The Intellect in Theology

For the past year and a half or so I have had lengthy theological debates with an incredibly intelligent friend of mine via Gmail chat. These debates have at times grown quite passionate, and often the only answer I can muster is a simple "I don't know." Initially I was strongly opposed to many of his ideas simply because of my own fundamentalist foundation.

The problem with being a fundamentalist Christian though is that it removes the ability for people to think and reason on their own. As children we are told many different facts about Jesus, the Bible, church, etc; facts that may indeed be fallacies. I think that these ideas such as the inerrancy of the Bible are taught because they are easy. They require no thought. They simply are accepted as truth.

Now if we are encouraged to sort out and reason our own way through issues such as philosophy and politics and also pressed to excel in areas such as calculus and chemistry, how can we rationally discourage people from exploring religion and building a foundation for their beliefs instead of simply accepting someone else's ideology as our own truth? Therein lies the intellect in theology. We should encourage others to seek their own answers, and to ask questions, and to have doubts. How can one man's faith be built on the foundation of another man's? My house cannot be built on my neighbor's foundation. The same applies to my relationship with God and my faith in Him. It must be something that I come to on my own with my own understanding of who God is in my own life. I am unable to do this if my ability to question and think is taken away from me. God has given this intellect. It would be an injustice not to use it.

Free Life

I realize I "borrowed" the title of this song from Dan Wilson, but I think he's on to something. In fact, I know he is.

I have this life, this free life, and in it, I may choose to do what I please. There is no one telling me I HAVE to do any one specific thing or not do something else. Given that freedom of choice, how should I choose to spend it?

Ultimately, I hope that in my life I am wise and make decisions based on what I believe is the only lasting thing in this world--relationships. I hope that in my time on this lovely earth I am able to be someone who treats others with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Granted, this will not always be the case, but nevertheless, it is what I hope for.

Now with this idea in mind, how am I to navigate the waters when I encounter someone who essentially is a constant source of turmoil and frustration? Personally, I do not want to become consumed by bitterness and anger. Yes the aforementioned person has wronged me more times than I could ever possibly even remember, but regardless, for my own sake, I do not want to be bitter and angry all the time. How is that I may be patient and understanding? I feel as though I have tolerated the person's ignorance, selfishness, and foolishness for long enough. Is there an end in sight? Certainly there must be, but what to do until that point?

I have recently been thinking about fear. It seems to be a common theme throughout my thoughts and my writing. I'm wondering though if it is in fact the human condition to possess fear. What I mean is this: Are we all innately inclined to be afraid and therefore often allow our fears to control our lives; is fear an effect and our society the cause; or are some people simply impervious to fear, and if so, how can that possibly be?

I'm inclined to believe that we are all subject to fear at some point, and the reason for that is because we live in a fallen world. I suppose that sounds cliche to some, but i earnestly believe that is the truth. In view of that, how do we combat our fears? To some, fear is a cruel tyrant, callously ruining lives. To others, it is nothing more than a vague memory. How is it the strong survive though? How are they able to defeat their fear and win back the freedom to live their own lives?

It's over now. Finally. Nearly two years later I have the papers and I am officially divorced. To a degree saying that sounds almost as if it's a dirty word...something that would draw harsh glares and lots of "shushing" from the prim and proper society crowd. No amount of shushing or sweeping it under the rug will make it go away though. It's there and it's real. It is a scar I shall bear forever. As I sit here sifting through the intense emotions I'm feeling, I know that I finally have freedom that I never before possessed. Yet there is still a sadness, guilt, complex fears, hurt, joy, jubilation, doubt, and certainly exhaustion that all overwhelms me. I am not certain of how to compartmentalize these feelings. I think it would be foolish to simply dismiss them and brush them aside. Dealing with them head on is the way to go. That much I have learned.

I know that to some I shall always bear a scarlet "A", but I cannot control what people think of me. Moving past that desire to want approval from people is challenging though for someone like me who earnestly wants to please everyone. That brings me to another lesson I have learned...that the only one I need to worry about pleasing is my God. That is something to which I must hold onto tenaciously.

There are also several looming fears...that I will forever be alone for one, and the other being that I have made a terrible mistake. I realize that what's done is done. Nothing can or will change the past. My only option is to move forward and not dwell on what might have been or what was. If I can manage to do that, I think I will also be able to move past the guilt I feel over this whole debacle. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I have discussed it at length with many people whom I consider to be wise counsel. I've also spent much time praying about this issue as well. I always come to the same conclusion...that leaving was the right thing, but regardless, I'm still left feeling responsible for hurting someone terribly. Then I worry that I am destined to always be failure in relationships...that I'll always hurt someone and I will just be left sad and lonely.

Then there's the absolute ecstasy of finally being able to close this chapter of my life. It has been SUCH a long process. I want to leave it all behind. I don't know what that means exactly or what it looks like...but I know I need to be able to get a fresh start. I am making steps toward what I think that might be. I need to breathe for a while and relish in this freedom.

Something...

Maybe it's me, or rather something about me. Maybe the something is nothing. I'm not sure anymore to be honest. I know that I often feel that something is missing though, as if I am incomplete. I don't know exactly how to identify that void. All I can think is that I do not belong. I have yet to find that place that is made for me. I no longer have a home to which I can return when my world collapses all around me. I have only a room in a place that I rent. My family, small though it may be, is not only a bit scattered, but has also become somewhat of an enigma this past year. My world has changed drastically, and I cannot seem to find a place to rest. It is as though I am constantly treading water. Occasionally someone will come along, and I think perhaps this person is different. Maybe he's safe. Maybe I can cling to him. This has yet to be true. They're all the same, and I remain just another girl to each of them. I realize that this bears no reflection on my worth as an individual. It's just that I want to be chosen by someone. I want a place to finally just be. I want that security. I don't want to go it alone anymore. I want something more. As patience is not a virtue that I really seem to possess, perhaps God is trying His hardest to teach it to me. Most days I am completely fine. Others, ahh...what I wouldn't get to have a place to call home.

The Trust Debacle

It is a giant risk to trust someone. You lay your heart on the line. You can and more than likely will get hurt, or at the very least be sorely disappointed. Trusting someone can evolve into a whirlwind of emotions and pain. Ultimately, trusting someone can be the most terrifying and excruciatingly painful anyone chooses to do.

With that in mind, what to do when someone repeatedly tells you to not trust him or her? On the one hand, that sounds like a terribly honest admission, which leads one to believe the person who said it in the first place. Then, on the other hand, perhaps it is fair warning. I wonder though, if the person who might say that in all actuality simply doesn't trust him or herself. How would that person be different if someone did trust him or her, or believed in that person? It seems that person is simply afraid of him or herself. If the person is aware of his or her weaknesses though, saying "don't trust me" just seems like the easy way out. Then he or she doesn't have to face his or her own demons. If one cannot be trusted, that is a problem he or she must address. It should be of no concern to anyone else. So what are those demons dancing inside the head of someone who may say such a thing? What is the underlying issue there? It seems that if you know you are not to be trusted, you simply allow yourself to succumb to your weaknesses instead of conquering them.

Despite all the heartache trust may well bring with it, on the flip side is a world full of great joy, love, friendship, compassion, caring, and understanding. In my mind these things far outweigh any of the negative aspects. I would prefer to take the risk and lay my heart on the line. I may get hurt, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

A Brave Heart

I was asked some poignant questions the other night regarding what, in a tangible way, it looks like to truly seek Christ and truly want nothing more than Him. My friend who asked me about this matter wondered aloud what the secret was of people like Moses and other great men of the Bible. My immediate response is that these men, men like David who was described as a man after God's own heart, were not ruled by fear. I am of the belief that truly great people do not allow their lives to be dictated to them by their fears of what others may think of them or fears of disappointing someone or really any other sort of fear for that matter. I think that these men knew that doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing was far more pleasing to God than it was important to please man. They were not concerned with things of this world. They had character, integrity, and brave hearts. These men and women, Rahab for example, chose Christ over man, despite the fact that their choice was not always popular. They served a king. They knew 2 Corinithians 4:16-18 to be true and lived their lives accordingly.

I know it is a lofty goal, yet I find myself hoping that perhaps I too can be like these people. I do not dare put myself in the same category as King David, yet I still pray that I can live my life to please my God and not to please any man. Surely, I can lay aside my own pride and follow a King who gave his own life to save mine. As my courageous friend Scott Bradley Stream said with regard to sacrificing his life for freedom and our great nation, "it is but a small thing". Certainly to die to myself for my Savior is a small thing as well.

Wondering what the Future Holds...

You know those people who are the most incredible people you know, but they have no idea? The ones who are kind and compassionate, not just intelligent but also thoughtful, discerning and wise, unabashedly honest, humble, steadfast, joyful, quiet in spirit, and who bring a peace to your soul by just being around. And it is those people who are rare finds and who have yet to realize their own greatness.
For these people I wonder what the future holds. What lies before them on the unknown road? My hope is that one day these people will finally take hold of who they truly are in Christ and fulfill their potential to the fullest. Great things must await these people for they are earnest and true. They emulate the heart of Christ without even trying to do so.
I pray for these people that they will be blessed beyond imagination. I pray that they will find someone who loves them completely and who will be their advocate and lift them up when they fall. I pray that they will see how incredibly beautiful they are, not necessarily physically, but beautiful in spirit, character, and integrity. Oh I pray great and mighty things are to come for these people. I pray blessings on their families and all whom they touch as well. I pray that the angels surround them and protect them so that not even their feet might touch a stone. God bless these people. May they come to learn of their own greatness.

A New Perspective

I sat outside church writing today for about 30 minutes. I was sorting through these thoughts of feeling like my worth was only in what I look like. I was torn about this and really in great turmoil as I want so badly for someone to see what lies beneath. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see my heart and the intricacies therein. Perhaps someone will see me for my character, integrity, and compassion. On the flip side though, perhaps not. I do not know what the future holds for me. I do know that I realized today that regardless of my doubts and fears, my God is much bigger than all of that, and His power far outweighs any of my hopelessness.

After I sat writing this afternoon, I walked into church fully ready to listen and learn and allow God to speak to my heart. And He did. I saw that in my brokenness, I had lost sight of what is important. I was so focused on "poor pitiful" me, that I had given little thought to the lives of others and the hurt and uncertainty they may be experiencing and how I could help. How foolish of me to get so caught up in something so trivial as whether or not people see me the way I want them to see me.

I sat in church in this broken state, singing the songs, listening to the sermon, and then, the pastor quoted Nelson Mandela...
"We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."
Upon hearing that the realization of my foolishness really began to set in. So many thoughts flooded my mind then...and there was a peace about who I am and the way I am perceived. And then people began to give their prayer requests. I was so humbled when I heard the afflictions in the lives of others. My heart was broken, and I sat there nearly in tears, especially after a friend mentioned something he was dealing with that is very close to my own heart. All of these different prayer requests, all equally legitimate, none more important than another, gave me a fresh perspective. I have placed too much importance on myself. I have not allowed God to complete His work in me just yet. There is still much to do. To allow this to happen, I think I have to approach Him with a more broken spirit and a more willing heart. I must truly deny myself

Another Kind of Beautiful

I never hoped to be beautiful, not in the pretty girl who always gets her way because she's pretty sense anyway. Beauty I of that nature, purely physical beauty, is fleeting I always thought. It has no real substance. I had always hope for far more for myself. I wanted people to see the complex inner working of my heart and mind and appreciate me for that, not for what I may look like. I do not want to be simply the girl who skates through life on her appearance. I don't want to be the pretty girl. I want to be the girl who is unique in her own right. I want desperately to be loved for who I am, and I want someone who is willing to take the time to find out who that person is. I don't want to just be the girl who can joke around. I want to be the real girl who possesses great depth, compassion, wisdom, intellect, humor, understanding, and love. And in those things, I hope to be beautiful. I hope that perhaps one day someone will see all the intricate details within my heart and find them fascinating and intriguing. I'm not certain that is something my future holds, but I continue to hope that it is.

Bethany Dillon "Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Great Expectations

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations


Now I sit here contemplating the idea of what my life may look like were it slightly different...if in fact "one selected day [were] struck out of it." My how it could potentially be so different. But in its differences, would it better, more ideal, or in fact might it be less fulfilling than what it is today? If I pause and think of how my life may be different if, perhaps my father had never passed away, the end result is a striking contrast to reality. I am certain I would have been spoiled terribly and not at all been forced to learn to be responsible and self sufficient. My mother would not have been a widow for fourteen years, nor would she have her new family with her new husband and his children. Perhaps my brother would not be quite so sad if he had had his father around to look out for him and guide him. It is possible that I would be far less cynical than I sometimes prove to be, and even a plausible notion that I perhaps never would have married the man I did and then divorced. That would be changing a day in my life...

I think though that I would not change a thing about my life. I am grateful for all of my experiences whether they are good or seemingly bad. I have learned from them all, and I believe myself to be a better person for all of it. I like my life. I like the person I have been allowed to become through circumstance and choice.

I am completely unsure of what my future may hold. Perhaps a husband and a family, perhaps some incredible career, fame, fortune, or maybe more death, perhaps poor financial means, but maybe true love. Whatever may come, I have hope for the future. And regardless of circumstance, I pray that I choose to view every situation in a positive light, with great expectations of what is yet to come. For no matter how dismal a day may be, there is something to be learned; there is way to grow and become a better version of me.

A Lesson Learned

It's interesting the things you learn as you grow older. For example, when I was a child, I was always taught that attitude is everything. As I got older and started school, I was told that no matter what, I had to be smart because being pretty was not only an subjective thing but also a fleeting one. I was taught many ideas and concepts such as these, but the one about always being smart played a significant role in my self perception the older I got. I began to define myself by my accomplishments in school, and after school, I defined myself by my job. This is dangerous territory upon which to tread for in doing so, I set myself up for failure. There will always be someone more interesting than me, funnier than me, thinner than me, prettier than me, and God forbid someone smarter than me. Essentially, I gave myself unattainable goals which did nothing but tear away at my self worth.
Then I married someone who simply compounded the idea that I was of very little value and that I had little to no intellectual insight, which was a major blow to my ego. In a search for significance, I became terribly depressed because I could never reach the lofty goals set before me.
Years passed, and I remained in this tempestuous state of self doubt, bitterness, depression, and self loathing. I was unable to find solid ground anywhere regardless of how intensely I sought exactly that. There was no stability. There was no significance. I was no one.
After a fair amount of counseling though, I learned a valuable lesson: I am defined by God and the person He made me to be. In the end, nothing else really matters. Upon learning this, I realized that I had missed the point of what God had been trying to teach me. In my despair and constant internal battle and really my own selfishness, I had missed out on the people and their significance. I thought I had to be the smartest person at my job. I thought I couldn't make any mistakes. I thought because I didn't have some big, powerful, important job, that I wasn't important. What I know now though is that I am important, and I do have a powerful job. I am required to love people as they are regardless of circumstance. That is an incredibly important task, and I pray that I am able to rise to the occasion.

Friday Night

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone. As I sit here, I'm thinking about the word "divorcee". Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that calling myself that would be a joyous experience, but truly, I cannot wait until the day I can officially title myself as such.
I'm shuffling through papers, figuring out numbers, and overall just sorting through my thoughts. I am more than ready for this mess to be finished once and for all. It is exhausting to say the least, and at this point, really just ridiculous. More than anything, I want the freedom to move on with my life.
Ahh...the sweet thought of freedom. The idea alone is like a warm rush all over my body. It's an exhilarating notion, and I cannot wait for the day that it is within my reach. I can nearly see it, but it is in the distance still. A bit longer, and I shall taste the sweetness of it. Come quickly as my patience is waning.

Inside My Head

This battle continues to wage inside my head; day in, day out. It seems that weekly something occurs to perpetuate this war. There is no cease fire. There is no retreat. It is constant, and some days, I am so weary and war torn that I think I cannot take another breath. Yet somehow, I survive. I perhaps am disheveled and hanging by a thread at times, but I manage to keep trudging through the mire. Yet all I seek is peace—a place of respite. I am tired. I am ragged. I am in need of quiet restoration.

What causes this battle? Any given number of things really...whether it be lies from my past, problems with my family, drama with "friends", or just simple the general wear and tear of daily life. I think once weakened, anything, no matter how seemingly unobtrusive or innocent, can chip away at a person's tenacity and endurance.

The most current war inside my mind is a war against myself, or my own thoughts really. I am fighting against lies which I formerly believed to be true. I have to constantly remind myself of my worth and value as opposed to falling prey to my past and succumbing to the lies that I am nothing more than a silly little girl; I don't measure up; I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or anything enough. Those lies rear their heads when daft reminders of things from a life long ago work their way into the present. Truly I want to beat this enemy. I do not want my past to be allowed to dictate my present. I long to move forward and have new life.

I do not wish to draw attention to my life or my problems though. I would rather discreetly go about the business of repairing my heart. I do not think it wise to lay those matters out for the world to see. I do not feel the need to be so open with the issues enshrouded in the deep dark caverns of my heart. They are mine and mine alone…not for public knowledge. Yet I do wish to share those intense sentiments with a few people. I long for friends who will help me shoulder the weight of my own albatross. The burden is heavy, and I hope that one day I will not have to carry it alone.

Until that day comes, I will hope for the best, and plan for the worst, all the while doing my best to give it all to God.

Things I hate...well, maybe not "hate", but I at least strongly dislike...

1. Red and yellow bell peppers...but I am quite fond of the green ones
2. Cankles...I hope to never have them
3. Foods that jiggle...although I am strangely fascinated by them too
3. Mushrooms...they just feel funny
4. Spam...'nuf said
5. Boys in skinny jeans...it's just not okay, and I'm certain it could impair procreation
6. Rude people...does this really require an explanation?
7. Yellow soft drinks...I don't have an explanation. I just think they're vile.
8. Doughnuts...ew, ew, ew. fat, gross and = jiggly butt. no thank you
9. People who spell doughnuts as "donuts"...I have issues with poor spelling skills
10. Boys who tell me that I'm interesting...that's really another whole blog posting...maybe later
11. People who feel the need to tell me how artsy/cool/free spirited/hard core/etc they are...let your game speak for itself sucka
12. Cheap paper products...once you go Viva anything else is uncivilized

That's all I can think of currently, but I'm sure to add more.

Maybe margaritas and lonely hearts aren't the best combination...

As I was driving home tonight, I begin to realize that there is a deep yearning within my heart to have a husband...or at least a significant other. Why? Well because I want to matter to someone. I want to be more than a pretty face or a silly giggle. I want someone to know me fully and love me in spite of some parts of me and for others. I don't want to be lonely anymore.
Now I know that I must first be okay with who I am and be content with God alone, and I am, but that doesn't mean that I do not still have this insatiable desire to be loved. Like anyone, I must patiently bide my time. Some days my heart is simply heavier than others. Today is one of those days.
I drove home sort of in a trance...granted that is partially due to a margarita and a half coupled with my poor drinking skills, but that aside, I just kept thinking and wondering if I will ever be more than just another girl to anyone. I have no answer to that question. I can hope and dream, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, and my heart is tended to by my God only. That is enough, but there is still an emptiness...a yearning to be significant to someone.
Today is not my day for that. Perhaps someday will come...

Raw

It isn't so often that I am real and transparent. This truth is rather ironic given that I push everyone else to be completely real with me, yet in reality, I create versions of myself to suit any given situation. I become who I think I should be in order to please whomever I may be around or to get attention or to gain acceptance. No wonder guys think I'm a silly little girl whom they can toss to the side when they're done without a care in the world. Upon first impression, to someone with little insight and understanding, I portray myself that way-a silly, pretty little play thing who's bubbly and light hearted. I get paid to be that girl too. I sell that character when I bartend. People love to talk to that girl who's feisty and sassy, a bit flirty, and seemingly quite flighty. She's not real though. I made her up. Essentially she's an alter-ego.

The real me is jaded and cynical, rather harsh, very no nonsense, kind of a bitch really, hardened to the world around me, deep, pensive, complicated, and a terrible mess. I drink. I smoke cloves and cigars on occasion. I have horrible language. I have most certainly messed around with guys. I do not come in a dainty, pretty package with some pristine tale to tell. My life is not perfect by any means. I have made many mistakes and will continue to make more. I do not regret any of these aberrations. I accept them for what they are. I know that they do not define WHO I am, but they simply are things I've done.

I look at my love of fashion, and when I seek a deeper meaning behind that affinity, I wonder if perhaps it is because I can use it to mask who I am, or I can dress up who I am and play a part. Perhaps it isn't simply a love and appreciation for the art of design. Perhaps it is just another veil to hide behind.

I used to not be this person. I knew who I was, what I believed, and what I stood for. I had no misgivings about my thoughts and ideas. I accepted myself, a beautiful mess, wholly instead of piece meal as I do now. As it stands, I'd like to compartmentalize some of me so no one knows the "bad" things, but that's truly a travesty to with hold from humanity a raw truth that could potentially relate to someone else and bring light and hope to a darkened world.

My life, though not perfect, has not been terribly arduous. The things I have gone through pale in comparison to many people in this world. However, they have affected me, and surely there are others like myself who have the same questions and sentiments and have had similar life experiences. I was told I need to tell my story. In order to do so, I will have to get dirty and simply hope for a forgiving audience.

Cataracts

Cataracts fill the eyes and distort vision, eventually making it impossible to see. As I sit here thinking, it is as though my eyes are beginning to get cataracts. Not in the literal sense of course, but in a manner such as this:

I have lost my inspiration. My creativity is waning. My life has lost its direction.

I have become rather complacent with where I am. My life is relatively easy. There are few challenges, and my daily routine is mundane. Life. Is. Stagnant.

For a short bit, I was all right with this because it was safe, and for so long, I felt like my life was a roller coaster. I needed some stability. Now though, I need the tides to turn. I need an escape from the ordinary.

Fortunately, it is early on in the disease. I can stop it. The damage is not yet irreparable. How to fix it? I need to find inspiration and allow myself time to have an outlet for the creativity that fills my mind. I am certain that a fair amount of this inspiration will come from living my life in the world instead of behind a bar. I need and want to experience people and places of all sorts. I then want to write about these experiences, paint them, and draw them. I need to breathe life into myself and clear away that which is blocking my vision. I need to see clearly.

All hail, the Once and Future King

Today is Palm Sunday. I went to Trinity today for the first time in quite a while. I am so grateful that I went back though. I realized some things today...

Lately I have been a bit out of sorts and have, unknowingly to myself, been trying to do everything on my own...again. It seems that I have a habit of doing this. I'm very independent and am generally quite content to do things myself, but then, like anyone, I get very lonely and realize that I have essentially cut myself off from the world. In the process of doing this, I have ultimately cut Christ out of my life.

This morning the sermon was about Mark 11:1-11...when Jesus basically commandeers a donkey (or a colt depending on the translation) and rides into Bethany. The pastor this morning took this passage in a new direction from that which I've heard in the past. Today he spoke about how this passage speaks of Christ as a king. Historically, monarchs retained the right to commandeer anything from anyone within their realm of ruling. As a king, Jesus had every right to that donkey. He need not ask permission to take the animal or to make prior arrangements to borrow it; he simply had to say he was taking it, and it was done. Also, the Jews removed their outer garments and laid them in the street, much like rolling out the red carpet for celebrities today. In this time period though, this ritual was equivalent to laying down one's own life for the king or queen whom tread upon the clothing. The Jews were not intimate enough with Jesus to know him as a great teacher or as the Messiah upon whom they waited. They did this though because they hailed him as a king.

The point of this sermon is that so often in our lives, we accept Jesus as our Savior, but we do not allow him to be King of our lives. We attempt to withhold parts of our lives from him, when in fact, as king, he has every right to commandeer any part he chooses at his leisure.

I sat thinking to myself today about how I have withheld so much of my life. I am always holding back my heart, not allowing him to rule over me as I should. I sit and wonder why I am alone. Well I am alone because I try to do things my way. I am somewhat content, but truly I am in need. My life is empty and seems mundane because I have not given God what is rightly His in the first place.

Hence forth, all hail the Once and Future King. The King that was, and is, and is to come.

One Love

I am somewhat perplexed by life, and more specifically by love. If one has much love to give, why is that no one seems to want it? Or perhaps a few people think they want it, but in reality, those people are not in fact the true love of the other person. Why is it that so many seem so fascinated by me right off, only to turn and walk away as soon as the shiny newness wears off? How is it that I am so easily dropped? The people who think they want me...well, they don't really want me. I seem to always be the cool, kind of unique girl who peaks interest for a brief moment, but just doesn't quite fit the mold. Why is the "mold" the status quo? What's wrong with slightly different?
Ugh, this is not some profound entry at all. Much more so it is simply me whining. Why? Because I'm tired of these lame guys playing me for a fool. It is better to be alone than to simply be toyed with time and again.
This much I know...
I have an immense capacity to love someone, the right someone, and I am waiting to give that person all I have. I do so very much wish all of these wrong someones would go and waste someone else's time though. Life is short, and I certainly don't have time to waste with these ridiculous people. I have time for the one love...wherever he may be.

The Past and the Present

Recently due to unfortunate circumstances surrounding my best friend and her family, I have been reminded of my own past. You see my friend's father had to undergo major surgery and the outlook initially was bleak. As I stand by my friend through this stressful affair, my mind wanders back over memories so vivid they seem as though they happened only yesterday...

I remember the cold, sterile hallways, the beeping machines, the click of the life support machine as my dad's chest would rise and fall. I can still smell the scent of the cleaning supplies and feel the scratchy sheets between my fingertips. I can hear my dad trying to tell me he loved me through strained gasps of air. I can feel the tightness of his skin, stretched out over his body bloated with fluids and ridden with cancer. I can see his deep brown eyes rolling back in his head as he took his last breath. This place is where my mind goes during times such as these.

I was young when he passed away, only fourteen. Most girls at that age are just getting interested in boys, makeup, and "Seventeen" magazine. Not me. I was more interested in getting straight A's in school and building up walls around my heart so no one could see the fear and hurt I felt. I was determined to be strong and to never let anyone see me crumble. Not once in the nine months that my dad was in and out of hospitals from Baptist to Duke did I let my friends see me cry. Just like Smokey Robinson said, "My smile [was] my makeup".

That was then...

Now however, I'm working on breaking down those walls. I see how jaded and cynical I have become at a young age due to various events in my life. I'm twenty-eight now, twice the age I was when my dad died. Certainly I am old enough to let go of the past and move into the here and now. I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. I most definitely do not regret watching my dad die. I am grateful to have seen his face as he was leaving this world. I do not even regret that I have had a failed marriage. I believe that these circumstances serve to build character and are but small things when I look at the possibilities the future may hold. To allow my past to dictate my present, and God forbid my future, would be a travesty. And so for these things I am grateful, and I shall take them, learn from them, and move forward in freedom.

Beliefs, Ideals, and such...

are entities that are entirely personal I have learned. Perhaps some people may somewhat share a similar belief system or perspective or world view, but essentially, those core thoughts and values belong solely to the individual.
I realize as I'm writing this that my thoughts here may seem rather disconnected. I am however only setting the stage for the real issue at hand. That issue is this: the need felt by people to impose their beliefs/ideals/expectations on another. I have noticed that lately, I feel strongly compelled to have other people do what I believe is the right thing in any given number of situations. The problem with that though is that really, it's more of a control issue, and in no way is it fair for me to try to force my beliefs on anyone else regardless of the circumstances. God was gracious enough to give us all free will. Who am I to try to take that away from someone else by trying to impose my beliefs on him or her? What right do I have to do that?

There it is...plain and simple. I suppose I need to back off a bit and let people be who they may be.

No denying it...a mess

I so often am very level headed, clear, and logical. And then out of nowhere, I find my heart is broken and I fall apart into tears...even if only for a moment. I am not a crier by any means. I think it is synonymous with weakness, which is something that I've always feared showing. I have always felt as though no matter what, I have to be the strong one, the one who keeps her cool and never falls apart. When I break down, it is only under the most immense pressure, generally that which has been building up for quite some time.
But I'm finding myself feeling so very alone as of late. I thought I was free, but I seem to allow myself to be bound by this wretched feeling. I suppose I could have friends, but I think that they would be only superficial and not so much real and quality friends as I would desire. My best friends live far away or are very busy with their own hectic lives. I do not fault anyone for this. It simply is life. All of that to say, I so very much want someone in my life who is truly always there for me. Who will laugh with me, cry with me, be quiet with me, etc. To be honest though, I am not certain at all that this person exists. Every time I think perhaps I've finally found that person, it ends the same, and I am nothing more than just some girl...some meaningless fancy they may have had for a short time. I'd rather have no one around though than to deal with that again. I'm tired of being tossed aside every time as though I have no real importance and as though I am easily replaced. I am also growing increasingly tired of being told by these people that they want to treat me differently than everyone else ever has. Every time I hear that, I think I should just run in the future because every time that is said, it turns out that they all treat me the same. No one is ever different. Not one.

That being said, to reference an older post, I still want someone to open the pickle jar for me, but I just don't think he's out there. He may be, but I have serious reservations about that thought. And I will be more than hesitant about laying my heart on the line again. That much I know to be true.

Oh boy...

So I just read my own blog entries...

I answered my own thoughts. Really, I am a fool. No need to resolve myself to forever being alone. I know that one day God will bless me, take care of me, and send someone to guard over me. I also know that He made strong enough to endure these battles and fight the good fight. I have come through many wild storms not unscathed but better and stronger. This I can also manage. However, I am now recognizing where I lose the battle...by succumbing to the pressure and allowing my heart to turn to stone. That is where the battle must next be waged. I have to find the strength to rise up above those evil thoughts and win. I don't like losing, so win I shall. This too has already been conquered for me. I MUST let it go and move forward in the comfort of God's sovereignty.

As for moving...

I already wrote that I am seeking the road not taken...and two roads converged in a wood...

Greenville maybe, or NC. I have choices to make.

Disconcerted

I'm laying here in my bed just sort of sifting through my thoughts, unable to concretely identify many of them. So much seems so ambiguous. Often I'm not entirely sure of what it is exactly that I'm thinking or feeling. And so yes, I am disconcerted...upended...unsure...unsteady.

Here's the first thing that has me in such a state:

I wonder, am I destined to simply only ever be "just another girl"? I hate being that girl. It's horrible, painful, and depressing, yet EVERY time, that's all that I am. No matter how many guys tell me they want to be different, they're all just the same. They all come along and act like they're something special and they want to treat me right, but it's never true. Every time I end up hurt, sad, and alone. The guy walks off scott-free. I'm the fool who believed him though. Every. Last. Time.

So will I ever be more than that? Will someone amazing ever choose to love me for me through thick and thin? Right now I have my doubts and am starting to reconcile myself to that idea...that I am me, and I will be alone forever. This is seemingly a dismal forecast I suppose, but indeed, that is the way I see it. I'm not sure how to change that perspective.

The other thing I'm pondering is my decision to move back to NC...or maybe to SC. At any rate, I would be leaving the safety and security of my life here. I know a LOT of people. I have 2 jobs where people love me, and I'm really good at what I do. I can't help but think though that I need to get out of my comfort zone and start over new somewhere else. I cannot simply maintain this life forever. It is empty and unfulfilling. It is the same every day, and I want more. I fear leaving this safety zone though. I know it well, and it is comfortable. I believe to grow though that I need to be pushed.

Then I remember that I am forever alone...and that fear turns to steely determination hidden with a heart that is hardening. This is where I am...

Shockingly enough, I'm confused

My head is full of many thoughts, feelings, and questions. Really, I am so unsure of what exactly I should do next. I have so many questions about jobs, friends, guys, my current geographical location. I really could use some direction right now. I'm simply not sure of what to do. I know what I want, but presently, the things I want seem unattainable. I certainly do not want to give up though. I don't want to say I'm a quitter, especially just because something may seem difficult. Where there's a will, there's a way correct? I have the will. I need to find God's way though. That is always my problem. Looking at everyone else's life, it's very easy to see a clear cut path, but when I reflect on my own, the compass is spinning out of control. There is no due north in my life at the moment, but I would love to find it. I have a guide, but I feel as though I cannot hear him speak or direct me. How do I know for sure what I should do?

Sorting, Sifting, Trying to figure it out...

I cannot for the life of me figure out some of the thoughts that swirl in my head. I do not have a clear direction of which path to take on so many issues. I know that of course I take the right path...I mean, I do the right thing and follow God, but sometimes, I'm not entirely sure of what that is. Again I'm reminded of the Robert Frost poem "The Road Not Taken" and again I am wondering and seeking out that road...that unworn, untrod path through the wood that perhaps may take me through ravines and gulleys, over hills and mountains, and through seemingly endless plains. I am seeking that path which God would have me choose. But how, oh how, do I know which one it is? And yet another question, what to do when I cannot seem to even see any clear choices, everything is just a blur, whizzing about inside my mind?

Truly I want to please God, and I think that by doing so, I will find the peace that I so desperately yearn for. I just need that wisdom and discernment I have been asking for. I also need a gentle spirit and a teachable heart.

God,
Make me the person you want me to be. Wash away my past and make me clean, whole, and new again. I do not want to live under the umbrella of shame and guilt that my past carries with it. Set me free, and show me your way.

My Mountain

There is a sermon that a pastor named Steven Furtick delivers in regards to finding one's "mountain" in life and chasing after it and even conquering it. This mountain to which he is referring is something similar to God's mission for one's life I think. At least that's the way I see it.
For a long time, I had no idea what exactly my mountain may be, but as time passes by, I'm thinking that I know now what it is. I am not certain, because perhaps it is simply something I desire, but there is a distinct possibility that in fact it is what God has laid in front of me, and I simply have to be patient and wait and prepare for tomorrow.
So the question is, how do I know specifically what my mountain is? How do I know for sure what God's plan is for me? How do I discern the difference between the desires of my flesh and the desires God has placed within my heart?
I see this mountain clearly, and I want to take it by storm...but is it the right mountain, or is there one yet further on in the distance?

Simple things...

I have been thinking about how I like things to be simple and generally I like them to be rather sensible. I like order and reason. I want things to have some sort of continuous flow that makes sense and is logical. I like the news and politics. I love art, but I also like business and understanding the mechanics of how things work and all those sorts of things. I want things to line up.

Then, WHAM! Matters of the heart come into play and shake everything up and nothing makes sense anymore. I do not know how to make sense of the heart and all that dwells within it. Such a lovely, tender vessel...small and unobtrusive, yet so full and terribly complicated. So many different thoughts and feelings are locked away withing that tiny sepulcher that just do not seem to fit into any sort of mold at all. The heart, relationships, and love are not simple things. They are quite the opposite. And despite my given nature to be rather astute and orderly and prone to follow logic and reason, I would love to leap off a cliff and really fall for someone and know he would catch me. I don't know if that person is out there, but I'm hoping. That risk, as terrifying as it sounds, also seems wonderful.

Until that point in time makes itself known quite clearly though, I will simply wait and be quiet and diligent, biding my time, seeking wisdom and peace, trying to honor the Lord in all I do. What more is there?

Finding Zero

I tend to think I'm fairly level headed...pretty rational, though some may say I have a bit of a flair for the dramatics. So I like to...enhance my stories sometimes, whatever. Overall though, I feel like I'm relatively grounded. Sometimes though, I just can't find my way back to zero. I feel the pressure of many different weights in my life bearing down, and for the life of me, I cannot seem to sort it all out and reach a sort of calm in the midst of the storm.

Currently though, God has blessed me with a dear friend in my life who possesses a great talent of always being able to bring back down to the ground floor and making everything make sense. He's wonderful really and so fantastic when it comes to making me see things through a clear filter...showing me reality and not "Alexis Vision." I don't even think he knows he does it, and yet after I talk to him, suddenly it seems as though the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and even if just for a brief moment, I can walk and be free. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful friend.

The problem arises though when this friend becomes the source of confusion and suddenly, I cannot find zero again. What to do then? And as I'm writing this, I swear it's hitting me...am I really leaning on him to be my solid rock when in fact it should be God on whom I lean and in whom I trust? Is that the center of this confusion? Is that actually the problem here? Have I found myself too immersed in him and not enough in God? For God is where my true zero lies. That is where I can truly find peace that passes all understanding. In Him shall I trust.