Inside My Head

This battle continues to wage inside my head; day in, day out. It seems that weekly something occurs to perpetuate this war. There is no cease fire. There is no retreat. It is constant, and some days, I am so weary and war torn that I think I cannot take another breath. Yet somehow, I survive. I perhaps am disheveled and hanging by a thread at times, but I manage to keep trudging through the mire. Yet all I seek is peace—a place of respite. I am tired. I am ragged. I am in need of quiet restoration.

What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.

The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.

I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.

Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.