Beliefs, Ideals, and such...

are entities that are entirely personal I have learned. Perhaps some people may somewhat share a similar belief system or perspective or world view, but essentially, those core thoughts and values belong solely to the individual.
I realize as I'm writing this that my thoughts here may seem rather disconnected. I am however only setting the stage for the real issue at hand. That issue is this: the need felt by people to impose their beliefs/ideals/expectations on another. I have noticed that lately, I feel strongly compelled to have other people do what I believe is the right thing in any given number of situations. The problem with that though is that really, it's more of a control issue, and in no way is it fair for me to try to force my beliefs on anyone else regardless of the circumstances. God was gracious enough to give us all free will. Who am I to try to take that away from someone else by trying to impose my beliefs on him or her? What right do I have to do that?

There it is...plain and simple. I suppose I need to back off a bit and let people be who they may be.

No denying it...a mess

I so often am very level headed, clear, and logical. And then out of nowhere, I find my heart is broken and I fall apart into tears...even if only for a moment. I am not a crier by any means. I think it is synonymous with weakness, which is something that I've always feared showing. I have always felt as though no matter what, I have to be the strong one, the one who keeps her cool and never falls apart. When I break down, it is only under the most immense pressure, generally that which has been building up for quite some time.
But I'm finding myself feeling so very alone as of late. I thought I was free, but I seem to allow myself to be bound by this wretched feeling. I suppose I could have friends, but I think that they would be only superficial and not so much real and quality friends as I would desire. My best friends live far away or are very busy with their own hectic lives. I do not fault anyone for this. It simply is life. All of that to say, I so very much want someone in my life who is truly always there for me. Who will laugh with me, cry with me, be quiet with me, etc. To be honest though, I am not certain at all that this person exists. Every time I think perhaps I've finally found that person, it ends the same, and I am nothing more than just some girl...some meaningless fancy they may have had for a short time. I'd rather have no one around though than to deal with that again. I'm tired of being tossed aside every time as though I have no real importance and as though I am easily replaced. I am also growing increasingly tired of being told by these people that they want to treat me differently than everyone else ever has. Every time I hear that, I think I should just run in the future because every time that is said, it turns out that they all treat me the same. No one is ever different. Not one.

That being said, to reference an older post, I still want someone to open the pickle jar for me, but I just don't think he's out there. He may be, but I have serious reservations about that thought. And I will be more than hesitant about laying my heart on the line again. That much I know to be true.

Oh boy...

So I just read my own blog entries...

I answered my own thoughts. Really, I am a fool. No need to resolve myself to forever being alone. I know that one day God will bless me, take care of me, and send someone to guard over me. I also know that He made strong enough to endure these battles and fight the good fight. I have come through many wild storms not unscathed but better and stronger. This I can also manage. However, I am now recognizing where I lose the battle...by succumbing to the pressure and allowing my heart to turn to stone. That is where the battle must next be waged. I have to find the strength to rise up above those evil thoughts and win. I don't like losing, so win I shall. This too has already been conquered for me. I MUST let it go and move forward in the comfort of God's sovereignty.

As for moving...

I already wrote that I am seeking the road not taken...and two roads converged in a wood...

Greenville maybe, or NC. I have choices to make.

Disconcerted

I'm laying here in my bed just sort of sifting through my thoughts, unable to concretely identify many of them. So much seems so ambiguous. Often I'm not entirely sure of what it is exactly that I'm thinking or feeling. And so yes, I am disconcerted...upended...unsure...unsteady.

Here's the first thing that has me in such a state:

I wonder, am I destined to simply only ever be "just another girl"? I hate being that girl. It's horrible, painful, and depressing, yet EVERY time, that's all that I am. No matter how many guys tell me they want to be different, they're all just the same. They all come along and act like they're something special and they want to treat me right, but it's never true. Every time I end up hurt, sad, and alone. The guy walks off scott-free. I'm the fool who believed him though. Every. Last. Time.

So will I ever be more than that? Will someone amazing ever choose to love me for me through thick and thin? Right now I have my doubts and am starting to reconcile myself to that idea...that I am me, and I will be alone forever. This is seemingly a dismal forecast I suppose, but indeed, that is the way I see it. I'm not sure how to change that perspective.

The other thing I'm pondering is my decision to move back to NC...or maybe to SC. At any rate, I would be leaving the safety and security of my life here. I know a LOT of people. I have 2 jobs where people love me, and I'm really good at what I do. I can't help but think though that I need to get out of my comfort zone and start over new somewhere else. I cannot simply maintain this life forever. It is empty and unfulfilling. It is the same every day, and I want more. I fear leaving this safety zone though. I know it well, and it is comfortable. I believe to grow though that I need to be pushed.

Then I remember that I am forever alone...and that fear turns to steely determination hidden with a heart that is hardening. This is where I am...

Shockingly enough, I'm confused

My head is full of many thoughts, feelings, and questions. Really, I am so unsure of what exactly I should do next. I have so many questions about jobs, friends, guys, my current geographical location. I really could use some direction right now. I'm simply not sure of what to do. I know what I want, but presently, the things I want seem unattainable. I certainly do not want to give up though. I don't want to say I'm a quitter, especially just because something may seem difficult. Where there's a will, there's a way correct? I have the will. I need to find God's way though. That is always my problem. Looking at everyone else's life, it's very easy to see a clear cut path, but when I reflect on my own, the compass is spinning out of control. There is no due north in my life at the moment, but I would love to find it. I have a guide, but I feel as though I cannot hear him speak or direct me. How do I know for sure what I should do?

Sorting, Sifting, Trying to figure it out...

I cannot for the life of me figure out some of the thoughts that swirl in my head. I do not have a clear direction of which path to take on so many issues. I know that of course I take the right path...I mean, I do the right thing and follow God, but sometimes, I'm not entirely sure of what that is. Again I'm reminded of the Robert Frost poem "The Road Not Taken" and again I am wondering and seeking out that road...that unworn, untrod path through the wood that perhaps may take me through ravines and gulleys, over hills and mountains, and through seemingly endless plains. I am seeking that path which God would have me choose. But how, oh how, do I know which one it is? And yet another question, what to do when I cannot seem to even see any clear choices, everything is just a blur, whizzing about inside my mind?

Truly I want to please God, and I think that by doing so, I will find the peace that I so desperately yearn for. I just need that wisdom and discernment I have been asking for. I also need a gentle spirit and a teachable heart.

God,
Make me the person you want me to be. Wash away my past and make me clean, whole, and new again. I do not want to live under the umbrella of shame and guilt that my past carries with it. Set me free, and show me your way.

My Mountain

There is a sermon that a pastor named Steven Furtick delivers in regards to finding one's "mountain" in life and chasing after it and even conquering it. This mountain to which he is referring is something similar to God's mission for one's life I think. At least that's the way I see it.
For a long time, I had no idea what exactly my mountain may be, but as time passes by, I'm thinking that I know now what it is. I am not certain, because perhaps it is simply something I desire, but there is a distinct possibility that in fact it is what God has laid in front of me, and I simply have to be patient and wait and prepare for tomorrow.
So the question is, how do I know specifically what my mountain is? How do I know for sure what God's plan is for me? How do I discern the difference between the desires of my flesh and the desires God has placed within my heart?
I see this mountain clearly, and I want to take it by storm...but is it the right mountain, or is there one yet further on in the distance?