More and more lately I keep coming to the realization that, well...i'm an asshole. i am impatient to no end. and yes, i see the irony in that phrase. i am rarely very mindful of how my actions can affect others as i fully operate under the assumption that the world is in fact my oyster and i'll do as i please. that being said, i'm selfish. i am horribly intolerant of others and lack the understanding to give people grace and mercy for where they are in their lives when it doesn't match up to my expectations. i generally say what i please when i please with little concern for whether or not it may hurt someone's feelings, and if it does, i have no frame of reference as to why.

these ultimately are actions. those actions though are indicative of something greater, the state of my heart. as i left small group tonight, my initial reaction was one of disdain and really discomfort. of course i then thought "i came and tried it and that's that. i'm out." well again, i'll reiterate, i'm an asshole. the girls in that group are lovely and welcoming, warm and hospitable, kind and compassionate. and yet i somehow derive from all those amazing attributes that i'm far above this little weekly meeting. ahh this pride of mine. i thought for so long that it served me well, and yet i see now how instead it has become the master and not me.

i see that humility and peace are the things i should seek in my pursuit of God. i don't mean that sort of false humility either that more so resembles self deprecation. i mean sincere and honest humility. i mean a peace that requires me to shut my mouth and listen instead of asking questions; to break down the barricades that i thought so strategically guarded my heart. to be still and patient. to learn kindness and compassion. yes, these are the things i need to learn. not because i'm too hard on myself, but because i'd rather be honest and address the root of the problem instead of pretending it isn't there at all