funny how at 1am, even after downing night-time theraflu and having been sick for 4 days i still can't sleep. i even tried watching some mindless movie. still a no go. so as i lay here in the comfort of my bed, wrapped in my piles of blankets and cloud-like pillows, my mind has the freedom to wander.
and so as i sift through my countless thoughts, i land again upon the thought of my lovely and beautiful friend michelle.
you see, michelle was one of those radiant sorts of people who simply drew you into her. you wanted to know everything about her and felt compelled to share your life with her as well. her very nature elicited an urgent desire to do something to bless her for all that she so graciously did for others. often people have said of my dad that when he walked into a room, he was the room. michelle was the same way. not in an arrogant sense as though she demanded attention and respect, but her loving, kind, and beautiful countenance simply commanded it by virtue of it's own nature. michelle's smile quite literally lit up her face, as if the stars themselves were lit by the dancing fire in her eyes. and in all this, i think the most wonderful thing about her is her deep and true sincerity. i know without a doubt that when michelle told me how much she loved me it was as real as the day is long. there was never even a hint of some superficial, careless word to come out of that girl's mouth. she spoke with great care and consideration, always conscious of the impact her words would make upon the person to whom she was speaking. even in hard conversations though, michelle always would encourage you, never choosing to belittle or berate a person for his or her choice. her approach was always one of kindness and compassion.

now i sit here thinking too about how much michelle loved Jesus and the church. and then think back upon all i learned growing up from parents who felt the same. i wonder if perhaps now michelle and my dad are sitting there commiserating on how to next put me in some strategic place to bang on my stubborn head a bit more. they'd have fun the two of them, playing their little chess game with my life.

then i wonder, why is it that i am so stubborn and so arrogant? have i missed the point of it all? did everything pass me by while i was up on my mountain looking down at all of this? i've had people tell me before that i have no idea how smart i am. that's not true though. i'm fully aware of it. i just try not to let on. but i have been arrogant about that gift and thought i could use it to figure out all of this. i know full well that i have been blessed an incredible amount intellect and capacity for understanding intricate philosophies and theories. but i have misused that it seems. i have tried my best to use that gift to disprove all of this. to find any and every reason why it just can't be true. and at the end of the day, i'm still left sad, lonely, and empty-handed. there is no grand sense of satisfaction. there isn't a quintessential eureka moment where i prove everyone wrong and walk off laughing at the lot of fools. i am the fool.

i've often said i think prayer is used to manipulate a situation. perhaps intellect is the very same. what is it kris said about things being good slaves but not good masters?

i still don't at all understand a good portion of christian lingo. if you tell me to let go and let god, i have no idea what you mean. i still need very practical applications for these terribly ambiguous ideas, but i am willing to lay down my sword and simply listen now. i am not in this for a fight. in fact, i don't know that i ever have been. i am not trying to question every last bit. i am trying to make some sense of things, but maybe kris was right too when he mentioned not needing to know the answers to it all and being okay with some of the mystery.

i'm not sure if anyone has figured this out yet or not, but i'm a very literal person. i don't always pick up on jokes, particularly via text message as i can't ascertain a person's tone, and i generally assume anything a person says is as matter-of-fact as i am, not figurative at all. this can occasionally pose a problem in conversations or my understanding of a concept. this is particularly true in theology as it is such a vague and vast concept. that being said, when i am told to do something, i genuinely want to do that thing, whatever it may be, to the best of my ability and with a full understanding of that which i am doing.

so last night when we were told a large part of the Lenten season is forgiveness, i began to think about that notion. if you read through the Bible, we are told multiple times to forgive others. that's all well and good, but practically speaking, i have no idea what that means. there is no guidebook for how to do that. people quote quintessential churchy quips like "let go and let god" but really, does anyone have clue what that means in real life??? i certainly don't.

when jesus forgives us, my understanding is that it is the act of cancelling a debt owed to god because of our sin. the same understanding applies to forgiving another person, well sort of. i have a few questions about that.
1. we do not have the power to cancel another's debt before god. to think we do seems nothing short of extreme arrogance
2. even if i had that power, i still don't know what that looks like in my life.


i can sit and talk all day long about how i forgive someone's so called trespasses against me, but i still remember what the person did. i still approach the person cautiously like a child who has been bitten by a dog. so have i really forgiven the person? what is the marker for having completely forgiven someone? and if i forgive someone am i truly tasked with also forgiving the deed that begs forgiveness in the first place?

for years i struggled with the feeling that i was constantly in a state of transition, i didn't have a home exactly, and that i didn't belong anywhere really. it's an uncomfortable feeling, and i sought a sense of significance in an array of places and people. each time i came up empty, feeling more bitter and jaded with every failed venture.

now though, i have immersed myself into this incredible group of people who genuinely love others regardless of circumstance. it's a truly beautiful thing to witness. sometimes i like to just sit quietly and watch all the happenings going on around me. i'm touched when i see hundreds of people come forward to accept the holy sacrament of communion, not necessarily because of the act of taking the bread and dipping it in the wine or grape juice but because of the astounding loveliness of a multitude of people from different walks of life, different ages, different races, coming together to share a unified belief in something far greater than anything this earth can behold. to me, that is simply astounding.

last night i was invited to a prayer and worship service. i had no idea what to expect. in large part i just sat and watched and took in all that was occurring as i was nestled down in my seat in that seemingly grand room that became so small and intimate in that time. the rows of seats were spread wide apart to allow plenty of space for people to move about, but yet, despite physical distance, we all seemed so close to one another. slowly, i let my mind slip away to ponder my own thoughts and secrets. it's funny, every time i go to this church now, i could swear the pastor strategically plans each word of what he says around what is going on in my head. i'm certain it is no coincidence that here in the Lenten season i find myself part of a captive audience of people who love Christ, whereas for years i had been far away from anything even remotely resembling that. so yes kris, when you said during Lent, traditionally people would pray for the wayward souls, you might as well have been telling me that over a cup of coffee.

sometimes i want to run again because i don't want to face all my questions, but that's the easy way out. and just when i think about taking off, something amazing happens, like pastors moving through the crowd, laying hands on each individual person and praying specifically for that person. for a moment i expected to be skipped over when this happened, like i'm still not quite part of all this that's happening, but no. i sat quietly and i too was included in this beautiful act of compassion and love. and then i want to stay awhile, to be part of this thing that is so lovely. and i am tired from running, and fighting is exhausting. so i continue to sit, listen, and watch. then a peace washes over me and i can be still, even if just for a moment or two.

growing up, my mom always told me to have a teachable spirit. of course i mostly thought that applied to a willingness to learn, but as i grow older i see it applies to more than just the world of academia. i see now how this concept is applicable yes intellectually, but more so in my heart.

it's funny sometimes the seemingly unlikely places you learn things about life and about who it is you want to be. rarely do i feel that my day to day life has much of an impact on other people, and so often it seems that there is very little point in what i do. while i am grateful for my job and appreciate it tremendously, it is little more than a means. yes, i will perform any given task to the best of my ability, but in the end, it is simply a paycheck.

today though, i was given the opportunity to do something more with my life than to simply fill out spreadsheets or type up notes. today i was honored to spend my time with a group of delightful men who needed my help, and that of others there with me, to compose resumes. these men were kind, polite, intelligent, patient, and incredibly gracious. i was there to help them, but instead found that they were teaching me. Andre wanted to begin our time together in prayer. Kenneth led us all in a simple and beautiful prayer that truly displayed to me his hope and phenomenal attitude. the collective perspective on life that all of these men shared was mind blowing. they sat and encouraged one another and offered advice to their friends all while having the humility to admit that they also needed help. we were there to serve them, but they were interested in our lives and building relationships with us when it should have been us pursuing them.

a gentleman asked me why i was there. he actually thought i was in high school or maybe college. he assumed i was there only to gain course credit. as i carefully thought how i wanted to answer him though i realized there was little to think about. i was there because jesus would do the same thing. as much as i toil and fight with theology for any number of reasons whether it be my own pride or that i have legitimate questions, i cannot deny that jesus walked this earth and treated people in precisely the way i hope to do as well. in speaking with this man, Michael, i realized a small piece of that shroud that has been so tightly bound around my heart for so many years was torn away. in it's place i found compassion and love and a desire for understanding. i am truly blown away by these men and their character and integrity.

i may have written the resumes, but they in turn changed a life

Mark 8:27-34

this morning at church we were presented with the idea that jesus, the messiah, the savior, the king of the world was burdened with suffering. yes, yes, we all know jesus died on the cross. but kris made a good point when he noted that when peter called jesus "messiah" he had certain expectations that corresponded directly to that notion. It was posited that peter expected jesus, as the messiah, to have some overwhelmingly glorious victory here on earth. i can see that. perhaps it's idealistic of peter to think that, but hey, who doesn't want some unsung hero to come in and just completely obliterate the enemy camp in a burst of flames, an echoing clap of thunder, and an earth-shattering strike of lightning...all made to look like child's play as this revered king rides in upon his steed whose muscles glisten in the shadows of the fire as his nostrils flare, breathing in and out steadily...his very presence emanating an other worldly power? sounds pretty bad ass to me. ryan gosling could totally play that character in a movie.

but that isn't what happened. not at all. the one time jesus rode in anywhere on any sort of a steed, it was a donkey. granted, donkeys have sort of a quaint charm about them, but they by no means exude any sort of grandiose power. they are meek creatures, gentle, and seemingly humble. and that was jesus' preferred mode of transportation when it came time for him to make his debut as the king of the world. why? i have no idea, mostly because he's jesus and i'm not because i definitely would have had him on that horse--hair blowing in the wind, decked out in all sorts of warrior-like finery, barreling onto the scene in a blaze of glory. alas, those are the makings of a fairy tale though, and this story is nothing of the sort.

for whatever reason, jesus up and decided that there would be no blaze of glory, no horse of any kind, and, much to my dismay, no finery of any variety. instead, all of those notions were replaced with one that is completely counter intuitive to any sort of kingship i could ever dream up. jesus opted for suffering. well maybe he didn't exactly "opt" for it, but he accepted it. hell, maybe he even embraced it. i don't know. either way, jesus had a formidable future awaiting him.

my question though is quite simple. Why? why why why was suffering required? why does a "loving god" require pain and sacrifice to follow him? if i love someone, i do not ask that person to sacrifice for my sake. quite the opposite, i sacrifice for the other person, no matter the cost. so why does god ask us to sacrifice for him? why did jesus HAVE to suffer? what father asks his son to endure such excruciating pain? wouldn't a loving father instead do anything in his power to prohibit his children from being hurt? so why god? why? where is the love? why wasn't jesus all decked out and bedazzled with some lovely lady feeding him grapes and another fanning him with a banana leaf? why is it that the most kingly/servant-y event in his life was when mary washed his feet with some oil and perfume? what is there to be learned from having to endure pain in order to follow christ?

I imagine having depth perception is pretty incredible. I have never had it, nor will I ever. I see everything on a flat plane, much like a painting. Intellectually I know that everything has dimension and depth, but I am unable to actually see it. Unless you are like me in this regard, it's a somewhat difficult concept to understand, not because it is a terribly advanced idea but because it is just rather unusual.

When I paint, I have a very difficult time trying to create depth in my art. I struggle with angles and more particularly, I have the most trouble with foreshortening. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the term, foreshortening is a technique used in art to create distance and depth. For example, if I were to draw someone putting his or her hand out, the hand would be drawn larger proportionally to the body to depict it being closer to the person viewing the drawing. To the point, as an object moves away from you, it becomes smaller.

This concept applies to our lives as well. We have these experiences that seem to be nearly catastrophic when we are right in the middle of the storm, but as time passes, those experiences fade into little more than vague memories. They become a tiny dot of paint in what ultimately is a masterpiece quite like Monet's "Waterlilies".

Today I realized that in November it will be five years since I left my ex-husband. FIVE YEARS! I was somewhat shocked at this realization to be honest. I could hardly believe it. In that time so much has changed, all for the better, but it was never an easy road to take. The path was not marked clearly and there were more ebbs and flows than I might have ever thought imaginable had I not lived through it all myself. Today I can sit and write this as I look back on what once was. I vividly remember wrapping myself in blankets to sleep on the floor by the fire because I couldn't afford heat. It wasn't so long ago that the majority of my caloric intake came from a bottle Grey Goose. I can recall going out with a number of different guys searching for validation and significance only to find myself very, very alone and shattered. I remember so well throwing myself 150% into my job, not only out of financial necessity, but because work was the only thing that I could control and that gave me any sense of self-esteem. That storm seemed endless. Every single day for no less than three years was exhausting and filled with turmoil, angst, and sorrow. I remember thinking it would never end and that life would never get easier.

And life will never get easier. That much I know to be true. However, looking back through all I have endured and survived, I know that I have the strength to handle whatever life throws at me. I know now that I can and will get through any and all predicaments that come my way. I have been fortuitous enough to have been blessed with an incredible amount of strength and tenacity, and a spirit that will fight through anything. I choose my battles now more carefully. I seek out peace and often a quiet solitude. But I know now, now that the storm is a small spec of paint in the masterpiece of my life, that I can handle it, whatever it may be.

This is my hope for you all though, that you will have the wisdom to know that whatever may be weighing you down so much now will not last forever, and that you will come out on the other side better for it. You will learn and grow and be amazed at yourself. You will be able to say you have done well and accomplished much. I have no money or worldly success to speak of, but I know that I have in fact succeeded. For those of you in the storm now, wait it out. Soon enough, time will pass and you will be left with a memory.

As I try my best to navigate these uncharted waters and seek out growth, friendship, encouragement, and honesty I'm left to consider largely the issue of my own pride. I have allowed it stand in my way for so long, unwilling to even name it, much less to fight it. Yet in this season of self exploration and a desire to learn and understand, I am determined to replace that pride with humility. For someone who has had to fight a long and arduous war to make it this far, laying aside that line of defense to open myself up and make myself entirely vulnerable is no easy feat. But it is one of a great magnitude. One that I will embrace and push through with tenacity and a steadfast drive that is slow and steady yet determined. I am not one to shy away from a challenge. I do not fear tasks that seem hard and maybe even impossible. I delight in the difficulty of it all for I know in the end I will be better for it.

After a lengthy and enlightening discussion this morning, I can see that I have much yet to do in order to accomplish my goal. To become the person I desire to be I tasked with setting aside my confidence and pride and replacing it with a very real and true humility that will allow others to approach me who maybe wouldn't have in the past. I must learn to become that gentle spirit who deftly moves through the crowd and watches, listens, and learns. I must know that it is not always my time to speak, but that instead I must pay attention to others and hear what they are saying. I have to remember that we aren't all at the same stage in the game, and I cannot lose my patience for those who are unable to meet me in my arena. Instead I must meet them where they are. I cannot respond with this matter-of-fact tone that allows those who are less sure of themselves no freedom to express their own thoughts. I must learn to be slow to respond and temper my replies with compassion and understanding.

I neither think I'm particularly brilliant or unique, but I am aware that I am aged compared to most people my age. Perhaps in part due to circumstance, perhaps a dash of God given wisdom, and may be in part just the good fortune of having the ability to be honest with myself. The combination though has given me a far different frame of reference for life compared to most of my peers. In this time, I will learn to share that knowledge graciously as opposed to using it for my own benefit. That being said, I will also gladly accept insight from others and become teachable and approachable, though I have no idea what that practically looks like.