyone else, I have many, many memories linked to my geography, but I feel as though my memories here in Georgia are overshadowed by what I will refer to as the Black Plague. Most of my time in this fair city has been spent fighting, crying, and simply trying to survive, so the fun memories, despite whatever score they may have received on the funness scale, kind of get lost in the shuffle. That being said, I think I have explained well enough my desire to leave this land of muck and mire.
I wonder though what would happen if I did. You see, I often believe people wish to move places, well move BACK to places, simply because of the memories they associate with those places. I don't think actually moving back to an old familiar place is all it's cracked up to be. Actually, I think it would incredibly disappointing because nothing is ever the same once you leave. I think those old familiar places are good to visit, but that ultimately they should be kept safe in the caverns of our minds where we can retreat to them when we feel sad or lonely or just need a good daydream.
That being said, is it better to keep the idea of a new place locked safely away in my mind so that I have that hope and that daydream? Or am I erring in not chasing after my dream? Would I just be brokenhearted to pursue my dream and find reality doesn't live up to the ideas in my head? I just don't know sometimes. And this is the hardest dream for me to give up I must admit. The idea of kissing NYC goodbye draws a tear every time I think of it, but is it for the best? The good and right things are not always easy. Is it better, despite the difficulty, to stay here and continually fight against that Plague?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tree of Life
I saw the movie Tree of Life this weekend, and as someone who is generally pretty open minded and quite welcoming to the art world and that of profound thought and philosophical fodder, my overall opinion of the movie is that it is terrible. Harsh? Yeah, I know, but typical of myself. I'd be more forgiving had they at least disclosed in the previews that National Geographic apparently contributed over 45 minutes of footage to the film...even some footage that strangely included dinosaurs. Yes those dinosaurs...the extinct ones...like a velociraptor that was just so much cooler in Jurassic Park.
That aside, there was in fact one very poignant point made in the movie. Brad Pitt plays one of the lead roles as a father of a family of 3 boys set in the 1950's. His character is constantly striving for perfection and success which he views merely as possessing great wealth and maintaining a certain image. This causes him to be incredibly demanding of his children and even his wife. Granted, the kids in the movie really could have settled down and dealt with the fact that sometimes they are told "no", but I can see the other side too...how Brad was a little too demanding on occasion.
Either way, he makes a comment toward the end of the film and the gist of it is something along the lines of how he didn't dignify anything he had because it was never enough for him and in turn he missed the glory of it all. I wish I could remember the quote verbatim, but that's not happening apparently. If anyone happens to see the movie and can clarify for me exactly what it is he says, I'd be much obliged.
At any rate, the point is made and what a point it is. All this rushing around trying to find the perfect job, perfect house, perfect mate, etc...and we miss the glory of what we already have. Thinking in this way, I'm saddened by all that I've missed, and I hope to not let anything else slide through my fingertips.
That aside, there was in fact one very poignant point made in the movie. Brad Pitt plays one of the lead roles as a father of a family of 3 boys set in the 1950's. His character is constantly striving for perfection and success which he views merely as possessing great wealth and maintaining a certain image. This causes him to be incredibly demanding of his children and even his wife. Granted, the kids in the movie really could have settled down and dealt with the fact that sometimes they are told "no", but I can see the other side too...how Brad was a little too demanding on occasion.
Either way, he makes a comment toward the end of the film and the gist of it is something along the lines of how he didn't dignify anything he had because it was never enough for him and in turn he missed the glory of it all. I wish I could remember the quote verbatim, but that's not happening apparently. If anyone happens to see the movie and can clarify for me exactly what it is he says, I'd be much obliged.
At any rate, the point is made and what a point it is. All this rushing around trying to find the perfect job, perfect house, perfect mate, etc...and we miss the glory of what we already have. Thinking in this way, I'm saddened by all that I've missed, and I hope to not let anything else slide through my fingertips.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Are We Dragon Slayers?
I often am at my own mercy I think. I wallow in my desire for something more and allow myself to become very depressed over my belief that surely I am destined for far more greatness than this life has offered so far. But is that arrogant of me? Am I way off base here? Clearly my life has been no fairy tale. There is no knight in shining armor racing to rescue the princess from an impossibly tall tower in a far away land. In fact there isn't even a princess or a tower for that matter. But is there a dragon to slay? Is there something great to accomplish with this life of mine? Or perhaps is that great destiny conceivable only in my own mind?
What if my dragon is nothing more than having the patience, endurance, and discipline to withstand what I deem to be a very banal existence? Am I indeed up for that task? Honestly, I think it would be easier to pull the sword from the stone than it is to live this boring life much longer. However, maybe that is exactly why I live this life. Because it isn't what I want. What to do with it then?
Or maybe there is no dragon at all. Maybe life is supposed to be like that God foresaken movie Groundhog Day. It's a horrible movie. Maybe that's all there is though.
We shall see I suppose, if we are destined to slay dragons or essentially do nothing more than scrub the floors of the castle. I'm hoping for a dragon though.
What if my dragon is nothing more than having the patience, endurance, and discipline to withstand what I deem to be a very banal existence? Am I indeed up for that task? Honestly, I think it would be easier to pull the sword from the stone than it is to live this boring life much longer. However, maybe that is exactly why I live this life. Because it isn't what I want. What to do with it then?
Or maybe there is no dragon at all. Maybe life is supposed to be like that God foresaken movie Groundhog Day. It's a horrible movie. Maybe that's all there is though.
We shall see I suppose, if we are destined to slay dragons or essentially do nothing more than scrub the floors of the castle. I'm hoping for a dragon though.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Anyone else up for an 80's/90's reunion???
I remember one of the first times a song really got to me. Sadly I have to admit it was thanks to Canada's very own Bryan Adams and that song he had on the Robin Hood score. Maybe it was in part the movie that got to me too...or the video on MTV back when MTV still played videos. Some of you youngsters may not even recall that era, but it existed I swear.
At any rate, I have to hand it to old Bryan...good stuff. I got hooked in, and I'm generally not a super girly girl in the emotional sense. Now if we're talking dresses and shoes...I'm all about it. :) Back to the point though, what happened to those awesome and simultaneously horrible ballads of the 80's and 90's???? I'm a little sheepish about admitting this, but I miss them! Mr. Big and the like, come back! Although, you guys could all probably stand a makeover or a haircut at the bare minimum. Maybe I should keep you in my memories actually. It might be best for everyone involved. :)
At any rate, I have to hand it to old Bryan...good stuff. I got hooked in, and I'm generally not a super girly girl in the emotional sense. Now if we're talking dresses and shoes...I'm all about it. :) Back to the point though, what happened to those awesome and simultaneously horrible ballads of the 80's and 90's???? I'm a little sheepish about admitting this, but I miss them! Mr. Big and the like, come back! Although, you guys could all probably stand a makeover or a haircut at the bare minimum. Maybe I should keep you in my memories actually. It might be best for everyone involved. :)
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Redemption, Grace, and what the hell?
Maybe I should have phrased that title "Redemption, Grace, and am I going to hell?" but it really loses some of the panache that way. At any rate, I'm brushing up on my theology today, Calvinism in particular. This modern spin on what was in fact a very valid and reasonable perspective really seems to have people upset. Well, understandably so. I'd be mad too if I actually believed I was going to die and burn in a fiery pit of molten lava and ash wallowing in agonizing pain for an eternity all because I'm not one of the few elect. See why people are upset?
Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.
Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.
Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.
To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you
Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.
Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.
Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.
To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Stuck-ness
Ah, where to begin. Much has happened in nearly a year since I've last written. I'll get to it all...eventually.
Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.
The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.
I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.
So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.
Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.
The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.
I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.
So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Life, take 2
My life is starting over again in the morning. I would say it's starting today, but it's late, and I'm tired and I'd rather start over when I wake up tomorrow. So, Thursday, August 19 will be the day that I really start getting my life back. That is a pretty bold statement I realize, so let me explain more of what I mean exactly.
When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.
Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.
I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.
When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.
Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.
I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.
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