Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Back and forth, to and fro-such is the state of my mind right now. As I've said before, I miss the me whom I used to be. I wonder if that quiet, pensive girl is still dwelling somewhere in the midst of my chaotic day to day life, or has she gone by the way side and been replaced by work and responsibility? Is that part of me dependent on someone else? Does that piece require another half that isn't present without the right other person around?
I used to sift through pages and pages of philosophy and theology for hours on end, toiling with my thoughts, beliefs, and fears. Now I sit, dumbed down, watching pointless TV shows or scrolling through fashion blogs feeding my love for absurdly priced footwear. While that's all well and good, I wonder at times if the girl of substance is still around. I miss her. I miss the sweet serenity of sitting with my thoughts and sorting through them no matter the chaotic manner in which they present themselves. I miss the hollow melancholy and swells of music that once filled not just my room but also my head and heart. Where to go to find them again? Where to find that peaceful space?
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I have thought a lot about "would I want to be who I was when I was younger" and to some degree, maybe. But, what I have found is that by wishing I was still back in that part of my life, it is hard to move forward with other areas of growing. Kind of like the old high school quarter back who is now 40 still talking about the good old days. When, all along, there was so much more to live and experience. Get new ideas that others have not just my own. When I sit with my own ideas, I miss out on a bigger picture of what I do not see (even though I know it all alread) ;)
I have been fortunate to find joy in the "right now," and the "what could be" aspect of life. But, at the same time, not trying to move to quickly that I miss those joys happening now, and what will be.
My mind has been in overdrive today and I feel like I am rambling...So, I shall stop now :) The End
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