It's the pushing and pulling and never let me go-ing...it's this restlessness that never dies. Stay, leave, rest, run. Which is it I wonder or which should it be or which will it ever be? If I run will I find what I think I'm missing? If I stay will I always miss it? Or is it that no matter what, I will always be missing something...or perhaps someone?

As it is, I feel like I'm floating in a holding pattern with only the clouds to keep me company. But even there in the beautiful, soft greyness, is still this overwhelming stuckness. Maybe the stuckness is stuck inside my head though. Perhaps it isn't real. Perhaps it's just the drowsy effect of the thick, cozy cloud cover hanging drearily from the heavy sky.

I by no means grew up in any sort of slum or third world country, nor did I grow up filthy rich with every advantage afforded to me. I had a normal family with a median income, 2 dogs, and a cat. I suppose it was the traditional American dream,
When my dad died, at least for me anyway, that dream shattered. Really I know I reference this often, but it was an earth-shattering experience in my life. It was a bit more over the top than your everyday ebb and flow. And ever since, things simply have not come easy. I don't say that to sound tragic or dramatic, it simply is a fact. Up until very recently I have worked at least two jobs and no less than 70 hours a week...for over the past decade. Given that I'm only 30...that seems like a terribly long time. However, that is the least of my concerns. I don't mind hard work. In fact, I rather like it as I think it builds character and integrity.
My issue rather is with relationships. Even in the middle of very messy and long, drawn out divorce, I still found myself trying to remain calm and non-reactionary, and to maintain some semblance of grace and dignity. Even in a trying time like that when truly it felt as though the weight of the world had alighted quite abruptly on my shoulders, I found myself mustering up every bit of strength I had to be strong, not just for myself, but for others. I've since learned that sometimes being strong also means have the capability to completely fall apart...as much as I hate to admit that. But in relationships, yes with guys, I have tried to be honest, open, kind, fair, compassionate, and patient. Yet no matter what I do it seems I cannot manage to come out on top.
Let me run down a list. We'll start with the narcissistic ex-husband. Not my finest moment. He was followed up by a guy we'll call the finger-tip pimp. I stole that name from my buddy Chris Price. Anyway, said pimp was a real charmer in on-line chats and emails...oddly even sent me pictures of engagement rings and the like...only to find out he was dating about 5 girls at the same time. Cool huh? Next up was...oh yeah, the needy one who was incredibly kind and fun but tried too hard to be something he wasn't and tried even harder to make our relationship work when clearly it just wasn't going to pan out. Lesson from that one...if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not entirely certain of your feelings toward that someone you probably needs to bail out of that relationship on the fly. Quite simply, if you don't know, you know. Anyway, that guy was followed up by this fellow who charmed me with his wit and sarcasm only to turn out to be a legit drug dealer. Considering I don't want to end up like Penelope Cruz in Blow I obviously had to put the kibosh on that one real quick. Bummer though, he was super fun. Post drug dealer along came this very handsome fellow I met at a wedding. He was unassuming certainly, but incredibly fun. He had me at the suspenders he sported to the wedding too I might add. I suppose it may have seemed an unusual match...me with a more simplistic guy, but that's part of what I liked about him. He was the opposite of me. REALLY the opposite...like ended up hardly talking to me and certainly wasn't honest with me...and I'm guilty of being brutally honest. That has ended actually with the two of us as roommates in a place he hates in a part of the city that I love. He's miserable, and now I'm kind of mad at him whereas at one point I felt sorry for him. Now though, I think I've just been used for the last year. Not awesome. I've hung out with a few people since-one is kind of psycho and definitely controlling, the other is just plain fun. At this point, I don't even care what the fun guy's intentions are. Why? Because he's fun. And until Adrian Brody comes to sweep me off my feet, I think I'm settling for fun in any way, shape, or form.
Enough with the relationships where I have to be the strong one, the honest one, the level headed one. Enough. I want fun and whimsy and carefree. I want that seemingly easy life for a little while. I don't want to work quite so hard, just for a bit. I think it might be nice if for once someone took care of me.

Perfect timing? Not so sure....

It's funny isn't it how supposedly God gives you who and what you need when you need them or it as the case may be? But I wonder if the timing is as accurate as some people believe.
I say this because in the last...eh...two years or so, I've made some amazing friends. I wonder how my life may have turned out differently had they been around for all the muck and mire of my past. My best friend alone is the only one to truly endure the mess with me and hold my hand as I toiled through through the sludge that was my life. Aside from her there were others, but she is the closest to me both geographically and emotionally and therefore endured the brunt of the storm. I can't help but think that perhaps I wouldn't be so cynical and jaded at times had I also had the blessing of these other friends to come alongside me when in the past when I needed them most. If that's the case...how can one rest in the knowledge that God's timing is perfect when it doesn't seem so perfect at all?

Not the One

It is a strange feeling to realize that you in fact are not the person you thought you might be. What I mean is that it's terribly strange to think that you're the girl who finally got the guy when in fact you haven't got him at all. This is my own personal conundrum at present. I suppose I'm too be grateful for coming to this resolution prior to making any further commitments, but nevertheless, I am awfully disappointed. I know I sound like a silly little girl, but really, I did in fact love him...and to not be loved in return is at a minimum hurtful.
This leaves me wondering though, will I ever be the one? Or am I destined to always be, well, not the one?

Home

I have this fascination with the concept of being home. It seems like such a foreign concept to me as I don't feel like I've had a home per se in many years. Yes I have had a dwelling, but that isn't the same. In my topsy-turvy life there have been several events that have resulted in me ultimately feeling homeless though and quite alone despite the fact that I have been blessed with a plethora of friends. Yes I have a loving family, but geography aside, sometimes we are all just distant from one another. I don't always have the easiest time connecting to my mom, and I miss my brother terribly, but he's not generally easily accessible. I know the old adage about home is where the heart is, and perhaps that is the case. If so, where is my heart? And how do you know when you finally truly find a safe place worth keeping your heart in anyway? I've tried quite a few times to set my heart in the hands of one whom I thought might actually care for it well, only to be sorely disappointed each time. To my own dismay, this only results in me becoming more and more independent, jaded, guarded, and cynical. I keep people at arms length and I am very detached. These are not good attributes, of that I'm fully aware. Changing them though...ah, how do you break the effects of conditioning and need for survival? How do I do that so that I can eventually one day find a place to call my home?

Is not knowing knowing?

I have this opinion that in relationships no one wants to be the one to hurt the other person, so when it comes time to have a serious discussion about the relationship's state of affairs, the easy answer is "I don't know". It's been my experience that this answer is in fact the culmination of all the questions, fears, and doubts that a relationship produces, and it in fact is in and of itself the answer. If you don't know how you feel about a person, then I'm of the opinion that you are in fact certain that said person just isn't the one for you. If there were no doubt about your personal feelings toward someone, wouldn't you readily say "I love you" or "You're the one I want"? I can't imagine being hopelessly in love with someone and only saying "i don't really know how I feel." Of course I know! I love you! It's a no brainer. There shouldn't even be room for debate.

At my age...almost 31 now...I simply cannot sit around waiting for months or years on end for someone to figure out whether or not I just might be the one he wants. You either want me or you don't. And my feelings won't be hurt either way, but please, have the courtesy to respect my time. Don't waste it on your not knowing.

Free to breathe

I was sitting home alone last night flipping through an old, barely used journal. I had written in only maybe 3 pages so I decided to read those pages and see what had been going on at the time. The funny part is that the notes were from almost exactly a year ago. They were from the beginning of August 2010. At that time, I had just obliterated my ex-husband in court for being in contempt following him intentionally putting our house in foreclosure to ruin my credit. Let me tell you, it felt amazing when that judge told him to grow up and be a man and accept responsibility for his actions. The less awesome part is that to enforce the judge's ruling it would cost me thousands of more dollars that I don't have, nor do I care to spend dealing with someone as pathetic and worthless as my ex. Those words sound harsh? Good. They should. It's fitting.

In the midst of all my courtroom drama, financial stress, and constantly working at 2 jobs, one which I loved and one that I abhorred, I was left feeling as though I might suffocate at any given moment. There wasn't a second of peace to be found anywhere. No respite for the weary and brokenhearted. The win in court was worthless. I still got hit with the foreclosure, ruined credit, and thousands of dollars of debt to pay off all thanks to my delightful ex-husband. Then my car died. Then a car I borrowed from my mom got totaled. It literally was just one thing after another. Never enough money. Never enough time. And barely enough air to breathe.

But it's over now. Really it is. I'm on the cusp of something great. Something that just might resemble a real life. A new house, new car, and new job...all within a few months. And here I sit a year later ready to take on the world. Finally it's my turn to get what I have been working so hard to earn for so many years. I can really and truthfully walk away from all the bullshit of the last few years and let out a sigh of relief. Like in the book, finally I am able to just shrug. :)