Chic Flicks and Reality

I just watched The Holiday. Yeah, that movie with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. It is no doubt a chic flick. To my own surprise, I actually own this movie. I think it fits somewhere in between Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and American Psycho. Anyway, I had a distinct purpose in watching it. I am trying to convince myself that in fact, that kind of love...chic flick love, can indeed occur in real life.
I started with that movie. I didn't think I was quite ready for The Notebook just yet. See, I'm a cynic. Recently that cold, hard shell has been melting away, but some things happened over Thanksgiving that put those walls right back up. I'm trying to peel them back down again. I have a dear friend who is helping to do that. He's really quite convincing that in fact people, real people not movie characters, do actually love other people with wreckless abandon and passion, and that this love those people share is truly unconditional, that they respect each other, and honor, cherish, protect, uplift, and adore each other as well. I find it hard to believe. He's instilling some hope in me yet though and chipping away at the walls guarding my heart every time he tries to convince me that it's true. He's so sure of it, so positive that this is in fact reality. It's terribly difficult for me to understand. His zeal and certainty are such compelling arguments though. How can I not at least try to believe?

The Road Less Traveled

I so very often speak of choosing the road less taken...a reference to the poem by Robert Frost. What I mean by it is that I want to take the high road. I want to choose to be great, because being great is in fact a choice. I hope to be someone that other people view as a woman of virtue, who chooses Christ every time. I pray that when I come under attack, I will react in love and compassion. I hope to see people the way Christ sees them and in doing so understand why they do the things they do. I want to be someone people trust and respect. I want to choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. I want to emulate Christ in all that I say and do. I want my attitude to reflect the joy that Christ has given me.

So, should I find myself standing in a yellow wood, I hope to take the path that is grassy and wanting wear.

Perspective

I read an interesting article on Foxnews today. The article was a comparison of the value of the US dollar to other foreign currencies, in fact, not just any other foreign currencies, but the 10 worst currencies in the world. By worst, I mean that these other monetary units have the lowest value in the world. Now this comparison was intended to sort of assuage America's self pity during this difficult financial time, but with me, it had quite the opposite effect. You see, Zimbabwe is the poorest country in the world. One single American dollar is worth 642,371,437,695,221,000 Zimbabwean dollars.

Don't believe me? Read it for yourselves... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,453526,00.html

After reading that and having to sit there and use my finger to count the commas separating all those numbers so I could figure out how to verbally say that huge number aloud, I was stunned. I mean really, I could not, and really still cannot, wrap my mind around what it must be like in Zimbabwe. I mean, here I sit in my cozy queen size bed complete with feather bed, super soft blanket, down comforter, and let's not forget the 600 thread count sheets; yet, a plane ride away, people can't even afford an egg. Read the article! It's astounding.

This afternoon I received a text message from a friend asking if I had a good day. I gave an immediate response saying that my day wasn't bad at all. Then I started thinking about my day, really thinking about it. You want to know the worst part of my day? My i-pod broke. Right, my 80G i-pod that currently has 5000 songs a few seasons of some TV shows, and a few podcasts is now kaput. Wow. That's it. Well, that, and I burned my hand on a flat iron. I'm really crashing and burning huh? Please note the sarcasm there.

In reality, my day was awesome. I was clothed, and not only did I wear clothes, but they were clean, fit correctly, even wore designer jeans, and I had a multitude of options as to what I wanted to wear this morning when I went to my closet. Next up, I have a car to drive to work which also means I have a job which implies that I make money which allows me to buy 3 meals a day (more should I so desire to explore the great American trends of gluttony and greed). I could keep going, but I'm pretty sure that by this point, you all somewhat understand what it is that I'm driving at here.

Thank God that I have all of these wonderful things. I should find it terribly difficult to complain.

A Little About Me...

So, last night I was talking to a friend of mine-someone whom I respect very much and care about quite a bit as well. An incident occurred at which point I felt the need to apologize...about seventy million times. Well, that's exaggerated a bit...it was more like 4 times in reality. My friend was a bit irritated with my incessant and unnecessary apologizing. I explained that I truly was sorry though, and it's part of being a people pleaser...never want to upset anyone. Then I said that this particular isn't always the easiest to talk to because it seems as though he or she might get annoyed easily and I don't ever want to be the cause of that annoyance. Now really, where was the voice of reason here to slap me around and tell me to shut up? Man, I wish you could buy something like that at Target...you know, aisle 5 for a swift kick in the pants. That would be handy.

Anyway, back to the real point here...

I started thinking this morning about that whole ordeal. You know, my friend was correct when he said "I'm pretty sure I never just get mad at you." Correct. In fact, this friend has never been anything but incredibly nice to me, patient, kind, caring, fun, and sweet even. Way to go me for blame shifting huh? Nice, really nice.

So, I started to really look within myself and see why I would react that way...the apologizing, the whole deal. Here's the thing, first of all, I need to shut up more often. Seriously. I just need to lock it up. I also need to realize that this people pleasing thing I've got going on isn't so awesome sometimes. It can actually be a downfall. I need to quit apologizing for things I didn't do or over which I have no control.

Now why did I just assert some of the responsibility on my friend? Well, because sometimes I'm an idiot. See, "the ex" had a way of imposing his expectations on other people. He also was rather terse and easily angered. I suppose I've been a bit conditioned to constantly apologize. Now I'm shifting blame again I realize. Give me a minute though. Another thing that occurred with great regularity was that I was constantly wrong, told I was a silly little girl, that I had pipe dreams, that I wasn't very wise, and basically made to feel like a worthless fool with little intellectual capacity. Now I'll take blame. I know that all of that is untrue. I didn't for a long time. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Now that I understand the reality of the situation though, it's time I own up to the repercussions of believing that crap too. Is this making any sense? Seriously, someone weigh in here.

I guess all that to say, I am sorry, but not sorry for the initial issue last night. Sorry for being an idiot and succumbing to lies from my past and reacting to my friend as though he were anything like "the ex" when in fact he's nothing like that. He's WAY better, in every way imaginable.

Drowning

A friend of mine is drowning. Not in the literal sense, but she is drowning in her own fear, anguish, sorrow, damaged self esteem, and in a pool of alcohol used to try to cover it all up and make it go away.

I'm standing on the outskirts of all of this, watching and waiting, knowing that soon enough, I will need to be there to help pull her from the waves and drag her to shore. I was a lifeguard for years. I learned to rescue all different types of drowning victims. I am waiting on this friend to become a passive victim. I hope that she will stop fighting and give in and allow God to save her. I will fight with her for as long as it takes, but I too grow weary.

Lord, please, make her passive. Take her down, knock her out, whatever it takes to get her to the point at which she has no option but to choose you...to choose life, and to choose love. Give me the endurance to withstand this fight. I cannot, and I will not walk away. Not now, not ever. Her heart and her life is yours. She is worth the arduous battle. I know you have plans for her...great plans, for you have promised that. I know too, that if she were not achieving for you an eternal glory, Satan would not hold onto her with such ferocious tenacity. Make your greatness known Lord. Destroy this stronghold. Free her from her pain. Breathe into her new life. Give her love...the redeeming love that only YOU can offer. God, do this. I beg of you.

Times are changing...

So, this Saturday my mom is getting married. Wow. If anyone reading this knows me, then you probably also know that my mom has, up until now, been a widow for over 14 years. This whole business of her getting married is HUGE.

Since I found out she got engaged, I have experienced a great range of emotions--from complete shock, to being overjoyed, to feeling very displaced and insignificant, to feeling fear, then back to being very happy for her, immediately loving her fiancee, and striving to fill the role of the cool big sister to my new little brother. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the last few months. I have been exhausted physically and emotionally. I have sought after my place and my purpose in this world. I have worked so hard to gain an understanding of who it is precisely that I am supposed to be, and I have battled with thoughts of not ever being good enough to obtain a love like that which my mom found after patiently waiting over 14 years after my dad was torn from her life for no apparent reason.

In short, you should all be up to speed at this point on what my life has looked like most recently. The last point, regarding my battle to realize that I do in fact deserve that holy type of love, is the most recent. In fact, just as recently as last night a war was waging in my head over this issue.

I see my life as a one with a few pretty rough spots. I realize that what I may think of as difficult is all relative in the grand scheme of things, but some of the things I experienced had quite an impact on my self image. This has impeded my relationship with Christ in the past, but I think that now it only serves to strengthen that relationship as I have learned that only He can wholly love me and see me as blameless and pure. He is the only one who can fill the loneliness and emptiness left by years of anguish and self doubt.

Now, as I lay here on my bed typing this, I am at a new place yet again. I believe that I am worth the cost. I have value past filling some physical desire for a man, past my deeds, past my appearance. I am at peace with who I am. At last. Take it or leave it. I am me.

VOTE!!!

Do your civic duty. Be responsible. VOTE! And for heaven's sake, please vote for a candidate who actually has a shot at winning. :)

Elevate

Our country is headed for a drastic change. We face a great amount of adversity, particularly as Christians. It appears that our faith is going to be greatly challenged and that we shall be persecuted for it. So, as men and women of the church, it is our duty and our privilege to stand up fight for what is right, to speak the truth, and to be mavericks in this society--choosing greatness, choosing to do what is right because it's right, and to be unapologetic about the word of our God. Our faith may at times be offensive, and we cannot sugar coat reality for fear of hurting someone's feelings. There is right, and there is wrong. As Christians, we need to take a stand and tenaciously hold fast to the truth of our God.

We need great men to become the warriors God has created them to be. We need them to stand firm and go into battle, for they are already more than conquerors. Lead the way and take a stand for all that is holy and righteous. Do not be afraid.

As women, it is our responsibility to elevate these men and instill in them a sense of confidence that they can in fact do all things through Christ who strengthens them. It is our job to respect them so as not to immasculate them. They need to be lifted up in prayer and strengthened by words of affirmation. This fight is arduous, and these great men will need refuge and comfort, and in our words and support they should readily find it. Never should they feel as though they are alone in this battle. They constantly need to be encouraged and lifted up on wings like eagles. The cause is serious, and the women of the church need to rise up and fight for this necessary change. Do not be afraid. Pray for endurance, wisdom, and discernment. Choose to be great. Choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. Pursue righteousness, and defend all that is good and holy. Join with me in elevating these men to send them out into the world in the armor of God.