Home

I have this fascination with the concept of being home. It seems like such a foreign concept to me as I don't feel like I've had a home per se in many years. Yes I have had a dwelling, but that isn't the same. In my topsy-turvy life there have been several events that have resulted in me ultimately feeling homeless though and quite alone despite the fact that I have been blessed with a plethora of friends. Yes I have a loving family, but geography aside, sometimes we are all just distant from one another. I don't always have the easiest time connecting to my mom, and I miss my brother terribly, but he's not generally easily accessible. I know the old adage about home is where the heart is, and perhaps that is the case. If so, where is my heart? And how do you know when you finally truly find a safe place worth keeping your heart in anyway? I've tried quite a few times to set my heart in the hands of one whom I thought might actually care for it well, only to be sorely disappointed each time. To my own dismay, this only results in me becoming more and more independent, jaded, guarded, and cynical. I keep people at arms length and I am very detached. These are not good attributes, of that I'm fully aware. Changing them though...ah, how do you break the effects of conditioning and need for survival? How do I do that so that I can eventually one day find a place to call my home?