Oh boy...

So I just read my own blog entries...

I answered my own thoughts. Really, I am a fool. No need to resolve myself to forever being alone. I know that one day God will bless me, take care of me, and send someone to guard over me. I also know that He made strong enough to endure these battles and fight the good fight. I have come through many wild storms not unscathed but better and stronger. This I can also manage. However, I am now recognizing where I lose the battle...by succumbing to the pressure and allowing my heart to turn to stone. That is where the battle must next be waged. I have to find the strength to rise up above those evil thoughts and win. I don't like losing, so win I shall. This too has already been conquered for me. I MUST let it go and move forward in the comfort of God's sovereignty.

As for moving...

I already wrote that I am seeking the road not taken...and two roads converged in a wood...

Greenville maybe, or NC. I have choices to make.

Disconcerted

I'm laying here in my bed just sort of sifting through my thoughts, unable to concretely identify many of them. So much seems so ambiguous. Often I'm not entirely sure of what it is exactly that I'm thinking or feeling. And so yes, I am disconcerted...upended...unsure...unsteady.

Here's the first thing that has me in such a state:

I wonder, am I destined to simply only ever be "just another girl"? I hate being that girl. It's horrible, painful, and depressing, yet EVERY time, that's all that I am. No matter how many guys tell me they want to be different, they're all just the same. They all come along and act like they're something special and they want to treat me right, but it's never true. Every time I end up hurt, sad, and alone. The guy walks off scott-free. I'm the fool who believed him though. Every. Last. Time.

So will I ever be more than that? Will someone amazing ever choose to love me for me through thick and thin? Right now I have my doubts and am starting to reconcile myself to that idea...that I am me, and I will be alone forever. This is seemingly a dismal forecast I suppose, but indeed, that is the way I see it. I'm not sure how to change that perspective.

The other thing I'm pondering is my decision to move back to NC...or maybe to SC. At any rate, I would be leaving the safety and security of my life here. I know a LOT of people. I have 2 jobs where people love me, and I'm really good at what I do. I can't help but think though that I need to get out of my comfort zone and start over new somewhere else. I cannot simply maintain this life forever. It is empty and unfulfilling. It is the same every day, and I want more. I fear leaving this safety zone though. I know it well, and it is comfortable. I believe to grow though that I need to be pushed.

Then I remember that I am forever alone...and that fear turns to steely determination hidden with a heart that is hardening. This is where I am...

Shockingly enough, I'm confused

My head is full of many thoughts, feelings, and questions. Really, I am so unsure of what exactly I should do next. I have so many questions about jobs, friends, guys, my current geographical location. I really could use some direction right now. I'm simply not sure of what to do. I know what I want, but presently, the things I want seem unattainable. I certainly do not want to give up though. I don't want to say I'm a quitter, especially just because something may seem difficult. Where there's a will, there's a way correct? I have the will. I need to find God's way though. That is always my problem. Looking at everyone else's life, it's very easy to see a clear cut path, but when I reflect on my own, the compass is spinning out of control. There is no due north in my life at the moment, but I would love to find it. I have a guide, but I feel as though I cannot hear him speak or direct me. How do I know for sure what I should do?

Sorting, Sifting, Trying to figure it out...

I cannot for the life of me figure out some of the thoughts that swirl in my head. I do not have a clear direction of which path to take on so many issues. I know that of course I take the right path...I mean, I do the right thing and follow God, but sometimes, I'm not entirely sure of what that is. Again I'm reminded of the Robert Frost poem "The Road Not Taken" and again I am wondering and seeking out that road...that unworn, untrod path through the wood that perhaps may take me through ravines and gulleys, over hills and mountains, and through seemingly endless plains. I am seeking that path which God would have me choose. But how, oh how, do I know which one it is? And yet another question, what to do when I cannot seem to even see any clear choices, everything is just a blur, whizzing about inside my mind?

Truly I want to please God, and I think that by doing so, I will find the peace that I so desperately yearn for. I just need that wisdom and discernment I have been asking for. I also need a gentle spirit and a teachable heart.

God,
Make me the person you want me to be. Wash away my past and make me clean, whole, and new again. I do not want to live under the umbrella of shame and guilt that my past carries with it. Set me free, and show me your way.

My Mountain

There is a sermon that a pastor named Steven Furtick delivers in regards to finding one's "mountain" in life and chasing after it and even conquering it. This mountain to which he is referring is something similar to God's mission for one's life I think. At least that's the way I see it.
For a long time, I had no idea what exactly my mountain may be, but as time passes by, I'm thinking that I know now what it is. I am not certain, because perhaps it is simply something I desire, but there is a distinct possibility that in fact it is what God has laid in front of me, and I simply have to be patient and wait and prepare for tomorrow.
So the question is, how do I know specifically what my mountain is? How do I know for sure what God's plan is for me? How do I discern the difference between the desires of my flesh and the desires God has placed within my heart?
I see this mountain clearly, and I want to take it by storm...but is it the right mountain, or is there one yet further on in the distance?

Simple things...

I have been thinking about how I like things to be simple and generally I like them to be rather sensible. I like order and reason. I want things to have some sort of continuous flow that makes sense and is logical. I like the news and politics. I love art, but I also like business and understanding the mechanics of how things work and all those sorts of things. I want things to line up.

Then, WHAM! Matters of the heart come into play and shake everything up and nothing makes sense anymore. I do not know how to make sense of the heart and all that dwells within it. Such a lovely, tender vessel...small and unobtrusive, yet so full and terribly complicated. So many different thoughts and feelings are locked away withing that tiny sepulcher that just do not seem to fit into any sort of mold at all. The heart, relationships, and love are not simple things. They are quite the opposite. And despite my given nature to be rather astute and orderly and prone to follow logic and reason, I would love to leap off a cliff and really fall for someone and know he would catch me. I don't know if that person is out there, but I'm hoping. That risk, as terrifying as it sounds, also seems wonderful.

Until that point in time makes itself known quite clearly though, I will simply wait and be quiet and diligent, biding my time, seeking wisdom and peace, trying to honor the Lord in all I do. What more is there?

Finding Zero

I tend to think I'm fairly level headed...pretty rational, though some may say I have a bit of a flair for the dramatics. So I like to...enhance my stories sometimes, whatever. Overall though, I feel like I'm relatively grounded. Sometimes though, I just can't find my way back to zero. I feel the pressure of many different weights in my life bearing down, and for the life of me, I cannot seem to sort it all out and reach a sort of calm in the midst of the storm.

Currently though, God has blessed me with a dear friend in my life who possesses a great talent of always being able to bring back down to the ground floor and making everything make sense. He's wonderful really and so fantastic when it comes to making me see things through a clear filter...showing me reality and not "Alexis Vision." I don't even think he knows he does it, and yet after I talk to him, suddenly it seems as though the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and even if just for a brief moment, I can walk and be free. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful friend.

The problem arises though when this friend becomes the source of confusion and suddenly, I cannot find zero again. What to do then? And as I'm writing this, I swear it's hitting me...am I really leaning on him to be my solid rock when in fact it should be God on whom I lean and in whom I trust? Is that the center of this confusion? Is that actually the problem here? Have I found myself too immersed in him and not enough in God? For God is where my true zero lies. That is where I can truly find peace that passes all understanding. In Him shall I trust.