Times are changing...

So, this Saturday my mom is getting married. Wow. If anyone reading this knows me, then you probably also know that my mom has, up until now, been a widow for over 14 years. This whole business of her getting married is HUGE.

Since I found out she got engaged, I have experienced a great range of emotions--from complete shock, to being overjoyed, to feeling very displaced and insignificant, to feeling fear, then back to being very happy for her, immediately loving her fiancee, and striving to fill the role of the cool big sister to my new little brother. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the last few months. I have been exhausted physically and emotionally. I have sought after my place and my purpose in this world. I have worked so hard to gain an understanding of who it is precisely that I am supposed to be, and I have battled with thoughts of not ever being good enough to obtain a love like that which my mom found after patiently waiting over 14 years after my dad was torn from her life for no apparent reason.

In short, you should all be up to speed at this point on what my life has looked like most recently. The last point, regarding my battle to realize that I do in fact deserve that holy type of love, is the most recent. In fact, just as recently as last night a war was waging in my head over this issue.

I see my life as a one with a few pretty rough spots. I realize that what I may think of as difficult is all relative in the grand scheme of things, but some of the things I experienced had quite an impact on my self image. This has impeded my relationship with Christ in the past, but I think that now it only serves to strengthen that relationship as I have learned that only He can wholly love me and see me as blameless and pure. He is the only one who can fill the loneliness and emptiness left by years of anguish and self doubt.

Now, as I lay here on my bed typing this, I am at a new place yet again. I believe that I am worth the cost. I have value past filling some physical desire for a man, past my deeds, past my appearance. I am at peace with who I am. At last. Take it or leave it. I am me.