for years i struggled with the feeling that i was constantly in a state of transition, i didn't have a home exactly, and that i didn't belong anywhere really. it's an uncomfortable feeling, and i sought a sense of significance in an array of places and people. each time i came up empty, feeling more bitter and jaded with every failed venture.

now though, i have immersed myself into this incredible group of people who genuinely love others regardless of circumstance. it's a truly beautiful thing to witness. sometimes i like to just sit quietly and watch all the happenings going on around me. i'm touched when i see hundreds of people come forward to accept the holy sacrament of communion, not necessarily because of the act of taking the bread and dipping it in the wine or grape juice but because of the astounding loveliness of a multitude of people from different walks of life, different ages, different races, coming together to share a unified belief in something far greater than anything this earth can behold. to me, that is simply astounding.

last night i was invited to a prayer and worship service. i had no idea what to expect. in large part i just sat and watched and took in all that was occurring as i was nestled down in my seat in that seemingly grand room that became so small and intimate in that time. the rows of seats were spread wide apart to allow plenty of space for people to move about, but yet, despite physical distance, we all seemed so close to one another. slowly, i let my mind slip away to ponder my own thoughts and secrets. it's funny, every time i go to this church now, i could swear the pastor strategically plans each word of what he says around what is going on in my head. i'm certain it is no coincidence that here in the Lenten season i find myself part of a captive audience of people who love Christ, whereas for years i had been far away from anything even remotely resembling that. so yes kris, when you said during Lent, traditionally people would pray for the wayward souls, you might as well have been telling me that over a cup of coffee.

sometimes i want to run again because i don't want to face all my questions, but that's the easy way out. and just when i think about taking off, something amazing happens, like pastors moving through the crowd, laying hands on each individual person and praying specifically for that person. for a moment i expected to be skipped over when this happened, like i'm still not quite part of all this that's happening, but no. i sat quietly and i too was included in this beautiful act of compassion and love. and then i want to stay awhile, to be part of this thing that is so lovely. and i am tired from running, and fighting is exhausting. so i continue to sit, listen, and watch. then a peace washes over me and i can be still, even if just for a moment or two.