The Trust Debacle

It is a giant risk to trust someone. You lay your heart on the line. You can and more than likely will get hurt, or at the very least be sorely disappointed. Trusting someone can evolve into a whirlwind of emotions and pain. Ultimately, trusting someone can be the most terrifying and excruciatingly painful anyone chooses to do.

With that in mind, what to do when someone repeatedly tells you to not trust him or her? On the one hand, that sounds like a terribly honest admission, which leads one to believe the person who said it in the first place. Then, on the other hand, perhaps it is fair warning. I wonder though, if the person who might say that in all actuality simply doesn't trust him or herself. How would that person be different if someone did trust him or her, or believed in that person? It seems that person is simply afraid of him or herself. If the person is aware of his or her weaknesses though, saying "don't trust me" just seems like the easy way out. Then he or she doesn't have to face his or her own demons. If one cannot be trusted, that is a problem he or she must address. It should be of no concern to anyone else. So what are those demons dancing inside the head of someone who may say such a thing? What is the underlying issue there? It seems that if you know you are not to be trusted, you simply allow yourself to succumb to your weaknesses instead of conquering them.

Despite all the heartache trust may well bring with it, on the flip side is a world full of great joy, love, friendship, compassion, caring, and understanding. In my mind these things far outweigh any of the negative aspects. I would prefer to take the risk and lay my heart on the line. I may get hurt, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

A Brave Heart

I was asked some poignant questions the other night regarding what, in a tangible way, it looks like to truly seek Christ and truly want nothing more than Him. My friend who asked me about this matter wondered aloud what the secret was of people like Moses and other great men of the Bible. My immediate response is that these men, men like David who was described as a man after God's own heart, were not ruled by fear. I am of the belief that truly great people do not allow their lives to be dictated to them by their fears of what others may think of them or fears of disappointing someone or really any other sort of fear for that matter. I think that these men knew that doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing was far more pleasing to God than it was important to please man. They were not concerned with things of this world. They had character, integrity, and brave hearts. These men and women, Rahab for example, chose Christ over man, despite the fact that their choice was not always popular. They served a king. They knew 2 Corinithians 4:16-18 to be true and lived their lives accordingly.

I know it is a lofty goal, yet I find myself hoping that perhaps I too can be like these people. I do not dare put myself in the same category as King David, yet I still pray that I can live my life to please my God and not to please any man. Surely, I can lay aside my own pride and follow a King who gave his own life to save mine. As my courageous friend Scott Bradley Stream said with regard to sacrificing his life for freedom and our great nation, "it is but a small thing". Certainly to die to myself for my Savior is a small thing as well.

Wondering what the Future Holds...

You know those people who are the most incredible people you know, but they have no idea? The ones who are kind and compassionate, not just intelligent but also thoughtful, discerning and wise, unabashedly honest, humble, steadfast, joyful, quiet in spirit, and who bring a peace to your soul by just being around. And it is those people who are rare finds and who have yet to realize their own greatness.
For these people I wonder what the future holds. What lies before them on the unknown road? My hope is that one day these people will finally take hold of who they truly are in Christ and fulfill their potential to the fullest. Great things must await these people for they are earnest and true. They emulate the heart of Christ without even trying to do so.
I pray for these people that they will be blessed beyond imagination. I pray that they will find someone who loves them completely and who will be their advocate and lift them up when they fall. I pray that they will see how incredibly beautiful they are, not necessarily physically, but beautiful in spirit, character, and integrity. Oh I pray great and mighty things are to come for these people. I pray blessings on their families and all whom they touch as well. I pray that the angels surround them and protect them so that not even their feet might touch a stone. God bless these people. May they come to learn of their own greatness.

A New Perspective

I sat outside church writing today for about 30 minutes. I was sorting through these thoughts of feeling like my worth was only in what I look like. I was torn about this and really in great turmoil as I want so badly for someone to see what lies beneath. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see my heart and the intricacies therein. Perhaps someone will see me for my character, integrity, and compassion. On the flip side though, perhaps not. I do not know what the future holds for me. I do know that I realized today that regardless of my doubts and fears, my God is much bigger than all of that, and His power far outweighs any of my hopelessness.

After I sat writing this afternoon, I walked into church fully ready to listen and learn and allow God to speak to my heart. And He did. I saw that in my brokenness, I had lost sight of what is important. I was so focused on "poor pitiful" me, that I had given little thought to the lives of others and the hurt and uncertainty they may be experiencing and how I could help. How foolish of me to get so caught up in something so trivial as whether or not people see me the way I want them to see me.

I sat in church in this broken state, singing the songs, listening to the sermon, and then, the pastor quoted Nelson Mandela...
"We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."
Upon hearing that the realization of my foolishness really began to set in. So many thoughts flooded my mind then...and there was a peace about who I am and the way I am perceived. And then people began to give their prayer requests. I was so humbled when I heard the afflictions in the lives of others. My heart was broken, and I sat there nearly in tears, especially after a friend mentioned something he was dealing with that is very close to my own heart. All of these different prayer requests, all equally legitimate, none more important than another, gave me a fresh perspective. I have placed too much importance on myself. I have not allowed God to complete His work in me just yet. There is still much to do. To allow this to happen, I think I have to approach Him with a more broken spirit and a more willing heart. I must truly deny myself

Another Kind of Beautiful

I never hoped to be beautiful, not in the pretty girl who always gets her way because she's pretty sense anyway. Beauty I of that nature, purely physical beauty, is fleeting I always thought. It has no real substance. I had always hope for far more for myself. I wanted people to see the complex inner working of my heart and mind and appreciate me for that, not for what I may look like. I do not want to be simply the girl who skates through life on her appearance. I don't want to be the pretty girl. I want to be the girl who is unique in her own right. I want desperately to be loved for who I am, and I want someone who is willing to take the time to find out who that person is. I don't want to just be the girl who can joke around. I want to be the real girl who possesses great depth, compassion, wisdom, intellect, humor, understanding, and love. And in those things, I hope to be beautiful. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see all the intricate details within my heart and find them fascinating and intriguing. I'm not certain that is something my future holds, but I continue to hope that it is.

Bethany Dillon "Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful