I remember one of the first times a song really got to me. Sadly I have to admit it was thanks to Canada's very own Bryan Adams and that song he had on the Robin Hood score. Maybe it was in part the movie that got to me too...or the video on MTV back when MTV still played videos. Some of you youngsters may not even recall that era, but it existed I swear.
At any rate, I have to hand it to old Bryan...good stuff. I got hooked in, and I'm generally not a super girly girl in the emotional sense. Now if we're talking dresses and shoes...I'm all about it. :) Back to the point though, what happened to those awesome and simultaneously horrible ballads of the 80's and 90's???? I'm a little sheepish about admitting this, but I miss them! Mr. Big and the like, come back! Although, you guys could all probably stand a makeover or a haircut at the bare minimum. Maybe I should keep you in my memories actually. It might be best for everyone involved. :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Redemption, Grace, and what the hell?
Maybe I should have phrased that title "Redemption, Grace, and am I going to hell?" but it really loses some of the panache that way. At any rate, I'm brushing up on my theology today, Calvinism in particular. This modern spin on what was in fact a very valid and reasonable perspective really seems to have people upset. Well, understandably so. I'd be mad too if I actually believed I was going to die and burn in a fiery pit of molten lava and ash wallowing in agonizing pain for an eternity all because I'm not one of the few elect. See why people are upset?
Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.
Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.
Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.
To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you
Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.
Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.
Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.
To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Stuck-ness
Ah, where to begin. Much has happened in nearly a year since I've last written. I'll get to it all...eventually.
Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.
The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.
I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.
So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.
Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.
The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.
I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.
So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Life, take 2
My life is starting over again in the morning. I would say it's starting today, but it's late, and I'm tired and I'd rather start over when I wake up tomorrow. So, Thursday, August 19 will be the day that I really start getting my life back. That is a pretty bold statement I realize, so let me explain more of what I mean exactly.
When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.
Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.
I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.
When the sun rises tomorrow and the intense summer heat burns the dew off of the glistening grass as the clouds clear and the bright blue sky covers the world, my life will be brand new. I will officially be done with the past. I will have to deal with my horrid ex-husband no more. My legal battle will finally have come to an end. I will be able to breathe at last and begin to find my footing on a new path. This will not be easy. I have had to fire my worthless lawyer, and despite winning in court, it turns out that I still manage to lose. My ex is still not being forced to comply with the court order, and I in turn still have an impending foreclosure coming right at me as a delightful little gift for my 30th birthday. This is not easy to swallow at all. The fact that my ex gets away with all of the horrible things he has done to me over the years is infuriating and heartbreaking. There are so many intense emotions involved with all of this that I'm not even sure where to begin processing them all. I don't know how to compartmentalize all of it and sort it out because none of it is logical or reasonable. It is 100% unfair. Life isn't fair you say? Tell me something I don't know. Regardless, when you do all you can to try to do the right thing and you still get screwed, it's never easy to accept.
Back to my new life though...
I want to learn how to work through these deep emotions. I want my heart to be softened, my spirit to be gentle, and my words to be kind. I want to lead a quiet life without all this mess. I seek simplicity. I want to live a life that shows people love wholly and unconditionally. I say that, and at the same time I'm torn by bitterness and anger because I cannot understand how in doing the right thing I still get ruined, and my ex blatantly breaks the law and gets away with it. I have to pay the price for his actions. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. In reality, I want these things, but I am heartbroken. I am a mess, and I am lost and in great despair. I don't know how to find my way back to peace and joy unless I simply fake it.
I hope that when the new day comes rolling over the horizon my tears will be dry and heart not quite so heavy. I am hoping that the new day will bring with it peace and restoration. I don't know where to begin with all of this. It seems all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take a deep breath every step of the way.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Might I Dream
And if I might dream tonight,
I wonder what I might find
lurking there amidst the midst and haze
hanging in my mind.
Would the stars glimmer and dot the darkness
of a thick and heavy sky?
Would the moon softly kiss the stones along the path
twisting through the caverns inside my head?
I'd hope for nothing more than a quiet peace,
a place to rest my weary soul.
Often though it is the opposite I happen on
in those dreams of mine.
Tonight I lay here wondering,
squeezing tight my eyes
hoping for a lovely dream,
and not one in which I die.
So I hope this time for a different ending
I pray for the dreams fairy tales are made of.
Or at the very least that in my slumber
I will rest and remember nothing in the morning.
I wonder what I might find
lurking there amidst the midst and haze
hanging in my mind.
Would the stars glimmer and dot the darkness
of a thick and heavy sky?
Would the moon softly kiss the stones along the path
twisting through the caverns inside my head?
I'd hope for nothing more than a quiet peace,
a place to rest my weary soul.
Often though it is the opposite I happen on
in those dreams of mine.
Tonight I lay here wondering,
squeezing tight my eyes
hoping for a lovely dream,
and not one in which I die.
So I hope this time for a different ending
I pray for the dreams fairy tales are made of.
Or at the very least that in my slumber
I will rest and remember nothing in the morning.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fairy Tales
The dashing prince atop his white steed with the sword glinting in the sheath ready to slay the dragon for the lovely, kind princess. Or perhaps it is a fairy godmother flitting about waving a wand or wrinkling her nose to turn a pumpkin into a gleaming carriage. Or maybe it's nothing more than some handsome man making a girl's eyes dance and sparkle when she laughs as he swirls her around the dance floor accompanied by the lovely sounds of a stringed orchestra.
Most little girls grow up believing that this, or something similar could actually become their reality, at least to some degree. They dream of that beautiful wedding day in which their stomachs are filled with butterflies as they glide down the aisle in a gorgeous swathing cupcake gown toward the man of they've fantasized about their whole lives. Then they dream of the perfect honeymoon, the house with the white picket fence, the fluffy dog, and the giggling babies. Then there are girls like me...
I don't believe the fairy tale. I never did really. I was always the skeptic. And now, well now I don't know what to think. I want so very badly to believe that fairy tale. I want to think that somewhere there is a prince ready to come and rescue me from the tower. It just seems though that I'm destined to be Rapunzel forever, except I have short hair so the prince can't climb to the window to save me. I'm stuck there. Stuck.
I thought I had my moment a couple of weeks ago in court. I thought that finally I got to be the princess instead of Cinderella who gets screwed over by everyone around her. I thought perhaps I finally got to go to the ball and put on the glass slipper. I won in court, by a landslide. It was bad for him, to the point that I felt sorry for him. But it doesn't even matter. I still lose. How? Because he is getting to walk away essentially scott free because of a legal loophole in bankruptcy proceedings. Yes, yes, he has to file bankruptcy, which is bad, but it also absolves him from his punishment for screwing me over.
So as I sit here typing all I can think is that I am sitting in a tower waiting for someone and yet no one will come. We like to think that "we're all in this together" but at the end of the day, the weight of this all falls on my shoulders and mine alone. There is no help mate. There is no one who truly understands. The burden is mine to bear, and I hate him for it. I don't think the fairy tale is real. I told my friend today that I think there are no princes or princesses, only a bunch of smashed up Humpty Dumptys. The looking glass is shattered. There is no magic. Life is not pretty, and I doubt it ever will be. Shame on parents for letting little girls think otherwise. We are not princesses. Nothing of the sort. No matter how many tiaras I wore as a little girl, and not matter how many pretty dresses I twirl around in, I am no princess. The stories aren't true. In the end justice does not seem to prevail. We do the right thing because it's the right thing, but to expect a reward is foolish at best. It is true that no good deed goes unpunished.
And so I sit in my tower and wonder if there is an end to this mess. I try to make sense of it all, but it is a riddle I cannot solve. All the dresses in all the world can not a princess make. In reality, we are all more like Cinderella as she scrubs the floors, makes the food, and mends the clothes with coal smudged on her pretty face.
Most little girls grow up believing that this, or something similar could actually become their reality, at least to some degree. They dream of that beautiful wedding day in which their stomachs are filled with butterflies as they glide down the aisle in a gorgeous swathing cupcake gown toward the man of they've fantasized about their whole lives. Then they dream of the perfect honeymoon, the house with the white picket fence, the fluffy dog, and the giggling babies. Then there are girls like me...
I don't believe the fairy tale. I never did really. I was always the skeptic. And now, well now I don't know what to think. I want so very badly to believe that fairy tale. I want to think that somewhere there is a prince ready to come and rescue me from the tower. It just seems though that I'm destined to be Rapunzel forever, except I have short hair so the prince can't climb to the window to save me. I'm stuck there. Stuck.
I thought I had my moment a couple of weeks ago in court. I thought that finally I got to be the princess instead of Cinderella who gets screwed over by everyone around her. I thought perhaps I finally got to go to the ball and put on the glass slipper. I won in court, by a landslide. It was bad for him, to the point that I felt sorry for him. But it doesn't even matter. I still lose. How? Because he is getting to walk away essentially scott free because of a legal loophole in bankruptcy proceedings. Yes, yes, he has to file bankruptcy, which is bad, but it also absolves him from his punishment for screwing me over.
So as I sit here typing all I can think is that I am sitting in a tower waiting for someone and yet no one will come. We like to think that "we're all in this together" but at the end of the day, the weight of this all falls on my shoulders and mine alone. There is no help mate. There is no one who truly understands. The burden is mine to bear, and I hate him for it. I don't think the fairy tale is real. I told my friend today that I think there are no princes or princesses, only a bunch of smashed up Humpty Dumptys. The looking glass is shattered. There is no magic. Life is not pretty, and I doubt it ever will be. Shame on parents for letting little girls think otherwise. We are not princesses. Nothing of the sort. No matter how many tiaras I wore as a little girl, and not matter how many pretty dresses I twirl around in, I am no princess. The stories aren't true. In the end justice does not seem to prevail. We do the right thing because it's the right thing, but to expect a reward is foolish at best. It is true that no good deed goes unpunished.
And so I sit in my tower and wonder if there is an end to this mess. I try to make sense of it all, but it is a riddle I cannot solve. All the dresses in all the world can not a princess make. In reality, we are all more like Cinderella as she scrubs the floors, makes the food, and mends the clothes with coal smudged on her pretty face.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Rescue
The first line of the Tonic song "Sugar" says "Come on baby put your shoes on. Looking like you need a rescue [...]" Ryan Adams sings about the "Rescue Blues". I never thought of myself as the girl who got to be the princess rescued from the tower. Growing up I always played cowboys and indians, and the other girls got to be the damsels in distress while I ran around with my brother and the other boys. In high school I was quiet and mostly kept to myself. In college, I was even more reserved except with a very select group of friends. Now I'm more open, but I am incredibly independent...to the point that it's actually not a good thing. Hmm...which that may actually be why I've found myself in this position come to think of it.
What I'm referring to is my strong desire to be rescued...to not be alone...essentially just to be loved. I hear all of these songs these guys have written for these girls. I wonder if the girls have any idea what they have and if they do I wonder if they appreciate it. Do they know what it's like on the other side-to be alone and always do everything themselves? To not have that shoulder to cry on or that embrace to hide in when the storms come? To come home only to a pile of books and to know characters in movies better than they know most people? To find solace only in a song that isn't even for you? To wear a mask in the world of a pretty happy girl but at home to sink into a somber, melancholy version of the girl they might be?
I have a vague notion that perhaps a love like no other is waiting for me...waiting to be unlocked from it's warm, soft sepulcher. For some reason it is not yet time for me to escape this dark and heavy past of mine. Perhaps it is to teach me to lay down my pride and beg for help...to learn that while hell may be other people, I do in fact need those people in my life. Maybe I am too impatient and when I learn my lesson, perhaps there will be a reward. Or maybe there is no reward at all, but I am to live this life simply because it is the cards I've been dealt. I'm really not sure at all. The only thing I am sure of is that I feel like the girl in the song, and I need a rescue.
What I'm referring to is my strong desire to be rescued...to not be alone...essentially just to be loved. I hear all of these songs these guys have written for these girls. I wonder if the girls have any idea what they have and if they do I wonder if they appreciate it. Do they know what it's like on the other side-to be alone and always do everything themselves? To not have that shoulder to cry on or that embrace to hide in when the storms come? To come home only to a pile of books and to know characters in movies better than they know most people? To find solace only in a song that isn't even for you? To wear a mask in the world of a pretty happy girl but at home to sink into a somber, melancholy version of the girl they might be?
I have a vague notion that perhaps a love like no other is waiting for me...waiting to be unlocked from it's warm, soft sepulcher. For some reason it is not yet time for me to escape this dark and heavy past of mine. Perhaps it is to teach me to lay down my pride and beg for help...to learn that while hell may be other people, I do in fact need those people in my life. Maybe I am too impatient and when I learn my lesson, perhaps there will be a reward. Or maybe there is no reward at all, but I am to live this life simply because it is the cards I've been dealt. I'm really not sure at all. The only thing I am sure of is that I feel like the girl in the song, and I need a rescue.
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