Funny isn't it how life has such an interesting way of teaching you lessons. I have been all screwed up in the head lately, to the point of losing sleep and just generally driving myself (and probably my friends) crazy. (sorry about that guys.) So anyway, I was talking over a few of my most current dilemas with one of my most favorite friends earlier tonight, and suddenly, her absolute direct bluntness said it all. I'll refrain from using her exact verbage so as not to offend anyone with, shall we say, virgin ears, but the gist of what she was getting at is that I'm a sucker, and I let people screw with my head. Duly noted, and I'm much obliged for the wake up call. Not only that, but I let other people's problems and issues rule over me. I mean seriously, it's like I take ownership of other people's shit. Awesome right? I know. This is why I can't sleep, and it's ridiculous. I mean, I love a good glass of wine, but really, it probably shouldn't be a necessity to ensure a good night's sleep. Isn't that what the sheep with numbers on their sides are for?
I suppose the whole point here is that sometimes you need a swift kick in the pants to get off your ass and get on with life. What's that old adage? No use crying over spilled milk? Point taken. Thank you very much.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Trinity...
I love my church. I really do. I don't like going out of town because I don't want to miss Sunday morning. I feel like it's the one place in this city where I fit in. It is a place of acceptance, a safehaven if you will, a place where judgment is not found, but in it's place is love--real love, Christ love. In this place I do not have to be anyone other than who I am. I don't have to wear the right jeans or have the newest "it" bag, etc. I am free to be who I am with all of my impurities and imperfections. Here I find a wellspring of life. This is the one place that satisfies so many of my innate cravings and desires. I leave feeling full every Sunday. Not once have I left without a new perspective or a fresh understanding of God's love and how it is applicable in my own life. Every week I not so patiently await for Sunday to arrive again, yearning to be refueled.
For all of this and so much more, I am so truly grateful. The worship is simple but so powerful, and the teaching is incredible and truly from the heart. I have been seeking this home for so long, and after being a regular attender of Trinity for about a year and half, I have truly found where I belong. It is home.
www.trinityvineyard.org
For all of this and so much more, I am so truly grateful. The worship is simple but so powerful, and the teaching is incredible and truly from the heart. I have been seeking this home for so long, and after being a regular attender of Trinity for about a year and half, I have truly found where I belong. It is home.
www.trinityvineyard.org
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Sometimes I wonder...
So a friend of mine says I look like Fivel, yeah, that goofy looking mouse from...I don't know the name of the movie, and all I can think of is the Land Before Time, but that's about dinosaurs. Anyway, you know the Fivel song? The one about somewhere out there...blah blah blah...the point of the song is that someone somewhere out there loves this poor, homely, disheveled mouse. My question though is this: Is there really someone out there for me? Really? Someone who is blown away by who I am, who can finish my sentences, who knows what I'm thinking before I even say anything, who laughs with me, who thinks like me, who will hold me close when I'm hurt, who will protect me, who will love me, who will honor, adore, and cherish me? I know I'm asking a lot. I realize this, but this is my heart's desire. There is a big empty space within my heart waiting to be filled by someone like this. The same someone for whom I would do anything. The someone around whom my world would revolve.
I made the mistake of thinking I found this person, only to learn that the person loved himself far more than he loved me. That was a painful realization--to learn that you're not that important after all is really rather shocking. The painful truth of finding out that you barely rank on someone's to-do list when they are EVERY entry on your own is just crushing.
After all of that, I felt like I had to really rebuild the walls that had once before so strongly guarded my heart. Before that relationship I had been terrified of getting hurt, but after years, I learned to let myself love fully. Then, after being beaten down for years and believing all sorts of deceptions I escaped and sought to find myself again.
So this journey of finding me began nearly a year ago. I feel like I have learned so much about who God made me to be. I feel like my relationship with Him has grown immensely. Yet deep within my soul there is this insatiable desire and need to be loved and cared for. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I want a tangible love. I want a man to grab me up and really kiss me, and mean it. I don't ever want to be just another girl again. I want to know that some man thinks I'm special, and thinks I'm worth whatever price he has to pay. But, is that man really out there? I often feel like I will forever be alone.
I made the mistake of thinking I found this person, only to learn that the person loved himself far more than he loved me. That was a painful realization--to learn that you're not that important after all is really rather shocking. The painful truth of finding out that you barely rank on someone's to-do list when they are EVERY entry on your own is just crushing.
After all of that, I felt like I had to really rebuild the walls that had once before so strongly guarded my heart. Before that relationship I had been terrified of getting hurt, but after years, I learned to let myself love fully. Then, after being beaten down for years and believing all sorts of deceptions I escaped and sought to find myself again.
So this journey of finding me began nearly a year ago. I feel like I have learned so much about who God made me to be. I feel like my relationship with Him has grown immensely. Yet deep within my soul there is this insatiable desire and need to be loved and cared for. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I want a tangible love. I want a man to grab me up and really kiss me, and mean it. I don't ever want to be just another girl again. I want to know that some man thinks I'm special, and thinks I'm worth whatever price he has to pay. But, is that man really out there? I often feel like I will forever be alone.
Ouch!
So when I was a kid, I was a figure skater. I was pretty good. I could do all sorts of spins and jumps, and I certainly wasn't afraid of getting hurt or anything like that. Well, today I decided to go skating...a mere 12 years since I was really involved in the sport. Not only did I pull a muscle in my shoulder, bruise my elbow, and bust my tail while quite literally bouncing across the ice, but my fragile ego got obliterated! I must admit, it was all quite comical.
I don't really think of myself as someone who overspiritualizes life or anything, but I do feel like my skating adventure today does dovetail quite nicely into my last post about living in humility. By the way, I think the word "overspiritualize" isn't actually a word. At least it isn't acknowledged as such by my spell check. I wonder if bootylicious is? Hmm...nope. It's underlined in red too.
Okay, moving on. My point is, even though I tried to do an axle today, which by the way I used to be able to do very easily and even with a little grace, and then I fell, slid and bounced my way across the ice, fell down the stairs at the skating rink (a 6 year old boy said "Hey lady, you okay?" I thought to myself "Great kid, thanks. I'm just an idiot."), and all around just sucked it up big time, it was a great experience. I suppose I've needed to be taken down a few notches lately. I guess I was at about an eleven, and I needed to roll in at around a 6. So, here I am--wallowing around in the recognition that I'm really not that awesome, and it's great. :)
I don't really think of myself as someone who overspiritualizes life or anything, but I do feel like my skating adventure today does dovetail quite nicely into my last post about living in humility. By the way, I think the word "overspiritualize" isn't actually a word. At least it isn't acknowledged as such by my spell check. I wonder if bootylicious is? Hmm...nope. It's underlined in red too.
Okay, moving on. My point is, even though I tried to do an axle today, which by the way I used to be able to do very easily and even with a little grace, and then I fell, slid and bounced my way across the ice, fell down the stairs at the skating rink (a 6 year old boy said "Hey lady, you okay?" I thought to myself "Great kid, thanks. I'm just an idiot."), and all around just sucked it up big time, it was a great experience. I suppose I've needed to be taken down a few notches lately. I guess I was at about an eleven, and I needed to roll in at around a 6. So, here I am--wallowing around in the recognition that I'm really not that awesome, and it's great. :)
Phillippians 2:1-13
Wow, funny isn't it the way God works. He's very intentional I think. This morning at church, I was again rather dumbfounded upon hearing the sermon...all about working together with brothers and sisters in Christ through humility. Paul was telling the Phillipians to work out their problems with one another by putting others before themselves and being of like mind. I learned this morning that being of like mind means simply being of like attitude, not like intellectual ideas, etc. For example, we will not always agree on politics, etc., but our attitudes toward one another need to be the same, respecting the opinions of others, etc.
Another thing I learned this morning is that living this life of humility is way that we as Christians can translate our relationship with Christ into our daily lives. In order to do so though, we must first seek healing from past inflictions and wounds.
How well this applies in my life. What a wonderful lesson to learn, and it was spoken so clearly this morning. I understand so much better now what is asked of me.
Another thing I learned this morning is that living this life of humility is way that we as Christians can translate our relationship with Christ into our daily lives. In order to do so though, we must first seek healing from past inflictions and wounds.
How well this applies in my life. What a wonderful lesson to learn, and it was spoken so clearly this morning. I understand so much better now what is asked of me.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Lists...
Lists always interest me. All sorts of lists really. Groceries, to-do, awesomeness, etc. Here is a list of, well, randomness I guess.
1. Se7ven--great movie. watching it now. Fantastic concept
2. Massive storms and other natual disasters--fascinating and completely mind blowing. I LOVE them. I even want to go on one of those tornado chaser thingys...very cool
3. Facebook--social and technological phenomenon. I canceled my...membership (?) about a year ago, but then I reopened it a few months ago. I like the ability to be able to connect with old friends and keep up with what everyone is doing, BUT, I kinda feel like maybe it can become a bit unhealthy. I mean really, what did I do before I felt the need to constantly update my status?
4. Johnatha Brooke--little known artist. I like her stuff. "Ten Cent Wings" is all around a pretty good album
5. I love ice cream, particularly mint chocolate chip, but it has to be the green kind.
6. My need to buy shoes is dwindling. As hard as I try, I haven't found any that are actually THAT much cuter than anything I already own. Alas, it's somewhat disheartening.
7. I enjoy hanging solo. I forgot that I like it so much. It's nice being able to do whatever whenever. Plus, it's so relaxing.
8. Making food at home-WAY better option than eating out. It's just as yummy, and way healthier.
9. Despite my affinity for kicking it on my own, I do in fact REALLY want a buddy. Not just a buddy, but a best friend who gets me and isn't scared to grab me and kiss me. That's right, be a man. There's nothing better.
10. Movie night at home just might be one of the greatest ideas ever.
1. Se7ven--great movie. watching it now. Fantastic concept
2. Massive storms and other natual disasters--fascinating and completely mind blowing. I LOVE them. I even want to go on one of those tornado chaser thingys...very cool
3. Facebook--social and technological phenomenon. I canceled my...membership (?) about a year ago, but then I reopened it a few months ago. I like the ability to be able to connect with old friends and keep up with what everyone is doing, BUT, I kinda feel like maybe it can become a bit unhealthy. I mean really, what did I do before I felt the need to constantly update my status?
4. Johnatha Brooke--little known artist. I like her stuff. "Ten Cent Wings" is all around a pretty good album
5. I love ice cream, particularly mint chocolate chip, but it has to be the green kind.
6. My need to buy shoes is dwindling. As hard as I try, I haven't found any that are actually THAT much cuter than anything I already own. Alas, it's somewhat disheartening.
7. I enjoy hanging solo. I forgot that I like it so much. It's nice being able to do whatever whenever. Plus, it's so relaxing.
8. Making food at home-WAY better option than eating out. It's just as yummy, and way healthier.
9. Despite my affinity for kicking it on my own, I do in fact REALLY want a buddy. Not just a buddy, but a best friend who gets me and isn't scared to grab me and kiss me. That's right, be a man. There's nothing better.
10. Movie night at home just might be one of the greatest ideas ever.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The answer...
well, for the time being anyway since I'm not moving anywhere, and I just jumped a plane last week so I can't do that right now...I'm chopping off my hair. That's right, the 12 year old girl hair is about to find itself in the trash, only to be replaced by fun short hair...inspired by the lovely Victoria Beckham circa 2007. :) Here we go...
http://www.imnotobsessed.com/image/peoplevictorbeck.jpg
http://www.imnotobsessed.com/image/peoplevictorbeck.jpg
Restless...
You know that feeling of not belonging and wanting to find a place where you fit in, find people who get you, and do something with your life that makes sense and is fulfilling? That's where I am. It's overwhelming, and sometimes it's like I can't quite breathe, like I want to burst out of my own skin and run far away to some other place (where I don't know). My heart feels like it's pounding in my chest at a thousand beats per minute. My mind wanders off and I'm unable to focus. I'm antsy and can't relax or sit still. My hands even shake.
That's how I feel this morning. I am at a place of great unrest...searching for something more, some kind of peace or something...I don't know how to find it. I try hard to block out these thoughts and countless others and simply get through the day. I just need to get my work done and go home. Then what though, and why? Simply to do it all over again tomorrow? Great. So what's next? Am I at a dead end? Where do I go from here?
It seems, in my mind at least, that perhaps finding a group of like minded people who understand the way I think would be a good place to start in this quest for peace. Perhaps unconditional love and acceptance would allow me to rest, but it seems elusive no matter how hard I fight for it.
Maybe that's not even it. I don't know what it is, but there's something missing. I have friends, food, clothing, shelter...my basic needs are met, but it's not enough. There is still this huge puzzle piece that I cannot find, and I can't complete the puzzle until I do. I need more. It's like I'm bound by this, and all I want is to be free.
That's how I feel this morning. I am at a place of great unrest...searching for something more, some kind of peace or something...I don't know how to find it. I try hard to block out these thoughts and countless others and simply get through the day. I just need to get my work done and go home. Then what though, and why? Simply to do it all over again tomorrow? Great. So what's next? Am I at a dead end? Where do I go from here?
It seems, in my mind at least, that perhaps finding a group of like minded people who understand the way I think would be a good place to start in this quest for peace. Perhaps unconditional love and acceptance would allow me to rest, but it seems elusive no matter how hard I fight for it.
Maybe that's not even it. I don't know what it is, but there's something missing. I have friends, food, clothing, shelter...my basic needs are met, but it's not enough. There is still this huge puzzle piece that I cannot find, and I can't complete the puzzle until I do. I need more. It's like I'm bound by this, and all I want is to be free.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Random Observations...
On a lighter note from all my other previous posts...let's go over some things I'm noticing...
1. Candy corn, circus peanuts, pink coconut balls, the brown-pink-white striped weird chewy candy things, doughnuts (by the way, I hate when it's spelled 'donuts'), yellow soda, red and yellow bell peppers, and mushrooms all top my list of most loathed food. Yes, I left off things with faces. Why? Because I feel that considering that I am a vegetarian, for all you who know me, listing meat as a most loathed food would be redundant.
2. Despite it's taunting and the nearly irresistable sassiness of the lovely purple dress in NYC, I managed to refrain from purchasing it, hung it back neatly in its place in the boutique, and quietly walked away. YEA for self control! :) Not yea for not having a pretty new purple dress though...alas, we continue...
3. Chuck Taylors, while darling little shoes, perhaps were not created for walking ten miles a day in NYC...or anywhere for that matter.
4. I have a newfound appreciation for the deliciousness of Cocoa Puffs and the yummy chocolate milk they create. Thanks Peyton. :)
5. I need to eat more protein...this was drilled in my head ALL weekend long. No worries, I'm going to the store tomorrow to purchase more protein shake makings and more protein bars. Peyt, you can relax now.
6. Glasses are not the same as sunglasses. People actually can see you staring at them or making funny faces. Oops.
7. Running in ballet flats through the airport with hopes of making your connecting flight...not so awesome.
8. Hitting people becasue they're dressed up like an orange...also not awesome.
9. The All-State commercial I'm referencing with regards to the awesomeness of the two previous listings...pretty awesome.
10. It's annoying that I can't find the commercial on You Tube so I can post the thingy to show everyone what I'm talking about.
11. This one's a bonus for tonight...and not so much an observation, but more of wishful thinking...I really want a pair of those Hulk Hands!
****Just for fun for all you big kids... www.jumpinjammerz.com that's right, footie pajamas for all, and even some snazzy Union Jack suits. Now we're talking
1. Candy corn, circus peanuts, pink coconut balls, the brown-pink-white striped weird chewy candy things, doughnuts (by the way, I hate when it's spelled 'donuts'), yellow soda, red and yellow bell peppers, and mushrooms all top my list of most loathed food. Yes, I left off things with faces. Why? Because I feel that considering that I am a vegetarian, for all you who know me, listing meat as a most loathed food would be redundant.
2. Despite it's taunting and the nearly irresistable sassiness of the lovely purple dress in NYC, I managed to refrain from purchasing it, hung it back neatly in its place in the boutique, and quietly walked away. YEA for self control! :) Not yea for not having a pretty new purple dress though...alas, we continue...
3. Chuck Taylors, while darling little shoes, perhaps were not created for walking ten miles a day in NYC...or anywhere for that matter.
4. I have a newfound appreciation for the deliciousness of Cocoa Puffs and the yummy chocolate milk they create. Thanks Peyton. :)
5. I need to eat more protein...this was drilled in my head ALL weekend long. No worries, I'm going to the store tomorrow to purchase more protein shake makings and more protein bars. Peyt, you can relax now.
6. Glasses are not the same as sunglasses. People actually can see you staring at them or making funny faces. Oops.
7. Running in ballet flats through the airport with hopes of making your connecting flight...not so awesome.
8. Hitting people becasue they're dressed up like an orange...also not awesome.
9. The All-State commercial I'm referencing with regards to the awesomeness of the two previous listings...pretty awesome.
10. It's annoying that I can't find the commercial on You Tube so I can post the thingy to show everyone what I'm talking about.
11. This one's a bonus for tonight...and not so much an observation, but more of wishful thinking...I really want a pair of those Hulk Hands!
****Just for fun for all you big kids... www.jumpinjammerz.com that's right, footie pajamas for all, and even some snazzy Union Jack suits. Now we're talking
I'm back...
Back from a long weekend in NYC. It was great, really. I dont say that in a lacksadaisical sort of way. I'm sincere. The weekend was awesome, and I didnt even buy anything--not even the super pretty purple dress taunting me at Jessie James. I practiced great self control.
The weekend wasn't about shopping or just having fun though. It was about being a real friend to someone who needed exactly that--someone who was in great need of unconditional love and who could no longer withstand to be under the pressure inflicted from bearing the scrutiny and judgment of others. "Others" would be people who are close friends and family yet are on the periphery of a situation which they do not understand. So, honestly, I feel like God sent me. I've been through a lot of what she's been through. I understand first hand how she feels. It was a blessing bestowed upon me to be asked to and love someone--a girl who is my oldest friend in the world, who is like my own sister. The funny part is, we've grown apart over the years. Not that we ever weren't friends or anything, we just weren't really tight. My recent past however brought us back together and allowed me the opportunity to go this weekend and talk things out with her right when she really needed it. I am so very grateful for such an incredible opportunity. And what a blessing it was to me to receive so much appreciation and gratitude for doing something that seems so ordinary...going to visit an old friend.
The more I think about how blessed I was this weekend, the more I sit just shaking my head. What a wonderful God I serve. He truly uses the toughest times in our lives to bless and teach his children. It's hard to see or understand when you're in the midst of it, but when sifting through the aftermath, trying to make sense of it all, suddenly everything begins to come into focus. Life no longer appears as though one is looking through the lens of a kaleidoscope. Slowly, steadily, and surely, clarity makes its way on the scene, often unnoticed at first, but then there it is, out of nowhere.
If you had asked me a year ago what my life meant or why I'm on this earth or why I had to deal with pain and suffering in my past, you would've received some bitter, jaded answer from a cynic who questioned God, wasn't sure she possessed any value worldly or otherwise, and was certain that unconditional love was about as real as Santa Claus. Now though, my perspective has changed immensely. My roommate told me it's like I'm becoming me again. Tragic though it was, for a bit I was another person living in my body. I was angry, bitter, and cold. I had no patience or tolerance for anyone or anything. I simply lived each day to get to the next. I had no purpose whatsoever.
Then, the walls came tumbling down. The levy broke and my heart was flooded with emotion for the first time in years. A new understanding of who I am began to form. I started to see why God made me the way I am, and for the first time, didn't resent it. I started to acknowledge and embrace the good things about myself, seeking to find a way to share them others. And so, I have arrived at this current position in life. I have been able to relate to so many of my friends already. I have been allowed to share advice, thoughts, and often just a compassionate and understanding ear. This is why I am me. This is why God made me the way I am. I truly am so sincerely grateful for being created in this way. I do not possess the words needed to express the feeling that arises when I realize the depth of what God has given me--thanks, appreciation, joy, but ultimately, I am simply blown away.
The weekend wasn't about shopping or just having fun though. It was about being a real friend to someone who needed exactly that--someone who was in great need of unconditional love and who could no longer withstand to be under the pressure inflicted from bearing the scrutiny and judgment of others. "Others" would be people who are close friends and family yet are on the periphery of a situation which they do not understand. So, honestly, I feel like God sent me. I've been through a lot of what she's been through. I understand first hand how she feels. It was a blessing bestowed upon me to be asked to and love someone--a girl who is my oldest friend in the world, who is like my own sister. The funny part is, we've grown apart over the years. Not that we ever weren't friends or anything, we just weren't really tight. My recent past however brought us back together and allowed me the opportunity to go this weekend and talk things out with her right when she really needed it. I am so very grateful for such an incredible opportunity. And what a blessing it was to me to receive so much appreciation and gratitude for doing something that seems so ordinary...going to visit an old friend.
The more I think about how blessed I was this weekend, the more I sit just shaking my head. What a wonderful God I serve. He truly uses the toughest times in our lives to bless and teach his children. It's hard to see or understand when you're in the midst of it, but when sifting through the aftermath, trying to make sense of it all, suddenly everything begins to come into focus. Life no longer appears as though one is looking through the lens of a kaleidoscope. Slowly, steadily, and surely, clarity makes its way on the scene, often unnoticed at first, but then there it is, out of nowhere.
If you had asked me a year ago what my life meant or why I'm on this earth or why I had to deal with pain and suffering in my past, you would've received some bitter, jaded answer from a cynic who questioned God, wasn't sure she possessed any value worldly or otherwise, and was certain that unconditional love was about as real as Santa Claus. Now though, my perspective has changed immensely. My roommate told me it's like I'm becoming me again. Tragic though it was, for a bit I was another person living in my body. I was angry, bitter, and cold. I had no patience or tolerance for anyone or anything. I simply lived each day to get to the next. I had no purpose whatsoever.
Then, the walls came tumbling down. The levy broke and my heart was flooded with emotion for the first time in years. A new understanding of who I am began to form. I started to see why God made me the way I am, and for the first time, didn't resent it. I started to acknowledge and embrace the good things about myself, seeking to find a way to share them others. And so, I have arrived at this current position in life. I have been able to relate to so many of my friends already. I have been allowed to share advice, thoughts, and often just a compassionate and understanding ear. This is why I am me. This is why God made me the way I am. I truly am so sincerely grateful for being created in this way. I do not possess the words needed to express the feeling that arises when I realize the depth of what God has given me--thanks, appreciation, joy, but ultimately, I am simply blown away.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
sometimes...
I really hate being me. Sometimes it's just not fun. It's hard. Now I don't mean that I live some some brutally horrific life, but it gets really frustrating and certainly uncomfortable on occasion. This isn't very clear I realize. Let me try to explain...
I feel like God has created me quite simply to love people unconditionally even when they hurt and sometimes break me. I feel that I am supposed to simply forgive and continue loving. Because of that, I am persistent and intentional. I will not let anyone slide through the cracks. No matter how many times I get jerked around...I feel like God has asked me to love those who are doing the jerking. It's not easy. As Christians though, we are told "do this unto the least of these, and do it unto me" referring to how we treat others and how our actions are a reflection of how we treat God. We're also told to forgive 70 times 7 times...that's's a lot of forgiving. Also, we're told to love others as we love ourselves-treat people as we want to be treated. So, I am doing my best, giving all I have, to love people, and therefore, honor God. In that way, I hope to be a blessing to the very one who first loved us. After all, the unlovely seem to need the most love.
I feel like God has created me quite simply to love people unconditionally even when they hurt and sometimes break me. I feel that I am supposed to simply forgive and continue loving. Because of that, I am persistent and intentional. I will not let anyone slide through the cracks. No matter how many times I get jerked around...I feel like God has asked me to love those who are doing the jerking. It's not easy. As Christians though, we are told "do this unto the least of these, and do it unto me" referring to how we treat others and how our actions are a reflection of how we treat God. We're also told to forgive 70 times 7 times...that's's a lot of forgiving. Also, we're told to love others as we love ourselves-treat people as we want to be treated. So, I am doing my best, giving all I have, to love people, and therefore, honor God. In that way, I hope to be a blessing to the very one who first loved us. After all, the unlovely seem to need the most love.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Heart of the Matter...
is my heart, and the condition of it. Baring my soul is truly terrifying, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it as I have been trying to be more open and more trusting. So, I suppose it's best to simply lay it all out for the world to see without any fear of what someone may think of me...being open about all my doubts, worries, dreams, etc. I am me, and I have nothing to hide.
The condition of my heart at this exact moment is broken and reflective...hurting because I have hurt someone...fearful because I worry that a friendship is beyond repair and it's my fault...nervous about facing the relationship and possibly failing-getting turned away and falling on my face...again.
I often doubt myself. I rarely believe that I will measure up to any sort of standards whether they be a figment of my imagination or some real, defined expectations. I doubt my own intellect, and my wisdom...constantly questioning myself and seeking affirmation. Then, even upon receiving some sort of confirmation, I still go back and question my decision. I have a horrible fear of disappointing people I love, for disappointment is equivalent to failure in my heart, and I cannot fail. I do not trust people, and often not God. Why? Because I feel the need to be in control. I do not like ambiguous concepts. I need things in my life to be definitive. A broken relationship, to me, is beyond failure. It's capacity to make me feel worthless is immeasurable compared to all other sorts of struggles in life. I cannot let someone down, and hurting someone I love is the worst thing I can think of doing. I doubt that anyone will ever truly love me just as I am. I fear that I will forever be alone on this earth because no one will ever choose me, and I want so badly to be chosen.
Now, all of those things are not all that lay within my tender soul. As I have grown older and experienced more in my life, my heart has become one of great compassion and mercy...hurting for the souls of others. The rough edges that used to guard my heart have softened and grown delicate, allowing far more feelings to rise up within me than ever before. My heart too is filled with great love for others...a self sacrificial love that is capable only through the power of God. I alone would not have the strength or endurance to withstand the love that God has called me to willingly and generously dole out upon others. Humility too has washed over me as of late, as I lay down my pride and become willing to obey and to be wrong. This task of loving and forgiving is the frontrunner of my heart though. Those are the most pure and good things within me. They are non-negotiable, and I pray they define me and determine my actions. I hope that these things conquer all my fears, doubts, and worries so that the grace and mercy of God may be known through who I am...who He created me to be. I hope I can acheieve these lofty goals. I know I will fail at times, but I hope to be lifted up to a higher place after the falls I will inevitably take. I hope I am up to this challenge...
The condition of my heart at this exact moment is broken and reflective...hurting because I have hurt someone...fearful because I worry that a friendship is beyond repair and it's my fault...nervous about facing the relationship and possibly failing-getting turned away and falling on my face...again.
I often doubt myself. I rarely believe that I will measure up to any sort of standards whether they be a figment of my imagination or some real, defined expectations. I doubt my own intellect, and my wisdom...constantly questioning myself and seeking affirmation. Then, even upon receiving some sort of confirmation, I still go back and question my decision. I have a horrible fear of disappointing people I love, for disappointment is equivalent to failure in my heart, and I cannot fail. I do not trust people, and often not God. Why? Because I feel the need to be in control. I do not like ambiguous concepts. I need things in my life to be definitive. A broken relationship, to me, is beyond failure. It's capacity to make me feel worthless is immeasurable compared to all other sorts of struggles in life. I cannot let someone down, and hurting someone I love is the worst thing I can think of doing. I doubt that anyone will ever truly love me just as I am. I fear that I will forever be alone on this earth because no one will ever choose me, and I want so badly to be chosen.
Now, all of those things are not all that lay within my tender soul. As I have grown older and experienced more in my life, my heart has become one of great compassion and mercy...hurting for the souls of others. The rough edges that used to guard my heart have softened and grown delicate, allowing far more feelings to rise up within me than ever before. My heart too is filled with great love for others...a self sacrificial love that is capable only through the power of God. I alone would not have the strength or endurance to withstand the love that God has called me to willingly and generously dole out upon others. Humility too has washed over me as of late, as I lay down my pride and become willing to obey and to be wrong. This task of loving and forgiving is the frontrunner of my heart though. Those are the most pure and good things within me. They are non-negotiable, and I pray they define me and determine my actions. I hope that these things conquer all my fears, doubts, and worries so that the grace and mercy of God may be known through who I am...who He created me to be. I hope I can acheieve these lofty goals. I know I will fail at times, but I hope to be lifted up to a higher place after the falls I will inevitably take. I hope I am up to this challenge...
Restoration
I'm not exactly sure where to begin...how to put into words exactly what I'm thinking...
There is all this hurt and pain diluting the transparency of this relationship right now. It has come in like a wave and washed away all that was good and pure like grains of sand being sucked out into the sea. I see now where I have spoken harshly and in turn received a response that was less than pleasing, but perhaps fitting...or maybe not. Either way, the past cannot be changed. Things have been said and choices made that cannot be taken back. Words cut like a knife into the deepest caverns of hearts and therein secrets are stored and memories locked away. The challenge then is to find a way into a state of repair. What does that constitute? How does one arrive at such a vunerable place? Once there, is complete restoration truly possible, or does the pain simply get swept under the rug as people walk around pretending nothing ever happened? The latter simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That is the last thing I want. I am seeking complete and unconditional restoration-that which is a direct correlation to God's love, mercy, and forgiveness. This cannot be of me. I can try to say all the right words, turn the other cheek a thousand times, fall to my knees begging for forgiveness, but this still is a matter of the heart. That is not for man to heal, but for God. No matter what I say, I cannot win back the heart of man without holy intervention. This is a difficult realization for someone who always feels compelled to fix situations of her own accord, and generally seems able to do so, sometimes even with a bit of finesse. This is different though. I not only have been hurt myself, but I see that I have deeply hurt someone else. With this in my mind, I am deeply humbled. My heart's desire is simple and good--to repair that which I have broken and lay aside my own pride and arrogance in order to love my friend as Christ loves me. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask my God to reach down and redeem this friendship making it far better than could have ever been imagined. Bring healing and full restoration Lord. This can be only of you, for as proven, I will fail in my meager attempts.
This is my prayer Lord. Show me the way. I will make any sacrifice necessary, and I am glad to put my heart on the line yet again. I trust that if it gets trampled another time, it is your will, and you are teaching me. Give me understanding, compassion, grace, and wisdom far beyond my years...
There is all this hurt and pain diluting the transparency of this relationship right now. It has come in like a wave and washed away all that was good and pure like grains of sand being sucked out into the sea. I see now where I have spoken harshly and in turn received a response that was less than pleasing, but perhaps fitting...or maybe not. Either way, the past cannot be changed. Things have been said and choices made that cannot be taken back. Words cut like a knife into the deepest caverns of hearts and therein secrets are stored and memories locked away. The challenge then is to find a way into a state of repair. What does that constitute? How does one arrive at such a vunerable place? Once there, is complete restoration truly possible, or does the pain simply get swept under the rug as people walk around pretending nothing ever happened? The latter simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That is the last thing I want. I am seeking complete and unconditional restoration-that which is a direct correlation to God's love, mercy, and forgiveness. This cannot be of me. I can try to say all the right words, turn the other cheek a thousand times, fall to my knees begging for forgiveness, but this still is a matter of the heart. That is not for man to heal, but for God. No matter what I say, I cannot win back the heart of man without holy intervention. This is a difficult realization for someone who always feels compelled to fix situations of her own accord, and generally seems able to do so, sometimes even with a bit of finesse. This is different though. I not only have been hurt myself, but I see that I have deeply hurt someone else. With this in my mind, I am deeply humbled. My heart's desire is simple and good--to repair that which I have broken and lay aside my own pride and arrogance in order to love my friend as Christ loves me. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask my God to reach down and redeem this friendship making it far better than could have ever been imagined. Bring healing and full restoration Lord. This can be only of you, for as proven, I will fail in my meager attempts.
This is my prayer Lord. Show me the way. I will make any sacrifice necessary, and I am glad to put my heart on the line yet again. I trust that if it gets trampled another time, it is your will, and you are teaching me. Give me understanding, compassion, grace, and wisdom far beyond my years...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A Prayer for those who have hurt me...
I realize that when I have been hurt, my initial reaction is anger, then comes frustration, and slowly, a bit of understanding creeps its way in. I am hoping for the future to somehow obtain a great deal of wisdom so I am able to handle the pain in a better manner. I choose to no longer react in anger, but to allow the peace that passes all understanding to take over my heart so I may speak in love, seeing past my own pain to garner understanding of why someone would hurt me. I choose compasssion, grace, and mercy as my weapons of choice. I lay down my defenses...
Lord,
I beg of you to grant me the wisdom to understand why I find myself in these positions of laying my heart on the line, only to have it torn time and again. Please, grant me your peace so that I may in turn grant grace and mercy to those who have hurt me. I do not want to be bitter or angry. I choose to love above all else.
For those who have inflicted pain upon me, God, please bless them beyond belief so that they may rise up in great success. I pray that those people are honored and respected, and that they essentially are untouchable...impervious to the strongholds Satan has attempted to place in their lives. I ask of you God to enshroud them in your love and grace. Dole out upon them more blessings than are imaginable. Protect them. Send your angels to their defense so they may not even tread upon a stone. Clear their paths of all that may hinder their walks with you. Build them up so they may rise on wings of eagles, just as it is written in Isaiah. Hold them close to your heart Lord, and do not allow them the pain of rejection or failure, only the joys of greatness.
This I pray oh Lord, and ask of you to grant me the strength, love, and compassion to maintain this position. Protect me from all that may steal my joy so that I am able to make you known by my love for others.
Lord,
I beg of you to grant me the wisdom to understand why I find myself in these positions of laying my heart on the line, only to have it torn time and again. Please, grant me your peace so that I may in turn grant grace and mercy to those who have hurt me. I do not want to be bitter or angry. I choose to love above all else.
For those who have inflicted pain upon me, God, please bless them beyond belief so that they may rise up in great success. I pray that those people are honored and respected, and that they essentially are untouchable...impervious to the strongholds Satan has attempted to place in their lives. I ask of you God to enshroud them in your love and grace. Dole out upon them more blessings than are imaginable. Protect them. Send your angels to their defense so they may not even tread upon a stone. Clear their paths of all that may hinder their walks with you. Build them up so they may rise on wings of eagles, just as it is written in Isaiah. Hold them close to your heart Lord, and do not allow them the pain of rejection or failure, only the joys of greatness.
This I pray oh Lord, and ask of you to grant me the strength, love, and compassion to maintain this position. Protect me from all that may steal my joy so that I am able to make you known by my love for others.
Search for Significance
I wonder what it's like to be important. I don't mean important in the sense of being famous; moreso along the lines of being significant to someone, to be a top priority in someone's heart. I suppose that really what I'm talking about is the need to be loved fully and unconditionally. I want to be understood. I want to be chosen by someone. Essentially, I am seeking to be important to someone...a man. Now by no means am I saying that I need a man to complete me, but there is this innate desire within me to have a man fight for me, to cherish me, to love me, and to place me before all else in his life aside from God. I don't want to be told to wait until the timing is right. I want to be the princess who is saved from the fire now. I don't want to hear that if only I were different somehow, then maybe, just maybe things might work. I want someone who sees me for my worth, not simply as something pretty to be boxed up and taken out again when it's convenient. I have so much love in my heart that I cannot wait to give, but I want it to be reciprocated. Is there a way to find this significance? Can I somehow make it happen? Will someone hold me close and keep me safe, carefully guarding all that is good within me as opposed to keeping me at arm's length until he deems me worthy to spend his time with? Is there a man who will love me just as Christ loved the church? I realize that is a lot to ask, but can it be done? Will I always be an afterthought, a garnish on a plate? For once, can I take the spotlight instead of being upstaged by work, friends, sports, etc? Will I ever be loved like that? Or will I just always be the new toy? I spark interest for a short bit, but then I'm tossed aside with the toys from last Christmas.Slowly, the phone stops ringing, the emails cease, and I'm replaced with the next best thing. I do not want to be the flavor of the week ever again. Never do I desire to be simply a pretty face. I want to be handled with care...like a Faberge Egg--delicate, beautiful, and highly valuable.
I know that God sees my worth and loves as I am, for He created me. Yet this longing is insatiable. I am content with who I am, and I embrace all of my idiosyncracies, but I so strongly desire to share them all with someone tangible. I want to have someone to wrap their arms around me when I've had a long day, to celebrate with me at the joys in my life, or to simply sit and watch people pass by and talk...and understand.
Perhaps this is a dream, but I feel sure that one day this dream will become a reality. I want to be able to trust someone without having it thrown in my face time and again. I want to love and be loved...
I know that God sees my worth and loves as I am, for He created me. Yet this longing is insatiable. I am content with who I am, and I embrace all of my idiosyncracies, but I so strongly desire to share them all with someone tangible. I want to have someone to wrap their arms around me when I've had a long day, to celebrate with me at the joys in my life, or to simply sit and watch people pass by and talk...and understand.
Perhaps this is a dream, but I feel sure that one day this dream will become a reality. I want to be able to trust someone without having it thrown in my face time and again. I want to love and be loved...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Truth
As one who values the art of wordcraft, I think that truth is something that must be welded with great care and finesse so as not to misconstrue its core, but to also be presented with love and great compassion. The latter two are integral to the delivery of truth so as not to damage the heart or spirit of the one to whom truth is being spoken. Selecting the right words with care and precision is so very important for the same reason. If we speak in haste, we risk the chance of being terribly misunderstood, and the heart of the matter ends up lost in the midst of hurt and anger because words were not chosen carefully. However, it does seem absolute that whether wrapped in the loveliest of words or not, truth must be spoken.
The thing about truth is that it isn't always pretty. No matter that the core of truth may be surrounded in encouragement and edification, often, that center issue is so painful that all the rest simply falls to the wayside. Hurting someone appears to simply be a risk that one must be willing to take in order to speak the truth though. It is never the intent to cause pain or anger, but the truth is very often hard to hear, and even harder to accept. This seems to be where truth gets clouded...so as not to offend anyone or to step on toes, people muddle the truth to make it seem more pleasant. That, in my mind, is really unfair to all involved parties though. How is change and growth possible if the truth is never brought to the surface? How can relationships progress if the people involved are not honest and forthcoming with one another? How can we achieve greatness if we fear addressing the truth about ourselves?
The thing about truth is that it isn't always pretty. No matter that the core of truth may be surrounded in encouragement and edification, often, that center issue is so painful that all the rest simply falls to the wayside. Hurting someone appears to simply be a risk that one must be willing to take in order to speak the truth though. It is never the intent to cause pain or anger, but the truth is very often hard to hear, and even harder to accept. This seems to be where truth gets clouded...so as not to offend anyone or to step on toes, people muddle the truth to make it seem more pleasant. That, in my mind, is really unfair to all involved parties though. How is change and growth possible if the truth is never brought to the surface? How can relationships progress if the people involved are not honest and forthcoming with one another? How can we achieve greatness if we fear addressing the truth about ourselves?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Fear
Fear is an odd thing without a doubt--a bit of an anomaly I suppose. I think, that to a degree...a very minimal degree, fear is rather a healthy thing to possess. The problem arises when fear becomes the dictator of one's life. As the dictator of one's life, fear manifests itself in various ways, controlling many different facets, holding its victims captive and crippling its prey.
This evil fear sadly tramples down the hearts and spirits of many fine men, taking them from the brink of greatness to a pit of despair. It appears to be an epidemic in people these days.
Oh...to be continued...
This evil fear sadly tramples down the hearts and spirits of many fine men, taking them from the brink of greatness to a pit of despair. It appears to be an epidemic in people these days.
Oh...to be continued...
Confusion
Hmm...ironic I suppose that the title of this blog is "Clarity" yet the first posting is entitled "Confusion". That, however, is my current state of being. I am utterly confused. Now some may think that this is simply due to my somewhat spacy nature, but really, the source of my confusion lies in a broken relationship that surely needs not remain in such a state.
I have no idea how to fix this relationship, or if I even can, but I do feel that I need to try. Then there's the fact that I have absolutely apologized, rather well explained the state of my heart, asked for the opportunity to talk...all to no avail. So, what's next? How can one reconcile a relationship when the other person refuses to have any contact? What a tragic loss. A travesty I say to lose a friend when in fact, it is completely unnecessary. There is a giant elephant in the room, and as much as I like elephants, given the option, I'd prefer this one disappear permanently.
Ugh...so there is the source of the confusion. What to do? How to fix it? Can it be fixed? Things have been left unsaid, questions unanswered. Lies may have been told and remain unexplained. As such, there is no resolve, and no clarity. Confusion rules for now...
I have no idea how to fix this relationship, or if I even can, but I do feel that I need to try. Then there's the fact that I have absolutely apologized, rather well explained the state of my heart, asked for the opportunity to talk...all to no avail. So, what's next? How can one reconcile a relationship when the other person refuses to have any contact? What a tragic loss. A travesty I say to lose a friend when in fact, it is completely unnecessary. There is a giant elephant in the room, and as much as I like elephants, given the option, I'd prefer this one disappear permanently.
Ugh...so there is the source of the confusion. What to do? How to fix it? Can it be fixed? Things have been left unsaid, questions unanswered. Lies may have been told and remain unexplained. As such, there is no resolve, and no clarity. Confusion rules for now...
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