A Little About Me...

So, last night I was talking to a friend of mine-someone whom I respect very much and care about quite a bit as well. An incident occurred at which point I felt the need to apologize...about seventy million times. Well, that's exaggerated a bit...it was more like 4 times in reality. My friend was a bit irritated with my incessant and unnecessary apologizing. I explained that I truly was sorry though, and it's part of being a people pleaser...never want to upset anyone. Then I said that this particular isn't always the easiest to talk to because it seems as though he or she might get annoyed easily and I don't ever want to be the cause of that annoyance. Now really, where was the voice of reason here to slap me around and tell me to shut up? Man, I wish you could buy something like that at Target...you know, aisle 5 for a swift kick in the pants. That would be handy.

Anyway, back to the real point here...

I started thinking this morning about that whole ordeal. You know, my friend was correct when he said "I'm pretty sure I never just get mad at you." Correct. In fact, this friend has never been anything but incredibly nice to me, patient, kind, caring, fun, and sweet even. Way to go me for blame shifting huh? Nice, really nice.

So, I started to really look within myself and see why I would react that way...the apologizing, the whole deal. Here's the thing, first of all, I need to shut up more often. Seriously. I just need to lock it up. I also need to realize that this people pleasing thing I've got going on isn't so awesome sometimes. It can actually be a downfall. I need to quit apologizing for things I didn't do or over which I have no control.

Now why did I just assert some of the responsibility on my friend? Well, because sometimes I'm an idiot. See, "the ex" had a way of imposing his expectations on other people. He also was rather terse and easily angered. I suppose I've been a bit conditioned to constantly apologize. Now I'm shifting blame again I realize. Give me a minute though. Another thing that occurred with great regularity was that I was constantly wrong, told I was a silly little girl, that I had pipe dreams, that I wasn't very wise, and basically made to feel like a worthless fool with little intellectual capacity. Now I'll take blame. I know that all of that is untrue. I didn't for a long time. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Now that I understand the reality of the situation though, it's time I own up to the repercussions of believing that crap too. Is this making any sense? Seriously, someone weigh in here.

I guess all that to say, I am sorry, but not sorry for the initial issue last night. Sorry for being an idiot and succumbing to lies from my past and reacting to my friend as though he were anything like "the ex" when in fact he's nothing like that. He's WAY better, in every way imaginable.