funny how at 1am, even after downing night-time theraflu and having been sick for 4 days i still can't sleep. i even tried watching some mindless movie. still a no go. so as i lay here in the comfort of my bed, wrapped in my piles of blankets and cloud-like pillows, my mind has the freedom to wander.
and so as i sift through my countless thoughts, i land again upon the thought of my lovely and beautiful friend michelle.
you see, michelle was one of those radiant sorts of people who simply drew you into her. you wanted to know everything about her and felt compelled to share your life with her as well. her very nature elicited an urgent desire to do something to bless her for all that she so graciously did for others. often people have said of my dad that when he walked into a room, he was the room. michelle was the same way. not in an arrogant sense as though she demanded attention and respect, but her loving, kind, and beautiful countenance simply commanded it by virtue of it's own nature. michelle's smile quite literally lit up her face, as if the stars themselves were lit by the dancing fire in her eyes. and in all this, i think the most wonderful thing about her is her deep and true sincerity. i know without a doubt that when michelle told me how much she loved me it was as real as the day is long. there was never even a hint of some superficial, careless word to come out of that girl's mouth. she spoke with great care and consideration, always conscious of the impact her words would make upon the person to whom she was speaking. even in hard conversations though, michelle always would encourage you, never choosing to belittle or berate a person for his or her choice. her approach was always one of kindness and compassion.

now i sit here thinking too about how much michelle loved Jesus and the church. and then think back upon all i learned growing up from parents who felt the same. i wonder if perhaps now michelle and my dad are sitting there commiserating on how to next put me in some strategic place to bang on my stubborn head a bit more. they'd have fun the two of them, playing their little chess game with my life.

then i wonder, why is it that i am so stubborn and so arrogant? have i missed the point of it all? did everything pass me by while i was up on my mountain looking down at all of this? i've had people tell me before that i have no idea how smart i am. that's not true though. i'm fully aware of it. i just try not to let on. but i have been arrogant about that gift and thought i could use it to figure out all of this. i know full well that i have been blessed an incredible amount intellect and capacity for understanding intricate philosophies and theories. but i have misused that it seems. i have tried my best to use that gift to disprove all of this. to find any and every reason why it just can't be true. and at the end of the day, i'm still left sad, lonely, and empty-handed. there is no grand sense of satisfaction. there isn't a quintessential eureka moment where i prove everyone wrong and walk off laughing at the lot of fools. i am the fool.

i've often said i think prayer is used to manipulate a situation. perhaps intellect is the very same. what is it kris said about things being good slaves but not good masters?

i still don't at all understand a good portion of christian lingo. if you tell me to let go and let god, i have no idea what you mean. i still need very practical applications for these terribly ambiguous ideas, but i am willing to lay down my sword and simply listen now. i am not in this for a fight. in fact, i don't know that i ever have been. i am not trying to question every last bit. i am trying to make some sense of things, but maybe kris was right too when he mentioned not needing to know the answers to it all and being okay with some of the mystery.