Life...

Funny isn't it how life has such an interesting way of teaching you lessons. I have been all screwed up in the head lately, to the point of losing sleep and just generally driving myself (and probably my friends) crazy. (sorry about that guys.) So anyway, I was talking over a few of my most current dilemas with one of my most favorite friends earlier tonight, and suddenly, her absolute direct bluntness said it all. I'll refrain from using her exact verbage so as not to offend anyone with, shall we say, virgin ears, but the gist of what she was getting at is that I'm a sucker, and I let people screw with my head. Duly noted, and I'm much obliged for the wake up call. Not only that, but I let other people's problems and issues rule over me. I mean seriously, it's like I take ownership of other people's shit. Awesome right? I know. This is why I can't sleep, and it's ridiculous. I mean, I love a good glass of wine, but really, it probably shouldn't be a necessity to ensure a good night's sleep. Isn't that what the sheep with numbers on their sides are for?

I suppose the whole point here is that sometimes you need a swift kick in the pants to get off your ass and get on with life. What's that old adage? No use crying over spilled milk? Point taken. Thank you very much.

Trinity...

I love my church. I really do. I don't like going out of town because I don't want to miss Sunday morning. I feel like it's the one place in this city where I fit in. It is a place of acceptance, a safehaven if you will, a place where judgment is not found, but in it's place is love--real love, Christ love. In this place I do not have to be anyone other than who I am. I don't have to wear the right jeans or have the newest "it" bag, etc. I am free to be who I am with all of my impurities and imperfections. Here I find a wellspring of life. This is the one place that satisfies so many of my innate cravings and desires. I leave feeling full every Sunday. Not once have I left without a new perspective or a fresh understanding of God's love and how it is applicable in my own life. Every week I not so patiently await for Sunday to arrive again, yearning to be refueled.

For all of this and so much more, I am so truly grateful. The worship is simple but so powerful, and the teaching is incredible and truly from the heart. I have been seeking this home for so long, and after being a regular attender of Trinity for about a year and half, I have truly found where I belong. It is home.

www.trinityvineyard.org

Sometimes I wonder...

So a friend of mine says I look like Fivel, yeah, that goofy looking mouse from...I don't know the name of the movie, and all I can think of is the Land Before Time, but that's about dinosaurs. Anyway, you know the Fivel song? The one about somewhere out there...blah blah blah...the point of the song is that someone somewhere out there loves this poor, homely, disheveled mouse. My question though is this: Is there really someone out there for me? Really? Someone who is blown away by who I am, who can finish my sentences, who knows what I'm thinking before I even say anything, who laughs with me, who thinks like me, who will hold me close when I'm hurt, who will protect me, who will love me, who will honor, adore, and cherish me? I know I'm asking a lot. I realize this, but this is my heart's desire. There is a big empty space within my heart waiting to be filled by someone like this. The same someone for whom I would do anything. The someone around whom my world would revolve.

I made the mistake of thinking I found this person, only to learn that the person loved himself far more than he loved me. That was a painful realization--to learn that you're not that important after all is really rather shocking. The painful truth of finding out that you barely rank on someone's to-do list when they are EVERY entry on your own is just crushing.

After all of that, I felt like I had to really rebuild the walls that had once before so strongly guarded my heart. Before that relationship I had been terrified of getting hurt, but after years, I learned to let myself love fully. Then, after being beaten down for years and believing all sorts of deceptions I escaped and sought to find myself again.

So this journey of finding me began nearly a year ago. I feel like I have learned so much about who God made me to be. I feel like my relationship with Him has grown immensely. Yet deep within my soul there is this insatiable desire and need to be loved and cared for. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I want a tangible love. I want a man to grab me up and really kiss me, and mean it. I don't ever want to be just another girl again. I want to know that some man thinks I'm special, and thinks I'm worth whatever price he has to pay. But, is that man really out there? I often feel like I will forever be alone.

Ouch!

So when I was a kid, I was a figure skater. I was pretty good. I could do all sorts of spins and jumps, and I certainly wasn't afraid of getting hurt or anything like that. Well, today I decided to go skating...a mere 12 years since I was really involved in the sport. Not only did I pull a muscle in my shoulder, bruise my elbow, and bust my tail while quite literally bouncing across the ice, but my fragile ego got obliterated! I must admit, it was all quite comical.
I don't really think of myself as someone who overspiritualizes life or anything, but I do feel like my skating adventure today does dovetail quite nicely into my last post about living in humility. By the way, I think the word "overspiritualize" isn't actually a word. At least it isn't acknowledged as such by my spell check. I wonder if bootylicious is? Hmm...nope. It's underlined in red too.
Okay, moving on. My point is, even though I tried to do an axle today, which by the way I used to be able to do very easily and even with a little grace, and then I fell, slid and bounced my way across the ice, fell down the stairs at the skating rink (a 6 year old boy said "Hey lady, you okay?" I thought to myself "Great kid, thanks. I'm just an idiot."), and all around just sucked it up big time, it was a great experience. I suppose I've needed to be taken down a few notches lately. I guess I was at about an eleven, and I needed to roll in at around a 6. So, here I am--wallowing around in the recognition that I'm really not that awesome, and it's great. :)

Phillippians 2:1-13

Wow, funny isn't it the way God works. He's very intentional I think. This morning at church, I was again rather dumbfounded upon hearing the sermon...all about working together with brothers and sisters in Christ through humility. Paul was telling the Phillipians to work out their problems with one another by putting others before themselves and being of like mind. I learned this morning that being of like mind means simply being of like attitude, not like intellectual ideas, etc. For example, we will not always agree on politics, etc., but our attitudes toward one another need to be the same, respecting the opinions of others, etc.

Another thing I learned this morning is that living this life of humility is way that we as Christians can translate our relationship with Christ into our daily lives. In order to do so though, we must first seek healing from past inflictions and wounds.

How well this applies in my life. What a wonderful lesson to learn, and it was spoken so clearly this morning. I understand so much better now what is asked of me.

Lists...

Lists always interest me. All sorts of lists really. Groceries, to-do, awesomeness, etc. Here is a list of, well, randomness I guess.

1. Se7ven--great movie. watching it now. Fantastic concept

2. Massive storms and other natual disasters--fascinating and completely mind blowing. I LOVE them. I even want to go on one of those tornado chaser thingys...very cool

3. Facebook--social and technological phenomenon. I canceled my...membership (?) about a year ago, but then I reopened it a few months ago. I like the ability to be able to connect with old friends and keep up with what everyone is doing, BUT, I kinda feel like maybe it can become a bit unhealthy. I mean really, what did I do before I felt the need to constantly update my status?

4. Johnatha Brooke--little known artist. I like her stuff. "Ten Cent Wings" is all around a pretty good album

5. I love ice cream, particularly mint chocolate chip, but it has to be the green kind.

6. My need to buy shoes is dwindling. As hard as I try, I haven't found any that are actually THAT much cuter than anything I already own. Alas, it's somewhat disheartening.

7. I enjoy hanging solo. I forgot that I like it so much. It's nice being able to do whatever whenever. Plus, it's so relaxing.

8. Making food at home-WAY better option than eating out. It's just as yummy, and way healthier.

9. Despite my affinity for kicking it on my own, I do in fact REALLY want a buddy. Not just a buddy, but a best friend who gets me and isn't scared to grab me and kiss me. That's right, be a man. There's nothing better.

10. Movie night at home just might be one of the greatest ideas ever.

The answer...

well, for the time being anyway since I'm not moving anywhere, and I just jumped a plane last week so I can't do that right now...I'm chopping off my hair. That's right, the 12 year old girl hair is about to find itself in the trash, only to be replaced by fun short hair...inspired by the lovely Victoria Beckham circa 2007. :) Here we go...

http://www.imnotobsessed.com/image/peoplevictorbeck.jpg