Elegy

I've borrowed the title from one of my most favorite movies, in fact, it is quite possibly my favorite movie ever. I think it chronicles the most lovely and poignant story I've seen or heard in some time.
There is a bit in the film in which the main character's best friend tells about his theory on beautiful women. He says that "Beautiful women are invisible[...] that we [people] are so dazzled by their beautiful exterior that we don't even see what's within." As melancholy and dramatic as this may seem, I believe it to be quite true. There are people in the world, not only women but men too, who are in fact exquisite, artwork in and of themselves, as though their only reason for being created was for the rest of us to stop and stare. I don't mean you're typical sort of model or actress. No, I mean those people who simply take your breath away and command a second, third, or even fourth glance because they're so lovely you think it can't possibly be real.
I wonder though, what is it like hiding beneath that shell. It must be quite lonely as people seemingly so unattainable are rarely ever pursued for anything more than some gratuitous escapade. I'm certain though that there must be much more depth beneath that most lovely facade. So I wonder, what sort of person is tenacious enough to pursue that hidden mystery? What must it take to gently chip away at the shell of a Faberge egg in order to discover the secret within? And how great must that love be?

To be Loved

Recently a friend of mine gave me a quote, which I'm sure to misquote actually, but the gist of it is something along the lines of being sure to surround oneself with people who truly celebrate and love him or her as opposed to merely tolerating the person. This thought is something I've carried closely in my thoughts lately as I have evaluated various relationships in my life. The idea of someone actually celebrating all of my quirks and idiosyncrasies is one I can barely grasp as I generally feel as though I'm little more than a novelty...a play thing that loses its luster quite rapidly, only to be tossed aside for the next best thing.

I was explaining that to a very dear friend of mine earlier this lovely evening and his response was one of shock. He looked at me in disbelief as I detailed why I have come to this conclusion. Yes, I know this seems like a "woe is me" sort of tale, but it's about to take a turn. At that point in the conversation my friend tells me he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me. He tells me again when we leave that he loves me very much. And that friends, is the loveliest thing. Why? Because I know he means it...every ounce of it. That was a most sincere comment, and one that will always be held dear. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of this Christmas season, I am fully convinced being the recipient of one true love is the greatest gift of all.

on a night like this...

my heart truly is broken. i sit here in the comfort of my pillowy, plush bed with a heavy heart as the father of one of my dearest friends has passed away. i know that she now sits alone in a hotel room with a heart full of hurt, pain, questioning, shock, relief, anger, and frustration. selfishly i want to get in my car and drive to her immediately if for no other reason than to sit in that hotel room with her. but that is for my sake, so i can feel as though i am doing something to comfort her in a tangible way since i am four hours away geographically. realistically, i know it makes no difference whether i am there in person or not though. at the end of the day, the pain is hers. nothing i can say or do will take it away or even lessen it at all. and selfishly, that is the hardest part for me.

she asked me if it ever gets easier...not having a dad. the truth is, for me at least, it hurts less over time. well most days that's true anyway. overall though, it's never easier. it has been over 16 years since my dad died, and i will always miss him. i think of him every day. and not one day goes by when i don't wish he were still here with me. but yes, generally, it hurts less. like my friend said of her father, at least mine is no longer in pain.

but oh god why did this happen while she is away with no one geographically close enough to her to go and be with her? no one should have to handle this in such solitude. lord i hope she knows she is not alone. i know that it hurts most at night in still, quiet darkness. i know too though that i found the most comfort in that place. i was able to be truly alone to deal with the hurt and angst in my own time and in my own way. i cried myself to sleep for months...maybe years. i don't remember exactly. but that solitude was the only place i could truly break down and feel the emotions that transpired out of that ordeal. i hope the same for my beloved friend. i hope and pray that she finds peace in the quiet solitude. my god i hope she is able to rest there and lay down her burden. please god if you are there, hear her cries and give her comfort and rest from this, the most painful thing she has yet to endure in her life

It's the pushing and pulling and never let me go-ing...it's this restlessness that never dies. Stay, leave, rest, run. Which is it I wonder or which should it be or which will it ever be? If I run will I find what I think I'm missing? If I stay will I always miss it? Or is it that no matter what, I will always be missing something...or perhaps someone?

As it is, I feel like I'm floating in a holding pattern with only the clouds to keep me company. But even there in the beautiful, soft greyness, is still this overwhelming stuckness. Maybe the stuckness is stuck inside my head though. Perhaps it isn't real. Perhaps it's just the drowsy effect of the thick, cozy cloud cover hanging drearily from the heavy sky.

I by no means grew up in any sort of slum or third world country, nor did I grow up filthy rich with every advantage afforded to me. I had a normal family with a median income, 2 dogs, and a cat. I suppose it was the traditional American dream,
When my dad died, at least for me anyway, that dream shattered. Really I know I reference this often, but it was an earth-shattering experience in my life. It was a bit more over the top than your everyday ebb and flow. And ever since, things simply have not come easy. I don't say that to sound tragic or dramatic, it simply is a fact. Up until very recently I have worked at least two jobs and no less than 70 hours a week...for over the past decade. Given that I'm only 30...that seems like a terribly long time. However, that is the least of my concerns. I don't mind hard work. In fact, I rather like it as I think it builds character and integrity.
My issue rather is with relationships. Even in the middle of very messy and long, drawn out divorce, I still found myself trying to remain calm and non-reactionary, and to maintain some semblance of grace and dignity. Even in a trying time like that when truly it felt as though the weight of the world had alighted quite abruptly on my shoulders, I found myself mustering up every bit of strength I had to be strong, not just for myself, but for others. I've since learned that sometimes being strong also means have the capability to completely fall apart...as much as I hate to admit that. But in relationships, yes with guys, I have tried to be honest, open, kind, fair, compassionate, and patient. Yet no matter what I do it seems I cannot manage to come out on top.
Let me run down a list. We'll start with the narcissistic ex-husband. Not my finest moment. He was followed up by a guy we'll call the finger-tip pimp. I stole that name from my buddy Chris Price. Anyway, said pimp was a real charmer in on-line chats and emails...oddly even sent me pictures of engagement rings and the like...only to find out he was dating about 5 girls at the same time. Cool huh? Next up was...oh yeah, the needy one who was incredibly kind and fun but tried too hard to be something he wasn't and tried even harder to make our relationship work when clearly it just wasn't going to pan out. Lesson from that one...if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not entirely certain of your feelings toward that someone you probably needs to bail out of that relationship on the fly. Quite simply, if you don't know, you know. Anyway, that guy was followed up by this fellow who charmed me with his wit and sarcasm only to turn out to be a legit drug dealer. Considering I don't want to end up like Penelope Cruz in Blow I obviously had to put the kibosh on that one real quick. Bummer though, he was super fun. Post drug dealer along came this very handsome fellow I met at a wedding. He was unassuming certainly, but incredibly fun. He had me at the suspenders he sported to the wedding too I might add. I suppose it may have seemed an unusual match...me with a more simplistic guy, but that's part of what I liked about him. He was the opposite of me. REALLY the opposite...like ended up hardly talking to me and certainly wasn't honest with me...and I'm guilty of being brutally honest. That has ended actually with the two of us as roommates in a place he hates in a part of the city that I love. He's miserable, and now I'm kind of mad at him whereas at one point I felt sorry for him. Now though, I think I've just been used for the last year. Not awesome. I've hung out with a few people since-one is kind of psycho and definitely controlling, the other is just plain fun. At this point, I don't even care what the fun guy's intentions are. Why? Because he's fun. And until Adrian Brody comes to sweep me off my feet, I think I'm settling for fun in any way, shape, or form.
Enough with the relationships where I have to be the strong one, the honest one, the level headed one. Enough. I want fun and whimsy and carefree. I want that seemingly easy life for a little while. I don't want to work quite so hard, just for a bit. I think it might be nice if for once someone took care of me.

Perfect timing? Not so sure....

It's funny isn't it how supposedly God gives you who and what you need when you need them or it as the case may be? But I wonder if the timing is as accurate as some people believe.
I say this because in the last...eh...two years or so, I've made some amazing friends. I wonder how my life may have turned out differently had they been around for all the muck and mire of my past. My best friend alone is the only one to truly endure the mess with me and hold my hand as I toiled through through the sludge that was my life. Aside from her there were others, but she is the closest to me both geographically and emotionally and therefore endured the brunt of the storm. I can't help but think that perhaps I wouldn't be so cynical and jaded at times had I also had the blessing of these other friends to come alongside me when in the past when I needed them most. If that's the case...how can one rest in the knowledge that God's timing is perfect when it doesn't seem so perfect at all?

Not the One

It is a strange feeling to realize that you in fact are not the person you thought you might be. What I mean is that it's terribly strange to think that you're the girl who finally got the guy when in fact you haven't got him at all. This is my own personal conundrum at present. I suppose I'm too be grateful for coming to this resolution prior to making any further commitments, but nevertheless, I am awfully disappointed. I know I sound like a silly little girl, but really, I did in fact love him...and to not be loved in return is at a minimum hurtful.
This leaves me wondering though, will I ever be the one? Or am I destined to always be, well, not the one?

Home

I have this fascination with the concept of being home. It seems like such a foreign concept to me as I don't feel like I've had a home per se in many years. Yes I have had a dwelling, but that isn't the same. In my topsy-turvy life there have been several events that have resulted in me ultimately feeling homeless though and quite alone despite the fact that I have been blessed with a plethora of friends. Yes I have a loving family, but geography aside, sometimes we are all just distant from one another. I don't always have the easiest time connecting to my mom, and I miss my brother terribly, but he's not generally easily accessible. I know the old adage about home is where the heart is, and perhaps that is the case. If so, where is my heart? And how do you know when you finally truly find a safe place worth keeping your heart in anyway? I've tried quite a few times to set my heart in the hands of one whom I thought might actually care for it well, only to be sorely disappointed each time. To my own dismay, this only results in me becoming more and more independent, jaded, guarded, and cynical. I keep people at arms length and I am very detached. These are not good attributes, of that I'm fully aware. Changing them though...ah, how do you break the effects of conditioning and need for survival? How do I do that so that I can eventually one day find a place to call my home?

Is not knowing knowing?

I have this opinion that in relationships no one wants to be the one to hurt the other person, so when it comes time to have a serious discussion about the relationship's state of affairs, the easy answer is "I don't know". It's been my experience that this answer is in fact the culmination of all the questions, fears, and doubts that a relationship produces, and it in fact is in and of itself the answer. If you don't know how you feel about a person, then I'm of the opinion that you are in fact certain that said person just isn't the one for you. If there were no doubt about your personal feelings toward someone, wouldn't you readily say "I love you" or "You're the one I want"? I can't imagine being hopelessly in love with someone and only saying "i don't really know how I feel." Of course I know! I love you! It's a no brainer. There shouldn't even be room for debate.

At my age...almost 31 now...I simply cannot sit around waiting for months or years on end for someone to figure out whether or not I just might be the one he wants. You either want me or you don't. And my feelings won't be hurt either way, but please, have the courtesy to respect my time. Don't waste it on your not knowing.

Free to breathe

I was sitting home alone last night flipping through an old, barely used journal. I had written in only maybe 3 pages so I decided to read those pages and see what had been going on at the time. The funny part is that the notes were from almost exactly a year ago. They were from the beginning of August 2010. At that time, I had just obliterated my ex-husband in court for being in contempt following him intentionally putting our house in foreclosure to ruin my credit. Let me tell you, it felt amazing when that judge told him to grow up and be a man and accept responsibility for his actions. The less awesome part is that to enforce the judge's ruling it would cost me thousands of more dollars that I don't have, nor do I care to spend dealing with someone as pathetic and worthless as my ex. Those words sound harsh? Good. They should. It's fitting.

In the midst of all my courtroom drama, financial stress, and constantly working at 2 jobs, one which I loved and one that I abhorred, I was left feeling as though I might suffocate at any given moment. There wasn't a second of peace to be found anywhere. No respite for the weary and brokenhearted. The win in court was worthless. I still got hit with the foreclosure, ruined credit, and thousands of dollars of debt to pay off all thanks to my delightful ex-husband. Then my car died. Then a car I borrowed from my mom got totaled. It literally was just one thing after another. Never enough money. Never enough time. And barely enough air to breathe.

But it's over now. Really it is. I'm on the cusp of something great. Something that just might resemble a real life. A new house, new car, and new job...all within a few months. And here I sit a year later ready to take on the world. Finally it's my turn to get what I have been working so hard to earn for so many years. I can really and truthfully walk away from all the bullshit of the last few years and let out a sigh of relief. Like in the book, finally I am able to just shrug. :)

Compassion or Selfishness...

It is a strange and touchy subject to address, but I think voluntary euthanasia has some merit. I know, I know. All of you extreme right wing conservatives are about to lost your cool. That's fine. You're entitled to your opinion. I ask you though, what would you do if you were faced with a situation in which a loved one were incapacitated, had no quality of life, no hope for a cure, and he or she willingly and coherently were actively choosing to die? Could you, in good conscience, refuse the person's autonomous decision purely for the sake of your own personal beliefs? Is that not terribly selfish?

See, sometimes, in certain very particular situations, I think that perhaps this may in fact be the kindest most compassionate act possible. I say this not with an uninformed or inexperienced perspective. I say this because had I been old enough to fully understand the extreme suffering my own father must have endured up to his very last breath, I would have chosen to allow him to die peacefully instead. Never would I wish anyone to writhe in pain as he or she fought for a tiny gasp of air, only to end up suffocating to death on a hospital bed. It is a cold and cruel day when that happens. I believe it to be far kinder to allow the person in pain to quietly slip away in his or her sleep instead.

It's a slippery slope I know when you appear to condone such an act. I wouldn't dare say that I am for euthanasia across the board. Not at all actually. I think though that in a few rare cases that may in fact be the most selfless act of all. Because it hurts to let someone go. It is painful beyond belief. But so much better in the end than holding on to the shell of whom the person once was.

The New Status Quo?

It's not earth shattering news (anymore) that Casey Anthony was acquitted yesterday essentially of all charges associated with the death of her little girl Caylee. Yes, yes, the masses still think she's guilty despite the fact that the case against her was based on little more than circumstantial evidence. I know people all over the country are in an uproar. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that this girl may soon wish she had been found guilty just so she doesn't have to deal with a public that doesn't care at all about what our judicial system handed down as a verdict.

The age old line is "innocent until proven guilty". Well, Miss Anthony was not at all proven guilty. Say what you will but let's face it, the prosecutor had very little to work with here to prove his case and the jury could hardly sentence a woman to death based on pretty much nothing more than speculation.

Here is where my confusion comes into play though. I keep reading comments from people and hearing things like "she'll get hers in eternity". Well, what if there is nothing for her to get? Really, no one will ever know what happened to that little girl. So who are we to assume, AFTER this girl has been found innocent in a court of law, that she is still guilty and will pay for her transgressions amidst hellfire and brimstone?? Besides, isn't that also to ASSUME that she is not a Christian? (If you do believe the Christian doctrine that only accepting Christ as your savior grants you passage into heaven.) Is it now the accepted policy to make assumptions about people and damn them to hell when they've not been found guilty of a crime? Also, if this girl did kill her daughter, and let's say she is a Christian and follows Jesus Christ, does that mean her salvation is nullified? I can't see how that's possible. The way I understood salvation growing up in the church is that it isn't conditional, but now maybe it is?

Either way, I think I like my idea of Jesus better anyway. The one I believe in forgives and loves and washes away our sins no matter how terrible they may be. As for Miss Anthony...let the woman alone. I imagine living the rest of her life without that little girl is far worse punishment than anything anyone could do to her anyway.

Lately I've been thinking very hard about geography. I don't mean so much in the sense of what is the capital of Germany and exactly how many countries are there since the end of what we knew as the USSR when I was in school. I'm referring more to geography and how it relates to personal happiness. By the way though, does anyone even vaguely know how many countries there are now in what was the USSR???

Back to my original thought though...

In my own life I strongly associate my geographical location to my happiness quotient, in fact I allow it to directly affect it, rightly or wrongly so. Now like anyone else, I have many, many memories linked to my geography, but I feel as though my memories here in Georgia are overshadowed by what I will refer to as the Black Plague. Most of my time in this fair city has been spent fighting, crying, and simply trying to survive, so the fun memories, despite whatever score they may have received on the funness scale, kind of get lost in the shuffle. That being said, I think I have explained well enough my desire to leave this land of muck and mire.

I wonder though what would happen if I did. You see, I often believe people wish to move places, well move BACK to places, simply because of the memories they associate with those places. I don't think actually moving back to an old familiar place is all it's cracked up to be. Actually, I think it would incredibly disappointing because nothing is ever the same once you leave. I think those old familiar places are good to visit, but that ultimately they should be kept safe in the caverns of our minds where we can retreat to them when we feel sad or lonely or just need a good daydream.

That being said, is it better to keep the idea of a new place locked safely away in my mind so that I have that hope and that daydream? Or am I erring in not chasing after my dream? Would I just be brokenhearted to pursue my dream and find reality doesn't live up to the ideas in my head? I just don't know sometimes. And this is the hardest dream for me to give up I must admit. The idea of kissing NYC goodbye draws a tear every time I think of it, but is it for the best? The good and right things are not always easy. Is it better, despite the difficulty, to stay here and continually fight against that Plague?

Tree of Life

I saw the movie Tree of Life this weekend, and as someone who is generally pretty open minded and quite welcoming to the art world and that of profound thought and philosophical fodder, my overall opinion of the movie is that it is terrible. Harsh? Yeah, I know, but typical of myself. I'd be more forgiving had they at least disclosed in the previews that National Geographic apparently contributed over 45 minutes of footage to the film...even some footage that strangely included dinosaurs. Yes those dinosaurs...the extinct ones...like a velociraptor that was just so much cooler in Jurassic Park.
That aside, there was in fact one very poignant point made in the movie. Brad Pitt plays one of the lead roles as a father of a family of 3 boys set in the 1950's. His character is constantly striving for perfection and success which he views merely as possessing great wealth and maintaining a certain image. This causes him to be incredibly demanding of his children and even his wife. Granted, the kids in the movie really could have settled down and dealt with the fact that sometimes they are told "no", but I can see the other side too...how Brad was a little too demanding on occasion.
Either way, he makes a comment toward the end of the film and the gist of it is something along the lines of how he didn't dignify anything he had because it was never enough for him and in turn he missed the glory of it all. I wish I could remember the quote verbatim, but that's not happening apparently. If anyone happens to see the movie and can clarify for me exactly what it is he says, I'd be much obliged.
At any rate, the point is made and what a point it is. All this rushing around trying to find the perfect job, perfect house, perfect mate, etc...and we miss the glory of what we already have. Thinking in this way, I'm saddened by all that I've missed, and I hope to not let anything else slide through my fingertips.

Are We Dragon Slayers?

I often am at my own mercy I think. I wallow in my desire for something more and allow myself to become very depressed over my belief that surely I am destined for far more greatness than this life has offered so far. But is that arrogant of me? Am I way off base here? Clearly my life has been no fairy tale. There is no knight in shining armor racing to rescue the princess from an impossibly tall tower in a far away land. In fact there isn't even a princess or a tower for that matter. But is there a dragon to slay? Is there something great to accomplish with this life of mine? Or perhaps is that great destiny conceivable only in my own mind?

What if my dragon is nothing more than having the patience, endurance, and discipline to withstand what I deem to be a very banal existence? Am I indeed up for that task? Honestly, I think it would be easier to pull the sword from the stone than it is to live this boring life much longer. However, maybe that is exactly why I live this life. Because it isn't what I want. What to do with it then?

Or maybe there is no dragon at all. Maybe life is supposed to be like that God foresaken movie Groundhog Day. It's a horrible movie. Maybe that's all there is though.

We shall see I suppose, if we are destined to slay dragons or essentially do nothing more than scrub the floors of the castle. I'm hoping for a dragon though.

Anyone else up for an 80's/90's reunion???

I remember one of the first times a song really got to me. Sadly I have to admit it was thanks to Canada's very own Bryan Adams and that song he had on the Robin Hood score. Maybe it was in part the movie that got to me too...or the video on MTV back when MTV still played videos. Some of you youngsters may not even recall that era, but it existed I swear.
At any rate, I have to hand it to old Bryan...good stuff. I got hooked in, and I'm generally not a super girly girl in the emotional sense. Now if we're talking dresses and shoes...I'm all about it. :) Back to the point though, what happened to those awesome and simultaneously horrible ballads of the 80's and 90's???? I'm a little sheepish about admitting this, but I miss them! Mr. Big and the like, come back! Although, you guys could all probably stand a makeover or a haircut at the bare minimum. Maybe I should keep you in my memories actually. It might be best for everyone involved. :)

Redemption, Grace, and what the hell?

Maybe I should have phrased that title "Redemption, Grace, and am I going to hell?" but it really loses some of the panache that way. At any rate, I'm brushing up on my theology today, Calvinism in particular. This modern spin on what was in fact a very valid and reasonable perspective really seems to have people upset. Well, understandably so. I'd be mad too if I actually believed I was going to die and burn in a fiery pit of molten lava and ash wallowing in agonizing pain for an eternity all because I'm not one of the few elect. See why people are upset?

Originally, from what I can tell John Calvin was on to something good. The idea of total depravity makes sense to me. Man screwed up, and therefore we fall prey to our own sin nature instead of having our default setting as one in which we automatically say or do the righteous and holy thing. I think actually that this notion is common sense. It certainly isn't any sort of groundbreaking philosophy that came from way out in left field or anything.

Then there is the idea of God's sovereignty over everything. I think this combined with the misinterpreted idea of election is where people go wrong...terribly wrong. Certainly God has a plan for our lives. That is without question; however, I also believe that because he is a loving and just god we have been given free will. That fact alone negates this modern twist on Calvin's views that people essentially have no choice as to whether or not they go to heaven or hell. If everything were so laid out, why bother with free will? I'm fairly certain that God doesn't do things on a whim or merely to suit his fancy. I doubt he's sitting up in the clouds moving people about like pawns on a chess board. Instead he lets us pick our own moves. It is a game of logic and reason and we are responsible for our own outcome. God may havve a plan for us, but we may not choose that plan. He may have a very nice path set out for us, but, because of total depravity and our inclination to suit ourselves, we may select a very different path from the one God had intended for us.

Now, that being said, we do have a need for redemption and grace. We will undoubtedly make many dumb and sometimes terrible mistakes. Therefore, we do in fact need some sort of mercy so that we are not forever condemned to suffer the consequences of our own selfishness and stupidity. Thankfully we have a God willing to make that sacrifice.

To all you maniacs out there running around writing people off as hopeless fools and telling them they're screwed and going to hell no matter what...What the hell is your problem??? And moreso, who the hell do you think you are? You have an opinion, a very twisted one I think, but an opinion nonetheless. Look up "opinion" in the dictionary, and then cross-reference it with the definition for the word "fact"...then keep your mouths shut until you learn to express your opinion with kindness and openness. :) All the sinners and lost souls thank you

Stuck-ness

Ah, where to begin. Much has happened in nearly a year since I've last written. I'll get to it all...eventually.

Today however I'm thinking of all sorts of various subject matters, but primarily I'm focused on what to do next in my life. I have a very strong sense of stuck-ness, and I'm not at all fond of it. Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Some people think that movie is brilliant. I'm not one of those people. I HATE that movie. Really, I think it's horrible. Yet to my dismay, that is my life. It's been that way for years now. I keep trying to find a way out of it, like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except I can't seem to find the appropriate rabbit hole...maybe I'm not following the correct rabbit.

The worst part of the stuck-ness is a strong feeling of being unable to have some finality and move on from my messy past and have a new life. I still have the same job I've always had. I live in the same place. I see the same people. There is nothing different really, so there is a sense that nothing is moving forward. It's very stagnant, and terribly uninteresting.

I've been accused before of being incredibly conservative. Granted, this was from a person whose understanding of the word is largely misunderstood at best; however, I do think there is a point to be made. I don't necessarily choose to be terribly conservative...which in this case I believe the person meant responsible. And let me clarify, responsibility is not a bad thing. If I had my way I'd be a modern day Edie Sedgwick, but that's just not in the cards for this girl. If I tried that route, I would no doubt end up cold, hungry, and living on the streets. Plus I really do have a thing for pretty dresses and tall shoes.

So, what to do? I've applied to literally over 100 jobs. I can't even get an interview. I can't leave Atlanta, which although not a bad city is very boring to me. If I move to a different part of town, it will cost more in rent and gas to drive to and from work. It's rather a conundrum, and not the delicious wine either...although I'd gladly take a bottle of that.