What does it take?

I was driving today and began thinking and started to wonder, "what does it take to be the sort of woman after whom a man of greatness desires to chase? How do you become that woman for whom that man will gladly lay down his life? What defines that woman whom that man will protect, cherish, honor, respect, hold dear, and love with wreckless abandon?"

So, what does it take? Well, I came to the conclusion that in order to receive the kind of love that I desire, I must be wiling to first give it. I cannot allow myself to be guarded and hide behind my fears. Granted, there is much to be said for wisdom and moving forth with prayerful consideration, but I think there is also much to be said for having some a bit of nerve and not being afraid to sort of jump off a cliff and let go of all ration and reason and just go for it. If I want someone who can tell me that he needs me in his life or that he wants me to come somewhere or to do something, then I need to grant him the same courtesy. No more of these silly guessing games I say. Let's just be honest yeah?

You know, this note doesn't have to be long. It's simple really. I initially wasn't even sure that I was a woman who could be worthy of having a man chase after me or truly love me, etc.,but I know someone will someday, and that someone will love me as I am for who I am, and all those things I so very much desire will be second nature to him. I am waiting for him to make his move. Until then, I am simply carrying on with my life.

Sorting it out...

Psalm 121:1,2 has, for a long time, been one of my favorite passages in the Bible. There is also a song written from the song that is really beautiful. The lyrics to the song are this:

I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth
I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from You
Maker of heaven, creator of the earth

Oh how I need You Lord
You are my only hope
You’re my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

Granted, the verse is the actual Scripture a bit reworded, but overall, how beautiful are these words? How peaceful? I know the chorus isn't actually Scripture, BUT, I so love it. These words I hold close to my heart right now. They are a life source when the flood waters are beginning to run deep. I must choose to hinge my hope in the power, grace, mercy, and strength of my God. I am seeking His wisdom in the midst of trouble. I will look to his words for comfort.

Ps 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry. He lifted my up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. He set my feet upon the rock and my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to the Lord. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."



So, how am I sorting it out? Well, I'm not exactly. I have to remember that God is, and that I can't...as much as I want to, it's just not within my realm of power. The hurt, the pain, the fear, the same...it all belongs to Him, not to me.

Uncertainity

I realize that everyone deals with the issue of uncertainty, whether it be in relationships, jobs, the future, or whatever else. I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn't give me much comfort to be honest. I don't know if it's a matter of fear of the unknown or a lack of control that bothers me so much. Either way, I could nearly drive myself crazy thinking about all the things in my life that are a bit, well, uncertain.

First of all, there is the question of what to do with my life. I have this second chance now, and I'm just not quite sure I should do with it. I don't know if I should stay in Atlanta, or perhaps I should take a dive and move somewhere else and start a brand new life with a fresh change of scenery. I'm leaning toward the latter option. The problem there is the fear of moving and not having a job yet, which I just don't think I can manage to do that. Also, I know a few people in Charlotte, the city of choice, but not a ton. Starting over with friends is hard. My family is there which is a definite perk, but there are problems there too. Those problems bring up issues and hurts from my past, and I fear that I may get sucked into that mess again, which cannot happen.

If I stay here though, what am I staying for? I have 2 jobs here, and I know a lot of people. I like my church. And, that's it. I'm not living a real life though. Not the life I want. Will moving change that? Maybe.

Then I overanalyze relationships too. I can't just sit back and let things naturally unfold. I want to know, and I want to know now. How obnoxious is that? I mean really, that's just annoying.

So, I need God very badly to give me clear direction. I need a mountain to conquer. I need some peace and some clarity. I am seeking it with all of my heart. I want to succeed. I do not want to be left simply wandering through life. I want and I need a purpose.

The New Deal...and no I'm not talking about FDR

Now in the past, I have written quite a bit about my recent past and how it has affected me, etc. Someone gave me some excellent advice today though. A friend told me, "Forget every word he has ever said to you...forget it. It has NO affect on you. He has no power over you. You are FREE. There is a new beginning for you free from all the bull."

You know what? Said friend is right. So, here's the New Deal...I'm moving forward, and not looking back. That's right. My past has no hold on me. Not anymore. I'm over it and done. I'm going to prayerfully make decisions instead of allowing my past to dictate the way I live my future. God is first in command here, and I will follow him.

There are things that I hope for in life. Until God's plan for me unfolds though I will patiently wait and diligently work and do my share and OBEY my God. So, from here on out, this blog will be written in the here and now, not in bleak past, but in the bright present and future. God has cleared a path for me, and I am choosing to take it, wherever it may lead.

Chic Flicks and Reality

I just watched The Holiday. Yeah, that movie with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. It is no doubt a chic flick. To my own surprise, I actually own this movie. I think it fits somewhere in between Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and American Psycho. Anyway, I had a distinct purpose in watching it. I am trying to convince myself that in fact, that kind of love...chic flick love, can indeed occur in real life.
I started with that movie. I didn't think I was quite ready for The Notebook just yet. See, I'm a cynic. Recently that cold, hard shell has been melting away, but some things happened over Thanksgiving that put those walls right back up. I'm trying to peel them back down again. I have a dear friend who is helping to do that. He's really quite convincing that in fact people, real people not movie characters, do actually love other people with wreckless abandon and passion, and that this love those people share is truly unconditional, that they respect each other, and honor, cherish, protect, uplift, and adore each other as well. I find it hard to believe. He's instilling some hope in me yet though and chipping away at the walls guarding my heart every time he tries to convince me that it's true. He's so sure of it, so positive that this is in fact reality. It's terribly difficult for me to understand. His zeal and certainty are such compelling arguments though. How can I not at least try to believe?

The Road Less Traveled

I so very often speak of choosing the road less taken...a reference to the poem by Robert Frost. What I mean by it is that I want to take the high road. I want to choose to be great, because being great is in fact a choice. I hope to be someone that other people view as a woman of virtue, who chooses Christ every time. I pray that when I come under attack, I will react in love and compassion. I hope to see people the way Christ sees them and in doing so understand why they do the things they do. I want to be someone people trust and respect. I want to choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. I want to emulate Christ in all that I say and do. I want my attitude to reflect the joy that Christ has given me.

So, should I find myself standing in a yellow wood, I hope to take the path that is grassy and wanting wear.

Perspective

I read an interesting article on Foxnews today. The article was a comparison of the value of the US dollar to other foreign currencies, in fact, not just any other foreign currencies, but the 10 worst currencies in the world. By worst, I mean that these other monetary units have the lowest value in the world. Now this comparison was intended to sort of assuage America's self pity during this difficult financial time, but with me, it had quite the opposite effect. You see, Zimbabwe is the poorest country in the world. One single American dollar is worth 642,371,437,695,221,000 Zimbabwean dollars.

Don't believe me? Read it for yourselves... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,453526,00.html

After reading that and having to sit there and use my finger to count the commas separating all those numbers so I could figure out how to verbally say that huge number aloud, I was stunned. I mean really, I could not, and really still cannot, wrap my mind around what it must be like in Zimbabwe. I mean, here I sit in my cozy queen size bed complete with feather bed, super soft blanket, down comforter, and let's not forget the 600 thread count sheets; yet, a plane ride away, people can't even afford an egg. Read the article! It's astounding.

This afternoon I received a text message from a friend asking if I had a good day. I gave an immediate response saying that my day wasn't bad at all. Then I started thinking about my day, really thinking about it. You want to know the worst part of my day? My i-pod broke. Right, my 80G i-pod that currently has 5000 songs a few seasons of some TV shows, and a few podcasts is now kaput. Wow. That's it. Well, that, and I burned my hand on a flat iron. I'm really crashing and burning huh? Please note the sarcasm there.

In reality, my day was awesome. I was clothed, and not only did I wear clothes, but they were clean, fit correctly, even wore designer jeans, and I had a multitude of options as to what I wanted to wear this morning when I went to my closet. Next up, I have a car to drive to work which also means I have a job which implies that I make money which allows me to buy 3 meals a day (more should I so desire to explore the great American trends of gluttony and greed). I could keep going, but I'm pretty sure that by this point, you all somewhat understand what it is that I'm driving at here.

Thank God that I have all of these wonderful things. I should find it terribly difficult to complain.

A Little About Me...

So, last night I was talking to a friend of mine-someone whom I respect very much and care about quite a bit as well. An incident occurred at which point I felt the need to apologize...about seventy million times. Well, that's exaggerated a bit...it was more like 4 times in reality. My friend was a bit irritated with my incessant and unnecessary apologizing. I explained that I truly was sorry though, and it's part of being a people pleaser...never want to upset anyone. Then I said that this particular isn't always the easiest to talk to because it seems as though he or she might get annoyed easily and I don't ever want to be the cause of that annoyance. Now really, where was the voice of reason here to slap me around and tell me to shut up? Man, I wish you could buy something like that at Target...you know, aisle 5 for a swift kick in the pants. That would be handy.

Anyway, back to the real point here...

I started thinking this morning about that whole ordeal. You know, my friend was correct when he said "I'm pretty sure I never just get mad at you." Correct. In fact, this friend has never been anything but incredibly nice to me, patient, kind, caring, fun, and sweet even. Way to go me for blame shifting huh? Nice, really nice.

So, I started to really look within myself and see why I would react that way...the apologizing, the whole deal. Here's the thing, first of all, I need to shut up more often. Seriously. I just need to lock it up. I also need to realize that this people pleasing thing I've got going on isn't so awesome sometimes. It can actually be a downfall. I need to quit apologizing for things I didn't do or over which I have no control.

Now why did I just assert some of the responsibility on my friend? Well, because sometimes I'm an idiot. See, "the ex" had a way of imposing his expectations on other people. He also was rather terse and easily angered. I suppose I've been a bit conditioned to constantly apologize. Now I'm shifting blame again I realize. Give me a minute though. Another thing that occurred with great regularity was that I was constantly wrong, told I was a silly little girl, that I had pipe dreams, that I wasn't very wise, and basically made to feel like a worthless fool with little intellectual capacity. Now I'll take blame. I know that all of that is untrue. I didn't for a long time. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Now that I understand the reality of the situation though, it's time I own up to the repercussions of believing that crap too. Is this making any sense? Seriously, someone weigh in here.

I guess all that to say, I am sorry, but not sorry for the initial issue last night. Sorry for being an idiot and succumbing to lies from my past and reacting to my friend as though he were anything like "the ex" when in fact he's nothing like that. He's WAY better, in every way imaginable.

Drowning

A friend of mine is drowning. Not in the literal sense, but she is drowning in her own fear, anguish, sorrow, damaged self esteem, and in a pool of alcohol used to try to cover it all up and make it go away.

I'm standing on the outskirts of all of this, watching and waiting, knowing that soon enough, I will need to be there to help pull her from the waves and drag her to shore. I was a lifeguard for years. I learned to rescue all different types of drowning victims. I am waiting on this friend to become a passive victim. I hope that she will stop fighting and give in and allow God to save her. I will fight with her for as long as it takes, but I too grow weary.

Lord, please, make her passive. Take her down, knock her out, whatever it takes to get her to the point at which she has no option but to choose you...to choose life, and to choose love. Give me the endurance to withstand this fight. I cannot, and I will not walk away. Not now, not ever. Her heart and her life is yours. She is worth the arduous battle. I know you have plans for her...great plans, for you have promised that. I know too, that if she were not achieving for you an eternal glory, Satan would not hold onto her with such ferocious tenacity. Make your greatness known Lord. Destroy this stronghold. Free her from her pain. Breathe into her new life. Give her love...the redeeming love that only YOU can offer. God, do this. I beg of you.

Times are changing...

So, this Saturday my mom is getting married. Wow. If anyone reading this knows me, then you probably also know that my mom has, up until now, been a widow for over 14 years. This whole business of her getting married is HUGE.

Since I found out she got engaged, I have experienced a great range of emotions--from complete shock, to being overjoyed, to feeling very displaced and insignificant, to feeling fear, then back to being very happy for her, immediately loving her fiancee, and striving to fill the role of the cool big sister to my new little brother. It's been an emotional roller coaster over the last few months. I have been exhausted physically and emotionally. I have sought after my place and my purpose in this world. I have worked so hard to gain an understanding of who it is precisely that I am supposed to be, and I have battled with thoughts of not ever being good enough to obtain a love like that which my mom found after patiently waiting over 14 years after my dad was torn from her life for no apparent reason.

In short, you should all be up to speed at this point on what my life has looked like most recently. The last point, regarding my battle to realize that I do in fact deserve that holy type of love, is the most recent. In fact, just as recently as last night a war was waging in my head over this issue.

I see my life as a one with a few pretty rough spots. I realize that what I may think of as difficult is all relative in the grand scheme of things, but some of the things I experienced had quite an impact on my self image. This has impeded my relationship with Christ in the past, but I think that now it only serves to strengthen that relationship as I have learned that only He can wholly love me and see me as blameless and pure. He is the only one who can fill the loneliness and emptiness left by years of anguish and self doubt.

Now, as I lay here on my bed typing this, I am at a new place yet again. I believe that I am worth the cost. I have value past filling some physical desire for a man, past my deeds, past my appearance. I am at peace with who I am. At last. Take it or leave it. I am me.

VOTE!!!

Do your civic duty. Be responsible. VOTE! And for heaven's sake, please vote for a candidate who actually has a shot at winning. :)

Elevate

Our country is headed for a drastic change. We face a great amount of adversity, particularly as Christians. It appears that our faith is going to be greatly challenged and that we shall be persecuted for it. So, as men and women of the church, it is our duty and our privilege to stand up fight for what is right, to speak the truth, and to be mavericks in this society--choosing greatness, choosing to do what is right because it's right, and to be unapologetic about the word of our God. Our faith may at times be offensive, and we cannot sugar coat reality for fear of hurting someone's feelings. There is right, and there is wrong. As Christians, we need to take a stand and tenaciously hold fast to the truth of our God.

We need great men to become the warriors God has created them to be. We need them to stand firm and go into battle, for they are already more than conquerors. Lead the way and take a stand for all that is holy and righteous. Do not be afraid.

As women, it is our responsibility to elevate these men and instill in them a sense of confidence that they can in fact do all things through Christ who strengthens them. It is our job to respect them so as not to immasculate them. They need to be lifted up in prayer and strengthened by words of affirmation. This fight is arduous, and these great men will need refuge and comfort, and in our words and support they should readily find it. Never should they feel as though they are alone in this battle. They constantly need to be encouraged and lifted up on wings like eagles. The cause is serious, and the women of the church need to rise up and fight for this necessary change. Do not be afraid. Pray for endurance, wisdom, and discernment. Choose to be great. Choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing. Pursue righteousness, and defend all that is good and holy. Join with me in elevating these men to send them out into the world in the armor of God.

Who am I?

I realize that this is a very cliche subject, but it's something that has been at the forefront of my mind as of late. Earlier today I listened to sermon about identity, which, oddly enough was in fact titled "Identity". Clever I know. The gist of the sermon is that as Christians, we are not defined by our actions but by who we are in Christ. Now to be perfectly honest, this concept is rather difficult for me to grasp fully just yet. See, I am a firm believer that our actions do indeed define who we are. I feel that our actions are reflections of our character. Not to say that people do not make mistakes and occasionally if not often fall off the path God has set for them, but ultimately, I believe that our actions are choices and those choices are directly related to who we are and essentially define who we are. So, with that in mind, who is it that I choose to be?

That question truly carries a lot of weight. I want to be very careful in how I answer it. Verbally labeling who I am, putting it down in a tangible form, then brings my accountability to a much higher level. So, here I sit sifting through a thousand words trying to find the perfect ones...

The first thing I want to be is a woman of great integrity. As I have said numerous times, do the right thing because it is the right thing. So often choosing to do what's right is terribly unpopular, and being a people-pleaser by nature, feeling that I may have disappointed someone is a lethal blow to my spirit. This brings up a point that I should consider with much frequency though: Why am I so worried about disappointing people, yet so unconcerned about disappointing God?

I suppose I can move to the next point now after leaving the first one with a relatively deep question. So in addition to wanting to be a woman of integrity, I also hope to be someone who is honest, loyal, considerate, consistent, respectful, and quiet. I hope to be slow to anger and slow to speak so that I am careful to choose my words wisely and take care to protect the hearts of others.

I also hope to be a woman of great wisdom. I feel like I possess a significant amount of wisdom simply because of situations I have experienced in my short life. Granted, I am only 27 (almost 28), but age aside, I feel that God has blessed me with great understanding of the way people operate and why they do what they do. With this understanding has come great compassion and also the capability to very easily forgive and forget. It's a blessing no doubt God has given me, one that I very much appreciate.

Also, I hope to be someone who emulates Christ unconditional love. I feel like if Christ's love is the compass that guides my life, all else will fall into place as it should. It seems to me that love truly encompasses all the rest of these things I have listed. If I first love Christ and then love man and my actions reflect that, it will be terribly hard to go wrong.

Have we become too tolerant?

As a nation, we are crippled by people's feelings. The demand for people to be politically correct seems to be at an all time high. We all have to be tolerant and considerate of everyone for every little thing so as not to risk offending someone. I suppose I can understand all of that to a degree, although I think most people need to stop being big babies and grow up, but my real issue lays within "The Church." That's right, Christians I think are at fault here

It's one thing to love the sinner and hate the sin, but what happened to rebuking your brother in Christ? And wasn't it Paul who pointed out that sometimes our faith may be found offensive? No one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong. That's a given. On the flip side, it's not so fun to be the proverbial bad guy and point out something that a fellow believer is doing that isn't right. So, who's responsibility is it?

CHURCH LEADERS!!!

I hope and pray that for the sake of our nation, we began to raise up great men who are not afraid to unapologetically proclaim God's truth. I pray for these men that they are blessed with courage to speak clearly and the wisdom to choose their words wisely.

And yes, I say specifically MEN, not women, but MEN. I feel that it is the men's responsibility to lead, not the women's. We are to support these men of greatness. So for the women, my hope is that they will be blessed with the courage to back up these men and the endurance to withstand the fight.

A war is waging. I hope that we are prepared.

so it is...

I find myself in a rather unusual state currently. See, I had this problem a few months ago with someone whom I cared about very much, and still do really-simply in the sense that I care about the person's well being and love the person as a friend. At any rate, this particular issue arose and turned into a disaster. Words said and things done that may or may not have been right choices. I do know that at the time, I was VERY sure of myself and quite set in my thoughts concerning the wrongs I felt had been done to me. Stepping back a couple of months later, I find myself wondering if perhaps I was too harsh, or if maybe I had no right to say anything at all. I know that at the time, I was terribly hurt and was unable to wrap my mind around the "why" of the situation. I couldn't make it make sense and it drove me crazy. Finally I was able to let go and forgive and forget any and all wrongdoing.
Now though, this person, whom I wasn't sure would ever really even by friend again, chose to come to me to apologize, after already having apologized previously. Let me just say, it's a VERY humbling experience to be on the accepting end of an unprovoked, sincere, and unwarranted apology. It's hard to find the right words to express the shock I felt at first, and then the immense wave of humility that washed over me. What an expression of love for another person--to admit you were wrong by apologizing for your actions. That means accepting culpability which most people refuse to do and instead simply shift blame to someone else. What a man of God it takes to be able to do that. So, to this friend I say, "Thank you. I appreciate your heart. I wish I could understand what brought you to that point, but it's not for me to know. Truly, it doesn't matter anyway. You simply need to know that your words, though simple and few, were much appreciated, and I'm proud of who you're becoming."

His banner over me is love, love, love

So a friend of mine told me to listen to a sermon earlier tonight from Elevation Church where Steven Furtick is the pastor. The sermon was the first in a series about love and sex, the way God intended it as written in the Song of Solomon. Yeah, so you've heard it all before? Okay, well listen to it anyway. Go to www.elevationchurch.org Then go to Media, then Sermons, then Visionary Love and select #1. Not too complicated. If I can do it, anyone can.

The thing about this particular sermon is that Pastor Furtick so clearly expresses the incredible and beautiful nature of "visionary love." He defines the way a man should love a woman...becoming her shelter, shade, and protector. When I was listening, I was just sitting there thinking, "Yeah, right on man." The way God intends for a love relationship to be is amazing. I've never had that before--that encompassing, unconditional love, the kind that breathes new life into your soul and brings out all that is good within you. That is an experience I'm looking forward to in my life.

Now some may say, "You were married though Lex. Surely you had that." Yes, I was married, but it was a failed marriage, and it failed for a reason. Now do not think that I find myself blameless. I am as much at fault as he is. There was no infidelity, despite what the rumor mill may say. The problem from my perspective is that we were never really involved in a covenant marriage. We were roommates mostly. That's about it. Sometimes we were buddies. Husband and wife though--no. In this sermon, Pastor Furtick comments that it is better to be single and lonely than it is to be married and lonely. I would have to say that I agree. For my time being married was the loneliest, saddest time of my life. I sank down into a deep depression and allowed myself to become bitter, jaded, cynical, intolerant, impatient, unkind, merciless, and just plain mean. Never did I feel protected, cared for, sheltered, appreciated, important, beautiful, smart, or loved. I felt as though I was a convenience and a means; a way to perhaps achieve a pipe dream. I was only as good as the means I could provide. My worth was in my works and deeds not in what lay within my soul.

Listening to this message though, I am again encouraged. I see a hope for a bright future. My soul is filled with joy at the thought of a man loving me in such a way. I look forward to the day I can encourage and care for a man such as this: one who is kind and gentle, brilliant and patient, understanding and merciful, forgiving and gracious, wise and slow to anger, and above all these, loving, for love encompasses them all. Show me this man who does not need possess great wealth or beauty but who loves God first and me second. This is the man after my heart. This is the man upon whom all my hopes and dreams shall hang. There in his eyes the sun shall rise and set. His heart I will guard with my life. His honor and his good name shall be a prize above all else. For him, I shall wait.

Sleep eludes me so...

you guys get more of my incredibly profound thoughts. You can laugh. I was kidding about the profound part.

For real though, I was thinking just now about the concept of "knowing who you are." It's sort of an anomaly I think. I mean, you go through your whole life being you, yet you aren't entirely sure who you is. How does that even happen and what can we do about it?

I know for me, growing up my family instilled a pretty high moral standard for me. There were just always certain things I knew I should or should not do. I feel like that was the beginning of who I am today. As I got older though and experienced life, I went through some stuff. My dad dying when I was only 14 was a severe blow. I mean, that's not merely a flesh wound like the guy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was cut deep. I didn't even begin to think about healing from that for years either. Instead, I hid. I ran away from life by becoming someone who possessed an impenetrable heart. No one could hurt me. Nothing mattered. I just needed to be perfect, and everything else was just dandy.

The thing about that is though...you need people to make it through life. As I was, I only pushed everyone away or kept them all at arm's length. That's just not an effective method for living. So...I decided to try to trust people...sort of. (By the way, I am guilty of a gross overuse of an ellipsis.) Anyway, I only half way trusted certain people. Then, I finally jumped off the ledge and went full force into trusting one person. It ended in a mess, and throughout my time trusting that person, I found myself falling into a deep, dark hole. I mean, I was seriously in the mire. Yet, there was God (he was there the whole time, I just didn't pay attention, which is very in character for me). At any rate, the Big Guy (can we call God the Big Lebowski or is that totally uncool?) pulled me up out of the pit, set my feet upon the rock, and made my footsteps firm. Yeah, just like Psalm 121 says he'll do. I'm glad he excels at follow through when it comes to promises because I do not.

Wow, that was all over the place. Welcome to my brain. Back to it though, now here I am. I am learning all over again about what it is to trust people. I have learned that I possess great value and worth for the kingdom of God, which is FAR more important than any worth man may put upon me. I understand now my purpose in life, which was for so long a complete and utter mystery to me. I feel like I get it now.

How did I arrive at this point? By making an awful lot of mistakes for one. Another thing too, I had to be broken. I really hit an all time low back at the beginning of the year. I thought the world was going to crash down around me. I don't know precisely what happened...I did put myself on restriction for about 10 different things which may have helped. Anyway, I don't know how it got turned around. Must have been quite simply the grace of God. I was in trouble before, and I couldn't find my footing. Nor did I have the courage to tell anyone as much. It's coming to me now though. I'm finding my way.

hmm...

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed with this post, but I suppose I'll just see where I end up. Sometimes it seems that there are a thousand thoughts swirling in my mind, but not one of them is clear or possesses the ability to stand out from the rest. So, here I am trying to figure out what exactly is at the forefront of my mind. Writing is a great tool to do just that in my opinion.

You know, I by no means claim to be an intellectual or an artist or an eccentric, but these are things that I truly admire in other people, and there is a piece of me that hopes I fit into one of those categories in at least some small way. I don't know precisely what it is about those sorts of people that attract me so much. I think it has something to do with the generally quiet nature they exhibit, but more so, I'd have to say it's the fact that they stand out from the pack. I feel like too often people are so afraid to be different, but man, it's SO attractive when someone is bold enough to be independent, think freely, wear whatever he chooses...gosh, I don't know. I just love the courage it takes to be different.

I don't want to be like everyone else. God, I hope no one ever lumps me in the same group as "all those other girls." Truly, I hope to be different. Never do I want to be the girl who needs to be the center of attention. I don't want to have to be the pretty girl. I don't want to be the loud, obnoxious girl. I don't want to be typical. I want to be anything but. I want to relish all of my little idiosyncrasies. I hope to open my mind and think. I want to be challenged in my thoughts actually. I'd LOVE to meet someone who will sit and talk for hours about the world, politics, religion, culture, etc. I want to be pushed. I want to be forced outside of my mental comfort zone. I want to understand other people's opinions and why they do what they do.

You know, as Christians we're called to be different. It seems to me though that all too often we get caught up in being...ugh, dare I say this loathed word..."relevant." yuck. I don't even like writing that word. It's really played out. At any rate, I think it could well be a downfall for the church. I understand the concept behind wanting to be...the loathed word, BUT despite the good intentions, I think a lot of the time people forget what it means to be a Christian. We're to love people. Love the sinner hate the sin. We aren't supposed to be like them though. All the cool designer jeans in the world won't make anyone any more holy, nor will it make that person's relationship with God seem any more desirable for someone on the outside looking in.

So, my next thought is, what do I do that makes me like "everyone else"? Are the things that define me as such harmful, beneficial, irrelevant? How can I change to be more effective for the kingdom of God? What about me is too much like the world that I don't stand out anymore?

What I want and who I want to be...

I have been privileged to endure a rather tumultuous time over the last year. Privileged? Yes. Privileged, and even blessed. My year has been full of ups and downs and so much hurt and so many questions. Through that however, God has brought me to a place of such great understanding. I don't dare say that I have attained complete clarity, but certainly, I have been blessed with a far more clear understanding of what is expected of me, who I want to be, and the woman God created me to be. For this, I am truly grateful. As a dear friend of mine once told me, "Ali, when you can use your baggage as your ministry, you're in a good place." I feel like I'm coming to that point, and I LOVE being able to play a role in healing the wounds of those around me by being able to love them wholly and share my perspective. Being able to relate to people and connect on a very specific level is an honor. Already I have been able to share with several of my very close friends my experiences and my heart and in doing so, God has used to me to help them through their current issues in life. So yes, I am privileged to have weathered the storm.

So now I am at a point where I am defining who I want to be and carving out my future. I choose to be someone of great compassion and understanding, seeking the wisdom of God in every decision I make. Oh I hope to be wise beyond my years, and I pray that I will be of humble spirit and mild temper. I pray for strength for I know this is not the last storm that shall pass over me. I do not desire beauty or riches. I simply hope to be a woman who emulates Christ through constant and unconditional love for people. That is my heart's desire.

What I want is someone who can challenge me to be a better person, to love better, to be smarter, to seek more wisdom, to be at peace, to rest, and to be humble. I understand that none of the gifts I have are of me in any way. I do not ever want to act as though they are. I hope and pray that I never come across as one who thinks she's better than anyone else for any reason. I hope to put all others before myself in every situation. I hope to act with great mercy, grace, and humility. I want someone who can stand beside me and act in the same way. I do not seek someone showy and loud. I seek one with a quiet and gracious spirit who simply loves people and is willing to admit his mistakes and learn from them. I want someone who chooses greatness every time and doesn't take the easy way out. I want someone who isn't afraid.

If that person cannot be found, I choose no one. I would prefer to be alone and live my life for my God as opposed to being sucked in by another who will inevitably only hurt me and distract me from all that is good in my life. Above all else, I want people to see my life and my heart and know God through my love for others. Christ's love is the banner I choose to wave.

oh yeah...

so I remembered the other thing I wanted to address in the last post. Here goes...

I was telling my counselor about how I've felt so restless lately-unable to sleep, feel like I can't breathe, sort of like the walls are closing in-hence chopping off my hair. It was either that or move to NYC. Seriously, I had to do something.

Being the wise man that he is, my counselor offered up this little nugget of goodness. He kindly explained to me that in his experience a state of restlessness as described above generally is Satan making an attempt to cloud his mind and create confusion so he doesn't hear God. I sat there and went over that in my mind for a moment, and then my counselor continued with his explanation. He told me that in those times of restlessness he's found that sitting quietly for 14 days and listening for God he has found peace. Now he's not saying to sit locked in a room without making a noise for 14 days. Obviously you have to carry on with typical daily activities like work. He referenced that verse that says "Be still and know that I am God." Good call there huh? My counselor also said that often decisions made in restlessness are not of God because our God is one of peace, not one of confusion. Now this isn't exactly a new revelation I suppose, but what a good reminder.

The problem for me though is this. I have no idea how to be still and just listen. Seriously, I don't know how to relax. I'm either going at 100mph, or I'm sleeping. There's no in-between. With that in mind, I have found myself striving to learn more. I need to understand why this restlessness has overcome me for the past month. I need to know how to be at peace and how to be still as well.

Any and all advice is welcome. :)

A few things...

From the get go here, let me go ahead and say, this posting more than likely won't exactly maintain any one static theme. It's going to be a bit random, but random is sort of what I do. That said, let's do it.

First of all, I wanted to point out that I am of the opinion that writing is complicated. It seems that often people sit down with a plan to write something really profound, but it seems that that sort of writing always turns out to be the worst. It's like when a comedian is directed to be funny on the spot, and it just doesn't work out. They're funny people, but it has to come naturally. Same with writing. I think if people would simply write what's on their minds and hearts, they would produce a much better piece of work. Point is, quit trying so hard. I guess that applies to all sorts of things in life really...writing, being funny, sounding intellectual, being cool, etc. Give it a rest okay? Just be you.

Next up, I learned some things today when I went to see my counselor. By the way, going to counseling is so very insightful. I think everyone should go every so often just to get a check on what's up in life. Anyway, back to what I learned. In my counseling sessions, being that I'm a relational person, that is what we have been discussing on a lot of different levels. Today we talked about how I feel compelled to fix people because I intently see how they are hurt. This is all well and good, but something I had never considered was fixing my own hurt first. Hmm...that may not make sense. For example, let's say someone really hurts me emotionally. First I get angry, then I get really sad, and then I feel pity for the other person because I see his or her pain. Tracking with me so far? Okay, so what my counselor was explaining to me is that although it's great that I look at "exterior pain" (being that of the other person), I need to also look at the "interior" (me) and see what's going on there and see what can be done about it. Maybe that's common sense for everyone else, but for me, this is totally new concept. So, I'm going for it. I'm trying to look to myself to see what's going on there and see what's happening and why.

Hmm...there was something else I wanted to mention also. Hang on...

Man, I can't remember. I'm too tired to remember right now. It'll come to me later and I'll post a new entry. :)

I need someone to open the pickle jar...

Or juice, or salsa, or whatever the case may be.

Let me back up and tell this story from the beginning...
So, back a little over 5 years ago, I got married. Yes, that's right I entered into a committed adult relationship bound by God and the great state of North Carolina. Somewhere along the way though, this relationship took a dive. The problem is that the beginning of the end started well before we even got married. I was simply too young, naive, and uninformed to know any better or any different. Incidentally, I found myself locked into a marriage relationship that operated more as though it were a business contract. It seemed like we were always in negotiations or as though we were in some courtroom discussing corporate law. I really think the Enron case was more peaceful than my marriage. After years of battling with each other, it seemed that there was no other option aside from separation. At the mention of that idea, "he" said that separation meant immediate divorce. Well, okay then. So, I moved out. Got my own apartment and found myself in a dark, lonely place. Within that place though, I began to find healing and a sense of who I really am. I found this person inside of me whom I had not known for years. Slowly the dark and cold faded and melted away turning into a warm light. This sense of self began to define who I was for the first time in as long as I could remember, and it's quite refreshing.

Then after a bit, I moved in with an old friend. I met all these new people who opened my eyes even wider to who I am and who I want to be. Initially when I met them, I faced them with great trepidation and apprehension. I was so sure that they had heard stories and rumors about me. I was positive they would look at me and think smugly, "Who does this girl think she is? Shouldn't she be wearing a scarlet 'A' pinned to her sweater?" Nice huh? I prejudged a whole group of people because I thought they would do the same to me. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

The next problem arose though when I became the equivalent to a new toy at Christmas. I peaked all this interest because I was shiny and new, but then, that all slowed to a halt just as I had predicted it would. I sort of relished the attention a bit before. I had never really received anything like that in my past. It was a welcome change from being ignored constantly and never being made to feel important. All the attention, though foreign to me, was so warm and embracing. All these new people endeared themselves to me right away. As I said though, eventually reality set in and all that initial excitement plateaued.

Now I find myself often feeling lonely and as though I don't fit in anywhere. It's like I don't quite have a place to belong. I was so used to being incredibly independent, but then I found out how much I need people and want them around all the time. I want someone to always be there. I want a buddy, a friend, a confidant. I want to have someone in my life who will shoot straight with me, who will tell me I'm beautiful and smart, who will play games with me, who will make me his top priority, who will love me unconditionally, who will indulge my love of shoes and all things pretty, who is simply content to just be with me, and who will open the jar of Claussen pickles when I need one to put on my sandwich. It's hard to admit, but I can't do it all by myself. I used to think I could, but then I found out the truth, and the pickle jar despite its best effort will not open of its own volition.

Right to an opinion

I honestly believe that every individual should be guaranteed the right to his or her own opinion. Absolutely. My thing is, I want to know how and why those opinions are formulated. What makes one person think one way and someone else see something in a completely different light. I don't think it has anything to do with intellect at all. Take politics for example. It seems that often people base their political opinions on feelings instead of facts and what's best for the nation as a whole. Why is that? As a culture are so immersed in "feel good" that we push all reason and logic aside? I don't think there is a right or wrong opinion. That's the thing about opinions you know? I do think that people should probably be more well informed before stating their opinions though and certainly be open minded to those of other people. I for one REALLY want to talk to someone who likes Barack, and I want to know why. I don't get it, but man would I love to. Someone, PLEASE explain!

Life...

Funny isn't it how life has such an interesting way of teaching you lessons. I have been all screwed up in the head lately, to the point of losing sleep and just generally driving myself (and probably my friends) crazy. (sorry about that guys.) So anyway, I was talking over a few of my most current dilemas with one of my most favorite friends earlier tonight, and suddenly, her absolute direct bluntness said it all. I'll refrain from using her exact verbage so as not to offend anyone with, shall we say, virgin ears, but the gist of what she was getting at is that I'm a sucker, and I let people screw with my head. Duly noted, and I'm much obliged for the wake up call. Not only that, but I let other people's problems and issues rule over me. I mean seriously, it's like I take ownership of other people's shit. Awesome right? I know. This is why I can't sleep, and it's ridiculous. I mean, I love a good glass of wine, but really, it probably shouldn't be a necessity to ensure a good night's sleep. Isn't that what the sheep with numbers on their sides are for?

I suppose the whole point here is that sometimes you need a swift kick in the pants to get off your ass and get on with life. What's that old adage? No use crying over spilled milk? Point taken. Thank you very much.

Trinity...

I love my church. I really do. I don't like going out of town because I don't want to miss Sunday morning. I feel like it's the one place in this city where I fit in. It is a place of acceptance, a safehaven if you will, a place where judgment is not found, but in it's place is love--real love, Christ love. In this place I do not have to be anyone other than who I am. I don't have to wear the right jeans or have the newest "it" bag, etc. I am free to be who I am with all of my impurities and imperfections. Here I find a wellspring of life. This is the one place that satisfies so many of my innate cravings and desires. I leave feeling full every Sunday. Not once have I left without a new perspective or a fresh understanding of God's love and how it is applicable in my own life. Every week I not so patiently await for Sunday to arrive again, yearning to be refueled.

For all of this and so much more, I am so truly grateful. The worship is simple but so powerful, and the teaching is incredible and truly from the heart. I have been seeking this home for so long, and after being a regular attender of Trinity for about a year and half, I have truly found where I belong. It is home.

www.trinityvineyard.org

Sometimes I wonder...

So a friend of mine says I look like Fivel, yeah, that goofy looking mouse from...I don't know the name of the movie, and all I can think of is the Land Before Time, but that's about dinosaurs. Anyway, you know the Fivel song? The one about somewhere out there...blah blah blah...the point of the song is that someone somewhere out there loves this poor, homely, disheveled mouse. My question though is this: Is there really someone out there for me? Really? Someone who is blown away by who I am, who can finish my sentences, who knows what I'm thinking before I even say anything, who laughs with me, who thinks like me, who will hold me close when I'm hurt, who will protect me, who will love me, who will honor, adore, and cherish me? I know I'm asking a lot. I realize this, but this is my heart's desire. There is a big empty space within my heart waiting to be filled by someone like this. The same someone for whom I would do anything. The someone around whom my world would revolve.

I made the mistake of thinking I found this person, only to learn that the person loved himself far more than he loved me. That was a painful realization--to learn that you're not that important after all is really rather shocking. The painful truth of finding out that you barely rank on someone's to-do list when they are EVERY entry on your own is just crushing.

After all of that, I felt like I had to really rebuild the walls that had once before so strongly guarded my heart. Before that relationship I had been terrified of getting hurt, but after years, I learned to let myself love fully. Then, after being beaten down for years and believing all sorts of deceptions I escaped and sought to find myself again.

So this journey of finding me began nearly a year ago. I feel like I have learned so much about who God made me to be. I feel like my relationship with Him has grown immensely. Yet deep within my soul there is this insatiable desire and need to be loved and cared for. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I want a tangible love. I want a man to grab me up and really kiss me, and mean it. I don't ever want to be just another girl again. I want to know that some man thinks I'm special, and thinks I'm worth whatever price he has to pay. But, is that man really out there? I often feel like I will forever be alone.

Ouch!

So when I was a kid, I was a figure skater. I was pretty good. I could do all sorts of spins and jumps, and I certainly wasn't afraid of getting hurt or anything like that. Well, today I decided to go skating...a mere 12 years since I was really involved in the sport. Not only did I pull a muscle in my shoulder, bruise my elbow, and bust my tail while quite literally bouncing across the ice, but my fragile ego got obliterated! I must admit, it was all quite comical.
I don't really think of myself as someone who overspiritualizes life or anything, but I do feel like my skating adventure today does dovetail quite nicely into my last post about living in humility. By the way, I think the word "overspiritualize" isn't actually a word. At least it isn't acknowledged as such by my spell check. I wonder if bootylicious is? Hmm...nope. It's underlined in red too.
Okay, moving on. My point is, even though I tried to do an axle today, which by the way I used to be able to do very easily and even with a little grace, and then I fell, slid and bounced my way across the ice, fell down the stairs at the skating rink (a 6 year old boy said "Hey lady, you okay?" I thought to myself "Great kid, thanks. I'm just an idiot."), and all around just sucked it up big time, it was a great experience. I suppose I've needed to be taken down a few notches lately. I guess I was at about an eleven, and I needed to roll in at around a 6. So, here I am--wallowing around in the recognition that I'm really not that awesome, and it's great. :)

Phillippians 2:1-13

Wow, funny isn't it the way God works. He's very intentional I think. This morning at church, I was again rather dumbfounded upon hearing the sermon...all about working together with brothers and sisters in Christ through humility. Paul was telling the Phillipians to work out their problems with one another by putting others before themselves and being of like mind. I learned this morning that being of like mind means simply being of like attitude, not like intellectual ideas, etc. For example, we will not always agree on politics, etc., but our attitudes toward one another need to be the same, respecting the opinions of others, etc.

Another thing I learned this morning is that living this life of humility is way that we as Christians can translate our relationship with Christ into our daily lives. In order to do so though, we must first seek healing from past inflictions and wounds.

How well this applies in my life. What a wonderful lesson to learn, and it was spoken so clearly this morning. I understand so much better now what is asked of me.

Lists...

Lists always interest me. All sorts of lists really. Groceries, to-do, awesomeness, etc. Here is a list of, well, randomness I guess.

1. Se7ven--great movie. watching it now. Fantastic concept

2. Massive storms and other natual disasters--fascinating and completely mind blowing. I LOVE them. I even want to go on one of those tornado chaser thingys...very cool

3. Facebook--social and technological phenomenon. I canceled my...membership (?) about a year ago, but then I reopened it a few months ago. I like the ability to be able to connect with old friends and keep up with what everyone is doing, BUT, I kinda feel like maybe it can become a bit unhealthy. I mean really, what did I do before I felt the need to constantly update my status?

4. Johnatha Brooke--little known artist. I like her stuff. "Ten Cent Wings" is all around a pretty good album

5. I love ice cream, particularly mint chocolate chip, but it has to be the green kind.

6. My need to buy shoes is dwindling. As hard as I try, I haven't found any that are actually THAT much cuter than anything I already own. Alas, it's somewhat disheartening.

7. I enjoy hanging solo. I forgot that I like it so much. It's nice being able to do whatever whenever. Plus, it's so relaxing.

8. Making food at home-WAY better option than eating out. It's just as yummy, and way healthier.

9. Despite my affinity for kicking it on my own, I do in fact REALLY want a buddy. Not just a buddy, but a best friend who gets me and isn't scared to grab me and kiss me. That's right, be a man. There's nothing better.

10. Movie night at home just might be one of the greatest ideas ever.

The answer...

well, for the time being anyway since I'm not moving anywhere, and I just jumped a plane last week so I can't do that right now...I'm chopping off my hair. That's right, the 12 year old girl hair is about to find itself in the trash, only to be replaced by fun short hair...inspired by the lovely Victoria Beckham circa 2007. :) Here we go...

http://www.imnotobsessed.com/image/peoplevictorbeck.jpg

Restless...

You know that feeling of not belonging and wanting to find a place where you fit in, find people who get you, and do something with your life that makes sense and is fulfilling? That's where I am. It's overwhelming, and sometimes it's like I can't quite breathe, like I want to burst out of my own skin and run far away to some other place (where I don't know). My heart feels like it's pounding in my chest at a thousand beats per minute. My mind wanders off and I'm unable to focus. I'm antsy and can't relax or sit still. My hands even shake.

That's how I feel this morning. I am at a place of great unrest...searching for something more, some kind of peace or something...I don't know how to find it. I try hard to block out these thoughts and countless others and simply get through the day. I just need to get my work done and go home. Then what though, and why? Simply to do it all over again tomorrow? Great. So what's next? Am I at a dead end? Where do I go from here?

It seems, in my mind at least, that perhaps finding a group of like minded people who understand the way I think would be a good place to start in this quest for peace. Perhaps unconditional love and acceptance would allow me to rest, but it seems elusive no matter how hard I fight for it.

Maybe that's not even it. I don't know what it is, but there's something missing. I have friends, food, clothing, shelter...my basic needs are met, but it's not enough. There is still this huge puzzle piece that I cannot find, and I can't complete the puzzle until I do. I need more. It's like I'm bound by this, and all I want is to be free.

Random Observations...

On a lighter note from all my other previous posts...let's go over some things I'm noticing...

1. Candy corn, circus peanuts, pink coconut balls, the brown-pink-white striped weird chewy candy things, doughnuts (by the way, I hate when it's spelled 'donuts'), yellow soda, red and yellow bell peppers, and mushrooms all top my list of most loathed food. Yes, I left off things with faces. Why? Because I feel that considering that I am a vegetarian, for all you who know me, listing meat as a most loathed food would be redundant.

2. Despite it's taunting and the nearly irresistable sassiness of the lovely purple dress in NYC, I managed to refrain from purchasing it, hung it back neatly in its place in the boutique, and quietly walked away. YEA for self control! :) Not yea for not having a pretty new purple dress though...alas, we continue...

3. Chuck Taylors, while darling little shoes, perhaps were not created for walking ten miles a day in NYC...or anywhere for that matter.

4. I have a newfound appreciation for the deliciousness of Cocoa Puffs and the yummy chocolate milk they create. Thanks Peyton. :)

5. I need to eat more protein...this was drilled in my head ALL weekend long. No worries, I'm going to the store tomorrow to purchase more protein shake makings and more protein bars. Peyt, you can relax now.

6. Glasses are not the same as sunglasses. People actually can see you staring at them or making funny faces. Oops.

7. Running in ballet flats through the airport with hopes of making your connecting flight...not so awesome.

8. Hitting people becasue they're dressed up like an orange...also not awesome.

9. The All-State commercial I'm referencing with regards to the awesomeness of the two previous listings...pretty awesome.

10. It's annoying that I can't find the commercial on You Tube so I can post the thingy to show everyone what I'm talking about.

11. This one's a bonus for tonight...and not so much an observation, but more of wishful thinking...I really want a pair of those Hulk Hands!

****Just for fun for all you big kids... www.jumpinjammerz.com that's right, footie pajamas for all, and even some snazzy Union Jack suits. Now we're talking

I'm back...

Back from a long weekend in NYC. It was great, really. I dont say that in a lacksadaisical sort of way. I'm sincere. The weekend was awesome, and I didnt even buy anything--not even the super pretty purple dress taunting me at Jessie James. I practiced great self control.
The weekend wasn't about shopping or just having fun though. It was about being a real friend to someone who needed exactly that--someone who was in great need of unconditional love and who could no longer withstand to be under the pressure inflicted from bearing the scrutiny and judgment of others. "Others" would be people who are close friends and family yet are on the periphery of a situation which they do not understand. So, honestly, I feel like God sent me. I've been through a lot of what she's been through. I understand first hand how she feels. It was a blessing bestowed upon me to be asked to and love someone--a girl who is my oldest friend in the world, who is like my own sister. The funny part is, we've grown apart over the years. Not that we ever weren't friends or anything, we just weren't really tight. My recent past however brought us back together and allowed me the opportunity to go this weekend and talk things out with her right when she really needed it. I am so very grateful for such an incredible opportunity. And what a blessing it was to me to receive so much appreciation and gratitude for doing something that seems so ordinary...going to visit an old friend.
The more I think about how blessed I was this weekend, the more I sit just shaking my head. What a wonderful God I serve. He truly uses the toughest times in our lives to bless and teach his children. It's hard to see or understand when you're in the midst of it, but when sifting through the aftermath, trying to make sense of it all, suddenly everything begins to come into focus. Life no longer appears as though one is looking through the lens of a kaleidoscope. Slowly, steadily, and surely, clarity makes its way on the scene, often unnoticed at first, but then there it is, out of nowhere.
If you had asked me a year ago what my life meant or why I'm on this earth or why I had to deal with pain and suffering in my past, you would've received some bitter, jaded answer from a cynic who questioned God, wasn't sure she possessed any value worldly or otherwise, and was certain that unconditional love was about as real as Santa Claus. Now though, my perspective has changed immensely. My roommate told me it's like I'm becoming me again. Tragic though it was, for a bit I was another person living in my body. I was angry, bitter, and cold. I had no patience or tolerance for anyone or anything. I simply lived each day to get to the next. I had no purpose whatsoever.
Then, the walls came tumbling down. The levy broke and my heart was flooded with emotion for the first time in years. A new understanding of who I am began to form. I started to see why God made me the way I am, and for the first time, didn't resent it. I started to acknowledge and embrace the good things about myself, seeking to find a way to share them others. And so, I have arrived at this current position in life. I have been able to relate to so many of my friends already. I have been allowed to share advice, thoughts, and often just a compassionate and understanding ear. This is why I am me. This is why God made me the way I am. I truly am so sincerely grateful for being created in this way. I do not possess the words needed to express the feeling that arises when I realize the depth of what God has given me--thanks, appreciation, joy, but ultimately, I am simply blown away.

sometimes...

I really hate being me. Sometimes it's just not fun. It's hard. Now I don't mean that I live some some brutally horrific life, but it gets really frustrating and certainly uncomfortable on occasion. This isn't very clear I realize. Let me try to explain...
I feel like God has created me quite simply to love people unconditionally even when they hurt and sometimes break me. I feel that I am supposed to simply forgive and continue loving. Because of that, I am persistent and intentional. I will not let anyone slide through the cracks. No matter how many times I get jerked around...I feel like God has asked me to love those who are doing the jerking. It's not easy. As Christians though, we are told "do this unto the least of these, and do it unto me" referring to how we treat others and how our actions are a reflection of how we treat God. We're also told to forgive 70 times 7 times...that's's a lot of forgiving. Also, we're told to love others as we love ourselves-treat people as we want to be treated. So, I am doing my best, giving all I have, to love people, and therefore, honor God. In that way, I hope to be a blessing to the very one who first loved us. After all, the unlovely seem to need the most love.

The Heart of the Matter...

is my heart, and the condition of it. Baring my soul is truly terrifying, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it as I have been trying to be more open and more trusting. So, I suppose it's best to simply lay it all out for the world to see without any fear of what someone may think of me...being open about all my doubts, worries, dreams, etc. I am me, and I have nothing to hide.

The condition of my heart at this exact moment is broken and reflective...hurting because I have hurt someone...fearful because I worry that a friendship is beyond repair and it's my fault...nervous about facing the relationship and possibly failing-getting turned away and falling on my face...again.

I often doubt myself. I rarely believe that I will measure up to any sort of standards whether they be a figment of my imagination or some real, defined expectations. I doubt my own intellect, and my wisdom...constantly questioning myself and seeking affirmation. Then, even upon receiving some sort of confirmation, I still go back and question my decision. I have a horrible fear of disappointing people I love, for disappointment is equivalent to failure in my heart, and I cannot fail. I do not trust people, and often not God. Why? Because I feel the need to be in control. I do not like ambiguous concepts. I need things in my life to be definitive. A broken relationship, to me, is beyond failure. It's capacity to make me feel worthless is immeasurable compared to all other sorts of struggles in life. I cannot let someone down, and hurting someone I love is the worst thing I can think of doing. I doubt that anyone will ever truly love me just as I am. I fear that I will forever be alone on this earth because no one will ever choose me, and I want so badly to be chosen.

Now, all of those things are not all that lay within my tender soul. As I have grown older and experienced more in my life, my heart has become one of great compassion and mercy...hurting for the souls of others. The rough edges that used to guard my heart have softened and grown delicate, allowing far more feelings to rise up within me than ever before. My heart too is filled with great love for others...a self sacrificial love that is capable only through the power of God. I alone would not have the strength or endurance to withstand the love that God has called me to willingly and generously dole out upon others. Humility too has washed over me as of late, as I lay down my pride and become willing to obey and to be wrong. This task of loving and forgiving is the frontrunner of my heart though. Those are the most pure and good things within me. They are non-negotiable, and I pray they define me and determine my actions. I hope that these things conquer all my fears, doubts, and worries so that the grace and mercy of God may be known through who I am...who He created me to be. I hope I can acheieve these lofty goals. I know I will fail at times, but I hope to be lifted up to a higher place after the falls I will inevitably take. I hope I am up to this challenge...

Restoration

I'm not exactly sure where to begin...how to put into words exactly what I'm thinking...

There is all this hurt and pain diluting the transparency of this relationship right now. It has come in like a wave and washed away all that was good and pure like grains of sand being sucked out into the sea. I see now where I have spoken harshly and in turn received a response that was less than pleasing, but perhaps fitting...or maybe not. Either way, the past cannot be changed. Things have been said and choices made that cannot be taken back. Words cut like a knife into the deepest caverns of hearts and therein secrets are stored and memories locked away. The challenge then is to find a way into a state of repair. What does that constitute? How does one arrive at such a vunerable place? Once there, is complete restoration truly possible, or does the pain simply get swept under the rug as people walk around pretending nothing ever happened? The latter simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That is the last thing I want. I am seeking complete and unconditional restoration-that which is a direct correlation to God's love, mercy, and forgiveness. This cannot be of me. I can try to say all the right words, turn the other cheek a thousand times, fall to my knees begging for forgiveness, but this still is a matter of the heart. That is not for man to heal, but for God. No matter what I say, I cannot win back the heart of man without holy intervention. This is a difficult realization for someone who always feels compelled to fix situations of her own accord, and generally seems able to do so, sometimes even with a bit of finesse. This is different though. I not only have been hurt myself, but I see that I have deeply hurt someone else. With this in my mind, I am deeply humbled. My heart's desire is simple and good--to repair that which I have broken and lay aside my own pride and arrogance in order to love my friend as Christ loves me. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and ask my God to reach down and redeem this friendship making it far better than could have ever been imagined. Bring healing and full restoration Lord. This can be only of you, for as proven, I will fail in my meager attempts.

This is my prayer Lord. Show me the way. I will make any sacrifice necessary, and I am glad to put my heart on the line yet again. I trust that if it gets trampled another time, it is your will, and you are teaching me. Give me understanding, compassion, grace, and wisdom far beyond my years...

A Prayer for those who have hurt me...

I realize that when I have been hurt, my initial reaction is anger, then comes frustration, and slowly, a bit of understanding creeps its way in. I am hoping for the future to somehow obtain a great deal of wisdom so I am able to handle the pain in a better manner. I choose to no longer react in anger, but to allow the peace that passes all understanding to take over my heart so I may speak in love, seeing past my own pain to garner understanding of why someone would hurt me. I choose compasssion, grace, and mercy as my weapons of choice. I lay down my defenses...

Lord,

I beg of you to grant me the wisdom to understand why I find myself in these positions of laying my heart on the line, only to have it torn time and again. Please, grant me your peace so that I may in turn grant grace and mercy to those who have hurt me. I do not want to be bitter or angry. I choose to love above all else.

For those who have inflicted pain upon me, God, please bless them beyond belief so that they may rise up in great success. I pray that those people are honored and respected, and that they essentially are untouchable...impervious to the strongholds Satan has attempted to place in their lives. I ask of you God to enshroud them in your love and grace. Dole out upon them more blessings than are imaginable. Protect them. Send your angels to their defense so they may not even tread upon a stone. Clear their paths of all that may hinder their walks with you. Build them up so they may rise on wings of eagles, just as it is written in Isaiah. Hold them close to your heart Lord, and do not allow them the pain of rejection or failure, only the joys of greatness.

This I pray oh Lord, and ask of you to grant me the strength, love, and compassion to maintain this position. Protect me from all that may steal my joy so that I am able to make you known by my love for others.

Search for Significance

I wonder what it's like to be important. I don't mean important in the sense of being famous; moreso along the lines of being significant to someone, to be a top priority in someone's heart. I suppose that really what I'm talking about is the need to be loved fully and unconditionally. I want to be understood. I want to be chosen by someone. Essentially, I am seeking to be important to someone...a man. Now by no means am I saying that I need a man to complete me, but there is this innate desire within me to have a man fight for me, to cherish me, to love me, and to place me before all else in his life aside from God. I don't want to be told to wait until the timing is right. I want to be the princess who is saved from the fire now. I don't want to hear that if only I were different somehow, then maybe, just maybe things might work. I want someone who sees me for my worth, not simply as something pretty to be boxed up and taken out again when it's convenient. I have so much love in my heart that I cannot wait to give, but I want it to be reciprocated. Is there a way to find this significance? Can I somehow make it happen? Will someone hold me close and keep me safe, carefully guarding all that is good within me as opposed to keeping me at arm's length until he deems me worthy to spend his time with? Is there a man who will love me just as Christ loved the church? I realize that is a lot to ask, but can it be done? Will I always be an afterthought, a garnish on a plate? For once, can I take the spotlight instead of being upstaged by work, friends, sports, etc? Will I ever be loved like that? Or will I just always be the new toy? I spark interest for a short bit, but then I'm tossed aside with the toys from last Christmas.Slowly, the phone stops ringing, the emails cease, and I'm replaced with the next best thing. I do not want to be the flavor of the week ever again. Never do I desire to be simply a pretty face. I want to be handled with care...like a Faberge Egg--delicate, beautiful, and highly valuable.

I know that God sees my worth and loves as I am, for He created me. Yet this longing is insatiable. I am content with who I am, and I embrace all of my idiosyncracies, but I so strongly desire to share them all with someone tangible. I want to have someone to wrap their arms around me when I've had a long day, to celebrate with me at the joys in my life, or to simply sit and watch people pass by and talk...and understand.

Perhaps this is a dream, but I feel sure that one day this dream will become a reality. I want to be able to trust someone without having it thrown in my face time and again. I want to love and be loved...

Truth

As one who values the art of wordcraft, I think that truth is something that must be welded with great care and finesse so as not to misconstrue its core, but to also be presented with love and great compassion. The latter two are integral to the delivery of truth so as not to damage the heart or spirit of the one to whom truth is being spoken. Selecting the right words with care and precision is so very important for the same reason. If we speak in haste, we risk the chance of being terribly misunderstood, and the heart of the matter ends up lost in the midst of hurt and anger because words were not chosen carefully. However, it does seem absolute that whether wrapped in the loveliest of words or not, truth must be spoken.

The thing about truth is that it isn't always pretty. No matter that the core of truth may be surrounded in encouragement and edification, often, that center issue is so painful that all the rest simply falls to the wayside. Hurting someone appears to simply be a risk that one must be willing to take in order to speak the truth though. It is never the intent to cause pain or anger, but the truth is very often hard to hear, and even harder to accept. This seems to be where truth gets clouded...so as not to offend anyone or to step on toes, people muddle the truth to make it seem more pleasant. That, in my mind, is really unfair to all involved parties though. How is change and growth possible if the truth is never brought to the surface? How can relationships progress if the people involved are not honest and forthcoming with one another? How can we achieve greatness if we fear addressing the truth about ourselves?

Fear

Fear is an odd thing without a doubt--a bit of an anomaly I suppose. I think, that to a degree...a very minimal degree, fear is rather a healthy thing to possess. The problem arises when fear becomes the dictator of one's life. As the dictator of one's life, fear manifests itself in various ways, controlling many different facets, holding its victims captive and crippling its prey.

This evil fear sadly tramples down the hearts and spirits of many fine men, taking them from the brink of greatness to a pit of despair. It appears to be an epidemic in people these days.

Oh...to be continued...

Confusion

Hmm...ironic I suppose that the title of this blog is "Clarity" yet the first posting is entitled "Confusion". That, however, is my current state of being. I am utterly confused. Now some may think that this is simply due to my somewhat spacy nature, but really, the source of my confusion lies in a broken relationship that surely needs not remain in such a state.
I have no idea how to fix this relationship, or if I even can, but I do feel that I need to try. Then there's the fact that I have absolutely apologized, rather well explained the state of my heart, asked for the opportunity to talk...all to no avail. So, what's next? How can one reconcile a relationship when the other person refuses to have any contact? What a tragic loss. A travesty I say to lose a friend when in fact, it is completely unnecessary. There is a giant elephant in the room, and as much as I like elephants, given the option, I'd prefer this one disappear permanently.
Ugh...so there is the source of the confusion. What to do? How to fix it? Can it be fixed? Things have been left unsaid, questions unanswered. Lies may have been told and remain unexplained. As such, there is no resolve, and no clarity. Confusion rules for now...