I have recently been thinking about fear. It seems to be a common theme throughout my thoughts and my writing. I'm wondering though if it is in fact the human condition to possess fear. What I mean is this: Are we all innately inclined to be afraid and therefore often allow our fears to control our lives; is fear an effect and our society the cause; or are some people simply impervious to fear, and if so, how can that possibly be?

I'm inclined to believe that we are all subject to fear at some point, and the reason for that is because we live in a fallen world. I suppose that sounds cliche to some, but i earnestly believe that is the truth. In view of that, how do we combat our fears? To some, fear is a cruel tyrant, callously ruining lives. To others, it is nothing more than a vague memory. How is it the strong survive though? How are they able to defeat their fear and win back the freedom to live their own lives?

It's over now. Finally. Nearly two years later I have the papers and I am officially divorced. To a degree saying that sounds almost as if it's a dirty word...something that would draw harsh glares and lots of "shushing" from the prim and proper society crowd. No amount of shushing or sweeping it under the rug will make it go away though. It's there and it's real. It is a scar I shall bear forever. As I sit here sifting through the intense emotions I'm feeling, I know that I finally have freedom that I never before possessed. Yet there is still a sadness, guilt, complex fears, hurt, joy, jubilation, doubt, and certainly exhaustion that all overwhelms me. I am not certain of how to compartmentalize these feelings. I think it would be foolish to simply dismiss them and brush them aside. Dealing with them head on is the way to go. That much I have learned.

I know that to some I shall always bear a scarlet "A", but I cannot control what people think of me. Moving past that desire to want approval from people is challenging though for someone like me who earnestly wants to please everyone. That brings me to another lesson I have learned...that the only one I need to worry about pleasing is my God. That is something to which I must hold onto tenaciously.

There are also several looming fears...that I will forever be alone for one, and the other being that I have made a terrible mistake. I realize that what's done is done. Nothing can or will change the past. My only option is to move forward and not dwell on what might have been or what was. If I can manage to do that, I think I will also be able to move past the guilt I feel over this whole debacle. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I have discussed it at length with many people whom I consider to be wise counsel. I've also spent much time praying about this issue as well. I always come to the same conclusion...that leaving was the right thing, but regardless, I'm still left feeling responsible for hurting someone terribly. Then I worry that I am destined to always be failure in relationships...that I'll always hurt someone and I will just be left sad and lonely.

Then there's the absolute ecstasy of finally being able to close this chapter of my life. It has been SUCH a long process. I want to leave it all behind. I don't know what that means exactly or what it looks like...but I know I need to be able to get a fresh start. I am making steps toward what I think that might be. I need to breathe for a while and relish in this freedom.

Something...

Maybe it's me, or rather something about me. Maybe the something is nothing. I'm not sure anymore to be honest. I know that I often feel that something is missing though, as if I am incomplete. I don't know exactly how to identify that void. All I can think is that I do not belong. I have yet to find that place that is made for me. I no longer have a home to which I can return when my world collapses all around me. I have only a room in a place that I rent. My family, small though it may be, is not only a bit scattered, but has also become somewhat of an enigma this past year. My world has changed drastically, and I cannot seem to find a place to rest. It is as though I am constantly treading water. Occasionally someone will come along, and I think perhaps this person is different. Maybe he's safe. Maybe I can cling to him. This has yet to be true. They're all the same, and I remain just another girl to each of them. I realize that this bears no reflection on my worth as an individual. It's just that I want to be chosen by someone. I want a place to finally just be. I want that security. I don't want to go it alone anymore. I want something more. As patience is not a virtue that I really seem to possess, perhaps God is trying His hardest to teach it to me. Most days I am completely fine. Others, ahh...what I wouldn't get to have a place to call home.

The Trust Debacle

It is a giant risk to trust someone. You lay your heart on the line. You can and more than likely will get hurt, or at the very least be sorely disappointed. Trusting someone can evolve into a whirlwind of emotions and pain. Ultimately, trusting someone can be the most terrifying and excruciatingly painful anyone chooses to do.

With that in mind, what to do when someone repeatedly tells you to not trust him or her? On the one hand, that sounds like a terribly honest admission, which leads one to believe the person who said it in the first place. Then, on the other hand, perhaps it is fair warning. I wonder though, if the person who might say that in all actuality simply doesn't trust him or herself. How would that person be different if someone did trust him or her, or believed in that person? It seems that person is simply afraid of him or herself. If the person is aware of his or her weaknesses though, saying "don't trust me" just seems like the easy way out. Then he or she doesn't have to face his or her own demons. If one cannot be trusted, that is a problem he or she must address. It should be of no concern to anyone else. So what are those demons dancing inside the head of someone who may say such a thing? What is the underlying issue there? It seems that if you know you are not to be trusted, you simply allow yourself to succumb to your weaknesses instead of conquering them.

Despite all the heartache trust may well bring with it, on the flip side is a world full of great joy, love, friendship, compassion, caring, and understanding. In my mind these things far outweigh any of the negative aspects. I would prefer to take the risk and lay my heart on the line. I may get hurt, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

A Brave Heart

I was asked some poignant questions the other night regarding what, in a tangible way, it looks like to truly seek Christ and truly want nothing more than Him. My friend who asked me about this matter wondered aloud what the secret was of people like Moses and other great men of the Bible. My immediate response is that these men, men like David who was described as a man after God's own heart, were not ruled by fear. I am of the belief that truly great people do not allow their lives to be dictated to them by their fears of what others may think of them or fears of disappointing someone or really any other sort of fear for that matter. I think that these men knew that doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing was far more pleasing to God than it was important to please man. They were not concerned with things of this world. They had character, integrity, and brave hearts. These men and women, Rahab for example, chose Christ over man, despite the fact that their choice was not always popular. They served a king. They knew 2 Corinithians 4:16-18 to be true and lived their lives accordingly.

I know it is a lofty goal, yet I find myself hoping that perhaps I too can be like these people. I do not dare put myself in the same category as King David, yet I still pray that I can live my life to please my God and not to please any man. Surely, I can lay aside my own pride and follow a King who gave his own life to save mine. As my courageous friend Scott Bradley Stream said with regard to sacrificing his life for freedom and our great nation, "it is but a small thing". Certainly to die to myself for my Savior is a small thing as well.

Wondering what the Future Holds...

You know those people who are the most incredible people you know, but they have no idea? The ones who are kind and compassionate, not just intelligent but also thoughtful, discerning and wise, unabashedly honest, humble, steadfast, joyful, quiet in spirit, and who bring a peace to your soul by just being around. And it is those people who are rare finds and who have yet to realize their own greatness.
For these people I wonder what the future holds. What lies before them on the unknown road? My hope is that one day these people will finally take hold of who they truly are in Christ and fulfill their potential to the fullest. Great things must await these people for they are earnest and true. They emulate the heart of Christ without even trying to do so.
I pray for these people that they will be blessed beyond imagination. I pray that they will find someone who loves them completely and who will be their advocate and lift them up when they fall. I pray that they will see how incredibly beautiful they are, not necessarily physically, but beautiful in spirit, character, and integrity. Oh I pray great and mighty things are to come for these people. I pray blessings on their families and all whom they touch as well. I pray that the angels surround them and protect them so that not even their feet might touch a stone. God bless these people. May they come to learn of their own greatness.

A New Perspective

I sat outside church writing today for about 30 minutes. I was sorting through these thoughts of feeling like my worth was only in what I look like. I was torn about this and really in great turmoil as I want so badly for someone to see what lies beneath. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see my heart and the intricacies therein. Perhaps someone will see me for my character, integrity, and compassion. On the flip side though, perhaps not. I do not know what the future holds for me. I do know that I realized today that regardless of my doubts and fears, my God is much bigger than all of that, and His power far outweighs any of my hopelessness.

After I sat writing this afternoon, I walked into church fully ready to listen and learn and allow God to speak to my heart. And He did. I saw that in my brokenness, I had lost sight of what is important. I was so focused on "poor pitiful" me, that I had given little thought to the lives of others and the hurt and uncertainty they may be experiencing and how I could help. How foolish of me to get so caught up in something so trivial as whether or not people see me the way I want them to see me.

I sat in church in this broken state, singing the songs, listening to the sermon, and then, the pastor quoted Nelson Mandela...
"We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."
Upon hearing that the realization of my foolishness really began to set in. So many thoughts flooded my mind then...and there was a peace about who I am and the way I am perceived. And then people began to give their prayer requests. I was so humbled when I heard the afflictions in the lives of others. My heart was broken, and I sat there nearly in tears, especially after a friend mentioned something he was dealing with that is very close to my own heart. All of these different prayer requests, all equally legitimate, none more important than another, gave me a fresh perspective. I have placed too much importance on myself. I have not allowed God to complete His work in me just yet. There is still much to do. To allow this to happen, I think I have to approach Him with a more broken spirit and a more willing heart. I must truly deny myself