What I want and who I want to be...

I have been privileged to endure a rather tumultuous time over the last year. Privileged? Yes. Privileged, and even blessed. My year has been full of ups and downs and so much hurt and so many questions. Through that however, God has brought me to a place of such great understanding. I don't dare say that I have attained complete clarity, but certainly, I have been blessed with a far more clear understanding of what is expected of me, who I want to be, and the woman God created me to be. For this, I am truly grateful. As a dear friend of mine once told me, "Ali, when you can use your baggage as your ministry, you're in a good place." I feel like I'm coming to that point, and I LOVE being able to play a role in healing the wounds of those around me by being able to love them wholly and share my perspective. Being able to relate to people and connect on a very specific level is an honor. Already I have been able to share with several of my very close friends my experiences and my heart and in doing so, God has used to me to help them through their current issues in life. So yes, I am privileged to have weathered the storm.

So now I am at a point where I am defining who I want to be and carving out my future. I choose to be someone of great compassion and understanding, seeking the wisdom of God in every decision I make. Oh I hope to be wise beyond my years, and I pray that I will be of humble spirit and mild temper. I pray for strength for I know this is not the last storm that shall pass over me. I do not desire beauty or riches. I simply hope to be a woman who emulates Christ through constant and unconditional love for people. That is my heart's desire.

What I want is someone who can challenge me to be a better person, to love better, to be smarter, to seek more wisdom, to be at peace, to rest, and to be humble. I understand that none of the gifts I have are of me in any way. I do not ever want to act as though they are. I hope and pray that I never come across as one who thinks she's better than anyone else for any reason. I hope to put all others before myself in every situation. I hope to act with great mercy, grace, and humility. I want someone who can stand beside me and act in the same way. I do not seek someone showy and loud. I seek one with a quiet and gracious spirit who simply loves people and is willing to admit his mistakes and learn from them. I want someone who chooses greatness every time and doesn't take the easy way out. I want someone who isn't afraid.

If that person cannot be found, I choose no one. I would prefer to be alone and live my life for my God as opposed to being sucked in by another who will inevitably only hurt me and distract me from all that is good in my life. Above all else, I want people to see my life and my heart and know God through my love for others. Christ's love is the banner I choose to wave.