What does it take?

I was driving today and began thinking and started to wonder, "what does it take to be the sort of woman after whom a man of greatness desires to chase? How do you become that woman for whom that man will gladly lay down his life? What defines that woman whom that man will protect, cherish, honor, respect, hold dear, and love with wreckless abandon?"

So, what does it take? Well, I came to the conclusion that in order to receive the kind of love that I desire, I must be wiling to first give it. I cannot allow myself to be guarded and hide behind my fears. Granted, there is much to be said for wisdom and moving forth with prayerful consideration, but I think there is also much to be said for having some a bit of nerve and not being afraid to sort of jump off a cliff and let go of all ration and reason and just go for it. If I want someone who can tell me that he needs me in his life or that he wants me to come somewhere or to do something, then I need to grant him the same courtesy. No more of these silly guessing games I say. Let's just be honest yeah?

You know, this note doesn't have to be long. It's simple really. I initially wasn't even sure that I was a woman who could be worthy of having a man chase after me or truly love me, etc.,but I know someone will someday, and that someone will love me as I am for who I am, and all those things I so very much desire will be second nature to him. I am waiting for him to make his move. Until then, I am simply carrying on with my life.

Sorting it out...

Psalm 121:1,2 has, for a long time, been one of my favorite passages in the Bible. There is also a song written from the song that is really beautiful. The lyrics to the song are this:

I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth
I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord
You are my only hope
You’re my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

Granted, the verse is the actual Scripture a bit reworded, but overall, how beautiful are these words? How peaceful? I know the chorus isn't actually Scripture, BUT, I so love it. These words I hold close to my heart right now. They are a life source when the flood waters are beginning to run deep. I must choose to hinge my hope in the power, grace, mercy, and strength of my God. I am seeking His wisdom in the midst of trouble. I will look to his words for comfort.

Ps 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry. He lifted my up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. He set my feet upon the rock and my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to the Lord. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."



So, how am I sorting it out? Well, I'm not exactly. I have to remember that God is, and that I can't...as much as I want to, it's just not within my realm of power. The hurt, the pain, the fear, the same...it all belongs to Him, not to me.

Uncertainity

I realize that everyone deals with the issue of uncertainty, whether it be in relationships, jobs, the future, or whatever else. I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn't give me much comfort to be honest. I don't know if it's a matter of fear of the unknown or a lack of control that bothers me so much. Either way, I could nearly drive myself crazy thinking about all the things in my life that are a bit, well, uncertain.

First of all, there is the question of what to do with my life. I have this second chance now, and I'm just not quite sure I should do with it. I don't know if I should stay in Atlanta, or perhaps I should take a dive and move somewhere else and start a brand new life with a fresh change of scenery. I'm leaning toward the latter option. The problem there is the fear of moving and not having a job yet, which I just don't think I can manage to do that. Also, I know a few people in Charlotte, the city of choice, but not a ton. Starting over with friends is hard. My family is there which is a definite perk, but there are problems there too. Those problems bring up issues and hurts from my past, and I fear that I may get sucked into that mess again, which cannot happen.

If I stay here though, what am I staying for? I have 2 jobs here, and I know a lot of people. I like my church. And, that's it. I'm not living a real life though. Not the life I want. Will moving change that? Maybe.

Then I overanalyze relationships too. I can't just sit back and let things naturally unfold. I want to know, and I want to know now. How obnoxious is that? I mean really, that's just annoying.

So, I need God very badly to give me clear direction. I need a mountain to conquer. I need some peace and some clarity. I am seeking it with all of my heart. I want to succeed. I do not want to be left simply wandering through life. I want and I need a purpose.

The New Deal...and no I'm not talking about FDR

Now in the past, I have written quite a bit about my recent past and how it has affected me, etc. Someone gave me some excellent advice today though. A friend told me, "Forget every word he has ever said to you...forget it. It has NO affect on you. He has no power over you. You are FREE. There is a new beginning for you free from all the bull."

You know what? Said friend is right. So, here's the New Deal...I'm moving forward, and not looking back. That's right. My past has no hold on me. Not anymore. I'm over it and done. I'm going to prayerfully make decisions instead of allowing my past to dictate the way I live my future. God is first in command here, and I will follow him.

There are things that I hope for in life. Until God's plan for me unfolds though I will patiently wait and diligently work and do my share and OBEY my God. So, from here on out, this blog will be written in the here and now, not in bleak past, but in the bright present and future. God has cleared a path for me, and I am choosing to take it, wherever it may lead.