Who am I?

I realize that this is a very cliche subject, but it's something that has been at the forefront of my mind as of late. Earlier today I listened to sermon about identity, which, oddly enough was in fact titled "Identity". Clever I know. The gist of the sermon is that as Christians, we are not defined by our actions but by who we are in Christ. Now to be perfectly honest, this concept is rather difficult for me to grasp fully just yet. See, I am a firm believer that our actions do indeed define who we are. I feel that our actions are reflections of our character. Not to say that people do not make mistakes and occasionally if not often fall off the path God has set for them, but ultimately, I believe that our actions are choices and those choices are directly related to who we are and essentially define who we are. So, with that in mind, who is it that I choose to be?

That question truly carries a lot of weight. I want to be very careful in how I answer it. Verbally labeling who I am, putting it down in a tangible form, then brings my accountability to a much higher level. So, here I sit sifting through a thousand words trying to find the perfect ones...

The first thing I want to be is a woman of great integrity. As I have said numerous times, do the right thing because it is the right thing. So often choosing to do what's right is terribly unpopular, and being a people-pleaser by nature, feeling that I may have disappointed someone is a lethal blow to my spirit. This brings up a point that I should consider with much frequency though: Why am I so worried about disappointing people, yet so unconcerned about disappointing God?

I suppose I can move to the next point now after leaving the first one with a relatively deep question. So in addition to wanting to be a woman of integrity, I also hope to be someone who is honest, loyal, considerate, consistent, respectful, and quiet. I hope to be slow to anger and slow to speak so that I am careful to choose my words wisely and take care to protect the hearts of others.

I also hope to be a woman of great wisdom. I feel like I possess a significant amount of wisdom simply because of situations I have experienced in my short life. Granted, I am only 27 (almost 28), but age aside, I feel that God has blessed me with great understanding of the way people operate and why they do what they do. With this understanding has come great compassion and also the capability to very easily forgive and forget. It's a blessing no doubt God has given me, one that I very much appreciate.

Also, I hope to be someone who emulates Christ unconditional love. I feel like if Christ's love is the compass that guides my life, all else will fall into place as it should. It seems to me that love truly encompasses all the rest of these things I have listed. If I first love Christ and then love man and my actions reflect that, it will be terribly hard to go wrong.

Have we become too tolerant?

As a nation, we are crippled by people's feelings. The demand for people to be politically correct seems to be at an all time high. We all have to be tolerant and considerate of everyone for every little thing so as not to risk offending someone. I suppose I can understand all of that to a degree, although I think most people need to stop being big babies and grow up, but my real issue lays within "The Church." That's right, Christians I think are at fault here

It's one thing to love the sinner and hate the sin, but what happened to rebuking your brother in Christ? And wasn't it Paul who pointed out that sometimes our faith may be found offensive? No one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong. That's a given. On the flip side, it's not so fun to be the proverbial bad guy and point out something that a fellow believer is doing that isn't right. So, who's responsibility is it?

CHURCH LEADERS!!!

I hope and pray that for the sake of our nation, we began to raise up great men who are not afraid to unapologetically proclaim God's truth. I pray for these men that they are blessed with courage to speak clearly and the wisdom to choose their words wisely.

And yes, I say specifically MEN, not women, but MEN. I feel that it is the men's responsibility to lead, not the women's. We are to support these men of greatness. So for the women, my hope is that they will be blessed with the courage to back up these men and the endurance to withstand the fight.

A war is waging. I hope that we are prepared.

so it is...

I find myself in a rather unusual state currently. See, I had this problem a few months ago with someone whom I cared about very much, and still do really-simply in the sense that I care about the person's well being and love the person as a friend. At any rate, this particular issue arose and turned into a disaster. Words said and things done that may or may not have been right choices. I do know that at the time, I was VERY sure of myself and quite set in my thoughts concerning the wrongs I felt had been done to me. Stepping back a couple of months later, I find myself wondering if perhaps I was too harsh, or if maybe I had no right to say anything at all. I know that at the time, I was terribly hurt and was unable to wrap my mind around the "why" of the situation. I couldn't make it make sense and it drove me crazy. Finally I was able to let go and forgive and forget any and all wrongdoing.
Now though, this person, whom I wasn't sure would ever really even by friend again, chose to come to me to apologize, after already having apologized previously. Let me just say, it's a VERY humbling experience to be on the accepting end of an unprovoked, sincere, and unwarranted apology. It's hard to find the right words to express the shock I felt at first, and then the immense wave of humility that washed over me. What an expression of love for another person--to admit you were wrong by apologizing for your actions. That means accepting culpability which most people refuse to do and instead simply shift blame to someone else. What a man of God it takes to be able to do that. So, to this friend I say, "Thank you. I appreciate your heart. I wish I could understand what brought you to that point, but it's not for me to know. Truly, it doesn't matter anyway. You simply need to know that your words, though simple and few, were much appreciated, and I'm proud of who you're becoming."

His banner over me is love, love, love

So a friend of mine told me to listen to a sermon earlier tonight from Elevation Church where Steven Furtick is the pastor. The sermon was the first in a series about love and sex, the way God intended it as written in the Song of Solomon. Yeah, so you've heard it all before? Okay, well listen to it anyway. Go to www.elevationchurch.org Then go to Media, then Sermons, then Visionary Love and select #1. Not too complicated. If I can do it, anyone can.

The thing about this particular sermon is that Pastor Furtick so clearly expresses the incredible and beautiful nature of "visionary love." He defines the way a man should love a woman...becoming her shelter, shade, and protector. When I was listening, I was just sitting there thinking, "Yeah, right on man." The way God intends for a love relationship to be is amazing. I've never had that before--that encompassing, unconditional love, the kind that breathes new life into your soul and brings out all that is good within you. That is an experience I'm looking forward to in my life.

Now some may say, "You were married though Lex. Surely you had that." Yes, I was married, but it was a failed marriage, and it failed for a reason. Now do not think that I find myself blameless. I am as much at fault as he is. There was no infidelity, despite what the rumor mill may say. The problem from my perspective is that we were never really involved in a covenant marriage. We were roommates mostly. That's about it. Sometimes we were buddies. Husband and wife though--no. In this sermon, Pastor Furtick comments that it is better to be single and lonely than it is to be married and lonely. I would have to say that I agree. For my time being married was the loneliest, saddest time of my life. I sank down into a deep depression and allowed myself to become bitter, jaded, cynical, intolerant, impatient, unkind, merciless, and just plain mean. Never did I feel protected, cared for, sheltered, appreciated, important, beautiful, smart, or loved. I felt as though I was a convenience and a means; a way to perhaps achieve a pipe dream. I was only as good as the means I could provide. My worth was in my works and deeds not in what lay within my soul.

Listening to this message though, I am again encouraged. I see a hope for a bright future. My soul is filled with joy at the thought of a man loving me in such a way. I look forward to the day I can encourage and care for a man such as this: one who is kind and gentle, brilliant and patient, understanding and merciful, forgiving and gracious, wise and slow to anger, and above all these, loving, for love encompasses them all. Show me this man who does not need possess great wealth or beauty but who loves God first and me second. This is the man after my heart. This is the man upon whom all my hopes and dreams shall hang. There in his eyes the sun shall rise and set. His heart I will guard with my life. His honor and his good name shall be a prize above all else. For him, I shall wait.

Sleep eludes me so...

you guys get more of my incredibly profound thoughts. You can laugh. I was kidding about the profound part.

For real though, I was thinking just now about the concept of "knowing who you are." It's sort of an anomaly I think. I mean, you go through your whole life being you, yet you aren't entirely sure who you is. How does that even happen and what can we do about it?

I know for me, growing up my family instilled a pretty high moral standard for me. There were just always certain things I knew I should or should not do. I feel like that was the beginning of who I am today. As I got older though and experienced life, I went through some stuff. My dad dying when I was only 14 was a severe blow. I mean, that's not merely a flesh wound like the guy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was cut deep. I didn't even begin to think about healing from that for years either. Instead, I hid. I ran away from life by becoming someone who possessed an impenetrable heart. No one could hurt me. Nothing mattered. I just needed to be perfect, and everything else was just dandy.

The thing about that is though...you need people to make it through life. As I was, I only pushed everyone away or kept them all at arm's length. That's just not an effective method for living. So...I decided to try to trust people...sort of. (By the way, I am guilty of a gross overuse of an ellipsis.) Anyway, I only half way trusted certain people. Then, I finally jumped off the ledge and went full force into trusting one person. It ended in a mess, and throughout my time trusting that person, I found myself falling into a deep, dark hole. I mean, I was seriously in the mire. Yet, there was God (he was there the whole time, I just didn't pay attention, which is very in character for me). At any rate, the Big Guy (can we call God the Big Lebowski or is that totally uncool?) pulled me up out of the pit, set my feet upon the rock, and made my footsteps firm. Yeah, just like Psalm 121 says he'll do. I'm glad he excels at follow through when it comes to promises because I do not.

Wow, that was all over the place. Welcome to my brain. Back to it though, now here I am. I am learning all over again about what it is to trust people. I have learned that I possess great value and worth for the kingdom of God, which is FAR more important than any worth man may put upon me. I understand now my purpose in life, which was for so long a complete and utter mystery to me. I feel like I get it now.

How did I arrive at this point? By making an awful lot of mistakes for one. Another thing too, I had to be broken. I really hit an all time low back at the beginning of the year. I thought the world was going to crash down around me. I don't know precisely what happened...I did put myself on restriction for about 10 different things which may have helped. Anyway, I don't know how it got turned around. Must have been quite simply the grace of God. I was in trouble before, and I couldn't find my footing. Nor did I have the courage to tell anyone as much. It's coming to me now though. I'm finding my way.

hmm...

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed with this post, but I suppose I'll just see where I end up. Sometimes it seems that there are a thousand thoughts swirling in my mind, but not one of them is clear or possesses the ability to stand out from the rest. So, here I am trying to figure out what exactly is at the forefront of my mind. Writing is a great tool to do just that in my opinion.

You know, I by no means claim to be an intellectual or an artist or an eccentric, but these are things that I truly admire in other people, and there is a piece of me that hopes I fit into one of those categories in at least some small way. I don't know precisely what it is about those sorts of people that attract me so much. I think it has something to do with the generally quiet nature they exhibit, but more so, I'd have to say it's the fact that they stand out from the pack. I feel like too often people are so afraid to be different, but man, it's SO attractive when someone is bold enough to be independent, think freely, wear whatever he chooses...gosh, I don't know. I just love the courage it takes to be different.

I don't want to be like everyone else. God, I hope no one ever lumps me in the same group as "all those other girls." Truly, I hope to be different. Never do I want to be the girl who needs to be the center of attention. I don't want to have to be the pretty girl. I don't want to be the loud, obnoxious girl. I don't want to be typical. I want to be anything but. I want to relish all of my little idiosyncrasies. I hope to open my mind and think. I want to be challenged in my thoughts actually. I'd LOVE to meet someone who will sit and talk for hours about the world, politics, religion, culture, etc. I want to be pushed. I want to be forced outside of my mental comfort zone. I want to understand other people's opinions and why they do what they do.

You know, as Christians we're called to be different. It seems to me though that all too often we get caught up in being...ugh, dare I say this loathed word..."relevant." yuck. I don't even like writing that word. It's really played out. At any rate, I think it could well be a downfall for the church. I understand the concept behind wanting to be...the loathed word, BUT despite the good intentions, I think a lot of the time people forget what it means to be a Christian. We're to love people. Love the sinner hate the sin. We aren't supposed to be like them though. All the cool designer jeans in the world won't make anyone any more holy, nor will it make that person's relationship with God seem any more desirable for someone on the outside looking in.

So, my next thought is, what do I do that makes me like "everyone else"? Are the things that define me as such harmful, beneficial, irrelevant? How can I change to be more effective for the kingdom of God? What about me is too much like the world that I don't stand out anymore?

What I want and who I want to be...

I have been privileged to endure a rather tumultuous time over the last year. Privileged? Yes. Privileged, and even blessed. My year has been full of ups and downs and so much hurt and so many questions. Through that however, God has brought me to a place of such great understanding. I don't dare say that I have attained complete clarity, but certainly, I have been blessed with a far more clear understanding of what is expected of me, who I want to be, and the woman God created me to be. For this, I am truly grateful. As a dear friend of mine once told me, "Ali, when you can use your baggage as your ministry, you're in a good place." I feel like I'm coming to that point, and I LOVE being able to play a role in healing the wounds of those around me by being able to love them wholly and share my perspective. Being able to relate to people and connect on a very specific level is an honor. Already I have been able to share with several of my very close friends my experiences and my heart and in doing so, God has used to me to help them through their current issues in life. So yes, I am privileged to have weathered the storm.

So now I am at a point where I am defining who I want to be and carving out my future. I choose to be someone of great compassion and understanding, seeking the wisdom of God in every decision I make. Oh I hope to be wise beyond my years, and I pray that I will be of humble spirit and mild temper. I pray for strength for I know this is not the last storm that shall pass over me. I do not desire beauty or riches. I simply hope to be a woman who emulates Christ through constant and unconditional love for people. That is my heart's desire.

What I want is someone who can challenge me to be a better person, to love better, to be smarter, to seek more wisdom, to be at peace, to rest, and to be humble. I understand that none of the gifts I have are of me in any way. I do not ever want to act as though they are. I hope and pray that I never come across as one who thinks she's better than anyone else for any reason. I hope to put all others before myself in every situation. I hope to act with great mercy, grace, and humility. I want someone who can stand beside me and act in the same way. I do not seek someone showy and loud. I seek one with a quiet and gracious spirit who simply loves people and is willing to admit his mistakes and learn from them. I want someone who chooses greatness every time and doesn't take the easy way out. I want someone who isn't afraid.

If that person cannot be found, I choose no one. I would prefer to be alone and live my life for my God as opposed to being sucked in by another who will inevitably only hurt me and distract me from all that is good in my life. Above all else, I want people to see my life and my heart and know God through my love for others. Christ's love is the banner I choose to wave.

oh yeah...

so I remembered the other thing I wanted to address in the last post. Here goes...

I was telling my counselor about how I've felt so restless lately-unable to sleep, feel like I can't breathe, sort of like the walls are closing in-hence chopping off my hair. It was either that or move to NYC. Seriously, I had to do something.

Being the wise man that he is, my counselor offered up this little nugget of goodness. He kindly explained to me that in his experience a state of restlessness as described above generally is Satan making an attempt to cloud his mind and create confusion so he doesn't hear God. I sat there and went over that in my mind for a moment, and then my counselor continued with his explanation. He told me that in those times of restlessness he's found that sitting quietly for 14 days and listening for God he has found peace. Now he's not saying to sit locked in a room without making a noise for 14 days. Obviously you have to carry on with typical daily activities like work. He referenced that verse that says "Be still and know that I am God." Good call there huh? My counselor also said that often decisions made in restlessness are not of God because our God is one of peace, not one of confusion. Now this isn't exactly a new revelation I suppose, but what a good reminder.

The problem for me though is this. I have no idea how to be still and just listen. Seriously, I don't know how to relax. I'm either going at 100mph, or I'm sleeping. There's no in-between. With that in mind, I have found myself striving to learn more. I need to understand why this restlessness has overcome me for the past month. I need to know how to be at peace and how to be still as well.

Any and all advice is welcome. :)

A few things...

From the get go here, let me go ahead and say, this posting more than likely won't exactly maintain any one static theme. It's going to be a bit random, but random is sort of what I do. That said, let's do it.

First of all, I wanted to point out that I am of the opinion that writing is complicated. It seems that often people sit down with a plan to write something really profound, but it seems that that sort of writing always turns out to be the worst. It's like when a comedian is directed to be funny on the spot, and it just doesn't work out. They're funny people, but it has to come naturally. Same with writing. I think if people would simply write what's on their minds and hearts, they would produce a much better piece of work. Point is, quit trying so hard. I guess that applies to all sorts of things in life really...writing, being funny, sounding intellectual, being cool, etc. Give it a rest okay? Just be you.

Next up, I learned some things today when I went to see my counselor. By the way, going to counseling is so very insightful. I think everyone should go every so often just to get a check on what's up in life. Anyway, back to what I learned. In my counseling sessions, being that I'm a relational person, that is what we have been discussing on a lot of different levels. Today we talked about how I feel compelled to fix people because I intently see how they are hurt. This is all well and good, but something I had never considered was fixing my own hurt first. Hmm...that may not make sense. For example, let's say someone really hurts me emotionally. First I get angry, then I get really sad, and then I feel pity for the other person because I see his or her pain. Tracking with me so far? Okay, so what my counselor was explaining to me is that although it's great that I look at "exterior pain" (being that of the other person), I need to also look at the "interior" (me) and see what's going on there and see what can be done about it. Maybe that's common sense for everyone else, but for me, this is totally new concept. So, I'm going for it. I'm trying to look to myself to see what's going on there and see what's happening and why.

Hmm...there was something else I wanted to mention also. Hang on...

Man, I can't remember. I'm too tired to remember right now. It'll come to me later and I'll post a new entry. :)

I need someone to open the pickle jar...

Or juice, or salsa, or whatever the case may be.

Let me back up and tell this story from the beginning...
So, back a little over 5 years ago, I got married. Yes, that's right I entered into a committed adult relationship bound by God and the great state of North Carolina. Somewhere along the way though, this relationship took a dive. The problem is that the beginning of the end started well before we even got married. I was simply too young, naive, and uninformed to know any better or any different. Incidentally, I found myself locked into a marriage relationship that operated more as though it were a business contract. It seemed like we were always in negotiations or as though we were in some courtroom discussing corporate law. I really think the Enron case was more peaceful than my marriage. After years of battling with each other, it seemed that there was no other option aside from separation. At the mention of that idea, "he" said that separation meant immediate divorce. Well, okay then. So, I moved out. Got my own apartment and found myself in a dark, lonely place. Within that place though, I began to find healing and a sense of who I really am. I found this person inside of me whom I had not known for years. Slowly the dark and cold faded and melted away turning into a warm light. This sense of self began to define who I was for the first time in as long as I could remember, and it's quite refreshing.

Then after a bit, I moved in with an old friend. I met all these new people who opened my eyes even wider to who I am and who I want to be. Initially when I met them, I faced them with great trepidation and apprehension. I was so sure that they had heard stories and rumors about me. I was positive they would look at me and think smugly, "Who does this girl think she is? Shouldn't she be wearing a scarlet 'A' pinned to her sweater?" Nice huh? I prejudged a whole group of people because I thought they would do the same to me. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

The next problem arose though when I became the equivalent to a new toy at Christmas. I peaked all this interest because I was shiny and new, but then, that all slowed to a halt just as I had predicted it would. I sort of relished the attention a bit before. I had never really received anything like that in my past. It was a welcome change from being ignored constantly and never being made to feel important. All the attention, though foreign to me, was so warm and embracing. All these new people endeared themselves to me right away. As I said though, eventually reality set in and all that initial excitement plateaued.

Now I find myself often feeling lonely and as though I don't fit in anywhere. It's like I don't quite have a place to belong. I was so used to being incredibly independent, but then I found out how much I need people and want them around all the time. I want someone to always be there. I want a buddy, a friend, a confidant. I want to have someone in my life who will shoot straight with me, who will tell me I'm beautiful and smart, who will play games with me, who will make me his top priority, who will love me unconditionally, who will indulge my love of shoes and all things pretty, who is simply content to just be with me, and who will open the jar of Claussen pickles when I need one to put on my sandwich. It's hard to admit, but I can't do it all by myself. I used to think I could, but then I found out the truth, and the pickle jar despite its best effort will not open of its own volition.

Right to an opinion

I honestly believe that every individual should be guaranteed the right to his or her own opinion. Absolutely. My thing is, I want to know how and why those opinions are formulated. What makes one person think one way and someone else see something in a completely different light. I don't think it has anything to do with intellect at all. Take politics for example. It seems that often people base their political opinions on feelings instead of facts and what's best for the nation as a whole. Why is that? As a culture are so immersed in "feel good" that we push all reason and logic aside? I don't think there is a right or wrong opinion. That's the thing about opinions you know? I do think that people should probably be more well informed before stating their opinions though and certainly be open minded to those of other people. I for one REALLY want to talk to someone who likes Barack, and I want to know why. I don't get it, but man would I love to. Someone, PLEASE explain!