The Heart of the Matter...

is my heart, and the condition of it. Baring my soul is truly terrifying, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it as I have been trying to be more open and more trusting. So, I suppose it's best to simply lay it all out for the world to see without any fear of what someone may think of me...being open about all my doubts, worries, dreams, etc. I am me, and I have nothing to hide.

The condition of my heart at this exact moment is broken and reflective...hurting because I have hurt someone...fearful because I worry that a friendship is beyond repair and it's my fault...nervous about facing the relationship and possibly failing-getting turned away and falling on my face...again.

I often doubt myself. I rarely believe that I will measure up to any sort of standards whether they be a figment of my imagination or some real, defined expectations. I doubt my own intellect, and my wisdom...constantly questioning myself and seeking affirmation. Then, even upon receiving some sort of confirmation, I still go back and question my decision. I have a horrible fear of disappointing people I love, for disappointment is equivalent to failure in my heart, and I cannot fail. I do not trust people, and often not God. Why? Because I feel the need to be in control. I do not like ambiguous concepts. I need things in my life to be definitive. A broken relationship, to me, is beyond failure. It's capacity to make me feel worthless is immeasurable compared to all other sorts of struggles in life. I cannot let someone down, and hurting someone I love is the worst thing I can think of doing. I doubt that anyone will ever truly love me just as I am. I fear that I will forever be alone on this earth because no one will ever choose me, and I want so badly to be chosen.

Now, all of those things are not all that lay within my tender soul. As I have grown older and experienced more in my life, my heart has become one of great compassion and mercy...hurting for the souls of others. The rough edges that used to guard my heart have softened and grown delicate, allowing far more feelings to rise up within me than ever before. My heart too is filled with great love for others...a self sacrificial love that is capable only through the power of God. I alone would not have the strength or endurance to withstand the love that God has called me to willingly and generously dole out upon others. Humility too has washed over me as of late, as I lay down my pride and become willing to obey and to be wrong. This task of loving and forgiving is the frontrunner of my heart though. Those are the most pure and good things within me. They are non-negotiable, and I pray they define me and determine my actions. I hope that these things conquer all my fears, doubts, and worries so that the grace and mercy of God may be known through who I am...who He created me to be. I hope I can acheieve these lofty goals. I know I will fail at times, but I hope to be lifted up to a higher place after the falls I will inevitably take. I hope I am up to this challenge...