I never hoped to be beautiful, not in the pretty girl who always gets her way because she's pretty sense anyway. Beauty I of that nature, purely physical beauty, is fleeting I always thought. It has no real substance. I had always hope for far more for myself. I wanted people to see the complex inner working of my heart and mind and appreciate me for that, not for what I may look like. I do not want to be simply the girl who skates through life on her appearance. I don't want to be the pretty girl. I want to be the girl who is unique in her own right. I want desperately to be loved for who I am, and I want someone who is willing to take the time to find out who that person is. I don't want to just be the girl who can joke around. I want to be the real girl who possesses great depth, compassion, wisdom, intellect, humor, understanding, and love. And in those things, I hope to be beautiful. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see all the intricate details within my heart and find them fascinating and intriguing. I'm not certain that is something my future holds, but I continue to hope that it is.
Bethany Dillon "Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
[Chorus]
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Great Expectations
"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Now I sit here contemplating the idea of what my life may look like were it slightly different...if in fact "one selected day [were] struck out of it." My how it could potentially be so different. But in its differences, would it better, more ideal, or in fact might it be less fulfilling than what it is today? If I pause and think of how my life may be different if, perhaps my father had never passed away, the end result is a striking contrast to reality. I am certain I would have been spoiled terribly and not at all been forced to learn to be responsible and self sufficient. My mother would not have been a widow for fourteen years, nor would she have her new family with her new husband and his children. Perhaps my brother would not be quite so sad if he had had his father around to look out for him and guide him. It is possible that I would be far less cynical than I sometimes prove to be, and even a plausible notion that I perhaps never would have married the man I did and then divorced. That would be changing a day in my life...
I think though that I would not change a thing about my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences whether they are good or seemingly bad. I have learned from them all, and I believe myself to be a better person for all of it. I like my life. I like the person I have been allowed to become through circumstance and choice.
I am completely unsure of what my future may hold. Perhaps a husband and a family, perhaps some incredible career, fame, fortune, or maybe more death, perhaps poor financial means, but maybe true love. Whatever may come, I have hope for the future. And regardless of circumstance, I pray that I choose to view every situation in a positive light, with great expectations of what is yet to come. For no matter how dismal a day may be, there is something to be learned; there is way to grow and become a better version of me.
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Now I sit here contemplating the idea of what my life may look like were it slightly different...if in fact "one selected day [were] struck out of it." My how it could potentially be so different. But in its differences, would it better, more ideal, or in fact might it be less fulfilling than what it is today? If I pause and think of how my life may be different if, perhaps my father had never passed away, the end result is a striking contrast to reality. I am certain I would have been spoiled terribly and not at all been forced to learn to be responsible and self sufficient. My mother would not have been a widow for fourteen years, nor would she have her new family with her new husband and his children. Perhaps my brother would not be quite so sad if he had had his father around to look out for him and guide him. It is possible that I would be far less cynical than I sometimes prove to be, and even a plausible notion that I perhaps never would have married the man I did and then divorced. That would be changing a day in my life...
I think though that I would not change a thing about my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences whether they are good or seemingly bad. I have learned from them all, and I believe myself to be a better person for all of it. I like my life. I like the person I have been allowed to become through circumstance and choice.
I am completely unsure of what my future may hold. Perhaps a husband and a family, perhaps some incredible career, fame, fortune, or maybe more death, perhaps poor financial means, but maybe true love. Whatever may come, I have hope for the future. And regardless of circumstance, I pray that I choose to view every situation in a positive light, with great expectations of what is yet to come. For no matter how dismal a day may be, there is something to be learned; there is way to grow and become a better version of me.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A Lesson Learned
It's interesting the things you learn as you grow older. For example, when I was a child, I was always taught that attitude is everything. As I got older and started school, I was told that no matter what, I had to be smart because being pretty was not only an subjective thing but also a fleeting one. I was taught many ideas and concepts such as these, but the one about always being smart played a significant role in my self perception the older I got. I began to define myself by my accomplishments in school, and after school, I defined myself by my job. This is dangerous territory upon which to tread for in doing so, I set myself up for failure. There will always be someone more interesting than me, funnier than me, thinner than me, prettier than me, and God forbid someone smarter than me. Essentially, I gave myself unattainable goals which did nothing but tear away at my self worth.
Then I married someone who simply compounded the idea that I was of very little value and that I had little to no intellectual insight, which was a major blow to my ego. In a search for significance, I became terribly depressed because I could never reach the lofty goals set before me.
Years passed, and I remained in this tempestuous state of self doubt, bitterness, depression, and self loathing. I was unable to find solid ground anywhere regardless of how intensely I sought exactly that. There was no stability. There was no significance. I was no one.
After a fair amount of counseling though, I learned a valuable lesson: I am defined by God and the person He made me to be. In the end, nothing else really matters. Upon learning this, I realized that I had missed the point of what God had been trying to teach me. In my despair and constant internal battle and really my own selfishness, I had missed out on the people and their significance. I thought I had to be the smartest person at my job. I thought I couldn't make any mistakes. I thought because I didn't have some big, powerful, important job, that I wasn't important. What I know now though is that I am important, and I do have a powerful job. I am required to love people as they are regardless of circumstance. That is an incredibly important task, and I pray that I am able to rise to the occasion.
Then I married someone who simply compounded the idea that I was of very little value and that I had little to no intellectual insight, which was a major blow to my ego. In a search for significance, I became terribly depressed because I could never reach the lofty goals set before me.
Years passed, and I remained in this tempestuous state of self doubt, bitterness, depression, and self loathing. I was unable to find solid ground anywhere regardless of how intensely I sought exactly that. There was no stability. There was no significance. I was no one.
After a fair amount of counseling though, I learned a valuable lesson: I am defined by God and the person He made me to be. In the end, nothing else really matters. Upon learning this, I realized that I had missed the point of what God had been trying to teach me. In my despair and constant internal battle and really my own selfishness, I had missed out on the people and their significance. I thought I had to be the smartest person at my job. I thought I couldn't make any mistakes. I thought because I didn't have some big, powerful, important job, that I wasn't important. What I know now though is that I am important, and I do have a powerful job. I am required to love people as they are regardless of circumstance. That is an incredibly important task, and I pray that I am able to rise to the occasion.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Friday Night
It's Friday night and I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone. As I sit here, I'm thinking about the word "divorcee". Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that calling myself that would be a joyous experience, but truly, I cannot wait until the day I can officially title myself as such.
I'm shuffling through papers, figuring out numbers, and overall just sorting through my thoughts. I am more than ready for this mess to be finished once and for all. It is exhausting to say the least, and at this point, really just ridiculous. More than anything, I want the freedom to move on with my life.
Ahh...the sweet thought of freedom. The idea alone is like a warm rush all over my body. It's an exhilarating notion, and I cannot wait for the day that it is within my reach. I can nearly see it, but it is in the distance still. A bit longer, and I shall taste the sweetness of it. Come quickly as my patience is waning.
I'm shuffling through papers, figuring out numbers, and overall just sorting through my thoughts. I am more than ready for this mess to be finished once and for all. It is exhausting to say the least, and at this point, really just ridiculous. More than anything, I want the freedom to move on with my life.
Ahh...the sweet thought of freedom. The idea alone is like a warm rush all over my body. It's an exhilarating notion, and I cannot wait for the day that it is within my reach. I can nearly see it, but it is in the distance still. A bit longer, and I shall taste the sweetness of it. Come quickly as my patience is waning.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Inside My Head
This battle continues to wage inside my head; day in, day out. It seems that weekly something occurs to perpetuate this war. There is no cease fire. There is no retreat. It is constant, and some days, I am so weary and war torn that I think I cannot take another breath. Yet somehow, I survive. I perhaps am disheveled and hanging by a thread at times, but I manage to keep trudging through the mire. Yet all I seek is peace—a place of respite. I am tired. I am ragged. I am in need of quiet restoration.
What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.
The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.
I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.
Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.
What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.
The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.
I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.
Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Things I hate...well, maybe not "hate", but I at least strongly dislike...
1. Red and yellow bell peppers...but I am quite fond of the green ones
2. Cankles...I hope to never have them
3. Foods that jiggle...although I am strangely fascinated by them too
3. Mushrooms...they just feel funny
4. Spam...'nuf said
5. Boys in skinny jeans...it's just not okay, and I'm certain it could impair procreation
6. Rude people...does this really require an explanation?
7. Yellow soft drinks...I don't have an explanation. I just think they're vile.
8. Doughnuts...ew, ew, ew. fat, gross and = jiggly butt. no thank you
9. People who spell doughnuts as "donuts"...I have issues with poor spelling skills
10. Boys who tell me that I'm interesting...that's really another whole blog posting...maybe later
11. People who feel the need to tell me how artsy/cool/free spirited/hard core/etc they are...let your game speak for itself sucka
12. Cheap paper products...once you go Viva anything else is uncivilized
That's all I can think of currently, but I'm sure to add more.
2. Cankles...I hope to never have them
3. Foods that jiggle...although I am strangely fascinated by them too
3. Mushrooms...they just feel funny
4. Spam...'nuf said
5. Boys in skinny jeans...it's just not okay, and I'm certain it could impair procreation
6. Rude people...does this really require an explanation?
7. Yellow soft drinks...I don't have an explanation. I just think they're vile.
8. Doughnuts...ew, ew, ew. fat, gross and = jiggly butt. no thank you
9. People who spell doughnuts as "donuts"...I have issues with poor spelling skills
10. Boys who tell me that I'm interesting...that's really another whole blog posting...maybe later
11. People who feel the need to tell me how artsy/cool/free spirited/hard core/etc they are...let your game speak for itself sucka
12. Cheap paper products...once you go Viva anything else is uncivilized
That's all I can think of currently, but I'm sure to add more.
Maybe margaritas and lonely hearts aren't the best combination...
As I was driving home tonight, I begin to realize that there is a deep yearning within my heart to have a husband...or at least a significant other. Why? Well because I want to matter to someone. I want to be more than a pretty face or a silly giggle. I want someone to know me fully and love me in spite of some parts of me and for others. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
Now I know that I must first be okay with who I am and be content with God alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean that I do not still have this insatiable desire to be loved. Like anyone, I must patiently bide my time. Some days my heart is simply heavier than others. Today is one of those days.
I drove home sort of in a trance...granted that is partially due to a margarita and a half coupled with my poor drinking skills, but that aside, I just kept thinking and wondering if I will ever be more than just another girl to anyone. I have no answer to that question. I can hope and dream, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, and my heart is tended to by my God only. That is enough, but there is still an emptiness...a yearning to be significant to someone.
Today is not my day for that. Perhaps someday will come...
Now I know that I must first be okay with who I am and be content with God alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean that I do not still have this insatiable desire to be loved. Like anyone, I must patiently bide my time. Some days my heart is simply heavier than others. Today is one of those days.
I drove home sort of in a trance...granted that is partially due to a margarita and a half coupled with my poor drinking skills, but that aside, I just kept thinking and wondering if I will ever be more than just another girl to anyone. I have no answer to that question. I can hope and dream, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, and my heart is tended to by my God only. That is enough, but there is still an emptiness...a yearning to be significant to someone.
Today is not my day for that. Perhaps someday will come...
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