I have this box of memories that i keep tucked away under my bed. within the pastel colored cardboard confines of this otherwise uninteresting box are years of my life, and moments once forgotten, but always treasured.
you see this box has a card that my dad sent to me one year with flowers for Valentine's Day. Since then, I've received flowers on Valentine's a handful of times, but never have they meant as much as that single little card. Then there is a racquetball that I've kept for years just so I can remember my dad running around and enjoying life. There are pictures of course and some of his old cards from auto auctions. I kept this "fancy" wooden pen set he had at his desk at his dealership. I even have notepaper with old memories written down in my childish handwriting as an attempt to hold on to him forever. Then there is an old birthday card upon which he wrote a reminder to me to never forget him. certainly not the least of all these things is his Bible, well worn as his long, thin fingers used to so often flip through the pages. There are silly pictures he let me draw in the back cover of his Bible, and the front is filled with Bible verse I wrote in there as a child. And then tucked away in Isaiah, my dad's favorite book of the Bible, is a stack of his notes neatly folded, waiting on someone to come back and read them again one day.
these things are not easy to sort through, yet i'll never get rid of them no matter how many times i move and throw things out. these things i will treasure always. but as i flip through the cards and papers, i'm struck by my dad telling me to never forget him. truly i am saddened because i did not ever forget him, but for such a long time, i forgot all he taught me. i can only imagine how disappointed he might have been and how hurt.
these days though as time moves forward and i come back to what i knew all along, i am hopeful to not forget again. i am learning to wait patiently, to come to my own understanding, and to operate out of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. i have learned my lesson. hopefully in the future reminders of my dad will not be met with remorse, but with joy for knowing he would be proud.

i'm not much of one for fabricated emotion. i don't fall for romance. i've been chauffeured about in bentley's and the like. i've been the recipient of sycophantic flattery. i've had my share of flowers and fancy dates. i'm phased by none of it. i simply don't think it's real. i'm so much happier, delighted even, by completely direct honesty and quality time and conversation shared over something as simple as a cup of coffee. i just don't go for the hollywood version of love. i want something real.

but this is where, for so long, i've had such difficulty with the church. for years i've thought of church as well, to borrow a term from a friend, a "god mart" of sorts. everything is produced. the lights, cameras, music, videos, etc. i felt as though there was a copious amount of meaningless pageantry, but as long as you showed up wearing the right pair of jeans, you were in the right spot.

that kind of thing just isn't my scene. i remember the days when i was consumed by what i was wearing and what i looked like. now though, i'm doing really well to actually run a brush through my hair. appearances just aren't high on my list of priorities. the thing about is though, Jesus wasn't too concerned about them either.

no, in fact Jesus admonished those who did good deeds only for the notoriety. quite the opposite really. he instead revered those who quietly performed charitable and honorable acts. those are the people, the ones who didn't care how they appeared to others who were the most Christlike. that's one of the things i'm fond of in regards to Jesus and how he perceived people.

but in the church, there is all this show. it's loud, sometimes even abrasive and almost garish at times. all the sights and sounds elicit these overwhelming emotions of sorrow, remorse, joy, or even grief or guilt. recently though i read a book that talked about the history behind a large portion of religious traditions. i gained a new respect for them...the meaningful customary ones though, not the silly rock concerts churches try to have each week. i can appreciate that in large part people took part in traditions to separate themselves as a nation, and to form an identity. isn't that what we all want? to be identified in some deep and meaningful way? to belong to a group? and to have a purpose?

i paint so people ask if i'm an artist. i love music so people assume i love musicians (which to be fair, i used to but learned my lesson.) i work in project management yet i don't find an identity there, nor is it in my friends or anything else like that. no, i've learned that behind all these customs and traditions is an identity rooted in Jesus Christ. and that is where i'm learning to find my identity as well. not in works or appearances or societal classes, but in the one who went against the grain and treated people well, with kindness, love, and respect.

the more i sit and quietly watch, the more in awe i become of it all. i remember not long ago sitting in the midst of all these people and being either very irritated, or else thinking they were just flat out ridiculous for their silly piety and lack of reason and logic.
now? well now i can hardly take my eyes off of each of their lovely faces. brown eyes, green, blue, and grey. blonde, brunette, and fiery red hair. tall and short, slender and stout. each and every one beautiful in his or her own way. and the most beautiful part of it all? the fact that all of these individual people are able to come together peacefully and share a unified belief in a God of grace, mercy, and love.
every Sunday i watch each person walk forward to take communion. i'm truly struck by the profound nature of this act. not merely the taking of bread and drinking of wine, but by the unity exemplified by this action. i'm not skilled in estimating numbers much of any sort, but i'd guess there are several hundred people who come forth just during one service on a sunday. where else can you find so many different personalities, ideologies, philosophies, and walks of life come together in peaceful harmony? sure, there may be discrepancies over politics and societal issues. of course not everyone agrees on all aspects even of the bible; however, they can all stand and say they believe in a God who saves. a God who grants grace and mercy freely, and a God whose love endures forever. that alone is pretty compelling argument i think.
i know i should sit with my eyes closed and pray during communion, but really, i just tear my eyes away from that beautiful vision. it's similar to walking into a museum and being overcome by the astounding work of a brilliant artist, yet this is far more tangible. it is real. this isn't something fabricated.
maybe one day i'll stop watching, but i hope not. i hope to never grow hardened or apathetic to such a remarkable event. i hope to always find it as overwhelming, awe-inspiring, and all encompassing as i do a deep melodious song or a hauntingly emotional painting.

one of the things that has helped me come to a new understanding is the following quote from Bishop N.T. Wright...
"The arts are not the pretty but irrelevant bits around the border of reality. They are highways into the center of a reality which cannot be glimpsed, let alone grasped, any other way. The present world is good, but broken and in any case incomplete; art of all kinds enables us to understand that paradox in its many dimensions."
Additionally he states that, "It is central to Christian living that we should celebrate the goodness of creation, ponder its present brokenness, and, insofar as we can, celebrate in advance the healing of the world, the new creation itself. Art, music, literature, dance, theater, and many other expressions of human delight and wisdom can all be explored in new ways."
what an inspiring notion. i shall follow his lead :)

i've been learning a lot lately, about humility, beauty, history, relationships...the list goes on, and in the end, all roads lead back what i've been searching for all along-the freedom to live my life, ask my questions, pursue beauty, and to love. and to my own awe and delight, it seems perhaps i've found it. yes, my questions will go on for the rest of my life. i'm a curious girl. i like to ponder ideas and concepts and explore alternative ways of thinking. i believe there is much to be learned in doing so. but i can sit here now and write this because i finally laid down my sword; laid it down and walked far away from it. i learned to choose my battles and that fighting against a God who would create such lovely people, such intriguing history, and beautiful sounds and sights to behold, just isn't worth it. i ran and fought for too long. i hope to let go of all i've kept so close and tight that has prohibited me from experiencing this freedom to the fullest extent. i am glad to find a place to belong and to learn along side such loving, compassionate, wise, and brilliant people. some may call it good fortune. i don't think so though. i think it was the strategy all along. i was just too prideful and self-absorbed to realize it.
i am a quick study. once i learn something, i get it. i may not always be able to describe it verbally, but in my own mind and heart it clicks. such is the case with this. there are no words that i know to clearly describe what i've learned, the understanding i've gained, but it is there. locked in. i get it. so thank you to you all who have walked alongside me, patiently waiting, letting me fight, and letting me come to my own terms with this all. your patience and love have played an insurmountable role in my experience thus far, and i look forward to continue learning with you all.

More and more lately I keep coming to the realization that, well...i'm an asshole. i am impatient to no end. and yes, i see the irony in that phrase. i am rarely very mindful of how my actions can affect others as i fully operate under the assumption that the world is in fact my oyster and i'll do as i please. that being said, i'm selfish. i am horribly intolerant of others and lack the understanding to give people grace and mercy for where they are in their lives when it doesn't match up to my expectations. i generally say what i please when i please with little concern for whether or not it may hurt someone's feelings, and if it does, i have no frame of reference as to why.

these ultimately are actions. those actions though are indicative of something greater, the state of my heart. as i left small group tonight, my initial reaction was one of disdain and really discomfort. of course i then thought "i came and tried it and that's that. i'm out." well again, i'll reiterate, i'm an asshole. the girls in that group are lovely and welcoming, warm and hospitable, kind and compassionate. and yet i somehow derive from all those amazing attributes that i'm far above this little weekly meeting. ahh this pride of mine. i thought for so long that it served me well, and yet i see now how instead it has become the master and not me.

i see that humility and peace are the things i should seek in my pursuit of God. i don't mean that sort of false humility either that more so resembles self deprecation. i mean sincere and honest humility. i mean a peace that requires me to shut my mouth and listen instead of asking questions; to break down the barricades that i thought so strategically guarded my heart. to be still and patient. to learn kindness and compassion. yes, these are the things i need to learn. not because i'm too hard on myself, but because i'd rather be honest and address the root of the problem instead of pretending it isn't there at all

someone recently mentioned being shocked that i have time for my art, whether it's writing or painting. i realize i'm generally incredibly busy, to the point that i'm not fond of it myself. however, i make time for those things that are important to me.
as i've begun to immerse myself back into church, i've forced myself to get involved and meet people and essentially make a new life. i'm engaging with people that before, i'd probably never even noticed. i am pursuing relationships that in the past would have eluded me much to my pleasure.
here i sit now though, tired, but delighted to have all of these new ventures before me. why? well, it's way out of reach from my comfort zone. that alone is a good thing. more importantly though, these people can help me see the things i've been longing for over the past years. they will sit and talk through my questions with me. they will earnestly pray for me, not to change who i am, but to help me understand and come to live a life of fullness and freedom. it isn't far off i know. i can see the chinks in my armor. i can feel the weight of the world slowly falling off my shoulders. no longer do i feel the need to simply shrug in order to bear the weight of a single day.
so here i am in pursuit of something more. desiring peace, compassion, and agape love. i am overwhelmed by the mercy and grace shown to me. i can see it clearly. for so long i've thought i'm just one of those people who endears herself to others in such a way that they feel compelled to grant me favor, but no, that is mercy...undeserved and unwarranted favor...granted upon me by a God who looks out for me even when i'm in the midst of a storm--even when that storm seems to never end.
the older i get though, the more i like, and even embrace those storms. it's the ebbs, not the flows, of life that are so lovely. the downs are the times when your character is developed and tested. the ups...not so much. it is for that reason that i prefer the sour to the sweet. i stand by the notion too that you can't have the sweet without the sour. well said Jason Lee. hopefully you all realize that's a reference to the movie vanilla sky :)

anyway, as time passes, i'm slowly coming around. the cold, hard steel that once surrounded my heart is melting away with the warmth of love provided by the body of christ...a body that spans as far as the east is from the west.

is there a yardstick of sorts by which one's goodness is measured? is it fair to say we cannot have this relationship because i see you have work yet to do? isn't the nature of a relationship designed to be something that allows for each party to work toward a greater goal all while having the support of another?
so when do you know when you are good enough? what is the gauge...the measure? how will i know when i've achieved this lofty goal if i have no frame of reference for what the goal is, much less how to achieve it?
might it be better to simply sit still as i am and hold my ground? what if i weren't to change at all? there will never be any sort of extravagant and obvious shape-shifting change. i'll continue to be me. my core will still be based in love, honesty, kindness, and generosity. so what is there to change exactly?
bon iver wrote the most beautiful song. in it he says "i told you to be patient. i told you to be fine. i told you to be balanced, and i told you to be kind. and now all my love is wasted, and who the hell was i?"
might i wind up thinking that same thing? might i waste my time and patience on something fleeting? or am i the one who has a limited time in this relationship? how do you know without pursuing such an endeavor? how can you find out those things from a distance? what do these new relationships look like in a practical sense?

it is for this reason that i can sit and say i have been arrogant, foolish, and prideful. i know i have been wrong, and i am not being dramatic or too hard on myself. i am simply being blunt, honest, and to the point.
it is written:
1 Corinthians 1:18-25

For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.” Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, God decided, through the foolishness of our proclamation, to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks desire wisdom, but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God’s weakness is stronger than human strength.


just this past wednesday, let's see, what was that? march 8 i believe. at the prayer service that night, i came to this realization regarding how i have been fighting so hard for so very long. i know i have been intent upon proving everyone wrong. i was so very angry and so very hurt. i wanted nothing to do with dog and pony show. i didn't want to be like those people. and then it hit me. i'm not like those people, and to share this common faith, i still will not become like them. i can be the one who shares this belief and yet isn't like the others. and that katrina my sweet friend, is my goal. i hope to be the one who people see as kind and gentle, compassionate and understanding, loving and generous, wise and hopeful. i pray that i don't become one of those who shuns others, treats people poorly, doesn't listen, and is too arrogant to admit her wrongs. i see how my intelligence is little more than foolish fodder. my questions, while some are valid and worth discussing, others are nothing more than a line of defense.

i don't want to miss it all. i don't want to run anymore, and i am certainly not in this for a fight. i am weary after over a decade of gnashing at the teeth. i welcome this peace and this rest. i won't be foolish enough to turn it away again.

funny how at 1am, even after downing night-time theraflu and having been sick for 4 days i still can't sleep. i even tried watching some mindless movie. still a no go. so as i lay here in the comfort of my bed, wrapped in my piles of blankets and cloud-like pillows, my mind has the freedom to wander.
and so as i sift through my countless thoughts, i land again upon the thought of my lovely and beautiful friend michelle.
you see, michelle was one of those radiant sorts of people who simply drew you into her. you wanted to know everything about her and felt compelled to share your life with her as well. her very nature elicited an urgent desire to do something to bless her for all that she so graciously did for others. often people have said of my dad that when he walked into a room, he was the room. michelle was the same way. not in an arrogant sense as though she demanded attention and respect, but her loving, kind, and beautiful countenance simply commanded it by virtue of it's own nature. michelle's smile quite literally lit up her face, as if the stars themselves were lit by the dancing fire in her eyes. and in all this, i think the most wonderful thing about her is her deep and true sincerity. i know without a doubt that when michelle told me how much she loved me it was as real as the day is long. there was never even a hint of some superficial, careless word to come out of that girl's mouth. she spoke with great care and consideration, always conscious of the impact her words would make upon the person to whom she was speaking. even in hard conversations though, michelle always would encourage you, never choosing to belittle or berate a person for his or her choice. her approach was always one of kindness and compassion.

now i sit here thinking too about how much michelle loved Jesus and the church. and then think back upon all i learned growing up from parents who felt the same. i wonder if perhaps now michelle and my dad are sitting there commiserating on how to next put me in some strategic place to bang on my stubborn head a bit more. they'd have fun the two of them, playing their little chess game with my life.

then i wonder, why is it that i am so stubborn and so arrogant? have i missed the point of it all? did everything pass me by while i was up on my mountain looking down at all of this? i've had people tell me before that i have no idea how smart i am. that's not true though. i'm fully aware of it. i just try not to let on. but i have been arrogant about that gift and thought i could use it to figure out all of this. i know full well that i have been blessed an incredible amount intellect and capacity for understanding intricate philosophies and theories. but i have misused that it seems. i have tried my best to use that gift to disprove all of this. to find any and every reason why it just can't be true. and at the end of the day, i'm still left sad, lonely, and empty-handed. there is no grand sense of satisfaction. there isn't a quintessential eureka moment where i prove everyone wrong and walk off laughing at the lot of fools. i am the fool.

i've often said i think prayer is used to manipulate a situation. perhaps intellect is the very same. what is it kris said about things being good slaves but not good masters?

i still don't at all understand a good portion of christian lingo. if you tell me to let go and let god, i have no idea what you mean. i still need very practical applications for these terribly ambiguous ideas, but i am willing to lay down my sword and simply listen now. i am not in this for a fight. in fact, i don't know that i ever have been. i am not trying to question every last bit. i am trying to make some sense of things, but maybe kris was right too when he mentioned not needing to know the answers to it all and being okay with some of the mystery.

i'm not sure if anyone has figured this out yet or not, but i'm a very literal person. i don't always pick up on jokes, particularly via text message as i can't ascertain a person's tone, and i generally assume anything a person says is as matter-of-fact as i am, not figurative at all. this can occasionally pose a problem in conversations or my understanding of a concept. this is particularly true in theology as it is such a vague and vast concept. that being said, when i am told to do something, i genuinely want to do that thing, whatever it may be, to the best of my ability and with a full understanding of that which i am doing.

so last night when we were told a large part of the Lenten season is forgiveness, i began to think about that notion. if you read through the Bible, we are told multiple times to forgive others. that's all well and good, but practically speaking, i have no idea what that means. there is no guidebook for how to do that. people quote quintessential churchy quips like "let go and let god" but really, does anyone have clue what that means in real life??? i certainly don't.

when jesus forgives us, my understanding is that it is the act of cancelling a debt owed to god because of our sin. the same understanding applies to forgiving another person, well sort of. i have a few questions about that.
1. we do not have the power to cancel another's debt before god. to think we do seems nothing short of extreme arrogance
2. even if i had that power, i still don't know what that looks like in my life.


i can sit and talk all day long about how i forgive someone's so called trespasses against me, but i still remember what the person did. i still approach the person cautiously like a child who has been bitten by a dog. so have i really forgiven the person? what is the marker for having completely forgiven someone? and if i forgive someone am i truly tasked with also forgiving the deed that begs forgiveness in the first place?

for years i struggled with the feeling that i was constantly in a state of transition, i didn't have a home exactly, and that i didn't belong anywhere really. it's an uncomfortable feeling, and i sought a sense of significance in an array of places and people. each time i came up empty, feeling more bitter and jaded with every failed venture.

now though, i have immersed myself into this incredible group of people who genuinely love others regardless of circumstance. it's a truly beautiful thing to witness. sometimes i like to just sit quietly and watch all the happenings going on around me. i'm touched when i see hundreds of people come forward to accept the holy sacrament of communion, not necessarily because of the act of taking the bread and dipping it in the wine or grape juice but because of the astounding loveliness of a multitude of people from different walks of life, different ages, different races, coming together to share a unified belief in something far greater than anything this earth can behold. to me, that is simply astounding.

last night i was invited to a prayer and worship service. i had no idea what to expect. in large part i just sat and watched and took in all that was occurring as i was nestled down in my seat in that seemingly grand room that became so small and intimate in that time. the rows of seats were spread wide apart to allow plenty of space for people to move about, but yet, despite physical distance, we all seemed so close to one another. slowly, i let my mind slip away to ponder my own thoughts and secrets. it's funny, every time i go to this church now, i could swear the pastor strategically plans each word of what he says around what is going on in my head. i'm certain it is no coincidence that here in the Lenten season i find myself part of a captive audience of people who love Christ, whereas for years i had been far away from anything even remotely resembling that. so yes kris, when you said during Lent, traditionally people would pray for the wayward souls, you might as well have been telling me that over a cup of coffee.

sometimes i want to run again because i don't want to face all my questions, but that's the easy way out. and just when i think about taking off, something amazing happens, like pastors moving through the crowd, laying hands on each individual person and praying specifically for that person. for a moment i expected to be skipped over when this happened, like i'm still not quite part of all this that's happening, but no. i sat quietly and i too was included in this beautiful act of compassion and love. and then i want to stay awhile, to be part of this thing that is so lovely. and i am tired from running, and fighting is exhausting. so i continue to sit, listen, and watch. then a peace washes over me and i can be still, even if just for a moment or two.

growing up, my mom always told me to have a teachable spirit. of course i mostly thought that applied to a willingness to learn, but as i grow older i see it applies to more than just the world of academia. i see now how this concept is applicable yes intellectually, but more so in my heart.

it's funny sometimes the seemingly unlikely places you learn things about life and about who it is you want to be. rarely do i feel that my day to day life has much of an impact on other people, and so often it seems that there is very little point in what i do. while i am grateful for my job and appreciate it tremendously, it is little more than a means. yes, i will perform any given task to the best of my ability, but in the end, it is simply a paycheck.

today though, i was given the opportunity to do something more with my life than to simply fill out spreadsheets or type up notes. today i was honored to spend my time with a group of delightful men who needed my help, and that of others there with me, to compose resumes. these men were kind, polite, intelligent, patient, and incredibly gracious. i was there to help them, but instead found that they were teaching me. Andre wanted to begin our time together in prayer. Kenneth led us all in a simple and beautiful prayer that truly displayed to me his hope and phenomenal attitude. the collective perspective on life that all of these men shared was mind blowing. they sat and encouraged one another and offered advice to their friends all while having the humility to admit that they also needed help. we were there to serve them, but they were interested in our lives and building relationships with us when it should have been us pursuing them.

a gentleman asked me why i was there. he actually thought i was in high school or maybe college. he assumed i was there only to gain course credit. as i carefully thought how i wanted to answer him though i realized there was little to think about. i was there because jesus would do the same thing. as much as i toil and fight with theology for any number of reasons whether it be my own pride or that i have legitimate questions, i cannot deny that jesus walked this earth and treated people in precisely the way i hope to do as well. in speaking with this man, Michael, i realized a small piece of that shroud that has been so tightly bound around my heart for so many years was torn away. in it's place i found compassion and love and a desire for understanding. i am truly blown away by these men and their character and integrity.

i may have written the resumes, but they in turn changed a life

Mark 8:27-34

this morning at church we were presented with the idea that jesus, the messiah, the savior, the king of the world was burdened with suffering. yes, yes, we all know jesus died on the cross. but kris made a good point when he noted that when peter called jesus "messiah" he had certain expectations that corresponded directly to that notion. It was posited that peter expected jesus, as the messiah, to have some overwhelmingly glorious victory here on earth. i can see that. perhaps it's idealistic of peter to think that, but hey, who doesn't want some unsung hero to come in and just completely obliterate the enemy camp in a burst of flames, an echoing clap of thunder, and an earth-shattering strike of lightning...all made to look like child's play as this revered king rides in upon his steed whose muscles glisten in the shadows of the fire as his nostrils flare, breathing in and out steadily...his very presence emanating an other worldly power? sounds pretty bad ass to me. ryan gosling could totally play that character in a movie.

but that isn't what happened. not at all. the one time jesus rode in anywhere on any sort of a steed, it was a donkey. granted, donkeys have sort of a quaint charm about them, but they by no means exude any sort of grandiose power. they are meek creatures, gentle, and seemingly humble. and that was jesus' preferred mode of transportation when it came time for him to make his debut as the king of the world. why? i have no idea, mostly because he's jesus and i'm not because i definitely would have had him on that horse--hair blowing in the wind, decked out in all sorts of warrior-like finery, barreling onto the scene in a blaze of glory. alas, those are the makings of a fairy tale though, and this story is nothing of the sort.

for whatever reason, jesus up and decided that there would be no blaze of glory, no horse of any kind, and, much to my dismay, no finery of any variety. instead, all of those notions were replaced with one that is completely counter intuitive to any sort of kingship i could ever dream up. jesus opted for suffering. well maybe he didn't exactly "opt" for it, but he accepted it. hell, maybe he even embraced it. i don't know. either way, jesus had a formidable future awaiting him.

my question though is quite simple. Why? why why why was suffering required? why does a "loving god" require pain and sacrifice to follow him? if i love someone, i do not ask that person to sacrifice for my sake. quite the opposite, i sacrifice for the other person, no matter the cost. so why does god ask us to sacrifice for him? why did jesus HAVE to suffer? what father asks his son to endure such excruciating pain? wouldn't a loving father instead do anything in his power to prohibit his children from being hurt? so why god? why? where is the love? why wasn't jesus all decked out and bedazzled with some lovely lady feeding him grapes and another fanning him with a banana leaf? why is it that the most kingly/servant-y event in his life was when mary washed his feet with some oil and perfume? what is there to be learned from having to endure pain in order to follow christ?

I imagine having depth perception is pretty incredible. I have never had it, nor will I ever. I see everything on a flat plane, much like a painting. Intellectually I know that everything has dimension and depth, but I am unable to actually see it. Unless you are like me in this regard, it's a somewhat difficult concept to understand, not because it is a terribly advanced idea but because it is just rather unusual.

When I paint, I have a very difficult time trying to create depth in my art. I struggle with angles and more particularly, I have the most trouble with foreshortening. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the term, foreshortening is a technique used in art to create distance and depth. For example, if I were to draw someone putting his or her hand out, the hand would be drawn larger proportionally to the body to depict it being closer to the person viewing the drawing. To the point, as an object moves away from you, it becomes smaller.

This concept applies to our lives as well. We have these experiences that seem to be nearly catastrophic when we are right in the middle of the storm, but as time passes, those experiences fade into little more than vague memories. They become a tiny dot of paint in what ultimately is a masterpiece quite like Monet's "Waterlilies".

Today I realized that in November it will be five years since I left my ex-husband. FIVE YEARS! I was somewhat shocked at this realization to be honest. I could hardly believe it. In that time so much has changed, all for the better, but it was never an easy road to take. The path was not marked clearly and there were more ebbs and flows than I might have ever thought imaginable had I not lived through it all myself. Today I can sit and write this as I look back on what once was. I vividly remember wrapping myself in blankets to sleep on the floor by the fire because I couldn't afford heat. It wasn't so long ago that the majority of my caloric intake came from a bottle Grey Goose. I can recall going out with a number of different guys searching for validation and significance only to find myself very, very alone and shattered. I remember so well throwing myself 150% into my job, not only out of financial necessity, but because work was the only thing that I could control and that gave me any sense of self-esteem. That storm seemed endless. Every single day for no less than three years was exhausting and filled with turmoil, angst, and sorrow. I remember thinking it would never end and that life would never get easier.

And life will never get easier. That much I know to be true. However, looking back through all I have endured and survived, I know that I have the strength to handle whatever life throws at me. I know now that I can and will get through any and all predicaments that come my way. I have been fortuitous enough to have been blessed with an incredible amount of strength and tenacity, and a spirit that will fight through anything. I choose my battles now more carefully. I seek out peace and often a quiet solitude. But I know now, now that the storm is a small spec of paint in the masterpiece of my life, that I can handle it, whatever it may be.

This is my hope for you all though, that you will have the wisdom to know that whatever may be weighing you down so much now will not last forever, and that you will come out on the other side better for it. You will learn and grow and be amazed at yourself. You will be able to say you have done well and accomplished much. I have no money or worldly success to speak of, but I know that I have in fact succeeded. For those of you in the storm now, wait it out. Soon enough, time will pass and you will be left with a memory.

As I try my best to navigate these uncharted waters and seek out growth, friendship, encouragement, and honesty I'm left to consider largely the issue of my own pride. I have allowed it stand in my way for so long, unwilling to even name it, much less to fight it. Yet in this season of self exploration and a desire to learn and understand, I am determined to replace that pride with humility. For someone who has had to fight a long and arduous war to make it this far, laying aside that line of defense to open myself up and make myself entirely vulnerable is no easy feat. But it is one of a great magnitude. One that I will embrace and push through with tenacity and a steadfast drive that is slow and steady yet determined. I am not one to shy away from a challenge. I do not fear tasks that seem hard and maybe even impossible. I delight in the difficulty of it all for I know in the end I will be better for it.

After a lengthy and enlightening discussion this morning, I can see that I have much yet to do in order to accomplish my goal. To become the person I desire to be I tasked with setting aside my confidence and pride and replacing it with a very real and true humility that will allow others to approach me who maybe wouldn't have in the past. I must learn to become that gentle spirit who deftly moves through the crowd and watches, listens, and learns. I must know that it is not always my time to speak, but that instead I must pay attention to others and hear what they are saying. I have to remember that we aren't all at the same stage in the game, and I cannot lose my patience for those who are unable to meet me in my arena. Instead I must meet them where they are. I cannot respond with this matter-of-fact tone that allows those who are less sure of themselves no freedom to express their own thoughts. I must learn to be slow to respond and temper my replies with compassion and understanding.

I neither think I'm particularly brilliant or unique, but I am aware that I am aged compared to most people my age. Perhaps in part due to circumstance, perhaps a dash of God given wisdom, and may be in part just the good fortune of having the ability to be honest with myself. The combination though has given me a far different frame of reference for life compared to most of my peers. In this time, I will learn to share that knowledge graciously as opposed to using it for my own benefit. That being said, I will also gladly accept insight from others and become teachable and approachable, though I have no idea what that practically looks like.