To Give

To have the capacity and ability to give to other people is an incredible thing. Ideally it would be nice to be able to change someone's life in a completely dramatic way; however, I wonder how much a day might be changed by a simple smile, a kind word, or a gentle touch. Could we each possess the power to change the world by such simple actions?

If there is any plausibility to the butterfly effect at all, I think that this is in fact quite possible. Granted, some hurdles may be more difficult to cross than others, but imagine a day in which you pass by people on the street and actually acknowledge each individual. It astounds me that we live in those huge cosmopolitan cities surrounded by millions of people and yet have no contact with another person at all in a given day. I know at times I have been very depressed and felt terribly alone. I would've given anything to have someone act like I was alive. Instead, I made my way through the day quietly and unnoticed. I wonder how my day may have been altered had someone taken an interest in the forlorn girl in the corner with her face buried in a book pretending to have a bustling life with a phone that wouldn't stop buzzing for a minute because she was so terribly popular.

I have tried for years to fill a void in my life with all sorts of superficial, meaningless things, from dresses to shoes to fruitless relationships. I've found that giving back to others has allowed me to settle into being myself. The joy of giving is one of the greatest feelings I can imagine. To see another person smile because of some small sacrifice I make...well, I'd give anything I have for that. All of the money in the world can't buy that joy.

A-OK

Everything is going to all right. No, really. I know that. There is a peace and a sense of understanding I have been blessed with as of late that tells me this is a definitive truth. The road is winding, and the storms will rage, but I know that at the end there is a safe place waiting. I know that all the toils and snares along the way only serve to make me stronger and wiser. I know this now. I wish I had known years ago, but then I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now I can sit here and write these posts with little concern in regard to pleasing my audience. I can write for me and simple be honest with my thoughts. I am okay with who I am now. I don't feel the need to validate myself with new shoes and dresses. I have no interest in fame or fortune. My interest is people. They will fail me, and in turn, I will do the same to others. We are human, and we have a pretty significant learning curve. However, school is continually in session and so we can only get better at life...at living...and effectually at loving.

That's how I know everything will be okay...because none of "stuff" matters. It's the people who are at the core of everything worth anything. Lesson learned.

The Kindest Words...

As previously mentioned, I have been the recipient of some very kind compliments in the past week or two. It's funny, that me with a head full of words has nothing to say after having these lovely words bestowed upon me. I am simply overwhelmed. The people who have said these things say they are simply speaking truth. That truth is beyond anything I can comprehend though. To have people see me in such an incredible way is more than I could ever hope for.

Not only have these kind words filled my heart with joy and gratitude, but they have brought an understanding to me as to why it's so important to speak to others in the same manner. I see now how a heart is touched by the simplest word, or how it can be torn in the same way. I hope to be able to keep this in mind in dealing with people so that I too can overwhelm others with kind truths and avoid tearing their very tender hearts.

Echo

It seems in the last few weeks that the rhythm of my heart has begun to echo the rhythm of life, or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, I am finding a peace I have not known for some time. I feel...settled, and okay with where my life is right now. I do not feel rushed to make any major decisions. I feel like I have the freedom I have wanted for so long. And in all of that, my heart is finally in sync with my mind, and in turn, I believe my spirit is more in line with where it needs to be as well.

It's as though...I can rest. Finally. I have been waiting for this for years, literally. And now, I have this overwhelming feeling that everything really will turn out all right. I am learning to forgive, and in doing so, learning how to really live. I am learning to trust and to love and to do so with wisdom but without such great trepidation. I am learning to let go of my bitter and jaded cynicism. I'm trading it in for grace, mercy, and kindness. I am trying so hard to have a gentle spirit and a tender heart. And I am learning to allow myself to be surprised by potentially great things.

I have recently been touched by the kindest words from several different people. These dear compliments were so unexpected, and unbeknown to me, so very needed. I didn't know that real, genuine people could see me in such a lovely light. They have seen me for who I am though, and that is the greatest compliment I could possibly receive.

So here I sit, waiting for the next surprise. Yet, not expecting anything. I am content where I am...settled and quite happy. I hope that this echo doesn't stop. To maintain it I think I must constantly maintain my perspective. I must always remember that my problems are really insignificant compared to most. And above all, I cannot forget how important it is to love people. That is where the greatest joy lies, in building relationships...showing people they have value and worth beyond something superficial. I hope to leave as my legacy one day that I have loved well...and echo the spirit of a heart far greater than my own.

The Onion

No, no, no. Not the "news source." Don't be silly. I mean more like the Shrek version actually...I'm referring to the layers. I'm sure other things are layered, but an onion is the first item that came to mind.
I was thinking today about how as I start to shed my skin a little, and quit hiding behind all that jaded cynicism, there is a lovely girl down in there. I remember her quite well now. She is much sweeter and kinder, more lively, more gentle, more caring, and really just all around better than the girl she became. She's edging her way back in, but it is taking time.

I became someone I'm not terribly proud of. Now granted, I wouldn't have survived a very difficult situation had I not been able to barricade myself behind strength and a cold, hard disposition. I would've gone mad quite literally. It was necessary to become that person. Like the Aqualung says, "to bear the weight, it's easier to lie." But now, I can't hide behind that facade any longer. The weight has been lifted and life is rather lovely actually.

I'm enjoying my foray back into my old skin. It's like finding an old pair of jeans that fit perfectly and feel like a dream. I've had the privilege to reconnect with old friends who allow me to be...well me, and it feels so good. It's comfortable, and it feels like coming home again.

I'm okay with who I am now. In fact, I like it. I have learned so much along the way, and so all the hardships were worth it. I am grateful to know that I have the personal strength to withstand an enormous amount of pressure. Now though, I'm ready to lay that all aside and go back to just being Ali...in wonderland, where things really are delightfully curiouser and curiouser.

Sleep to Dream You

It's like a sweet ocean breeze comes flooding in
As I slip away into my solitude.
That gentle breeze; the intoxicating smell.
Gently, gently I fall away
Only to find you there waiting in the night.

I do not know your face or name
But you are there, quiet and waiting.
You have been there a long time
So still, so peaceful, so kind.
I can find you when I close my eyes
And the stars dance through the dark sky.

So each day I wait
For that serene moment
When at last I am at rest
And I can sleep to dream you.

The Race

I am by no means a runner...not by any stretch of the imagination; however, I feel like I have been running the world's longest marathon. The last few years have been arduous to say the least. After two years of dealing with a less than amicable divorce, I thought I was finally at the finish line. I truly believed I was at a place where I could finally rest. The idea of slowing down and actually having something that might closely resemble a "real life" is such a far off concept to me that I dare not hope for or dream of it. Instead, I must keep my hand steady and nose to the grindstone.

The race is still going. There is a new route now, and another court date...more lawyers bills, more legal jargon being thrown around, more accusations, more threats. It's all completely exhausting. I have no idea how I have weathered the storm thus far to be honest. Some days I feel like simply laying on the floor and kicking and screaming like a toddler. Other days I yearn to simply fall apart in the arms of someone who loves me. I do those things only in my mind though, and instead keep cool, calm, and collected on the outside. I try my best to maintain that tough girl front, but it's just to avoid completely losing all my sanity and sense of rationale.

God I hope this ends sooner rather than later. I'd like so much to sit on a beach with the cool blue water dancing upon the tips of my toes while the breeze gently swirled around my hair...