I have this box of memories that i keep tucked away under my bed. within the pastel colored cardboard confines of this otherwise uninteresting box are years of my life, and moments once forgotten, but always treasured.
you see this box has a card that my dad sent to me one year with flowers for Valentine's Day. Since then, I've received flowers on Valentine's a handful of times, but never have they meant as much as that single little card. Then there is a racquetball that I've kept for years just so I can remember my dad running around and enjoying life. There are pictures of course and some of his old cards from auto auctions. I kept this "fancy" wooden pen set he had at his desk at his dealership. I even have notepaper with old memories written down in my childish handwriting as an attempt to hold on to him forever. Then there is an old birthday card upon which he wrote a reminder to me to never forget him. certainly not the least of all these things is his Bible, well worn as his long, thin fingers used to so often flip through the pages. There are silly pictures he let me draw in the back cover of his Bible, and the front is filled with Bible verse I wrote in there as a child. And then tucked away in Isaiah, my dad's favorite book of the Bible, is a stack of his notes neatly folded, waiting on someone to come back and read them again one day.
these things are not easy to sort through, yet i'll never get rid of them no matter how many times i move and throw things out. these things i will treasure always. but as i flip through the cards and papers, i'm struck by my dad telling me to never forget him. truly i am saddened because i did not ever forget him, but for such a long time, i forgot all he taught me. i can only imagine how disappointed he might have been and how hurt.
these days though as time moves forward and i come back to what i knew all along, i am hopeful to not forget again. i am learning to wait patiently, to come to my own understanding, and to operate out of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. i have learned my lesson. hopefully in the future reminders of my dad will not be met with remorse, but with joy for knowing he would be proud.

i'm not much of one for fabricated emotion. i don't fall for romance. i've been chauffeured about in bentley's and the like. i've been the recipient of sycophantic flattery. i've had my share of flowers and fancy dates. i'm phased by none of it. i simply don't think it's real. i'm so much happier, delighted even, by completely direct honesty and quality time and conversation shared over something as simple as a cup of coffee. i just don't go for the hollywood version of love. i want something real.

but this is where, for so long, i've had such difficulty with the church. for years i've thought of church as well, to borrow a term from a friend, a "god mart" of sorts. everything is produced. the lights, cameras, music, videos, etc. i felt as though there was a copious amount of meaningless pageantry, but as long as you showed up wearing the right pair of jeans, you were in the right spot.

that kind of thing just isn't my scene. i remember the days when i was consumed by what i was wearing and what i looked like. now though, i'm doing really well to actually run a brush through my hair. appearances just aren't high on my list of priorities. the thing about is though, Jesus wasn't too concerned about them either.

no, in fact Jesus admonished those who did good deeds only for the notoriety. quite the opposite really. he instead revered those who quietly performed charitable and honorable acts. those are the people, the ones who didn't care how they appeared to others who were the most Christlike. that's one of the things i'm fond of in regards to Jesus and how he perceived people.

but in the church, there is all this show. it's loud, sometimes even abrasive and almost garish at times. all the sights and sounds elicit these overwhelming emotions of sorrow, remorse, joy, or even grief or guilt. recently though i read a book that talked about the history behind a large portion of religious traditions. i gained a new respect for them...the meaningful customary ones though, not the silly rock concerts churches try to have each week. i can appreciate that in large part people took part in traditions to separate themselves as a nation, and to form an identity. isn't that what we all want? to be identified in some deep and meaningful way? to belong to a group? and to have a purpose?

i paint so people ask if i'm an artist. i love music so people assume i love musicians (which to be fair, i used to but learned my lesson.) i work in project management yet i don't find an identity there, nor is it in my friends or anything else like that. no, i've learned that behind all these customs and traditions is an identity rooted in Jesus Christ. and that is where i'm learning to find my identity as well. not in works or appearances or societal classes, but in the one who went against the grain and treated people well, with kindness, love, and respect.

the more i sit and quietly watch, the more in awe i become of it all. i remember not long ago sitting in the midst of all these people and being either very irritated, or else thinking they were just flat out ridiculous for their silly piety and lack of reason and logic.
now? well now i can hardly take my eyes off of each of their lovely faces. brown eyes, green, blue, and grey. blonde, brunette, and fiery red hair. tall and short, slender and stout. each and every one beautiful in his or her own way. and the most beautiful part of it all? the fact that all of these individual people are able to come together peacefully and share a unified belief in a God of grace, mercy, and love.
every Sunday i watch each person walk forward to take communion. i'm truly struck by the profound nature of this act. not merely the taking of bread and drinking of wine, but by the unity exemplified by this action. i'm not skilled in estimating numbers much of any sort, but i'd guess there are several hundred people who come forth just during one service on a sunday. where else can you find so many different personalities, ideologies, philosophies, and walks of life come together in peaceful harmony? sure, there may be discrepancies over politics and societal issues. of course not everyone agrees on all aspects even of the bible; however, they can all stand and say they believe in a God who saves. a God who grants grace and mercy freely, and a God whose love endures forever. that alone is pretty compelling argument i think.
i know i should sit with my eyes closed and pray during communion, but really, i just tear my eyes away from that beautiful vision. it's similar to walking into a museum and being overcome by the astounding work of a brilliant artist, yet this is far more tangible. it is real. this isn't something fabricated.
maybe one day i'll stop watching, but i hope not. i hope to never grow hardened or apathetic to such a remarkable event. i hope to always find it as overwhelming, awe-inspiring, and all encompassing as i do a deep melodious song or a hauntingly emotional painting.

one of the things that has helped me come to a new understanding is the following quote from Bishop N.T. Wright...
"The arts are not the pretty but irrelevant bits around the border of reality. They are highways into the center of a reality which cannot be glimpsed, let alone grasped, any other way. The present world is good, but broken and in any case incomplete; art of all kinds enables us to understand that paradox in its many dimensions."
Additionally he states that, "It is central to Christian living that we should celebrate the goodness of creation, ponder its present brokenness, and, insofar as we can, celebrate in advance the healing of the world, the new creation itself. Art, music, literature, dance, theater, and many other expressions of human delight and wisdom can all be explored in new ways."
what an inspiring notion. i shall follow his lead :)

i've been learning a lot lately, about humility, beauty, history, relationships...the list goes on, and in the end, all roads lead back what i've been searching for all along-the freedom to live my life, ask my questions, pursue beauty, and to love. and to my own awe and delight, it seems perhaps i've found it. yes, my questions will go on for the rest of my life. i'm a curious girl. i like to ponder ideas and concepts and explore alternative ways of thinking. i believe there is much to be learned in doing so. but i can sit here now and write this because i finally laid down my sword; laid it down and walked far away from it. i learned to choose my battles and that fighting against a God who would create such lovely people, such intriguing history, and beautiful sounds and sights to behold, just isn't worth it. i ran and fought for too long. i hope to let go of all i've kept so close and tight that has prohibited me from experiencing this freedom to the fullest extent. i am glad to find a place to belong and to learn along side such loving, compassionate, wise, and brilliant people. some may call it good fortune. i don't think so though. i think it was the strategy all along. i was just too prideful and self-absorbed to realize it.
i am a quick study. once i learn something, i get it. i may not always be able to describe it verbally, but in my own mind and heart it clicks. such is the case with this. there are no words that i know to clearly describe what i've learned, the understanding i've gained, but it is there. locked in. i get it. so thank you to you all who have walked alongside me, patiently waiting, letting me fight, and letting me come to my own terms with this all. your patience and love have played an insurmountable role in my experience thus far, and i look forward to continue learning with you all.

More and more lately I keep coming to the realization that, well...i'm an asshole. i am impatient to no end. and yes, i see the irony in that phrase. i am rarely very mindful of how my actions can affect others as i fully operate under the assumption that the world is in fact my oyster and i'll do as i please. that being said, i'm selfish. i am horribly intolerant of others and lack the understanding to give people grace and mercy for where they are in their lives when it doesn't match up to my expectations. i generally say what i please when i please with little concern for whether or not it may hurt someone's feelings, and if it does, i have no frame of reference as to why.

these ultimately are actions. those actions though are indicative of something greater, the state of my heart. as i left small group tonight, my initial reaction was one of disdain and really discomfort. of course i then thought "i came and tried it and that's that. i'm out." well again, i'll reiterate, i'm an asshole. the girls in that group are lovely and welcoming, warm and hospitable, kind and compassionate. and yet i somehow derive from all those amazing attributes that i'm far above this little weekly meeting. ahh this pride of mine. i thought for so long that it served me well, and yet i see now how instead it has become the master and not me.

i see that humility and peace are the things i should seek in my pursuit of God. i don't mean that sort of false humility either that more so resembles self deprecation. i mean sincere and honest humility. i mean a peace that requires me to shut my mouth and listen instead of asking questions; to break down the barricades that i thought so strategically guarded my heart. to be still and patient. to learn kindness and compassion. yes, these are the things i need to learn. not because i'm too hard on myself, but because i'd rather be honest and address the root of the problem instead of pretending it isn't there at all

someone recently mentioned being shocked that i have time for my art, whether it's writing or painting. i realize i'm generally incredibly busy, to the point that i'm not fond of it myself. however, i make time for those things that are important to me.
as i've begun to immerse myself back into church, i've forced myself to get involved and meet people and essentially make a new life. i'm engaging with people that before, i'd probably never even noticed. i am pursuing relationships that in the past would have eluded me much to my pleasure.
here i sit now though, tired, but delighted to have all of these new ventures before me. why? well, it's way out of reach from my comfort zone. that alone is a good thing. more importantly though, these people can help me see the things i've been longing for over the past years. they will sit and talk through my questions with me. they will earnestly pray for me, not to change who i am, but to help me understand and come to live a life of fullness and freedom. it isn't far off i know. i can see the chinks in my armor. i can feel the weight of the world slowly falling off my shoulders. no longer do i feel the need to simply shrug in order to bear the weight of a single day.
so here i am in pursuit of something more. desiring peace, compassion, and agape love. i am overwhelmed by the mercy and grace shown to me. i can see it clearly. for so long i've thought i'm just one of those people who endears herself to others in such a way that they feel compelled to grant me favor, but no, that is mercy...undeserved and unwarranted favor...granted upon me by a God who looks out for me even when i'm in the midst of a storm--even when that storm seems to never end.
the older i get though, the more i like, and even embrace those storms. it's the ebbs, not the flows, of life that are so lovely. the downs are the times when your character is developed and tested. the ups...not so much. it is for that reason that i prefer the sour to the sweet. i stand by the notion too that you can't have the sweet without the sour. well said Jason Lee. hopefully you all realize that's a reference to the movie vanilla sky :)

anyway, as time passes, i'm slowly coming around. the cold, hard steel that once surrounded my heart is melting away with the warmth of love provided by the body of christ...a body that spans as far as the east is from the west.