If you know me at all, I'm certain you are fully aware of my clumsiness. Generally I try to embrace it and hope that it maybe adds to my charm, but in the end it just results in a number of bruises, scratches, broken furniture, you name it.
But now I sit here clumsily fumbling through my own thoughts which are broken, sort of piece-meal really. I'm trying to find the words to say what I think and eloquently fill the page with lovely notions laced together with carefully chosen words that have a soft and peaceful cadence. I'm afraid though that this, in the end will simply result in a jumbled up mess...a lot like my closet.
Regardless, here goes...

I will quite readily admit I am prideful, horribly impatient, insensitive, unintentionally harsh, sometimes lacking compassion, and somewhat assuming. To any of you people who are kind enough to tell me otherwise, it's okay. Really. I don't mind the truth. I'd rather not be naive about it.

In the past, I was able to recognize those issues. I just didn't care. I was mad as hell at the whole world, and about as defensive as I could possibly be. Lately though, in the past year or so, I have come to a place where I see those flaws for what they are...defense mechanisms tied to a dark past, strongholds to what once was, and learned traits rather than something indicative of who I am innately. I have been trying to figure out a way to unlearn these things instead of holding onto them as though they are my safety net. I desire to be kind, slow to anger or irritation, compassionate, loving, peaceful, and helpful. I think the old me exhibits some entirely unattractive attributes that aren't characteristic of the way the real me wants to treat others.

The answer to this I think is love-real honest-to-goodness, old-fashioned, love. Not the silly sort where your heart flutters because the cute guy says hi to you. Not eros love. Not phileo either. I mean agape...that beautiful, all-encompassing, never ending, unconditional, I don't care if you curse, if you sleep with your boyfriend that's fine, I'll hold your hair back when you puke from drinking too much, you had an affair kind of love. The real deal. The one where no matter what people will stand by you, tell you that you screwed up, and they'll help you work it out. That's the sort that will heal the wounds. I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or even interesting. Flattery is meaningless. The people I need are the ones who aren't afraid to be honest with me, who aren't trying to win an argument, but who will sit with me and talk and sort it out for hours if that's what it takes.

We all know Michelle died recently. As heartbreaking as that is, I have found this incredible, mind-blowing beauty in her death. The legacy she leaves is amazing. That girl truly is the tie that binds all of these different people together, and through her passing, they have all come together to love each other. And somehow, I have managed to find myself right in middle of it. Luck? Nah. Privilege? Absolutely. I am blown away by these phenomenal people who welcome me into their lives, who reach out to me to love me as I am, and who embrace me just because and expect nothing in return. Thank you to each of you. I have much to learn, and thank you for showing me the real Jesus...not the one I've learned over the past few years.